MAXWELL.)
HELEN
I won’t go to that nasty Amaranth this summer, Maxwell.
MAXWELL
No, you won’t go to Amaranth.
HELEN
Then will you get an automobile?
MAXWELL
No, I won’t get an automobile.
HELEN
Then what--
MAXWELL
I am going to take that two thousand dollars and buy, with the
assistance of the building and loan association, a small house in a
city called Joplin, in the State of Missouri. It will not be a large
house, but I think that you will not find the time hanging heavy on
your hands. My brother has a wholesale grocery there, and I dare say he
will take me into the business, especially as I have a little money to
invest. And I’ll come home to luncheon every day. Missouri is a fertile
State. My brother has six children.
LIONEL
But, Miss White--Mr. Johnson!
(HELEN _goes down the hall to her room_. MAXWELL _walks up to_ LIONEL.)
MAXWELL
My wife’s name is not Miss White but Mrs. Johnson--Mrs. Maxwell
Johnson, of Joplin, Missouri. Get that? Do you know what keeps me from
dropping you down the elevator shaft?
LIONEL
What--what do you mean?
MAXWELL
It’s the janitor. Yes, Ryan, the fellow down in the basement with
nine children that you and Mrs. What’s-her-name wanted to segregate.
He told me all about you to-night. You’re nothing but a by-product!
The apartment house is the real devil in this pretty little play--the
apartment house is responsible for Feminism and Socialism and Anarchism
and Eugenics and pups like you. You’re just a sort of bad substitute
for the movies--that’s all you are. The apartment house breeds the
whole bunch of you--the apartment house and its artificial, lazy,
good-for-nothing life.
(LIONEL _starts toward the door hurriedly, but stops as if shot when
the telephone bell rings close to his ear. He comes back into the room
and_ MAXWELL _goes to the telephone_.)
MAXWELL
Hello!... What’s that?... Yes, this is Mr. Johnson.... No, I don’t
think so. Hold the wire and I’ll see. (_With his hand over the
transmitter he looks into the room._) Nellie!
HELEN (_coming into the living room with her hair
in a long braid, wearing a blue tea gown_)
Yes, Max?
MAXWELL
What is your name?
HELEN
Why, Helen, of course, stupid.
MAXWELL
Helen what?
HELEN
Helen Johnson.
MAXWELL
Not Miss Helen White?
HELEN
No! No! No!
MAXWELL (_smiling_)
Well, that’s all right, then. There’s a cop down-stairs with a
warrant for the arrest of a Miss Helen White and a Mr. Lionel Morris,
charged with making incendiary speeches in Union Square. They think
that Morris’s taxicab stopped at this building, and the policeman is
going through all the apartments. He’ll be here in a minute. (_In the
receiver._) All right, Sam, it’s all right. Thanks for tipping me off.
(MAXWELL _reënters the room and sits on the pianola bench_. HELEN
_reclines, with some dignity, on the chaise-longue_. LIONEL _crouches
behind the purple statue_.)
MAXWELL (_meditatively_)
Satan finds some mischief still--
HELEN
What are you saying, Max?
MAXWELL
Oh, I was just thinking of the janitor. I had quite a talk with him
after you left.
(_The doorbell rings, and_ MAXWELL _admits a large policeman_.)
POLICEMAN
Excuse me, sir; it’s just a matter of form. I’m looking for a couple of
them Anarchist-Suffrage-I. W. W. bugs. It’s just a matter of form. The
man’s name is Lionel Morris and the woman’s name is Helen White. Are
you Lionel Morris?
MAXWELL
No; my name is Maxwell Johnson. The janitor knows me, and so do a lot
of people in the building.
POLICEMAN
Thank you, sir. It’s just a matter of form. Now, madam--it’s just a
matter of form--are you Helen White?
HELEN
No, I am not Helen White. I am Mrs. Maxwell Johnson.
POLICEMAN
Thank you, madam, thank you; it’s just a matter of form. You see these
parties is incendiaries; they called me a mermaiden. Now, just two more
questions--it’s just a matter of form: Is Miss Helen White here?
HELEN
No, Helen White is not here.
MAXWELL
And I’m glad she isn’t here, officer.
POLICEMAN
You may well be that, sir; you may well be that. Now, is Lionel Morris
here?
(_There is a pause, during which the purple statue shakes slightly._)
MAXWELL
Well, what do you think about it, officer? Take a look around the
place. Want to look in the dumb waiter or down the kitchen sink?
POLICEMAN
Oh, I know he’s not here, Mr. Johnson, and I’m sorry to have troubled
you. Much obliged to you. Good night, sir.
MAXWELL
Have a drink before you go?
POLICEMAN
Well, I hadn’t ought to, but I guess I will, thanks.
(HELEN _pours the whiskey and_ MAXWELL _and the policeman lift their
glasses_.)
POLICEMAN
Well, here’s how, sir.
MAXWELL
Here’s Joplin!
HELEN
Oh, I’ll drink that.
(_She takes a sip from_ MAXWELL’S _glass_.)
POLICEMAN
What’s that, something new?
MAXWELL
No, it’s old as Adam and Eve.
POLICEMAN
Well, it’s a new one on me. Thank you, sir. Good night.
MAXWELL
Good night. (_The policeman goes out. After the door slams shut_,
LIONEL _stands up, but remains behind the purple statue_.) Hadn’t
you better go to some other apartment house? The cop’s gone down the
elevator. He’ll be gone by the time you get downstairs. (LIONEL _goes
out and as he turns he brushes against the purple statue, which topples
on its pedestal. He bangs the door shut after him violently, and the
statue falls to the floor and breaks into several pieces._ MAXWELL
_and_ HELEN _look at it for a moment and then turn to each other and
laugh_.)
HELEN
Oh, look what’s happened to the “Emancipation of Woman”!
CURTAIN
Transcriber’s Notes
Punctuation, hyphenation, and spelling were made consistent when a
predominant preference was found in the original book; otherwise they
were not changed.
Simple typographical errors were corrected; unbalanced quotation
marks were remedied when the change was obvious, and otherwise left
unbalanced.
Illustrations in this eBook have been positioned between paragraphs
and outside quotations. In versions of this eBook that support
hyperlinks, the page references in the List of Illustrations lead to
the corresponding illustrations.