THIRD ERA--DIVISIONS IN QUODLIBET CONTINUE--FOMENTED BY
THE WOMEN--FOG RATHER DISAPPOINTS HIS FRIENDS BY HIS
COURSE IN THE LEGISLATURE--PROSTRATION OF BUSINESS IN THE
BOROUGH--TRACED TO THE MERCHANTS--MR. FLAM'S OPINION OF
THEM, AND THE CONSEQUENCE THEREOF--INDIGNATION OF THE NEW
LIGHTS AGAINST THEM--FOG'S EULOGIUM UPON THEM--MOVEMENTS OF
THE TRUE GRITS--FOX'S SKILLFUL MANAGEMENT--THE TIGERTAIL
AFFAIR--MYSTERIOUS TERMINATION OF IT--NIM PORTER'S INDISCRETION.
The design of this little book forbids that I should do more than
cursorily touch upon many incidents in the history of Quodlibet, which,
although abundant of interest to the curious reader, are not so
immediately connected with the main purpose of this work--that purpose
being to unfold the operation of the great principle of the New-Light
Quodlibetarian theory.
Whenever the time shall arrive, as I would fain persuade myself it
must, in which the public shall feel such concern in the affairs of
Quodlibet as to demand of me a full disclosure of the treasures of my
MSS., I shall greatly delight in spreading before it many particulars
which I have collected, having reference to the private concernments and
domestic transactions of our people and their sundry ways in regard to
many matters which do not fall within the scope of my present
undertaking. For, truly, the history of Quodlibet will be found, when
impartially narrated, to yield a plentiful fruitage of ethical, moral
and social instruction, as well as political--to which latter aspect are
my labors at this time confined.
In conformity with my plan, and being desirous to hasten forward to a
more modern epoch in these annals, I pass over the intervening space,
and bring my reader almost a year in advance of the events narrated in
the last chapter.
It was now approaching the fifth year of the Removal:--the long session
of Congress had closed in July, 1838. The Hon. Middleton Flam had once
more returned to his constituents, and temporarily mingled in the walks
of private life. Greatly was his return desiderated at this epoch. We
had got all wrong--we lacked information--we wanted this great man's
advice.
The split at this time--if I may use a metaphor--was green and wide;
or, in plainer language, our dissensions ran high. If the men might be
said to be at sixes and sevens, the women were twice as bad--they were
at twelves and fourteens. Mrs. Ferret had become inveterate, and headed
a party of Feminine True Grits; Susan Barndollar, who had a temper of
her own, of course became inveterate too, and, as Barndollar &
Hardbottle were accounted a rich firm, she headed, or strove to do so, a
party of Feminine Mandarins. Hester Hardbottle, under a similar impulse,
took command of the Female Middlings. Thus marshaled, the New-Light
women manifested a very high degree of political corruscation, and kept
the Borough in perpetual hot water. Every tea-party was a scalding
concern, and it was lamentable to see what a foothold the serpent of
discord had gained in our little Eden of Quodlibet.
The men were not so ferocious; in part because they had their business
to look after; but chiefly, because the stronger, when they failed in
argument, could drub the weaker--and that drubbing system is a great
moderator of political opinions. The women, having neither of these
motives to keep quiet, took the bits in their mouths and ran off as fast
as, and whenever, they chose.
Theodore Fog's conduct in the Legislature, during the past winter, had
in some degree rather weakened the cause of his friends. He had
disappointed them--although they were unwilling publicly to allow as
much--on two points: First, because he had not got them all provided
with offices, as he had, it appeared, secretly promised; but, on the
contrary, came home without having accomplished that desirable object
for a single individual of the party; and, secondly, because he had been
exceedingly irregular in his habits during the whole session, and had
consequently made but four speeches, of three hours each, during the
winter, when it was confidently expected that he would have made at
least thirty-four, and have completely silenced the opposition. The
irregularity of his habits they could forgive; but the matter of the
offices sunk deep in their hearts--they began to suspect his Democracy.
A change had also taken place in the business affairs of Quodlibet. All
improvements had ceased:--many persons were out of employment; industry
was declining; trade was at a low ebb; the mechanics were grumbling, and
four mercantile houses had failed. Immediately after the suspension
Nicodemus Handy had issued a great amount of small notes. Dr. Thomas G.
