It was a gentleman who travelled in the latest styles in soft goods who
was heard to affirm that Mallingham was not a town: it was a dormitory.
He doubtless spoke from the horizon line of soft goods, having in his
eye certain of those firms who still do business in the concave side of
ancient bay windows, and have not yet been lured on to fortnightly cheap
sales behind a sheet of plate-glass. A commercial traveller takes some
time to recover his selfrespect after importuning a possible client in
the con-cavity of an eighteenth-century window of what was once a dainty
parlour, but is now a dingy shop.
[Illustration: 0139]
But, as a matter of fact, there is a deep and pellucid well of
enterprise in the centre of commercial circles in Mallingham, and it
only wants an occasional stir to irrigate the dead levels of the town.
For instance, there is published by a stationer in the High Street
the _Mallingham Almanac_, an annual work which gives a large amount
of interesting information valuable to many persons in an agricultural
district, such as the list of fair days in all the villages in the
county, the hours of the rising and setting of the sun (of undoubted
interest to farmers), the changes of the moon (also very important to
have noted down to the very second), the equation of time from day to
day (without which we could hardly get on at all), the time of high
water at London Bridge, and the variation of the compass (indispensable
to agriculturists). A graver note is, however, sounded in the pages
devoted to prophecy, after the style of the ever veracious Francis
Moore, where readers, born when Mercury was in the Fourth House, are
warned against eating uncooked horse-chestnuts on a Friday, and the
general public are told that as, in a certain month, Mars and Neptune
are in opposition--perhaps it should be apposition--news will be
published regarding the German Emperor.
Then there are pages given over wholly to poetry, like Ephraim and his
idols.
The spirit of enterprise which flutters--I am afraid that I referred to
it in an earlier paragraph in a way that suggested water which really
does not flutter,--as a moth round a flame, round a good advertising
medium in Mallingham, is shown by the pages of business cards scattered
throughout the sheets of this almanac.
In his Address to his Subscribers which prefaces the last issue, the
publisher, who is also the editor, recognises in a handsome way
the support which he has received from his numerous advertisers
and expresses the earnest hope that they may all, individually and
collectively, find that their business will rapidly increase as a reward
for their enterprise.
On the opposite page may be read the business cards of three
undertakers.
Mallingham is certainly not a dormitory so far as the possibilities of
trade are concerned. It may safely be said that every business house
will undertake undertaking in all its branches and the removal of
furniture. No matter how small may be the apparent connection between
the business professed on the shop sign and the undertaking industry or
the removal industry, you will find on inquiry the utmost willingness
expressed to meet your wishes in either direction.
The qualification of a dealer in antiques to carry out such a contract
is not immediately apparent, but it is certainly more apparent than that
of an auctioneer; at least, if you need to be buried, it is not to an
auctioneer you will go in the first instance. To be sure, if you read
_Othello_ carefully you will find that there is quite an intimate
connection between “removals” and undertaking; but, as a rule, for
business purposes each of the two trades is regarded as distinct from
the other.
But in Mallingham you not only find them amalgamated, but both are run
(decorously) in association with hardware, upholstery, blind-making,
carpetbeating, life and fire assurance (not at all so extraordinary this
last named), crockery, and soft goods. It is rumoured that the largest
business in the “lines” referred to is in the hands of a rag and bone
merchant and a dyer.
It is pleasant to be able to record that no one has yet been known to
accept the suggestion of the pun in regard to the aptitude of the dyer
in such a connection, and it is certain that Shakespeare himself would
not have been able to resist the temptation. But Shakespeare has said
many things that no one in Mallingham would care to invent or even to
repeat.
One of the most notable instances of the professional enterprise of
Mallingham was told to me by its victim. He was a clergyman, and the
curate of one of the parishes. Now there are curates who are as fully
qualified to discharge the duties of their calling as is a Rector,
or even a Rural Dean: some of those whom we find in the country have
“walked the hospitals,” so to speak, having been for years labouring in
the slums of a large town; but some are what might be termed only “first
aid” men, and it was a “first aid” curate who, on taking up his duties
in Mallingham, set about a zealous house-to-house visitation, being
determined to become personally acquainted with every member of his
flock.
He had already made some headway in the course he had mapped out for
himself, and was becoming greatly liked for his sociability before he
had reached the letter R in his visiting list, at the head of which
was the name of Mr. Walter Ritchie, the dentist, a gentleman who, in
addition to enjoying an excellent practice as a destructive rather than
a constructive artist, was a good Churchman. It was between the hours of
twelve and one that the zealous curate found it convenient to call upon
him, and he was promptly shown into the waiting-room, where there was an
elderly lady with a slightly swollen face studying the pages of a very
soiled _Graphic_ of three weeks old. Of her company he was, however,
bereft within the space of a few minutes, and the _Graphic_ was
available for his entertainment for the next quarter of an hour. Then
the maid returned and said that Mr. Ritchie would see him now, and he
followed her across the passage and was shown into the usual operating
room of the second-class practitioner of the country town.
