THESE CHRONICLES DRAW TO A CLOSE--THE NEW LIGHTS NOT
DISPLEASED WITH ELIPHALET FOX'S DISCOMFITURE--PASSAGE OF
THE INDEPENDENT TREASURY BILL, AND REJOICING THEREON IN
QUODLIBET--CHANGES--INTERESTING LETTER FROM THE DIBBLE
FAMILY--MR. FLAM RETURNS TO QUODLIBET--HIS VIEWS OF THE
CANVASS--THE PRESIDENT'S RELIANCE ON THE INTELLIGENCE OF
THE PEOPLE--IGNOMINY AND INSULT OF FEDERALISM--ELECTIONS IN
KENTUCKY, INDIANA, AND NORTH CAROLINA--ALABAMA, MISSOURI,
AND ILLINOIS--PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION--CONSTERNATION OF THE
QUODS--MEETING OF THE CLUB--QUARREL OF THEODORE FOG AND
HON. MIDDLETON FLAM--DEFECTION OF FOG AND SUNDRY TRUE
GRITS--SECOND SPLIT--GREAT UPROAR AND CONFUSION.
My patient and indulgent reader will doubtless agree with me that it is
time these gossiping chronicles were brought to a close. Indeed, I am so
near upon the heels of the day in which I write, and the printer so near
upon mine, that little remains to be said. I shall therefore dispatch
what remains of my memoranda with such speed as shall suit my reader's
longing for the end.
Although the New Lights in general bore no ill-will against that
division or faction which has been distinguished in these pages by the
name of True Grits, yet I must say we were not wholly displeased at the
result of Serjeant Trap's trial. On the contrary, many of us chuckled in
secret thereat. Eliphalet Fox we have ever acknowledged to be a useful
man and a zealous--and we have not been backward to award him such meed
as he deserved. But it must be told that in Eliphalet there lurks a
scantling of ambition to climb higher on the ladder than our party is
yet willing to afford to one of his degree. And Eliphalet moreover is
suspected--Heaven forfend that I should do him wrong!--in regard to the
Hon. Middleton Flam our representative, and those who are not altogether
well disposed toward him, I mean Theodore Fog's adherents, (for it is
manifest Theodore is looking to a seat in Congress,) utrosque parietes
linere, as the Latin proverb has it, which in the vernacular signifies
to wear two faces--by no means an uncommon, though a very objectionable
sin in political affairs. This may be a groundless suspicion, as I would
fain hope it is; but it is believed by many, and therefore the more
reason was there for some secret rejoicing in Quodlibet at Eliphalet's
failure in the matter of Sim Travers. It unquestionably hath made our
editor of the Whole Hog more modest and seemly in his behavior of late.
The course of the canvass has been growing every day more and more
intensely interesting to our New Lights; and, bating some few
aberrations into which we have fallen, daily gives us greater promise of
the consummation of all our wishes. The passage of the Independent
Treasury bill has brought us fresh occasion of rejoicing and confidence.
After a long, and, as Tom Crop says, a bloody struggle, lo! it is at
last the law of the land, and all our wishes are crowned. "It is," as
Mr. Flam has declared, "the unmingled, unaided, spontaneous result of
popular sagacity--springing not from executive dictation, nor the
influence of party discipline, but from the intuitive and instinctive
wisdom of millions of freemen ground to the dust by the tyrannical
pressure of associated wealth. It is the law of the land in spite of the
groans of merchants, the wailings of agriculturists, and the murmurs of
mechanics. It seals the fortune of our great chief, and proclaims the
immortal triumph of the New-Light Democracy."
When the tidings of this joyful event reached us in Quodlibet, our first
care was to fire one hundred guns; the next was to illuminate the
Borough, and to bring out all our flags and lanterns; after this the New
Lights were called together in the Court-House, where addresses were
delivered by Agamemnon Flag and Theodore Fog--the latter of whom
actually outdid himself in an effort that would have exalted the fame of
Patrick Henry; and to close this jubilee, the Central Committee passed a
resolution declaring the bill the Second Declaration of Independence.
For this brilliant series of events we have to thank that sturdy
devotion to State Rights which shone with such conspicuous luster in the
annihilation of New Jersey by the New Lights, in the House of
Representatives. But for that glorious stroke of policy the bill would
again have been crushed by the serpent of opposition. Now that we have
gained it, British Federal Whiggery is forever prostrate.