Winkelman, actuated by patriotic emotions, also issued a batch
payable in soda-water, soap, or physic. Zachary Younghusband, the
tinplate-worker and postmaster, reflecting on the crisis, and being
determined to contribute his mite toward the regulation of the currency,
followed the example of Dr. Winkelman, and put out a ream, redeemable in
Copperplate Bank notes when presented to the amount of five dollars at
his tinplate shop. Sim Travers, who had a drinking shed at the lower end
of the canal basin, with equal public spirit, uttered his paper in fips,
"Good for a Drink." Many others imitated these precedents, whereby it
fell out that no part of the Union was better supplied with a currency
than Quodlibet.
Still the Borough languished and pined under a gradual decay of its
prosperity; and it was long before our wise men could ascertain the real
source of this decline. The cause was at last discovered. We are
indebted for its development to the astuteness of our distinguished
representative. There were eight of the principal mercantile houses of
the Borough which had been established by Whigs: in fact, throwing out
Barndollar & Hardbottle, all the merchants of Quodlibet might be said to
be opposed to the administration. It was very apparent, after the Hon.
Middleton Flam drew the attention of the club to this fact, that these
houses had combined to produce an utter prostration of business, solely
for political effect, and that the malevolence of four of the most
thriving among them had gone so far as even to render themselves
bankrupt, and to break up, for no earthly purpose but that of making the
administration unpopular. "This is a specimen of the gratitude," said
Mr. Flam, speaking with great emotion upon the subject, "this is the
gratitude of these commercial vultures--(he always called them
commercial vultures after the Suspension, and when speaking to the
people)--for all the manifold favors and bounties which, for five years
past, the government has been so assiduously heaping upon their heads.
This is their acknowledgment of the extraordinary kindness shown them by
the Secretary of the Treasury when he directed our bank to lend these
vipers the public money! Biddle and the Barings are at the bottom of
this conspiracy; and the merchants of the United States, yes, and the
manufacturers and all the moneyed men, would gladly beggar themselves
and their families rather than allow us to regulate their currency and
make them the happiest people on earth. What unparalleled perfidy!"
After this, the New Lights of course became indignant against the
merchants, and held them up, as they deserved, to public execration, as
the authors of all our misfortunes. From Quodlibet, this sentiment
became general among the New-Light Democrats everywhere. Mr. Van Buren
caught the idea; the Globe expatiated upon it; the Stump rang with it;
and it soon took its place as one of the cardinal maxims in the
New-Light creed. Such is the supremacy of one commanding intellect!
Never was there a topic equal to this in the elections. "The
merchants," Theodore Fog very pertinently remarked, "are a first-rate
subject for a stump speech: they are a monstrous _little_ knot of
fellows, anyhow--and, comparatively speaking, of no sort of account, in
the way of voting. Having the handling of a good deal of cash, and
plenty to do in the way of giving and taking of promissory notes, you
can slap upon them the argument of The Money Power with tremendous
effect: you can tickle them with the whip of Aristocracy in perfection;
and you can run 'em down with the text of the money-changers in the
Temple, and all that sort of thing, to a nicety. Besides, there are so
few of them that either _can_ make a speech before the people, or, if
they can, will take the trouble to follow a man about for that purpose,
that you are not likely to be pestered with their replies. Capital
animals for _an opposition_, they take a lathering so quiet! Then, sir,
for every _one_ merchant you lay upon his back, you gain _five_ True
Grits to your side. I've studied that out. Our people, I mean the New
Lights, can be made to hate a merchant like snakes--because if he does
get on well with his business, and makes a little fortune, we can call
him a Rag Baron, a Ruffle Shirt, a Scrub Aristocrat,--and that's equal
to sending him to the deserts of Arabia: and if he fails, as the greater
part of the poor devils do, we can get up a still worse cry against him
for turning the humble and honest laborer out of employment, grinding
the faces of the poor, depriving the widow and the orphan of their
bread, and coining the sweat of the Bone and Sinew's brow to feed
Usurers, Brokers, and Shavers. And, by-the-by, these arguments are quite
good against manufacturers and Whig master-mechanics. But a merchant,
sir, can't hold up his head one moment before them. Every which way,
sir, he's a prime scape-goat. Then, sir, when we want to make an
EXPERIMENT,--why, of course, we go to the merchants. Here's all this
_currency_ business, especially the tail of it, the Sub-Treasury--fine
thing to stir up the people with--sounds well in theory, though a little
mischievous in practice. Well, sir, we test it on the merchants: _we_
get the popularity, _they_ get the damage. The approved philosophical
mode to try a dangerous experiment, is to attempt it on a cat:--sir,
_The Merchants are our cats_."
