fall up 'em, too, if you want."
"I should think so," retorted the Emperor, "and yet the Queen tells me
to look out and not fall down 'em, because it worries her. Well, let
her worry. I want her to worry."
But if the Queen was worried she did not act that way, for as she
came tripping down she was laughing so heartily that she nearly fell
herself, and finally had to sit on the bottom step to get her breath.
"What--what--" spluttered the Emperor, "what do you mean by not
worrying? You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Look at my nose, to say
nothing of the bump on my shins. My, oh, my, isn't anybody worried
about me?"
"I am, your majesty," put in Zep, "and I think the Queen ought to be,
too."
"She ought not," snapped the monarch, scrambling to his feet. "If I
wanted her to be glad she _would_ be worried, but as I want her to be
worried, she is _not_. You must be a stranger here."
"He is," said the Poppykok. "He just arrived. I only caught him a
little while ago."
Then he told the Emperor who Zep was. "This boy," he said, "is a
Prince, and has his own way more than anybody else in his father's
kingdom. In fact, he is one of the most delightfully stubborn young
persons I have ever met, and _never_ will do what any one wants him to
if he can possibly help it."
"My," said the Emperor, grasping Zep's hand and shaking it warmly,
"if that isn't the finest record I ever heard of. I couldn't be more
pig-headed myself. How did you get so? Did you learn it at school or
just teach yourself?"
"Oh," said Zep, feeling rather proud, "I just picked it up, I guess."
"Well," said the monarch, "there is nothing like it to my mind.
Perhaps you've read my famous poem on the subject? Have you?"
"No," said Zep, "I never heard of it."
"Humph!" said the Emperor, looking rather disappointed. "You're not
very literary, are you? However, there is no reason why you should not
hear it now. Listen."
When I was a lad, I said to myself
As I hooked the jam from the pantry shelf,
"I may grow up and I may grow old
But I hope I'll never do as I'm told.
"For all the fun I've ever had,
"Has always come from being bad."
So I started out on my wild career,
And I did so well that I'm Emperor here,
Where you're told to do this, and you simply don't--
And you're asked to do that, and you say you won't.
And _my_ what a lot of fun I've had--
For I _never_ mind, and I'm awful bad.
"You can see," said the Emperor, when he had finished, "what a splendid
place you have come to. And as the years pass, I hope you may find it
even more delightful."
"As the years pass," repeated Zep. "Why--why, I can't stay here for
years. What would my folks say?"
"If you ask me," put in the Poppykok, "I should say they'd say: 'thank
goodness, he's gone at last.'"
"Yes," said the Emperor, "it's only in Obstinate Town that people like
boys like you. Everywhere else they think you're a nuisance. Didn't you
know that?"
"Why--why, no," said Zep. "I--I thought everybody liked me."
"Ho, ho, ho!" roared the Poppykok, shaking with merriment.
"Hee, hee, hee!" cackled the Emperor, "my word, that's good! You ought
to send that to a comic paper. He thought everybody liked him."
"Well," said Zep, sulkily, "they always acted as though they did. I--I
like people to like me. But as long as they don't I'll _never_ go back."
"That's the stuff," said the Emperor. "Don't you do it. You stay here
with me and enjoy yourself. Do as you please. Be as cranky as you like.
Why, I wouldn't be surprised if you'd be a popular idol some day if you
go on the way you've begun."
So Zep settled down in Obstinate Town determined to enjoy himself with
all his might. And because he was a prince, the Emperor let him live in
the palace and eat his meals at the royal table.
However, he did not care much for the meals. You never could get what
you wanted. When you asked the royal butler for cold chicken, he would
always tell you he would rather you took cold ham. And if you wanted
stewed kidneys, the butler right away said he preferred to give you
broiled oysters. No matter what you asked for, the stubborn old butler
always insisted on giving you something else, whether you liked it or
not. And such an arrangement made Zep awfully cross.
"I don't see why you have such a butler," he said to the Emperor. "When
I ask our butler at home for anything, he gives it to me quick. He
wouldn't _dare_ give me anything else. If he did my father would hang
him."
"Humph!" responded the Emperor, "it seems to me your father must be a
very cruel person. The idea of hanging any one for wanting his own way."
"But," said Zep, "it's so--so inconvenient. If they have their own way
how can you have yours?"
