SCENE.--_Interior of shop devoted to the sale of cutlery, leatherware
and dogs' collars, leads, etc. Customers discovered lining the counter,
others in background leading puzzled and suspicious dogs. The proprietor
is endeavouring to serve ordinary purchasers, answer questions, punch
holes in straps and give change simultaneously. A harried assistant in a
white coat is dealing, as well as he can, with overwhelming demands for
muzzles._
_Proprietor_. Yes, Sir, you'll find that razor-strop quite... Six holes
wanted in that strap? (_To Assistant_) Right--leave it here and--Sorry,
Madam, I can't attend to you just now.... Don't happen to have a
_ten_-shilling note, do you, Sir? No? Well, I may be able to manage it
for you.... If you'll speak to my assistant, Madam; _he_'s attending to
the muzzling.
_The Owner of a subdued nondescript (calling Assistant)._ Will you ask
this lady to kindly keep her dog from trying to kill mine, please?
_The Other Lady (whose dog, a powerful and truculent Airedale, seems to
have conceived a sudden and violent dislike for the nondescript)._
Yours must have done _something_ to irritate him--he's generally such a
good-tempered dog.
_Assistant (to the Airedale, which is barking furiously and straining at
his lead)._ 'Ere, sherrup, will you? Allow me, Mum. I'll put 'im where
he can 'ave 'is good temper out to 'imself. _(He hustles the Airedale to
a small office, where he shuts him in--to his and his owner's intense
disapproval. A fox-terrier in another customer's arms becomes hysterical
with sympathy and utters ear-rending barks.)_ Oh, kindly get that dawg
to sherrup, Mum, or we'll 'ave the lot of 'em orf; or could you look in
some day when he's more collected?
_Another Lady_. I say, I want a muzzle for my dog.
_Assistant (sardonically)._ You surprise me, Mum! We're very near sold
out, but if you'll let me 'ave a look at your dawg, p'r'aps--
_The Lady_. Oh, I haven't _brought_ him. Left him at Barnes.
_Assistant. 'Ave_ yer, Mum? Well, yer see, I can't run down to
Barnes--not just now I can't.
_The Lady_. No, but I thought--he's rather a large dog, a Pekinese
spaniel.
_Assistant_. Then I couldn't fit 'im if 'e was 'ere, cos 'e'd want a
short muzzle and we've run out o' them.
_A Customer with a Pekinese_. Then will you find me a muzzle for _this_
one?
_Assistant (with resigned despair)._ You jest 'eard me say we 'ad no
short muzzles, Mum. If you don't mind waiting 'ere an hour or two I'll
send a man to the factory in a taxi to bring back a fresh stock--if
they've got any, which I don't guarantee.
_The Customer with the Pekinese._ But I saw some leather muzzles in the
window; one of those would do beautifully.
_Assistant._ I shall 'ave great pleasure in selling you one, Mum, on'y
Gover'ment says they've got to be wire. 'Owever, it's _your_ risk, not
mine. Well, since you ask me, I think you _'ad_ better wait.
_A Customer (carrying a large brown-and-white dog with lop ears and
soulful eyes)._ I've been kept waiting here two hours, and I think it's
high time--
_Assistant._ If you'll bring 'im along to the back shop, Mum, I _may_
have one left his size.
_A Lady with a lovely complexion and an unlovely griffon (to her
companion)._ So fussy and tiresome of the Government bringing in muzzles
again after all these years!
_Her Companion._ Oh, I don't _know_. We've had a mysterious dog running
about snapping in our district for days.
_The Lady with the complexion._ Ah, but _this_ poor darling _never_
snaps, and, besides, he hasn't been used to muzzles in Belgium. You
needn't _mention_ it, but I got a friend of mine to smuggle him over for
me--such a _dear_ boy, he'll do anything I ask him to.
_Assistant (after attempting to fit the soulful-eyed dog with a muzzle
and narrowly escaping being bitten)._ There, that's enough for _me_,
Mum. Jest take that dawg out at once, please.
_Owner of the dog (which, having gained its point, affects an air of
innocent detachment)._ I shall do nothing of the kind. It was the brutal
way you took hold of her. The _gentlest_ creature! Why, I've _had_ her
three years!
_Assistant._ I don't care if you've 'ad her a century. They're all
angels as come 'ere; but I ain't going to 'ave _my_ thumb bit by no
angels, so will you kindly walk out?
_Owner._ Without a muzzle? Never!
_Assistant._ Then I shall 'ave to call in a constable to make you. I'm
not bound to sell you nothing.
_Owner (with spirit). Call_ a constable then! _I_ don't care. Here I
stay till I get that muzzle.
_Assistant (giving up his idea of calling a constable)._ Then I should
advise you to take a chair, Mum, as we don't close till seven.
_Owner (retreating with dignity)._ All _I_ can say is that I call it
perfectly disgraceful. I shall certainly report your conduct; and I only
hope you won't sell a single other muzzle to-day!
_Assistant._ If I didn't I could bear up. _(To a lady with an elderly
Blenheim)_ If it's a muzzle, Mum--
_The Owner of the Blenheim_. That's just what I want to know. _Must_ he
have a muzzle? You see, he's got no teeth, so he couldn't possibly bite
anyone--now, _could_ he?
_Assistant. I_ dunno, Mum. You take 'im to see the Board of Agriculture.
_They'll_ give you an opinion on 'im. _(To Staff Officer who
approaches)_ Sorry, Sir, but our stock of muzzles--
_Staff Officer._ All I want is a new leather band for this wrist-watch.
Got one?
_Assistant (with joy)._ Thank 'eaven I _'ave_! Gaw bless the Army!