Mr. Flam, seeing the state of our divisions, took a great deal of
trouble to restore harmony into our ranks, and certainly did much to
overawe the True Grits, who, now fancying themselves in the ascendent,
became very dictatorial. Eliphalet Fox, although he took every occasion
to speak in his paper greatly in commendation of Mr. Flam, was,
nevertheless, an active upholder of the True-Grit division. "Our worthy
representative," he said, "was happily stationed above the influence of
these little _family quarrels_; and it was undoubtedly a subject of
congratulation with that distinguished gentleman, that every section of
the great Democratic household of Quodlibet could cordially unite the
testimonials of their confidence in his talents, his patriotism, and his
fidelity to the interests of his constituents."
This paragraph was considered a master-stroke of New-Light Democracy in
Eliphalet, because its tendency was to keep him and his paper on good
terms with all parties supporting the administration, while it left him
free to pursue the paramount objects which the True Grits steadily kept
in view.
These objects were the attainment of all the lucrative offices in our
district,--a striking exemplification of which now occurred in the
celebrated Tigertail affair. That affair my duty as a chronicler
requires me to notice.
A secret meeting of the True Grits had been lately held in the Borough.
The subject in discussion was a weighty one. It was reported to this
conclave that Ferox Tigertail, the marshal of this district, who resided
and kept his office in Bickerbray, had in his employment two individuals
of suspicious principles. The first was Washington Cutbush, a clerk, who
had been overheard to say, at the Sycamore Spring, in a confidential
conversation with his brother-in-law, Lemuel Garret, that he began to
think Tom Benton's gold currency a HUMBUG! The second was Corney Dust,
the porter and firemaker of the office, who, there was reason to
believe, had voted at the last election for Agamemnon Flag. Upon these
facts being vouched to the meeting by Magnus Morehead, the True Grit
shoemaker in the Borough, and Sandy Buttercrop, the express-rider,
message-carrier, baggage-porter, and follower of sundry other visible
means of livelihood, it was resolved that a committee of three, to
consist of Eliphalet Fox, Dr. Winkelman, and Nim Porter, should wait
upon Mr. Tigertail, communicate to him the full extent of the charge,
and require him, in the name of The Exclusive, New-Light, True-Grit
Democrats of Quodlibet, forthwith to dismiss Washington Cutbush from his
office, and substitute Magnus Morehead in his place; and also to
supersede Corney Dust by the appointment of Sandy Buttercrop.
The committee, in pursuance of these instructions, visited the marshal,
and explained the object of their mission in respectful but firm
language. Tigertail, being a choleric man, and an old Federalist to
boot,--who had been converted to the New-Light faith about eight years
ago, at the date of the renewal of his commission,--heard the committee
with exemplary composure; and then setting his eyes, with a fixed glare,
upon Eliphalet Fox, he waited about ten seconds--at the end of which
brief period of deliberation, he kicked the said Eliphalet clean out of
his office:--and this being done to his entire satisfaction, he rather
testily invited Dr. Winkelman and Nim Porter to follow their chairman.
It is due to these two gentlemen to say, that like good committee men,
they did so,--even anticipating the marshal's invitation to the adoption
of that course of conduct.
This incident being faithfully reported by the committee to the meeting
of True Grits, convened for the express purpose of learning the result,
it was unanimously resolved,--First, that Tigertail's demeanor was
mysterious, equivocal, and unexpected; secondly, that it was unpolite to
Eliphalet Fox; and, thirdly, that it was against the principles and
usages known to the New-Light Democracy. Another resolution was adopted
to lay the whole matter before the President of the United States, and
to instruct him, as the Representative of the People, to dismiss Marshal
Tigertail, without delay, from his post; and confer it upon the injured
Eliphalet Fox, whose kicking entitled him to the deepest sympathy of the
party, and gave him, according to a well-established maxim of the New
Lights, a right to immediate preferment.