"Well," said the Emperor, "you can't, with a butler, unless you go to
the pantry and help yourself. And yet, why shouldn't he have his way as
well as you? Why shouldn't he?"
And the Prince did not know what to say to that. But nevertheless it
was tough to have every one else having their own way as well as you.
When you got in a trolley car and told the conductor to let you off at
a certain street, he would stop the car at another street, and unless
you were stronger than he, would put you off there no matter how much
you struggled and yelled. And one day, when the Emperor and Zep were
put off six blocks from their destination, the monarch was dreadfully
angry.
"I know I told you I thought other people ought to have their own way
the same as you and I," he said to Zep, "but when a conductor not only
puts me off his car before I want to get off, but kicks me into the
bargain, it's too much."
"That's what I think," said Zep, "and if I were you I'd issue a royal
decree saying that only the upper classes can have their own way
_always_, and that the lower classes can only have their own way, when
it suits the upper classes."
"A good idea," said the Emperor, "I'll do it."
And despite the fact that it made the lower classes fairly purple with
indignation, the decree was issued at once, and Zep, and the Emperor,
and the rest of the upper classes, did as they liked whenever they
wanted to, and had a fine time doing it.
"I tell you what," said the Emperor to the Prince one morning after
breakfast as he finished reading the paper, "that was a grand idea of
yours, Zep, about letting the lower classes have their own way only
when it suited us. Life has been much sweeter ever since."
"I think so, too," said Zep, "except that if _nobody_ else could have
their own way, it would be sweeter still."
"Hum," said the monarch, "I never thought of that. And the more I think
of it, the more I think you're right. I know what I'll do. I'll issue
another decree putting all the upper classes into the lower classes,
except myself. Then I can do whatever I want, no matter what anybody
says."
"But," said Zep, "you wouldn't put me in the lower classes, would you?"
"Why not," replied the Emperor. "Suppose I wanted my own way about
something at the same time that you wanted your own way about it, the
only way it could be managed without a fight, would be for you to be in
the lower classes where you couldn't have your own way unless it suited
me. See?"
"Yes," said Zep, sulkily, "I see, but I don't think it's fair. Why not
put yourself in the lower classes and let me stay in the upper class?"
"Impossible," said the Emperor, "for if any one ever belonged to the
upper classes an Emperor does."
"So does a prince," said Zep.
"Not necessarily," replied the monarch. "I had a dog named Prince once,
but you never heard of a dog named Emperor, did you?"
And as Zep could think of nothing to say to that, the Emperor issued
his decree, and Zep and all the rest of the upper classes were put in
the lower classes, and the monarch enjoyed himself more than ever.
But if the Emperor enjoyed himself, Zep and the rest of the upper
classes did not. For if they wanted to do something the Emperor always
wanted them to do something different. And if he did not want that, he
wanted them to do something nobody could do. And as Zep lived in the
palace he had it worse than anybody else.
He was told to hold his breath for an hour; to stand on his ear for
half an hour, and not wink for fifteen minutes. And when he did not do
what he was told because he could not, the Emperor stuck pins in him
and dared him to yell.
"See here," said Zep to the monarch, "I used to like you but I don't a
bit any more. I'm going back home right off."
"Very well," said the Emperor, "go ahead. I'm tired of you anyway. The
idea of a strong, healthy boy not being able to stand on his ear, and
making such a fuss, too, because a few pins are stuck in him. Go on,
_go_ back home."
"But," said Zep, "how will I get there? I--I don't know the way."
"Of course you don't," replied the monarch, "nobody does. There isn't
any way."
"Isn't any way?" repeated the Prince in a tone of horror. "Why--why,
have I got to stay here with _you_ always?"
The Emperor nodded. "Sure thing, unless a Kokkipop sends you back. The
Poppykoks bring you here and the Kokkipops send you back. But as no one
ever wants to _go_ back it's mighty hard to find a Kokkipop, so I guess
I'll be sticking pins in you for some time yet. Ho, ho, ho!"
Well, you can be sure when the Emperor said that and laughed about it,
too, Zep felt about as gloomy as he ever had in his life.
"Oh, dear," he said, "what on earth shall I do? If only I can get away
from this nasty old place I'll never want my own way again. I'll be a
different boy. I never--"
"Here, here," put in the Emperor, sternly, "stop that talk. You mustn't
say such things as that. No one ever talks about not wanting their own
way in Obstinate Town. It's downright treason. Do you want to go to
prison? But anyhow, I don't suppose you meant it."
