(_With the British Army in France_.)
Frederick entered the Mess with a decided sea-roll, hitched his slacks
and berthed himself on the starboard settee.
"Cheerio, my hearties," said he breezily. "Everybody on the old lugger
still luffing along all serene?"
"Why so oppressively nautical?" inquired Percival. "You haven't been
on the leave-boat lately."
"'Tis true, old messmate. I'm under the influence of my new batman,
one 'Enery 'Enson. After a lifetime in the Marines he's now spending
his declining days in the Army, and he's terribly infectious. I found
myself saying, 'Ay, ay, Sir,' when the C.O. spoke to me."
"I think I've noticed your 'Enery," said Percival. "Isn't he about
ten feet high by six broad, tattooed all over like a circulating art
gallery, and addicted to chewing quids and swabbing out your hut in
his bare feet?"
"My cabin, you mean. And says he's going ashore when he takes a trip
down the village. That's 'Enery."
"Incidentally he's a confirmed bath-lifter," interjected Binnie.
"Yesterday morning my batman prepared me a tub, and while he was
fetching me along your hulking pirate boosted out my sponge and towels
and installed your lily-white self in it. You were so busy wallowing
in my hot water that you never heard my protests on the door. You
really must curb his buccaneering instincts, old Tirps."
"I accept no responsibility for his methods," said Frederick
haughtily; "I merely profit by them. In any case I didn't _take_ your
hot water; I simply used it. You should live near the bath-house and
get up promptly when you are called, as I do."
"Well, I don't mind the British Navy ruling the waves," grumbled
Binnie, "but I object to its extending its sphere of influence over my
bath-water."
"It jolly well doesn't extend over mine," said Percival with pride.
"Frederick's 'Enery doesn't get the better of my Elfred. This morning
a queue, consisting of two perfectly good Loots, a really excellent
Skipper and a priceless Major were waiting for vacant baths. But was
Elfred Fry dismayed? To forestall an answer that might possibly be
wrong I may say that he wasn't. He promptly appropriated a cubicle
that happened to be unoccupied--"
"Really, my frowsty old Camembert, don't ask us to believe that they
had _all_ overlooked it," expostulated Frederick.
"Not for worlds would I endeavour to impose on your gentle trusting
natures. So far from their overlooking it the bath had been the
subject of earnest scrutiny, and they had all regretfully come to
the conclusion that it lacked one important attribute of a bath--it
wouldn't hold water. The plug was missing."
"And by a singular chance the plug happened to be in the possession of
your Elfred?"
"That is my case, me luds," said Percival simply. "If the silent Navy
wants to beat my Elfred it's got to rise very early in the morning."
"We shall see," said Frederick darkly. "I'm going to tell this tale to
the Marines."
That evening the troops had organised a stupendous boxing tournament
in the Recreation Hut. Binnie by invitation combined the offices
of referee, M.C. and timekeeper, and Frederick and Percival at the
ring-side unanimously disagreed with his verdicts.
"Most appalling decision," said Percival in a loud whisper. "The
referee has obviously been got at."
"Sh!" replied Frederick. "He hasn't been told it's a boxing contest.
He thinks it's a clog-dancing competition and is giving the points for
footwork."
Unfortunately the M.C. did not hear. He was speaking himself.
"The next bout should conclude our programme," he said, "but I am
asked to announce that Private Henson challenges Private Fry to box
six two-minute rounds, backing himself for five francs against a small
article of no intrinsic value."
Enthusiastic applause greeted the announcement. A disturbance in the
rear of the hut indicated that Elfred was heading for cover.
"'E 's twice my size," he wailed as strong hands hauled him back.
"The challenger admits that he holds a slight advantage in weight,"
continued the M.C., "but considers that is counterbalanced by his
advanced years."
"This is _your_ fiendish work," hissed Percival to Frederick.
"Not a bit of it, old sportsman," replied Frederick cheerfully. "The
patent rights are held by 'Enery. I merely mentioned to him that
Elfred possessed a desirable bath-plug that it might be useful to
acquire."
Percival left his seat to confer with the shrinking Elfred.
"'E can 'ave the old bath-plug an' welcome, Sir, as far as I'm
concerned," said the latter.
"Tut, tut!" said Percival. "You must make a fight for it. The honour
of the Army is at stake."
"I ain't all that set on the honour of the Army," said Elfred. "But
'im being the challenger, shouldn't I be justified in putting the plug
in one of my gloves?"
"The rules don't provide for such a contingency. Hurry up now and get
stripped, and I'll give you twenty francs if you win."
Both combatants were warmly received. 'Enery's decorative tattooing
was much admired, and Elfred was urgently requested not to spoil
the pictures. By desire of the referee the stakes were handed to
him--Frederick producing the five francs for 'Enery--and the battle
commenced.
It was early evident that the Navy intended shock tactics, while the
Army favoured a system of elastic defence. A salvo of short-arm jabs
by 'Enery was answered by long-range sniping on the part of Elfred,
no direct hits being recorded. Towards the end of the round 'Enery
attempted to approach under cover of a smoke screen, but action was
broken off at the sound of the gong.
The second round opened sensationally. Elfred, on the advice of his
seconds, was "making use of the ring" when he accidentally collided
with his opponent coming in the reverse direction and gave him a
violent thump without return. There seemed every prospect of trouble,
but clever footwork prevented the incident developing into a _fracas_.
Round two concluded with Elfred leading handsomely by one point to
nothing.
"Two to one on Elfred," said Percival excitedly.
"Take you--in bath plugs," answered Frederick, carefully entering the
bet.
'Enery equalised in the third round, Elfred having incautiously
wandered into the track of a stray upper-cut and bounced off. More
footwork followed, Elfred winning by about two yards. Both were
breathing heavily when time was called, and 'Enery was complaining
about his bronchitis.
Skirmishing tactics in the fourth round resulted in Elfred having
a narrow escape from being torpedoed beneath the belt, and during
several subsequent clinches he was requested to stop studying the
pictures and get on with the business.
The fifth and sixth rounds were marked by the departure of most of the
spectators, and in the end a draw was the only possible verdict.
"But what about the plug, old scout?" asked Percival, as they wandered
back to their quarters.
"As referee," answered Binnie, "I gave a draw; as Battalion Boxing
Board of Control I order the match to be re-fought in six months'
time, to give the men a chance to get into condition; and meanwhile as
stakeholder I continue to hold the five francs and the bath-plug."
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Profiteer_ (_to M.F.H._). "LOOK 'ERE!--THIS IS THE
THIRD TIME I'VE BEEN OUT WITH YOUR CROWD, AN' Y' 'AVEN'T CAUGHT A
FOX. BEST THING _YOU_ CAN DO IS TO GIMME BACK ME 'SUB' AN' SELL YER
BLOOMIN' DOGS!"]
* * * * *
[ILLUSTRATION: _BLUSTEROUS PERSON_ (_WHO HAS FORCED A CIGAR ON
UNWILLING CLUB ACQUAINTANCE_), "THERE MY BOY--YOU DON'T OFTEN SMOKE A
THING LIKE THAT! THAT'S SOMETHING LIKE A CIGAR, EH?"
_The Victim_. "YES--SOMETHING. WHAT IS IT?"]
* * * * *