Where do men go when, they want to grow beards? This is a question
as yet unanswered, and the whole subject is shrouded in impenetrable
mystery.
One sees thousands of men with beards, but one never sees anyone growing
a beard. I cannot recall, in a life of varied travel, having ever
encountered a man actually engaged in the process of beard-cultivation.
The secret is well kept, doubtless by a kind of freemasonry amongst
bearded men, but there can be little doubt that somewhere there are
nurseries where a _bonâ-fide_ beard-grower who is in the secret can
retire until he is presentable.
I have frequently been annoyed by the way in which these men flaunt
their beards at one; their whole manner seems to convey an air of
superiority; they seem to say, "Look at my beard. You can't grow a beard
because you haven't the moral courage to appear in public while it's
growing. Wouldn't you like to know the secret? Well, I won't tell you."
Determined to suffer these contemptuous glances no longer, I set out
on a voyage of discovery to unravel the mystery of England's
beard-nurseries.
I asked bearded men if they knew of anywhere in the country where one
could slip away in order to grow a beard, but they always gave me
evasive replies, such as: "Why not have an illness and stay in bed for
three months?" But when I went on to ask where they had grown theirs,
they either made an excuse to leave me or said evasively, "Oh, I've
always had mine."
I once went to the enormous expense of making a bearded Scotch
acquaintance intoxicated in order to drag the secret from him, but
the question as to where he grew his beard instantly sobered him, and
nothing would induce him to touch another drop.
I have bribed barbers without success. I have vainly shadowed men for
a month who looked as if they intended growing beards. I even took
advantage of Armageddon to join the Navy, where beards are permitted;
but when I tried to start growing one I was instantly reprimanded for
not shaving by a bearded Commander, who had the same triumphant gleam of
superiority which I had noticed ashore.
In the Old Testament there was no secrecy on the subject. Somebody said,
"Tarry in Jericho until your beards be grown." But I am quite satisfied
in my own mind that modern beard-growers do not go to Jericho; I have
established this fact. No, there are in England properly organised
beard-nurseries, and the secret of their whereabouts is jealously
guarded; but I have by no means relaxed my determination to discover
them, and to give to the world the results of my research.
* * * * *