A fortnight after this event brought us the cheering tidings from
Louisiana, to which many an anxious eye had been turned. The elections
there have resulted in a splendid victory--a victory, indeed, not
indicated by the polls, where the majority was _seemingly_ increased
against us--but manifested in the spirit with which our people
everywhere received the tidings. Until this spirit became manifest, it
might be said our hopes were even wavering; but forthwith an unwonted
confidence in our success has spread abroad. The sagacious Mr.
Doubleday, whose face may be called the barometer of our party, and to
whom we all look for predictions of the future, now wears a countenance
wreathed in smiles, and tells us that, from what he knows of the
changeableness of that State, "we may make ourselves altogether certain
of the victory in the fall."
In running over the events of the day, nothing is more deserving of our
animadversion than the ostentatious display, by the British Federal Tory
Whigs, of the _changes_ among the people against the New-Light
Democracy;--as if here and there the change of some recreant Democrat,
who is afraid to follow his leader and chooses to have opinions of his
own, could stay the mighty torrent of attachment to the fortunes of our
chief. We do not deny these changes; but rather rejoice that men, so
little worthy of being called true Quods, should leave our standard to
the tried soldiers who have marched behind it in all its vicissitudes,
and fought its battles through the whole field of political experiment.
By such only can our glorious cause be upheld. But we can recount
changes as well as they.
I might select thousands from our newspapers; and I forbear to do so
only because I think it unworthy of the good sense of a Quod to parade
the names of converts to our party; thus assimilating, as it were, the
people to a flock of sheep, and expecting that more will follow because
many have gone before.
There is, however, one case which I am sure I shall be excused for
bringing before my reader. It is that of the Dibble family of Wisconsin.
It was brought to the notice of our Central Committee by Zachary
Younghusband, who came into possession of the original manuscript
through a brother Postmaster, Mr. Straddle, who resides in the
neighborhood of the converted family, and who, in fact, was the
amanuensis used upon the occasion. Our committee thought this document
of sufficient importance to be copied into the Whole Hog; from whence it
is likely to be transferred into every New-Light Democratic paper of the
country. It certainly exhibits very conclusive as well as very abundant
reasons for change; and may be said to contain the best epitome of the
popular objections of the New Lights to the election of General Harrison
which has yet appeared in print. An aged and widowed father with five
sons--all heretofore steeped to the lips in the slough of British
Whiggery--have had the independence to rise, in the majesty of
freemen, and boldly assert the highest prerogative of an American
citizen--the right of thinking, speaking, and voting in such
manner as a patriotic, disinterested New-Light Postmaster, whose
opinions are above all suspicion, might direct them. The letter of
this never-sufficiently-to-be-admired family will speak for itself. I
have only to remark that, in transcribing it, I have taken the liberty
to correct, what indeed I must call, some glaring faults in the
orthography--which are to be attributed solely to Mr. Straddle, the
Postmaster, who reduced the instrument to writing, and who, by-the-by,
let me say, should be advised to give more of his attention to the
useful art of spelling--but in no other point altering word, syllable,
or letter.
It it is somewhat fancifully headed
"GO IT, YE CRIPPLES!
"This is to give notice, that we who have put our sign-manuals to
the foot thereof, being till now snorting Whigs, having heard our
Postmaster, Clem Straddle, Esq., say that he knows General Harrison
sold five white men as slaves off his plantation, and _is_ for
abolition, and whipped four naked women on their bare backs, and
_is_ for imprisonment for debt, and moreover _is_ for making a
King, and goes for raising the expenses of the Government up to
fifteen millions, and _is_ a coward and wears petticoats, and _is_
kept in a cage, and wants to reduce wages, and for that purpose is
a going to have a standing army of two hundred thousand men, which
our free and independent spirits won't bear, and wants to give the
public money, which comes from the sweat of our brows, and public
lands, to Sam Swartout and Price, and a gang of British Whigs,
which we consider against the Constitution, and moreover we don't
believe he won't answer, and has got no principles excepting them
what he used to have, and is against the Independent Treasury which
was signed Fourth of July, whereby it is the Declaration of
Independence; and the aforesaid Clem Straddle, Esq., which writeth
this for us and in our names, being against all office-holders
which the British Whigs is a striving after, and tells us to vote
for Van Buren, we being an affectionate father and five orphan
children without any mother, and never had any since infancy, make
known that in the next Presidential election in this Territory, if
we had a vote, and if not we shall vote in Missouri, we goes
against Tip. and Ty. and all that disgusting mummery of Log Cabins,
Hard Cider, Coonskins, Possums, and Gourds, in regard of their
lowering morals, and goes for Jackson, Hickory Poles, Whole Hogs,
and Van Buren, as witness our hands and seals.
his
MALACHI + DIBBLE, Parent.
mark.
his
WASHINGTON + DIBBLE.
mark.
his
JEFFERSON + DIBBLE.
mark.
