Elmwood, September 20th, 18--.
Daisy McDonald Thornton's journal,--presented by my husband, Mr. Guy
Thornton, who wishes me to write something in it every day; and who,
when I asked him what I should write, said: "Your thoughts, and
opinions, and experiences. It will be pleasant for you sometime to look
back upon your early married life and see what progress you have made
since then, and will help you to recall incidents you would otherwise
forget. A journal fixes things in your mind, and I know you will enjoy
it, especially as no one is to see it, and you can talk to it freely as
to a friend."
That is what Guy said, and I wrote it right down to copy into the book
as a kind of preface or introduction. I am not much pleased with having
to keep a journal, and maybe I shall coax Zillah to keep it for me. I
don't care to _fix_ things in my mind. I don't like things _fixed_,
anyway. I'd rather they would lie round loose, as they surely would, if
I had not Zillah to pick them up. She is a treasure, and it is almost
worth being married to have a waiting-maid,--and that reminds me that I
may as well begin back at the time when I was not married, and did not
want to be either, if we had not been so poor, and obliged to make so
many shifts to keep up appearances and seem richer than we were.
My maiden name was Margaret McDonald, and I am seventeen next New Year's
Day. My father is of Scotch descent, and a lawyer; and mother was a
Barnard, from New Orleans, and has some very good blood in her veins. I
am an only child, and very handsome,--so everybody says; and I should
know it if they did not say it, for can't I see myself in the glass? And
still I really do not care so much for my good looks except as they
serve to attain the end for which father says I was born.
Almost the first thing I can remember is of his telling me that I must
marry young and marry rich, and I promised him I would, provided I could
stay at home with mother just the same after I was married. Another
thing I remember, which made a lasting impression, and that is the
beating father gave me for asking before some grand people staying at
our house, "Why we did not always have beefsteak and hot muffins for
breakfast, instead of baked potatoes and bread and butter?"
I must learn to keep my mouth shut, he said, and not tell all I knew;
and I profited by the lesson, and that is one reason, I suppose, why I
so rarely say what I think or express an opinion either favorable or
otherwise.
I do not believe I am deceitful, though all my life I have seen my
parents try to seem what they are not; that is, try to seem like rich
people, when sometimes father's practice brought him only a few hundreds
a year, and there was mother and myself and Tom to support. Tom is my
cousin,--Tom McDonald--who lived with us and fell in love with me,
though I never tried to make him. But I liked him ever so much, even if
he did use to tease me horridly, and put horn-bugs in my shoes, and
worms on my neck, and jack-o'lanterns in my room, and tip me off his
sled into the snow; for with all his teasing, he had a great, kind,
unselfish heart, and I shall never forget that look on his face when I
told him I could not be his wife. I did not like him as he liked me, and
I did not want to be married any way. I could not bear the thought of
being tied up to some man, and if I did marry it must be to somebody who
was rich. That was in Chicago, and the night before Tom started for
South America, where he was going to make his fortune, and he wanted me
to promise to wait for him, and said no one would ever love me as well
as he did.
I could not promise, because, even if he had all the gold mines in Peru,
I did not care to spend my days with him,--to see him morning, noon and
night, and all the time. It is a good deal to ask of a woman, and I told
him so, and he cried so hard,--not loud, but in a pitiful kind of way,
which hurt me cruelly. I hear that sobbing sometimes now in my sleep,
and it's like the moan of the wind round that house on the prairie where
Tom's mother died. Poor Tom! I gave him a lock of my hair and let him
kiss me twice, and then he went away, and after that old Judge Burton
offered himself and his million to me; but I could not endure his bald
head a week, I should hate him awfully and I told him no; and when
father seemed sorry and said I missed it, I told him I would not sell
myself for gold alone,--I'd run away first and go after Tom, who was
young and just bearable. Then Guy Thornton came, and--and--well, he took
me by storm, and I liked him better than any one I had ever seen, though
I would rather have him for my friend,--my beau, whom I could order
around and get rid of when I pleased, but I married him. Everybody said
he was rich, and father was satisfied and gave his consent, and bought
me a most elaborate trousseau. I wondered then where the money came
from. Now, I know that _Tom_ sent it. He has been very successful with
his mine, and in a letter to father sent me a check for fifteen hundred
dollars. Father would not tell me that, but mother did, and I felt
worse, I think, than when I heard the sobbing. Poor Tom! I never wear
one of the dresses now without thinking who paid for it and wrote in his
letter, "I am working like an ox for Daisy." Poor Tom!
