For an old man, Ime helthy and sound as a nut on all public questions. I
use to be an old line Whig, and was a pooty active thimble-rigger as
long as it paid. But when that party refoosed to renominate me for the
offis of Gustese of the Peece, like a thurar bred polertician, I shook
'em. Said I, standin' ontop a sugar hogshead, at a primary meetin, which
was bein held in SIMMINSES grocery store:--
Feller sitizens of the Whig party, Refoose to renominate good men for
offisses, and you can pack your duds and git your carpet bags checkt for
the next steamer goin up Salt River.
Leave my name off'n your ticket for another term of offis, and there
won't be enuff left in your old politikle carciss to grease a flap-jack
griddle with. In the words of Mister--Mister--Somebody, "A word to the
wise is--is--enuff to make a--hoss laff."
And here I say it, Mister PUNCHINELLO, I wasent nominated.
Dident I smash things? Gess not! I norgarated a bolt which spread like
pourin keroseen ile over a marble floor, and the next fall, SCOTT &
GRAHAM was nockt hire'n the Himmely mountins, while the old Whig party
shoveled off its mortil quarrel.
Thus, as HORRIS GREELY, in his remarks on politikle Economy, says:
"Vengents, like a 2 tined pitchfork in the hands of Old Nick, will bust
up any party which goes back onto its trusted leaders. 'Vengents is
mine,' says the disappinted offis seeker, and on Election day he peddles
split tickets ontil the poles close."
Standin as I do on nootral ground, I wish like JOHN BULL I could make my
nootrality pay as well as J. B. does, by sellin stores to the Prooshians
and the French.
In castin my suferage this fall, I shall go Principals not men. A
_principal_ which is good for its little 7 per cent. _intrest_ payable
semi-annually, is what ales me.
High-toned (?) principals, and not men,
Is what's the matter in this ere breast,
The Lait Gustise his influence will lend
To him whose _principal_ pays the best.
(Campane poickry.)
I have prepared a serious of questions, which I propose to ask
candydates who come sneakin around for my sufferage.
_Skedyule of Interogertories._
What's your _principals,_ and is the interest payable in gold or
greenbax?
If elected to offis, will you squander all your salary and retire poorer
than a church mouse? or will you give _such strict attention to your
dooties_ as will enable you to salt down $100,000.00 per yeer from the
enormous salary of $1500.00 ($ fifteen hundred)?
Do you think, takin an _iron_ clad oath has got anything to do with a
sertin commandment which says, "Thou shalt not _steel_"?
Are you a beleiver in E. CADY STANTON'S revoolushinary idees, that woman
is the "coming man," and if so, how do you like it as fur as yoo've got?
Do you think THEODORE TILTON, ED STUDWELL, STEVE GRISWOLD, FRED DUGLIS,
and SOOSAN B. ANTHONY would make as good Presidents of the U.S. as a
man would?
Is your wife one of them strong-minded critters, who believes that
husbands had orter stay home and nuss the baby while she goes out and
plays baseball?
Will you fall onto a voter's sholders, who eats garlix and onions, and
shed tears as freely the day arter eleckshun as you will the nite
before?
Could you sing the "Battle-cry of freedom" so luvly, if it wasent for
Unkle Sam's _Notes_?
Would you have any objections, if our National and Common Counsels, like
that of Rome, should organize _Economikle_ Counsels?
In the war on tother side of the pond, is your sympathies for Lager or
Pea soup?
If you want the German vote, don't you think it would be your politikle
_bier_ to get at _lager_-heads with the Prushians?
Did you ever think before, that yourself and family, way back 15 or 20
generations in the grave, were such a lot of low-lived villyians as the
opposition papers say you be? and haint it a mistery to you that you are
allowed to go unhung?
Did you commit the NATHAN murder? if so, why dident you call off your
_"dorg"?_
Do you know as much about farmin as HORRIS GREELY does? if so, who told
you?
Are you a Fenian, Know-nothin, Mason, Anti-mason, Labor Reformer,
Anti-labor Reformer, a Chineese cooler, Anti-Chineese cooler, and the
"wickedest man in N.Y."? Are you in favor of free trade, high tariff,
free whiskey, whiskey tax, JIM FISK, MARETZEK, Tammany, the Young
Democracy, Grand Army of the Republicans, GEO. F. TRAIN, MRS.
CUNNINGHAM, and the D--l?
In fact, like JOSEFF, have you got a cote of many cullers?
Any candydate who can give affirmative ansers to the foregoin Catekism,
and is willin to show his _principals_ by bleedin freely, can get my
vote, sure popp.
Ewers trooly, & I haint afrade To jine the bread & butter brigade.
HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,
_Lait Gustise of the Peese._
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