_The Weekly Dispatch_ symposium, in which various celebrities discuss the
way to act in the event of a burglar being found in the house, shows the
need for a little advice in case of emergencies. We append the following
very helpful hints:--
The old plan of offering a burglar a cigarette and asking him to take a
chair while you telephone to the police is not now so successful as in the
past. The best plan is to tackle the fellow right away. For this purpose
you should step behind him, take hold of his coat and force it over his
face. Then tie his left arm to his right leg across the back. Properly
carried out, this method rarely fails.
* * * * *
To attract the attention of the young lady behind a post-office counter,
fire a revolver three times in succession, using blank cartridges. After
first aid has been rendered to the attendants step up to the counter and
purchase your stamp.
* * * * *
If you should be knocked down by a taxi, don't be alarmed and try to creep
out from under the thing. And don't blame the driver. Apologise to him,
and, as you are being carried away, shake hands and tell him that while it
was his cab it was your fault. Treated in this manner, drivers are not
nearly so offensive when they knock you down the next time.
* * * * *
Should the telephone-bell ring in your house, don't get excited. Keep calm.
Remember General GRANT. Remove the women and children to a place of safety,
lift off the receiver and say, "Good Heavens! Whoever can it be?"
* * * * *
Let us suppose that you are being attacked by a man with a chopper. Wait
until the weapon is well poised over your head. Just as he begins the down
stroke step aside smartly. The hatchet will then be found buried in the
ground. This means that bygones are bygones.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "ARE THEY RISING THE DAY, SIR?"
"NO."
"AH, WEEL, JUST BIDE A WEE. THEY AYE TAK BEST IN THE COOL OF THE EVENING."]
* * * * *