----
October 1st, 18--.
I rather like writing in my journal after all, for here I can say what I
think, and I guess I shall not let Zillah make the entries. Where did I
leave off? Oh, about poor Tom.
I have had a letter from him. He had just heard of my marriage, and only
said, "God bless you, my darling little Daisy, and may you be very
happy."
I burned the letter up and cried myself into a headache. I wish people
would not love me so much. I do not deserve it, for I know I am not what
they think me to be. There's Guy, my husband, more to be pitied than
Tom, because, you see, he has got me; and privately, between you and me,
old journal, I am not worth the getting, and I know it perhaps better
than any one else. I do not think I am really mean or bad, but there
certainly is in my make-up something different from other women. I like
Guy and believe him to be the best man in the world, and I would rather
he kissed me than Tom, but do not want any body to kiss me, especially a
man, and Guy is so affectionate, and his great hands are so hot, and
muss my fluted dresses so terribly.
I guess I don't like to be married anyway. If one only could have the
house, and the money, and the nice things without the husband! That's
wicked, of course, when Guy is so kind and loves me so much. I wish he
didn't, but I would not for the world let him know how I feel. I did
tell him that I was not the wife he ought to have, but he would not
believe me, and father was anxious, and so I married him, meaning to do
the best I could. It was splendid at Saratoga, only Guy danced so
ridiculously and would not let me waltz with those young men. As if I
cared a straw for them or any body besides Guy and Tom!
It is very pleasant here at Elmwood, but the house is not as grand as I
supposed, and there are not as many servants, and the family carriage is
awful pokey. Guy is to give me a pretty little phaeton on my birthday.
I like Miss Frances very much, only she is such a raging housekeeper,
and keeps me all the while on the alert. I don't believe in these raging
housekeepers who act as if they wanted to make the bed before you are
up, and eat breakfast before it is ready. I don't like to get up in the
morning any way, and I don't like to hurry, and I am always behind, and
keeping somebody waiting, and that disturbs the people here very much.
Miss Frances seems really cross sometimes, and even Guy looks sober and
disturbed when he has waited for me half an hour or more. I guess I must
try and do better, for both Guy and Miss Frances are as kind as they can
be, but then I am not one bit like them, and have never been accustomed
to anything like order and regularity. At home things came round any
time, and I came with them, and that suited me better than being
married, only now I have a kind of settled feeling, and am Mrs. Guy
Thornton, and Guy is good looking, and highly esteemed, and very
learned, and I can see that the young ladies in the neighborhood envy me
for being his wife. I wonder who is that Julia Hamilton, Miss Frances
talks about so much, and why Guy did not marry her instead of me. She is
very learned, and gets up in the morning and flies round and is always
ready, and reads scientific articles in the _Westminster Review_, and
teaches in Sunday-school, and thinks it wicked to waltz, and likes to
discuss all the mixed-up horrid questions of the day,--religion and
politics and science and everything. I asked Guy once why he did not
marry her instead of a little goose like me, and he said he liked the
little goose the best, and then kissed me, and crumpled my white dress
all up. Poor Guy! I wish I did love him as well as he does me, but it's
not in me to love any body very much.
----
December 20th, 18--.
A horrible thing has happened, and I have married a poor man after all!
Guy signed for somebody and had to pay, and Elmwood must be sold, and we
are to move into a stuffy little house, without Zillah, and with but one
girl, and I shall have to take care of my own room as I did at home, and
make my own bed and pick up my things and shall never be ready for
dinner. It is too dreadful to think about, and I was sick for a week
after Guy told me of it. I might as well have married Tom, only I like
Guy the best. He looks so sorry and sad that I sometimes forget myself
to pity him. I am going home to mother for a long, long time,--all
winter may be,--and I shall enjoy it so much. Guy says I have ten
thousand dollars of my own, and the interest on that will buy my
dresses, I guess, and get something for Miss Frances, too. She is a
noble woman, and tries to bear up so bravely. She says they will keep
the furniture of my blue room for me, if I want it; and I do, and I mean
to have Guy send it to Indianapolis, if he will. Oh, mother, I am so
glad I am coming back, where I can do exactly as I like,--eat my
breakfast on the washstand if I choose, and sit up all night long. I
almost wish,--no, I don't, either. I like Guy ever so much. It's being
tied up that I don't like.