MADISON DIBBLE.
FAYETTE DIBBLE.
his
SQUINTUS CURTIUS + DIBBLE.
mark.
"_Note._--Washington and Jefferson is voters, Madison and Fayette
is at school, and signs for themselves, and Squintus Curtius is
rising nine."
This letter, it will be admitted by all unprejudiced persons, bears the
most expressive testimony to the natural and unsophisticated character
of its authors; and furnishes us gratifying evidence that the great
Reform, which it has been the labor of our committee to promote, has
begun at the right end, and that the result must be the infallible and
universal triumph of New-Light Democracy over the whole Union.
Upon the adjournment of Congress, late in July, the Hon. Middleton Flam
returned to Quodlibet, to infuse new energy into our indefatigable
committee. Through him we were apprised of many matters of deep interest
touching the progress of the Campaign, which was now growing amazingly
active. Being in the confidence of the President and Amos Kendall, he
could tell us divers things which were not intrusted to the party at
large; and let us into the secrets of the little and big wheels which
were at work in Washington and other places.
These communications were generally of a character to increase the
already sufficient confidence of the party in the re-election of the
President, and still more, if possible, endear him to the multitudinous
friends who expected, in that event, to receive the long-sought and
well-earned rewards due to their personal devotion to his cause. Mr.
Flam had surveyed the whole field of contest, and had arrived at an
accuracy of information in regard to the vote of each State--and,
indeed, of almost every county in the Union--that, to the unstudied in
such matters, would appear to be miraculous--very little short of the
gift of prophecy. It is astonishing to see what proficiency an old and
practiced politician arrives at in predicting, months beforehand, the
precise majorities of the Democratic party over all other parties, in
every election, and especially in settling the result of a Presidential
election. Our sagacious member on this occasion assured us, greatly to
our exhilaration, that we should see, in the Western and Southern State
elections which were about to take place, a most triumphant vindication
of the administration, as well as a most conclusive evidence of the hold
which the President has gained upon the affections of the people.
"Indiana," he said, "is undoubtedly with us by an overwhelming majority;
Kentucky is redeemed, regenerated, and disenthralled, beyond a shadow of
doubt--(a favorite oratorical expression of his;) and North Carolina is
prepared to hurl the thunderbolts of her contemptuous scorn against
British Whiggery, with the red right hand of an offended Jove. Depend
upon what I tell you, gentlemen. I have carefully surveyed the field. I
am not accustomed to speak without knowledge. I am never mistaken."
Assured and invigorated by these encouraging words, we accordingly wait
with cheerful trust in the coming event.
* * * * *
Some nervous New Lights affect to see signs of alarm in the unwonted
disquietude of the President. Rumors reach us that he does not sleep
well; that he writes many letters, slightly variant in sentiment, to
opposite sections of the Union; that he manifests symptoms of an
over-excited zeal to demonstrate the exceedingly prosperous condition of
the party. Besides this, the Vice-President, it is said, thinks it his
duty "to take the stump," which is considered rather an ominous
departure from "the usages of the Democratic party," and, in fact, is
looked upon as a proof that our leaders are growing a little
faint-hearted. But what can be more consistent with the principles and
professions of the New-Light creed? Have we not exploded Mr. Jefferson's
old and unprofitable notion, that the office-holders ought not to
interfere with the freedom of the elective franchise? Is it not a
fundamental point in our philosophy that the offices are "the spoils,"
and that the men who hold them owe it to themselves and their posterity
to fight for them in every way known to Democratic warfare?--How
appropriate then is it that our highest and greatest officers, having
the largest stake, should be in the very front of the battle! Is it not
especially incumbent on the President, being the illustrious head of the
unterrified new Democracy, to show a laudable anxiety for the issues of
the campaign, to write letters suited to every emergency, to rectify
constitutional mistakes, and to mystify every unpleasant fact that might
have a tendency to divide the party or discourage its hopes? If he did
not diligently devote himself to such work he would not be worthy of
that high place we have assigned him in the Quodlibetarian school.
