"If a burglar broke into my house," says Lady BEECHAM, "I should use the
telephone to summon help." Lady BEECHAM seems to have a sanguine
temperament.
* * *
Asked how she would act in case a burglar broke into her house, Miss IRIS
HOEY said she would stand before him and recite SHAKSPEARE. If anybody else
had said this we should have suspected a cruel nature.
* * *
A libel action arising, out of the representation by a German artist of the
ex-CROWN PRINCE as a baboon is to be heard shortly. It is not yet known who
is to prosecute on behalf of the local Society for the Prevention of
Cruelty to Animals.
* * *
Nine thousand officials have been appointed to control the food supplies in
Petrograd. English Government officials regard this arrangement as the work
of an amateur.
* * *
It is said that the exchange crisis is regarded by Mr. C.B. COCHRAN as a
deliberate attempt to divert attention from the DEMPSEY contest.
* * *
The rumour that CARPENTIER and DEMPSEY, in order to avoid further fuss and
publicity, have decided to fight it out privately, appears to have no
foundation.
* * *
Wrexham Education Committee is reconsidering its decision against teaching
Welsh in the elementary schools. The pathetic case of a local man who was
recently convicted of stealing a leg of beef owing to his being unable to
give his evidence in Welsh is thought to have something to do with it.
* * *
A domestic servants' union has been formed and an advertisement for a good
plain shop stewardess (two in family; policeman kept) will, we understand,
shortly appear in _The Morning Post_.
* * *
During the recent gales on the West Coast of Ireland the anemometer
registered the unprecedented velocity of one hundred-and-ten miles per
hour. A number of cases of anemonia are reported from the Phoenix Park
district.
* * *
According to _Men's Wear_, silk hats are to be increased in price by at
least thirty per cent. Is it by this process, we wonder, that they hope to
drive Mr. CHURCHILL out of business?
* * *
A pig and sty constituted first prize at a recent whist drive at Bishop's
Waltham. We understand that a difference of opinion between the winner and
the pig as regards the user of the sty has ended fatally for the latter.
* * *
It is reported that the Victory badge now being worn extensively in New
York is to be replaced by another bearing the inscription, "We did them."
* * *
"I intend to tour England," says a Prohibition lecturer, "and I will not be
hurried." We recommend the railway.
* * *
A Tralee man charged with shooting a neighbour said he had no desire to
break the law. It seems that he mistook the man for a policeman.
* * *
A French physician declares that a gift for yawning is one of the most
valuable health-assets. This should be good news for revue-producers.
* * *
"Honesty," says Dr. INGRAM, "is the best policy after all." All the same
some of our profiteers seem to get along pretty well, thank you.
* * *
The egg-laying competition promoted by _The Daily Mail_ has proved a great
success. It is most gratifying to learn that the hens have done their best
for "the paper that got us the shells."
* * *
"The influenza microbe," announces a medical journal, "has made its
appearance in many parts of the country and is slowly but surely making its
way towards London." With any other Government than ours a simple
suggestion that the sign-posts _en route_ should be reversed would have
been at once adopted.
* * *
During the last four weeks exactly four hundred and ninety-nine rats have
been destroyed in a small town in South Bedfordshire. It is hoped that as
soon as these figures are published a sporting rodent will give itself up
in order to complete the fifth century.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "WHY HAVEN'T YOU GOT ON SPURS?"
"I WAS GOING TO SPEAK ABOUT THAT, SIR. I REGRET I ACCIDENTALLY OMITTED TO
PUT THEM ON THIS MORNING, AND CONSEQUENTLY HAVE CAUGHT COLD. SO I WAS GOING
TO ASK YOU TO BE KIND ENOUGH TO GRANT ME LEAVE UNTIL--"]
* * * * *
"A champagne support was provided in the lower hall."--_Local Paper._
Very sustaining, we feel sure.
* * * * *
"The paper supports the proposed formation of a first army of 'shock
troops,' which would be capable of preventing the mobilisation of a
great Germy army."--_Evening Paper._
Anything to keep the influenza at bay.
* * * * *
"The times for the incubation of the eggs of various birds are as
under:--
Ostrich 41 days.
Gnu 49 days."--_Poultry-Keeping._
"Gnus, indeed!" said the Emu.
* * * * *