Mr. Ritchie greeted him warmly and so volubly as saved the clergyman
the need for introducing any of the professional inanities which are
supposed to smooth the way to an honourable _rapprochement_ be-ween a
pastor and an unknown member of his pastorate. The parson had not really
a word to say when Mr. Ritchie got upon the topic of teeth, and warned
his visitor that he must be very careful in his use of the Mallingham
water until he should get accustomed to it. It had an injurious effect
upon the natural enamel of the teeth of the lower jaw, he said.
“I will explain to you what I mean, if you will kindly sit here,” he
added, pointing to the iron-framed chair, the shape of which expresses
the most excruciating comfort to a dentist's clientele. The curate,
wishing to be all things to all men, though he had no intention of being
a dentist's “example,” smiled and seated himself. In an instant Mr.
Ritchie had him in his power; bending over him, he gently scraped away
some of the “enamel” from one of his front teeth and, exhibiting a speck
on the end of the steel scraper, explained the chemical changes which
an unguarded use of the chalky water of the town supply would have upon
that substance, though it made no difference to the secretions of the
glands of the upper jaw.
This was very interesting and civil, if somewhat “shoppy,” of Mr.
Ritchie, the clergyman thought, and once more opened his mouth to allow
of the dentist's obtaining a sample of the alkaline deposit to which he
had alluded. But the moment his jaws were apart Mr. Ritchie made a sound
as of a sudden indrawing of his breath.
“Ha, what have we here?” he cried. “Nasty, nasty! but not too far
gone--no, I sincerely hope, not too far gone. One moment.” He had
inserted a little shield-shaped mirror in the curate's mouth and was
pressing it gently against an upper tooth. “Ah yes, as I thought--a
little stuffing will save it. Nerve exposed. You are quite right to come
to me at once. A stitch in time, you know. It will hardly require any
drilling--only at the rough edges.”
The clergyman was not the man to protest against Mr. Ritchie's
civilities. He admitted that the tooth had given him some trouble the
previous year, but he had not thought it worth consulting a dentist
about.
“That's the mistake that people make,” said Mr. Ritchie mournfully.
“They usually associate a visit to their dentist with some
atrocity--some moments of agony--that was the result of the old
tradition, dating back to John Leech's days. Of course, in those dark
ages dentists did not exist, whereas now---- I think I would do well to
do a little crown work between the tooth I am stopping and the next: the
gap between the two is certain to work mischief before many months are
over, and the back of the nearest molar has become so worn through the
pressure of that overgrown one below it that, if not checked in time, it
will break off with you some fine day. I'm glad that you came to me
to-day. I will make a new man of you.”
He had the little ingenious emery drill working away before the
clergyman remembered that he had not come to pay a professional visit
to the dentist--that is to say, he had meant that his visit should be
a professional one so far as his own profession went, but not that it
should be a professional one so far as the profession of the other man
went. But it seemed to him that the dentist was fast approaching the
moment when he, the dentist, would not be amenable to the _convenances_
of the parochial visit, but would become completely absorbed in the
_nuances_ of dental science which every revolution of the emery drill
seemed to be revealing. He could say nothing. He was in an unaccustomed
posture for speech. He was lying in the steely embrace of that highly
nickelised chair, with his face looking up to the ceiling--exactly the
reverse of the attitude in which he felt so fluent every Sunday evening.
With his head bending over the top of his pulpit, he felt that he was
equal to explaining everything in heaven above or the earth beneath; but
sprawling back, with his eyes on the ceiling, and a thing whizzing like
a cockchafer in his mouth, he was incapable of protest, even when he
had recovered himself sufficiently to feel that a protest might be
judicious, if not actually effective.
He submitted.
For the next four weeks he was, off and on, in the hands of Mr. Ritchie.
It seemed as he went on that he had not a really sound tooth in his
head, though he told me, almost tearfully, that previously he had always
prided himself on his excellent teeth.