Mr. Flam, moreover, assures us that the President has a profound faith
in "the intelligence and firmness of the people," and is unwearied in
his endeavors to make that clear to the most careless or indifferent
observer. Mr. Flam himself urges it upon the Club as highly important;
that we should give great prominence to this idea of an absolute belief
in the intelligence of the people. He reminds us, that it is a cardinal
maxim in the tactics of the New Lights, when a politician or a party is
suspected of any unwholsome opinion, to repel the effect of this
suspicion by frequent affirmation and repetition of words and sentiments
which in the popular judgment shall be held to contradict it.
Another card in the game our member recommends on the same august
authority: that is, to dwell persistently upon the _Federalism_ of our
opponents, and to speak of it, on all occasions, as a term of "ignominy
and insult," by which, he says, many virtuous and innocent-minded
Democrats may be beguiled into the belief that none of our chief and
most authoritative leaders ever belonged to that venerable party which
once gloried in the name of Federalists.
These and many other valuable suggestions were communicated by our
Honorable Representative to the Club, as matters of moment in the
conduct of our affairs.
It is wonderful to contemplate the influence of these master-minds upon
our Quodlibetarian friends. The President scarcely drops a sentiment
from his pen before it becomes as it were expanded into the common air
of Democracy. The Globe usually leads off: the Whole Hog follows; and
upon their heels the Scrutinizer, with all the rank and file of
typographs, brings up a glorious chorus of repetition which leaves no
hill or valley, mountain or plain in the whole land uninstructed in the
Presidential utterances. Thus is it, even now, with this tribute to the
_intelligence_ and _firmness_ of the people, and this stigma of
_ignominy_ and _insult_ upon the old Federalists.
The Hon. Middleton Flam, Theodore Fog, Agamemnon Flag, and Zachary
Younghusband, (for Zachary has turned orator of late,) and, without
vaunting, I myself may say that the importance of the crisis has even,
on same recent occasions, placed me in the same category--we all give
breath to the same sentiment in speeches by day and by night, and "the
same keynote," to quote a studied and prepared figure of speech from an
admirable oration delivered last week by Agamemnon Flag in front of the
Iron Railing--"The same key note of the _Intelligence of the People_
rings in the discourses of five thousand Orators, and jangles in twenty
thousand resolutions of New-Light Democratic Clubs from the St. Croix to
the Sabine; and through all the windings of its devious way the
_Ignominy and the Insult of Federalism_ murmur on the ear in inseparable
treble accompaniment."
POSTSCRIPT.
We have just received in Quodlibet the news from Kentucky, Indiana, and
North Carolina. We are lost in amazement! Our cause is no longer in
doubt. Whatever misgivings we may have heretofore entertained, all have
vanished. The majorities Mr. Doubleday accounts for in the most
satisfactory manner,--and though ostensibly on the side of the British
Whigs, they have yet been obtained in such a manner as to render us
perfectly certain of success "in the Fall."
Nim Porter offers an even bet of one thousand dollars on the result, and
is willing to increase it to ten.
SECOND POSTSCRIPT.
Alabama, Illinois, and Missouri, are _in_, at the office of the Whole
Hog. Eliphalet Fox is stark mad with delirious joy. To outward
appearance something is gained by the enemy; but Mr. Doubleday says it
is altogether illusory, and that, in fact, he has never been truly
confident until now. He repeats his assurance, that we must, from the
signs, inevitably carry all before us "in the Fall."
Nim Porter is willing to double his bets.
* * * * *
THIRD POSTSCRIPT.
_Longo Intervallo._
The great election is over. Harrison is elected!!!
* * * * *
I can write no more at present. I crave time to compose myself.
* * * * *
TEN AT NIGHT.--The Club is in session. How blank, dreary, and long
visaged!
We all feel the calamity, but say little.
Mr. Snuffers is terribly exercised. He thinks the catastrophe
is to be attributed to that unhappy split of the party on the Iron
Railing:--blames Theodore Fog for pressing that point too hard on Ag
Flag and his friends.