"Indeed, I did," said Zep, "I meant every word I said. I'm tired of
having my own way--it's silly. Look at the mess it's got me into. I'm
going to be different--"
"Stop!" shrieked the Emperor, at the top of his lungs, "stop, I say!
You'll have a Kokkipop here in another moment, and oh, how I hate 'em.
I hate 'em worse than--than spiders. And--and, my goodness gracious
sakes alive, you've brought one--you've brought one. Run, run, or the
Kokkipop will get you!"
And with that the Emperor dived under his throne, while the Prince,
looking about with a startled air, did not know whether to flee or
not. And then, as he hesitated, a very brisk old gentleman, dressed in
bright yellow, came into the room.
"Did you call?" he asked Zep.
"Call," said the boy, "why--why, no. What do you mean?"
"Did you call for a Kokkipop?" repeated the other testily. "And for
mercy's sake don't say you didn't, for I've been waiting for a call all
my life. I was a young man when I joined the Kokkipops, and in all that
time I have never been called until now. So I hope you did call. Did
you?"
"Well," said Zep, "I said I wanted to go home, if that's what you mean."
"And you said you didn't want your own way any more, didn't you?"
inquired the Kokkipop, eagerly.
"Yes," replied the Prince, "I did. And I don't."
"He does, too," put in the Emperor, sticking his head out from under
his throne. "He doesn't mean what he says. He's just mad at me for
sticking pins in him."
"I don't believe it," said the Kokkipop, scowling at the Emperor,
"you're just trying to keep me out of a job." Then he turned to the
Prince. "You did mean what you said, didn't you?"
"I certainly did," said Zep, "and--"
"Whoopee!" yelled the Kokkipop, joyfully, "then I _have_ got a job at
last."
Whereupon he took off his coat, rolled up his sleeves, and began to
paste magic postage stamps all over the Prince. "There," he said,
standing off to admire his work, "I guess that will take you back all
right."
"Take him back," sneered the Emperor, crawling from under his throne,
"why it'll take him twice over. You've put excess postage on him. Shows
what a Kokkipop knows about his business."
"Is that so," retorted the Kokkipop, "well, I know enough to send this
boy where you won't stick pins in him any more, and where he won't want
his own way any more." He turned to Zep. "Isn't that so?"
"Yes, indeed," said the Prince.
"Then," responded the Kokkipop, "here's to a quick and comfortable
trip. Good-by, I'll see you later."
"No--wait!" shouted the Emperor, running toward Zep, "don't go. I'll
put you in the upper classes again. I'll--"
But it was no use. Once again Zep felt himself leap into the air, and
whiz, and whiz, and whiz, even faster than he had before. And then just
as he was beginning to get used to the whizzing and rather enjoy it, he
commenced to descend in a graceful curve, and presently landed with a
bump in the gardens adjoining his father's palace. And there, sitting
on the grass, was the Kokkipop waiting for him.
"Greeting," said the Kokkipop, "did you have a nice trip?"
"Fine," said Zep, "but of course I'm glad it's over and that I'm safe
home again. And of course I'm awfully obliged to you for getting me out
of such a scrape."
"Oh, that's all right," said the Kokkipop, as he peeled off the magic
postage stamps, "it's been a pleasure to help you. And who knows but
you may try to have your own way again and be taken back to Obstinate
Town. And if you do, don't forget I'm always glad to get a job."
"All right," said Zep, "I won't, but I never expect to visit Obstinate
Town again if I can help it."
And sure enough Zep never did. From that moment he was a changed boy,
so much so that it really worried his father, the king.
"I don't understand it," said the King to his Prime Minister. "He does
just what I tell him and never whines; and when he takes a walk he
jumps about a foot if a leaf falls on him. I don't understand it."
But if the King did not, Zep did, and was determined no Poppykok should
get another chance at him.