“I think Mr. Ritchie went too far in the end,” he added, recapitulating
the main incidents of his indictment of the dentist. “I dare say a
couple of my molars were showing signs of wear and tear, and so were all
the better for being filled in properly; and it is quite likely that
the gulf between the other two was the better for being bridged
over--possibly a flake or two needed to be ground away from one of the
grinders at the back--but I am sure that the time occupied in correcting
some of the other irregularities which he perceived, but which had never
caused me a moment's inconvenience, might have been better spent. I
often thought so; but I said nothing until he calmly advised me to have
six of my upper jaw painlessly extracted, apparently for no other reason
than to show me how the new system of injecting cocaine, or something,
worked, and that he could do what he called 'crown work' with the best
dentists at Brindlington--then I thought it time to speak out, and I did
speak out.”
“And what did you say to him?” I inquired, for I longed to be put in
touch with the phraseology of a “first aid” parson when speaking out.
“I didn't spare him: I told him just what I thought of him.”
“And what did that amount to? Nothing grossly offensive, I hope.”
“I wasn't careful of my words; I did not weigh them. If they sounded
offensive to him I cannot help it.”
“What did you say to him, as nearly as you can recollect? I'm rather a
connoisseur of language and I may be able to relieve your mind, if you
have any uneasiness on the subject of the man's feelings when you had
done with him. What did you say to him?”
“I told him plainly that I thought he had gone too far; and now, looking
at the whole transaction from a purely impersonal standpoint, I am not
disposed to withdraw a single word of what I said. He did go too far--I
honestly believe it. You will understand that it is not easy for one to
take up an attitude of complete detachment in considering a matter such
as this in all its bearings; but I think that I have disciplined myself
sufficiently to be able to consider it in an unprejudiced spirit, and
really I do believe that he went too far.”
“If he did, you certainly did not,” said I. “Has he sent you in his
bill?”
“It is not his bill that matters--it only comes to £5, 11s. 6d. What
I objected to was his implication that I had not a sound tooth in my
head--I that have been accustomed during the past five years to crack
nuts--not mere filberts, mind, but the sort that come from Brazil--at
all the school feasts without the need for crackers! Just think of it!
Oh yes, he certainly went too far.”
I agreed with him; I had no idea that there was so much enterprise in
all Mallingham.
The general idea that prevails in regard to Mallingham is that it has
remained stagnant--except for its aspirations after plate-glass--during
the past four or five hundred years of its existence. A dog of some sort
lies asleep at midday under almost every shop window, and cats of all
sorts may be seen crossing the High Street at almost any hour. That is
how it comes that the town seems so charming to visitors, and to those
of its inhabitants who are not engaged in business.
This being so, I was disposed to laugh at the sly humour of a man and
his wife--they were Russian nobles who motored across from Brindlington
to lunch with us at Thurswell--who said they had enjoyed the drive
exceedingly, until they had come to Mallingham. “A horrid, rowdy place,
like the East End of London on Saturday night,” were the exact words
those visitors employed, and I had actually begun to laugh at their
ironical humour when I saw that they were meant to be in earnest. For
some time I was in a state of perplexity; but then the truth suddenly
flashed upon me: it was the day of the Mallingham Races--one of the
three days of the year when the dogs are not allowed to sleep in the
streets and when the cats remain indoors, when the High Street is for
a full hour after the arrival of the train crowded with all that it
disgorges, and when there is a stream of vehicles carrying to the
picturesque racecourse on the Downs the usual supporters of the turf,
with redfaced bookmakers and their “pitches,” as objectionable a crew as
may be encountered in the streets of any country town at any season.
It was clear that my friends had reached the High Street of Mallingham
a few minutes after the arrival of the train, and not being aware of the
exceptional circumstances which had galvanised the place into life for
a brief twenty minutes, they had assumed that this was the normal aspect
of the town! I did my best to remove from Mallingham the reproach of
being the great centre of bustling life that it had seemed to these
strangers; but I could see that I did not altogether succeed in
convincing them that, except for four days out of the year, nothing
happens in Mallingham--three days of races and one night of loyal
revelry--for even the holding of the Assizes three times a year does not
cause the town to awake from its immemorial repose. The trumpets sound
as the judge drives up to the County Hall with a mounted escort, and the
shopkeepers come to their doors and glance down the street; the sleeping
dogs jump up and begin to bark in a half-hearted way, but settle
themselves comfortably down again before the last note of the fanfare
has passed away, and, except for an occasional glimpse of a man in a wig
crossing the street to the hotel, the Assize week passes much the same
as any other week of the uneventful year. Three hundred years have
passed since anything happened in Mallingham, and then it was nothing
worth talking about. One must go back seven hundred years to find the
town the centre of an historical incident of importance.
But the rumour is that Messrs. Williamson & Rubble, drapers and
outfitters, are about to have a new plate-glass front made for both
their shops, with convex corners and roll-up shutters; so Mallingham
marches onward from century to century--slowly.