These resolutions imparted great satisfaction to the meeting, and no
doubt was entertained that the President would act upon the subject with
that promptitude which distinguishes his character. Marshal Tigertail
was looked upon as a doomed man, and no better than a Whig; and indeed
he was already considered as having joined that party. Dr. Thomas G.
Winkelman, Nim Porter, and Dabbs, the compositor, were intrusted with
this embassy of instruction to the President;--Eliphalet Fox being left
out of the deputation from obvious considerations of delicacy--a
sentiment which it must be allowed has ever characterized the
proceedings of the True Grits on all occasions, and which many of the
most observant and sagacious of that sect have asserted has been the
principal cause of the failure of their schemes.
The new deputation lost no time in setting forth upon the execution of
their duty. They were attended to the stage coach by a large number of
True Grits, who, to use the language of Theodore Fog, "signalized their
departure with indignant pomp." Great expectations were indulged on this
appeal, or rather this mandate to the President. Day after day passed by
without bringing news from the mission:--the Globe was taken from each
mail with increased avidity, in the hope of seeing some official
announcement of the removal of Tigertail. A provoking silence on that
point reigned throughout its columns. Ten days rolled on without a
letter from the committee:--a fortnight wore away, and yet none had
returned. A traveler at last reported that he had seen Nim Porter at the
White Sulphur Springs. It was ascertained that Dr. Winkelman was
in the City of New York purchasing drugs for his shop; and upon
investigation it was discovered that Dabbs had been at his work in the
printing-office, unknown to the Borough, for more than a week. By a
singular coincidence of feeling among the True Grits, all curiosity as
to the fate of the mission suddenly subsided. The subject was treated
with indifference; and in the course of a few days, after both Dr.
Winkelman and Nim Porter had returned home, when the Thorough Blue Whole
Team put forth a paragraph inquiring after the Tigertail Embassy, the
Whole Hog came out with a petulant and snappish reply, affirming that
the report of such a mission was a mere Whig lie, coined with a view to
political effect, and uttered in the Whole Team simply because "that
mendacious and filthy sheet delighted to revel in falsehood, and had
never been known to stumble upon the truth, even by accident." Dr.
Winkelman studiously avoided all reference to his absence from the
Borough, and Nim Porter was equally cautious for about a month; at the
expiration of which period Neal Hopper happened to say, in his presence,
he had good reason to know that Marshal Tigertail was no favorite with
the President, and would be removed from office before the end of the
next Congress;--whereupon Nim, very unguardedly and under a sudden,
uncontrollable impulse, planted himself before the miller and said,--
"I'll bet you one hundred dollars to ten upon that."
"Well, I 'spose you know?" said Neal, struck by Nim's peremptory manner.
"Conclusively and distinctly," replied Nim with some heat. "If you
think Liphalet Fox is going to be the marshal you're mistaken: I know
Martin Van Buren," he added with some display of self-importance,
"considerably--and I can tell you that he goes the whole figure against
rotation in this individual and identical case. He's a Mandarin from
snout to tail--trained up from the gum, and wouldn't touch a True Grit
with a forty-foot pole. Martin has defined his position emphatically.
There can't be a possibility of mistake upon the subject."
"Do you mean to say that you heard him say so?" inquired William
Goodlack, the tailor, a strenuous member of the True Grits, looking
angrily at Nim.
"That's neither here nor there," replied Nim. "But I'll stand to the bet
of one hundred dollars to ten, that Tigertail's not turned out of office
this year: you are welcome to take it yourself, Billy Goodlack, if
you're a mind for a bet."
"Whoever said Tigertail ought to be turned out?" asked Goodlack,
peevishly, "'cepting Neal Hopper, who picked up such a story out of the
nine thousand lies of the Whole Team?"
From this little brush with Nim Porter, and from the looks that passed
between the parties engaged in it, there was room for the inference that
the President didn't give much encouragement to the committee who went
to him with instructions to turn out the marshal: and this is nearly
everything that has ever transpired in Quodlibet upon that subject. It
is very certain that, for some time after this date, the True Grits were
not so bold as a party as they had been before. Eliphalet Fox was
undoubtedly much chop-fallen during all the following winter.