Theodore Fog is greatly exasperated at this remark, and threatens to
make a speech next week to explain his views: says he has known all
along that Harrison would be elected,--adding, to the consternation of
every one,--"AS HE DESERVED TO BE!" He affirms angrily, "no party could
get on with that ABSURD(!) Two-Third's Rule, which," he says, "is a
flagrant abnegation, repudiation, and fundamental and atrocious
violation of the old, ancient, and veteran usages of the Democratic
party." He adds, with extraordinary bitterness of expression and
violence of gesticulation, pointing his finger at the Hon. Middleton
Flam, who had just entered the club-room, "I can name the wr-r-retched
intriguer who got it up. As Nathan said unto David--Thou art the man!"
Great confusion in the Club. Mr. Flam grows red in the face. Several
members start from their seats. Mr. Flam shakes his fist at Theodore
Fog, and calls him AN ABOLITIONIST! He would have uttered other
epithets, but Mr. Doubleday catches him in his arms and holds his hand
close over Mr. F.'s mouth. Fog fiercely retorts on Mr. Flam, and
vociferates in the rudest tone--"FEDERALIST!"--He jerks off his cravat
in a highly exasperated manner, evidently threatening a personal
assault. Nim Porter seizes him by the shoulders, and whirls him into a
corner, ejaculating, "The., don't make a fool of yourself!"
The uproar is at its height, when Thomas G. Winkelman, with great
presence of mind, blows out the lights. The consequence is, an abrupt
adjournment and a hurried and excited departure of the members from the
hall.
NEXT MORNING.--All Quodlibet is in a state of unparalleled disorder. It
is reported that Theodore Fog has gone over to Harrison. Many True Grits
have taken the same path.
This is the second great Split of the Democratic party. The Hon.
Middleton Flam says it cannot possibly stand a third.
Quis, talia fando, temperet a lachrymis!
* * * * *
GENTLE reader, I have performed my covenant. Quod meum fuit praestiti.
What content these chronicles, and the poor skill with which they are
set forth, may have brought to our respectable committee, I am in no
position to decide; since I know that an author is seldom honestly
commended to his face. That there is division of opinion on this matter
I am aware; for upon the reading at the last meeting on Wednesday night,
I could not fail to observe certain signs of dissent, if not of
displeasure, passing between Eliphalet Fox and Zachary Younghusband; and
_that_ more than once. But Mr. Flam, who has always shown himself a true
friend and patron to me, took up my cause with such spirit and effect,
being well supported by Mr. Doubleday and Mr. Snuffers, that a unanimous
vote of approbation was finally passed by the committee. Thus sheltered
under the shield of triple brass and tough bull hide of our Grand
Central Committee, I cheerfully submit my labors to the judgment of the
good folks of Quodlibet; promising, if they approve and should again
call me to the desk, to contribute what my opportunity may allow to the
better elucidation of their character, both social and public, wherein
it is manifest an eager desire to be instructed hath lately grown up in
this nation. Non sum qui oblivionis artem, quam memoriae mallem.
SOLOMON SECONDTHOUGHTS,
_Schoolmaster_.
Transcriber's Note:
"Flan", an abbreviation of "Flanigan", and "The", an abbreviation
of "Theodore", are sometimes followed by a period, sometimes not.
The following is a list of changes made to the original.
The first line is the original line, the second the corrected one.
INTERLOCUTORS ACTORS, etc. 21
INTERLOCUTORS, ACTORS, etc. 21
CHAPTER IX
CHAPTER IX.
CHARLEY MOGGS--Boss loafer of Bickerbray, and promoted in
CHARLEY MOGGS.--Boss loafer of Bickerbray, and promoted in
"My dear Middleton," read that," said the Judge.
"My dear Middleton, read that," said the Judge.
whom a more pellucid, diaphonous, transparent Secretary
whom a more pellucid, diaphanous, transparent Secretary
Flan. being found upon examination to be muddled
Flan., being found upon examination to be muddled
that Eliphalet Fox would run Augustus Posthlethwaite
that Eliphalet Fox would run Augustus Postlethwaite
ourselves!" The Democracy of Quodlibet never will
ourselves! The Democracy of Quodlibet never will
A waive of the hand and a bow showed that Theodore
A wave of the hand and a bow showed that Theodore
Lights. But the assuidity with which we endeavored
Lights. But the assiduity with which we endeavored
the Massissippi. And they say, moreover, that little
the Mississippi. And they say, moreover, that little
cut of Democracy.
cut of Democracy."
"I'm not a persecutor, nother," said Tom Crop. By
"I'm not a persecutor, nother," said Tom Crop. "By
_firmness_ of the peeple, and this stigma of _ignominy_
_firmness_ of the people, and this stigma of _ignominy_