TOOBAD THE TAILOR
Once there lived in the city of Vex a tailor named Toobad, which was
a very good name for him, for he really was too bad for anything,
in fact, he was downright wicked. And not only was he wicked but he
was also deceitful, because he was really not a tailor at all but an
enchanter or conjuror, and only practiced a tailor's trade to fool the
fathers, and grandfathers, and uncles, and big brothers of the little
boys of Vex, and make them pay him money. And this is the way he did it:
He put a sign in his window and offered to make clothes for gentlemen
very, very cheap out of the very, very best materials that would never
wear out, and of course when he offered to do _that_ all the fathers,
and grandfathers, and uncles, and big brothers went and ordered their
suits from him as quick as they could. But after the clothes were made
and the fathers, and grandfathers, and uncles, and big brothers had
put them on, _then_ they found out, when it was too late, what sort of
a person Toobad was, for they had to keep on paying, and paying, and
paying for the clothes forever and forever. If they did not the suits
they were wearing got tighter and tighter until their breath was almost
squeezed out of them.
It was no use to try to get the clothes off because they simply would
_not_ come off. So you can imagine how cross and miserable all the
fathers, and grandfathers, and uncles, and big brothers in Vex were.
Now there were lots of little boys in Vex, but the most interesting one
was a bright little fellow named Winn, because in _his_ family there
happened to be a father, _and_ a grandfather, _and_ an uncle, _and_ a
big brother all wearing suits made by Toobad the Tailor, whereas the
other boys only had a father, _or_ a grandfather, _or_ an uncle, _or_ a
big brother. None of them had all four together, and therefore did not
have as much cause to dislike Toobad as Winn had.
Of course when Winn's father, and grandfather, and his uncle and his
big brother, had paid for their suits _once_ and Toobad had told
them they must keep right on paying every week, they said they would
_not_. But after the suits had squeezed them once or twice, and after
they had tried to get the clothes off and found they could not, they
changed their minds. And every Saturday night as soon as they got their
salaries they rushed right down to Toobad's shop and paid him, so they
would have a comfortable Sunday, which did not please Winn's mother at
all because it left very little to buy food with.
"Good gracious," she used to say to Winn's father, and grandfather, and
uncle, and big brother, "if you keep on giving that tailor half your
money, I don't know how I'll get along."
"Indeed," said Winn's father, who was very fat, "and if I don't pay it
I don't know how _I'll_ get along. I've got to breathe, haven't I?"
"Yes," said Winn's grandfather, and his uncle, and his big brother, who
were all as fat as his father, "we would much rather breathe than eat."
"All right, then," said Winn's mother, "go ahead and breathe but don't
blame me if you starve also, for food is so high, I can buy very little
with the money you give me."
And when she said that Winn's father, and his grandfather, and his
uncle, and his big brother would groan awfully, which made Winn and his
mother as blue as indigo, for they knew if Toobad was not paid, the
clothes Winn's father, and grandfather, and uncle and big brother wore
would squeeze them tighter and tighter so they could not work at all,
and yet if he was paid there would not be enough money left to keep the
wolf from the door.
So finally Winn determined to go and see Toobad and try and coax him
not to be so hard on his folks. "Maybe if I offer to be his errand
boy," he said, "he'll agree to let us stop paying for a while until we
catch up with our grocery bills."
But when he got to the tailor's shop he had a very hard time to coax
Toobad into having an errand boy. "No, no," said the enchanter,
testily, "I don't need an errand boy, and even if I did need one I need
the money your family pays me much more."
"But think how stylish it is for a tailor to have an errand boy," said
Winn. "All fashionable tailors send clothes home to their customers.
They never ask customers to come after their clothes. I should think
you'd be _ashamed_ not to have an errand boy."
So, finally, after talking and talking, Toobad agreed to hire Winn as
his errand boy, and instead of giving him wages to let his family stop
paying for their clothes for a few weeks.
"But remember this," said the tailor, "you are not to tell any one
about the arrangement, because if you do all my customers will want to
stop paying until they get caught up on their grocery bills."
So Winn promised to keep the matter secret and the next morning started
in on his duties.
Now it happened that one of the first persons he delivered clothes
to was a second cousin of his mother's aunt. This second cousin had
not heard of the trouble in Winn's family because Winn's father, and
grandfather, and uncle, and big brother had been afraid to tell any
one what Toobad had done to them for fear their clothes would squeeze
them worse than ever. So when Winn delivered his mother's aunt's second
cousin's clothes he did not know whether to warn him about putting them
on or not. And while he was trying to make up his mind about it, his
mother's aunt's second cousin went into another room to get the money
to pay for the clothes, and when he came out he had the clothes on.
"Gee whiz," he said proudly, "don't they fit me grand?"
"Maybe they do," said Winn, "but I was just going to tell you not to
put them on, because now you can't get them off, and you've got to keep
on paying for them forever and forever."
