An alarming rumour is going the rounds to the effect that Printing House
Square refuses to accept any responsibility for the findings of the
Peace Conference.
***
"Mystery," says a news item, "surrounds the purchase of fifty retail
fish shops in and about London." The Athenaeum Club is full of the
wildest rumours.
***
The statement of the Allied Food Commission, that there are more sheep
in Germany to-day than in 1914, has come as a surprise to those who
imagined that the loud bleating noise was chiefly Herr SCHEIDEMANN.
***
"Get your muzzle now!" says _The Daily Mail_. It is felt, however, that
the PRIME MINISTER scored a distinct hit by saying it first.
***
"There is absolutely no reason," says a Health Culture writer, "why
Members of Parliament should not live to be one hundred." We think we
could find a reason if we were pressed.
***
To-morrow a man in the North of England is to celebrate his hundredth
birthday. He will be the youngest centenarian in the country.
***
At Ealing it appears that a rabid dog dashed into a pork butcher's shop
and snapped at a sausage. The sausage was immediately shot.
***
The War Office, says a contemporary, is to have another storey built.
In order that the work shall not cause any sleepless days it is to be
undertaken by night.
***
It is reported that a burglar who has been drawing unemployment pay has
decided to return to work.
***
The New Zealand Government has decided to check the introduction of
influenza, and every passenger arriving there is to be examined. All
germs not declared are liable to be confiscated by the Customs.
***
Nearly all the Bank Holiday visitors to Hampstead Heath, it is stated,
chose a silver-mounted bridge-marker in preference to nuts.
***
Two days before his wedding a man at Uxbridge was summoned to Wales by
his wife for desertion. It is said that his second wedding went off
quietly.
***
It is understood that the Home Office does not propose to re-arrest DE
VALERA. The official view is that in future the Irish must provide their
own entertainment.
***
We hear that all imprisoned Sinn Feiners have been instructed to give a
day's notice in future before escaping, so that nobody shall do it out
of his proper turn.
***
Citizens of Clarkson, Washington, U.S.A., have appealed to the
Government to protect them against a plague of frogs. The Federal
authorities have informed the Press that these insidious attempts to
distract the Government from its Prohibition programme must not be taken
seriously.
***
From an American newspaper we gather that a New York plutocrat has by
his will cut his wife off with twelve million dollars.
***
"Is the Kaiser Highly Strung?" asks a weekly paper headline. We shall be
able to answer this question a little later.
***
The report that an early bather was seen executing the Jazz-dance on
the beach at Ventnor on Easter Monday seems to have some foundation. It
appears that his partner was a large crab with well-developed claws.
***
We hear that visitors at a well-known London hotel, who have patiently
borne the extension of the gratuity nuisance for a considerable time,
now take exception to the notice, "Please tip the basin," which has been
prominently placed in the lavatory.
***
On many golf-links nowadays the caddies are expected to keep count of
the number of strokes taken for each hole. One beginner whom we know is
seriously thinking of employing a chartered accountant for this purpose.
***
What cricket needs, says a sporting contemporary, is bright breezy
batting. The game should no longer depend for its sparkle on impromptu
badinage between the umpire and the wicket-keeper.
***
People who think they have heard the cuckoo before the first of May,
declares a well-known ornithologist, are usually the victims of young
practical jokers. The conspicuous barring of the bird's plumage should,
however, make any real confusion impossible.
* * * * *
[Illustration: ABSENT-MINDED PHYSICIAN SENT BY HIS WIFE TO BUY "TWO GOOD
SOUND BIRDS."]
* * * * *
"Striking testimony as to the popularity of the Cataract Cliff
Grounds--when it is remembered that the period embraces the complete
term of the war--is the fact that during the past five years an
aggregate of 428,390 persons was bitten by a snake."
_Tasmanian Paper._
The snake may be fairly said to have done his bit.
* * * * *