"What!" yelled his mother's aunt's second cousin.
And then with another yell he began tearing at the clothes with all
his might, trying to get them off, but of course it was no use for
although he almost turned himself inside out, they stuck to him like
sticking plaster.
[Illustration: He began tearing at his clothes with all his might]
"You're a nice one!" he shouted, shaking his finger under Winn's nose.
"You ought to be arrested. How dared you sit there and let me put these
awful things on? I just hope your father, and your grandfather, and
your uncle, and your big brother get stuck the same way. I certainly
do!"
"They _are_ stuck," said Winn. "They've been stuck for some time. That
is why I am working for Toobad. And I'm very sorry I did not warn you
about the clothes in time."
And then he told his mother's aunt's second cousin what a fix his folks
were in and how if you did not pay for the clothes every week they
squeezed you until you did.
"Sakes alive!" groaned his mother's aunt's second cousin, "isn't it
dreadful the trouble some people have? Here I am all dressed up fine
but I can't enjoy it a bit after what you've told me."
Then he escorted Winn to the door and said he never wanted to see his
face again. "I'm sorry to have to say it," he continued, "but until
you came a little while ago my life was full of sunshine and now it is
nothing but a mud puddle. But I forgive you. Good-by!"
Well, you may be sure Winn felt terribly gloomy as he went back to
Toobad's shop. When he hired out as the tailor's errand boy in order to
help his family, he had not thought how he would be bringing distress
into other families by delivering Toobad's enchanted clothes. But he
could see now, after the scene with his mother's aunt's second cousin,
how selfish and wicked it was for him to help Toobad get other people
into trouble in order to make things easier for his own folks. So he
determined that he would give up his job right away.
"I've decided not to be your errand boy any longer," he said to the
enchanter, as he handed him the money he had received from his mother's
aunt's second cousin. "I find you are too wicked to work for."
"Humph!" said the tailor, "and why am I any wickeder now than I was
this morning? You were glad to work for me then."
"I know," said Winn, "but I have just seen my mother's aunt's second
cousin turn from a carefree, happy person into a miserable wretch, and
all because I delivered him one of your enchanted suits of clothes.
And I cannot help you in your crimes any longer even if my family do
suffer. Good afternoon!"
"Good afternoon nothing!" shouted Toobad. "Come back here at once.
Yesterday when I did not want an errand boy you talked me into having
one, and now that I've gotten used to having one you want me to do
without one. Well, I shan't do it. You'll work for me whether you want
to or not."
And with that he stretched out his hand toward Winn and then drew it
back and when he drew it back something mysterious drew Winn back
also, and though he tried to get to the door he could not move.
"Now," said Toobad, "will you work for me or not?"
"No," said Winn, firmly, "I will never work for you if I can help it."
"Very well, then," said the enchanter, "you shall work for me because
you cannot help it."
And with that he repeated the alphabet backward like lightning,
wiggling his fingers at the same time, and in a flash Winn was
transformed into a tailor's dummy, after which Toobad placed him on the
sidewalk outside his shop with one of the enchanted suits on him and
with a sign on his breast which read:
TAKE ME HOME FOR $3.75
so people could see what fine, cheap clothes were sold inside.
And maybe Winn did not feel bad as he stood there day after day not
even able to roll his eyes or move or speak. And on Saturday night he
felt particularly bad because his father, and his grandfather, and his
uncle, and his big brother came by the shop arm in arm, all whistling
merrily because they did not have to pay Toobad any money that week and
were going to a movie instead.
"My, my!" they exclaimed, when they saw Winn by the door, "doesn't that
image look exactly like our Winn, but of course it cannot be because
it's made of wax." And then the next moment they went on their way as
happy as larks.
"Oh, dear!" said Winn to himself, miserably, "whatever am I going to
do? How am I ever going to escape from this terrible tailor? If only I
could think of _some_ way."
And later when Toobad had brought him indoors and shut the shop, and
gone off to bed and left him standing in a dark corner, he thought and
thought with all his might, for he felt if he did not find _some_ way
to break the enchantment he might as well die.
And then as he was still puzzling over the problem he heard a stealthy
step, and into the room came Toobad in his nightgown, holding a
lighted candle in his hand, and Winn saw that he was walking in his
sleep. And not only was he walking in his sleep but he was talking in
his sleep also, and this is what he was saying: