17. Never put bones or bits of fruit on the table cloth. Put them on the
side of your plate.
18. Do not hesitate to take the last piece on the dish, simply because it
is the last. To do so is to directly express the fear that you would
exhaust the supply.
19. If you would be what you would like to be--abroad, take care that you
_are_ what you would like to be--at home.
20. Avoid picking your teeth at the table if possible; but if you must, do
it, if you can, where you are not observed.
21. If an accident of any kind soever should occur during dinner, the cause
being who or what it may, you should not seem to note it.
22. Should you be so unfortunate as to overturn or to break anything, you
should make no apology. You might let your regret appear in your face, but
it would not be proper to put it in words.
* * * * *
{65}
Social Duties.
Man in Society is like a flower,
Blown in its native bed. 'Tis there alone
His faculties expanded in full bloom
Shine out, there only reach their proper use.--COWPER.
The primal duties shine aloft like stars;
The charities that soothe, and heal, and bless,
Are scatter'd at the feet of man like flowers.--WORDSWORTH.
* * * * *
{66}
[Illustration: GIVING A PARLOR RECITATION.]
1. MEMBERSHIP IN SOCIETY.--Many fail to get hold of the idea that they are
members of society. They seem to suppose that the social machinery of the
world is self-operating. They cast their first ballot with an emotion of
pride, perhaps, but are sure to pay their first tax with a groan. They see
political organizations in active existence; the parish, and the church,
and other important bodies that embrace in some form of society all men,
are successfully operated; and yet these young men have no part or lot in
the matter. They do not think of giving a day's time to society.
2. BEGIN EARLY.--One of the first things a young man should do is to see
that he is acting his part in society. The earlier this is begun the
better. I think that the opponents of secret societies in colleges have
failed to estimate the benefit which it must be to every member to be
obliged to contribute to the support of his particular organization, and to
assume personal care and responsibility as a member. If these societies
have a tendency to teach the lessons of which I speak, they are a blessed
thing.
3. DO YOUR PART.--Do your part, and be a man among men. Assume your portion
of social responsibility, and see that you discharge it well. If you do not
do this, then you are mean, and society has the right to despise you just
as much as it chooses to do so. You are, to use a word more emphatic than
agreeable, a sneak, and have not a claim upon your neighbors for a single
polite word.
4. A WHINING COMPLAINER.--Society, as it is called, is far more apt to pay
its dues to the individual than the individual to society. Have you, young
man, who are at home whining over the fact that you cannot get into
society, done anything to give you a claim to social recognition? Are you
able to make any return for social recognition and social privileges? Do
you know anything? What kind of coin do you propose to pay in the discharge
of the obligation which comes upon you with social recognition? In other
words, as a return for what you wish to have society do for you, what can
you do for society? This is a very important question--more important to
you than to society. The question is, whether you will be a member of
society by right, or by courtesy. If you have so mean a spirit as to be
content to be a beneficiary of society--to receive favors and to confer
none--you have no business in the society to which you aspire. You are an
exacting, conceited fellow.
5. WHAT ARE YOU GOOD FOR?--Are you a good beau, and are you willing to make
yourself useful in waiting on the {67} ladies on all occasions? Have you a
good set of teeth, which you are willing to show whenever the wit of the
company gets off a good thing? Are you a true, straightforward, manly
fellow, with whose healthful and uncorrupted nature it is good for society
to come in contact? In short, do you possess anything of any social value?
If you do, and are willing to impart it, society will yield itself to your
touch. If you have nothing, then society, as such, owes you nothing.
Christian philanthropy may put its arm around you, as a lonely young man,
about to spoil for want of something, but it is very sad and humiliating
for a young man to be brought to that. There are people who devote
themselves to nursing young men, and doing them good. If they invite you to
tea, go by all means, and try your hand. If, in the course of the evening,
you can prove to them that your society is desirable, you have won a point.
Don't be patronized.
6. THE MORBID CONDITION.--Young men, you are apt to get into a morbid state
of mind, which declines them to social intercourse. They become devoted to
business with such exclusiveness, that all social intercourse is irksome.
They go out to tea as if they were going to jail, and drag themselves to a
party as to an execution. This disposition is thoroughly morbid, and to be
overcome by going where you are invited, always, and with a sacrifice of
feeling.
7. THE COMMON BLUNDER.--Don't shrink from contact with anything but bad
morals. Men who affect your unhealthy minds with antipathy, will prove
themselves very frequently to be your best friends and most delightful
companions. Because a man seems uncongenial to you, who are squeamish and
foolish, you have no right to shun him. We become charitable by knowing
men. We learn to love those whom we have despised by rubbing against them.
Do you not remember some instance of meeting a man or woman whom you had
never previously known or cared to know--an individual, perhaps, against
whom you have entertained the strongest prejudices--but to whom you became
bound by a lifelong friendship through the influence of a three days'
intercourse? Yet, if you had not thus met, you would have carried through
life the idea that it would be impossible for you to give your fellowship
to such an individual.
8. THE FOOLISHNESS OF MAN.--God has introduced into human character
infinite variety, and for you to say that you do not love and will not
associate with a man because he is unlike you, is not only foolish but
wrong. You are to remember that in the precise manner and decree in which
{68} a man differs from you, do you differ from him; and that from his
standpoint you are naturally as repulsive to him, as he, from your
standpoint, is to you. So, leave all this talk of congeniality to silly
girls and transcendental dreamers.
[Illustration: GATHERING ORANGES IN THE SUNNY SOUTH.]
9. DO BUSINESS IN YOUR WAY AND BE HONEST.--Do your business in your own
way, and concede to every man the privilege which you claim for yourself.
The more you mix with men, the less you will be disposed to quarrel, and
the more charitable and liberal will you become. The fact that you do not
understand a man, is quite as likely to be your fault as his. There are a
good many chances in favor of the conclusion that, if you fail to like an
individual whose acquaintance you make it is through your own ignorance and
illiberality. So I say, meet every man honestly; seek to know him; and you
will find that in those points in which he differs from you rests his power
to instruct you, enlarge you, and do you good. Keep your heart open for
everybody, and be sure that you shall have your reward. You shall find a
jewel under the most uncouth exterior; and associated with homeliest
manners and oddest ways and ugliest faces, you will find rare virtues,
fragrant little humanities, and inspiring heroisms.
10. WITHOUT SOCIETY, WITHOUT INFLUENCE.--Again: you can have no influence
unless you are social. An unsocial man is as devoid of influence as an
ice-peak is of verdure. It is through social contact and absolute social
value alone that you can accomplish any great social good. It is through
the invisible lines which you are able to attach to the minds with which
you are brought into association alone that you can tow society, with its
deeply freighted interests, to the great haven of your hope.
11. THE REVENGE OF SOCIETY.--The revenge which society takes upon the man
who isolates himself, is as terrible as it is inevitable. The pride which
sits alone will have the privilege of sitting alone in its sublime disgust
till it drops into the grave. The world sweeps by the man, carelessly,
remorselessly, contemptuously. He has no hold upon society, because he is
no part of it.
12. THE CONCLUSION OF THE WHOLE MATTER.--You cannot move men until you are
one of them. They will not follow you until they have heard your voice,
shaken your hand, and fully learned your principles and your sympathies. It
makes no difference how much you know, or how much you are capable of
doing. You may pile accomplishment upon acquisition mountain high; but if
you fail to be a social man, demonstrating to society that your lot is with
the rest, a {69} little child with a song in its mouth, and a kiss for all
and a pair of innocent hands to lay upon the knees, shall lead more hearts
and change the direction of more lives than you.
* * * * *
{70}
Politeness.
1. BEAUTIFUL BEHAVIOR.--Politeness has been described as the art of
showing, by external signs, the internal regard we have for others. But one
may be perfectly polite to another without necessarily paying a special
regard for him. Good manners are neither more nor less than beautiful
behavior. It has been well said that "a beautiful form is better than a
beautiful face, and a beautiful behavior is better than a beautiful form;
it gives a higher pleasure than statues or pictures--it is the finest of
the fine arts."
2. TRUE POLITENESS.--The truest politeness comes of sincerity. It must be
the outcome of the heart, or it will make no lasting impression; for no
amount of polish can dispense with truthfulness. The natural character must
be allowed to appear, freed of its angularities and asperities. Though
politeness, in its best form, should resemble water--"best when clearest,
most simple, and without taste"--yet genius in a man will always cover many
defects of manner, and much will be excused to the strong and the original.
Without genuineness and individuality, human life would lose much of its
interest and variety, as well as its manliness and robustness of character.
3. PERSONALITY OF OTHERS.--True politeness especially exhibits itself in
regard for the personality of others. A man will respect the individuality
of another if he wishes to be respected himself. He will have due regard
for his views and opinions, even though they differ from his own. The
well-mannered man pays a compliment to another, and sometimes even secures
his respect by patiently listening to him. He is simply tolerant and
forbearant, and refrains from judging harshly; and harsh judgments of
others will almost invariably provoke harsh judgments of ourselves.
4. THE IMPOLITE.--The impolite, impulsive man will, however, sometimes
rather lose his friend than his joke. He may surely be pronounced a very
foolish person who secures another's hatred at the price of a moment's
gratification. It was a saying of Burnel, the engineer--himself one of the
kindest-natured of men--that "spite and ill-nature are among the most
expensive luxuries in life." Dr. Johnson once said: "Sir, a man has no more
right to say a rude thing to another than to knock him down."
5. FEELINGS OF OTHERS.--Want of respect for the feelings of others usually
originates in selfishness, and issues in {71} hardness and repulsiveness of
manner. It may not proceed from malignity so much, as from want of
sympathy, and want of delicacy--a want of that perception of, and attention
to, those little and apparently trifling things, by which pleasure is given
or pain occasioned to others. Indeed, it may be said that in self-sacrifice
in the ordinary intercourse of life, mainly consists the difference between
being well and ill bred. Without some degree of self-restraint in society a
man may be found almost insufferable. No one has pleasure in holding
intercourse with such a person, and he is a constant source of annoyance to
those about him.
6. DISREGARD OF OTHERS.--Men may show their disregard to others in various
impolite ways, as, for instance, by neglect of propriety in dress, by the
absence of cleanliness, or by indulging in repulsive habits. The slovenly,
dirty person, by rendering himself physically disagreeable, sets the tastes
and feelings of others at defiance, and is rude and uncivil, only under
another form.
7. THE BEST SCHOOL OF POLITENESS.--The first and best school of politeness,
as of character, is always the home, where woman is the teacher. The
manners of society at large are but the reflex of the manners of our
collective homes, neither better nor worse. Yet, with all the disadvantages
of ungenial homes, men may practice self-culture of manner as of intellect,
and learn by good examples to cultivate a graceful and agreeable behavior
towards others. Most men are like so many gems in the rough, which need
polishing by contact with other and better natures, to bring out their full
beauty and lustre. Some have but one side polished, sufficient only to show
the delicate graining of the interior; but to bring out the full qualities
of the gem, needs the discipline of experience, and contact with the best
examples of character in the intercourse of daily life.
8. CAPTIOUSNESS OF MANNER.--While captiousness of manner, and the habit of
disputing and contradicting every thing said, is chilling and repulsive,
the opposite habit of assenting to, and sympathizing with, every statement
made, or emotion expressed, is almost equally disagreeable. It is unmanly,
and is felt to be dishonest. "It may seem difficult," says Richard Sharp,
"to steer always between bluntness and plain dealing, between merited
praises and lavishing indiscriminate flattery; but it is very easy--good
humor, kindheartedness, and perfect simplicity, being all that are
requisite to do what is right in the right way." At the same time many are
impolite, not because they mean to be so, but because they are awkward, and
perhaps know no better. {72}
9. SHY PEOPLE.--Again many persons are thought to be stiff, reserved, and
proud, when they are only shy. Shyness is characteristic of most people of
the Teutonic race. From all that can be learned of Shakespeare, it is to be
inferred that he was an exceedingly shy man. The manner in which his plays
were sent into the world--for it is not known that he edited or authorized
the publication of a single one of them,--and the dates at which they
respectively appeared, are mere matters of conjecture.
10. SELF-FORGETFULNESS.--True politeness is best evinced by
self-forgetfulness, or self-denial in the interest of others. Mr. Garfield,
our martyred president, was a gentleman of royal type. His friend, Col.
Rockwell, says of him: "In the midst of his suffering he never forgets
others. For instance, to-day he said to me, 'Rockwell, there is a poor
soldier's widow who came to me before this thing occurred, and I promised
her, she should be provided for. I want you to see that the matter is
attended to at once.' He is the most docile patient I ever saw."
11. ITS BRIGHT SIDE.--We have thus far spoken of shyness as a defect. But
there is another way of looking at it; for even shyness has its bright
side, and contains an element of good. Shy men and shy races are ungraceful
and undemonstrative, because, as regards society at large, they are
comparatively unsociable. They do not possess those elegancies of manner
acquired by free intercourse, which distinguish the social races, because
their tendency is to shun society rather than to seek it. They are shy in
the presence of strangers, and shy even in their own families. They hide
their affections under a robe of reserve, and when they do give way to
their feelings, it is only in some very hidden inner chamber. And yet, the
feelings are there, and not the less healthy and genuine, though they are
not made the subject of exhibition to others.
12. WORTHY OF CULTIVATION.--While, therefore, grace of manner, politeness
of behavior, elegance of demeanor, and all the arts that contribute to make
life pleasant and beautiful, are worthy of cultivation, it must not be at
the expense of the more solid and enduring qualities of honesty, sincerity,
and truthfulness. The fountain of beauty must be in the heart more than in
the eye, and if it does not tend to produce beautiful life and noble
practice, it will prove of comparatively little avail. Politeness of manner
is not worth much, unless it is accompanied by polite actions.
[Illustration]
{73}
Influence of Good Character.
"Unless above himself he can
Erect himself, how poor a thing is man!"--DANIEL.
"Character is moral order seen through the medium of an individual
nature--Men of character are the conscience of the society to which
they belong."--EMERSON.
The purest treasure mortal times afford,
Is--spotless reputation; that away,
Men are but gilded loam, or painted clay.
A jewel in a ten-times-barr'd-up chest
Is--a bold Spirit in a loyal breast.--SHAKSPEARE.
1. REPUTATION.--The two most precious things this side the grave are our
reputation and our life. But it is to be lamented that the most
contemptible whisper may deprive us of the one, and the weakest weapon of
the other. A wise man, therefore, will be more anxious to deserve a fair
name than to possess it, and this will teach him so to live, as not to be
afraid to die.
2. CHARACTER.--Character is one of the greatest motive powers in the world.
In its noblest embodiments, it exemplifies human nature in its highest
forms, for it exhibits man at his best.
3. THE HEART THAT RULES IN LIFE.--Although genius always commands
admiration, character most secures respect. The former is more the product
of brain power, the latter of heart power; and in the long run it is the
heart that rules in life. Men of genius stand to society in the relation of
its intellect as men of character of its conscience: and while the former
are admired, the latter are followed.
4. THE HIGHEST IDEAL OF LIFE AND CHARACTER.--Commonplace though it may
appear, this doing of one's duty embodies the highest ideal of life and
character. There may be nothing heroic about it; but the common lot of men
is not heroic. And though the abiding sense of duty upholds man in his
highest attitudes, it also equally sustains him in the transaction of the
ordinary affairs of every-day existence. Man's life is "centered in the
sphere of common duties." The most influential of all the virtues are those
which are the most in request for daily use. They wear the best, and last
the longest.
5. WEALTH.--Wealth in the hands of men of weak purpose, or deficient
self-control, or of ill regulated passions, is {74} only a temptation and a
snare--the source, it may be, of infinite mischief to themselves, and often
to others.
On the contrary, a condition of comparative poverty is compatible with
character in its highest form. A man may possess only his industry, his
frugality, his integrity, and yet stand high in the rank of true manhood.
The advice which Burns' father gave him was the best:
"He bade me act a manly part, though I had ne'er a farthing,
For without an honest, manly heart no man was worth regarding."
6. CHARACTER IS PROPERTY.--It is the noblest of possessions. It is an
estate in the general good-will and respect of men; they who invest in
it--though they may not become rich in this world's goods--will find their
reward in esteem and reputation fairly and honorably won. And it is right
that in life good qualities should tell--that industry, virtue, and
goodness should rank the highest--and that the really best men should be
foremost.
7. SIMPLE HONESTY OF PURPOSE.--This in a man goes a long way in life, if
founded on a just estimate of himself and a steady obedience to the rule he
knows and feels to be right. It holds a man straight, gives him strength
and sustenance, and forms a mainspring of vigorous action. No man is bound
to be rich or great--no, nor to be wise--but every man is bound to be
honest and virtuous.
[Illustration]
{76}
Family Government.
[Illustration: HEAVENLY MUSIC.]
1. GENTLENESS MUST CHARACTERIZE EVERY ACT OF AUTHORITY.--The storm of
excitement that may make the child start, bears no relation to actual
obedience. The inner firmness, that sees and feels a moral conviction and
expects obedience, is only disguised and defeated by bluster. The more calm
and direct it is, the greater certainty it has of dominion.
2. FOR THE GOVERNMENT OF SMALL CHILDREN.--For the government of small
children speak only in the authority of love, yet authority, loving and to
be obeyed. The most important lesson to impart is obedience to authority as
authority. The question of salvation with most children will be settled as
soon as they learn to obey parental authority. It establishes a habit and
order of mind that is ready to accept divine authority. This precludes
skepticism and disobedience, and induces that childlike trust and spirit
set forth as a necessary state of salvation. Children that are never made
to obey are left to drift into the sea of passion where the pressure for
surrender only tends to drive them at greater speed from the haven of
safety.
3. HABITS OF SELF-DENIAL.--Form in the child habits of self-denial.
Pampering never matures good character.
4. EMPHASIZE INTEGRITY.--Keep the moral tissues tough in integrity; then it
will hold a hook of obligations when once set in a sure place. There is
nothing more vital. Shape all your experiments to preserve the integrity.
Do not so reward it that it becomes mercenary. Turning State's evidence is
a dangerous experiment in morals. Prevent deceit from succeeding.
5. GUARD MODESTY.--To be brazen is to imperil some of the best elements of
character. Modesty may be strengthened into a becoming confidence, but
brazen facedness can seldom be toned down into decency. It requires the
miracle of grace.
6. PROTECT PURITY.--Teach your children to loathe impurity. Study the
character of their playmates. Watch their books. Keep them from corruption
at all cost. The groups of youth in the school and in society, and in
business places, seed with improprieties of word and thought. Never relax
your vigilance along this exposed border.
[Illustration: BOTH PUZZLED.]
7. THREATEN THE LEAST POSSIBLE.--In family government threaten the least
possible. Some parents rattle off their commands with penalties so
profusely that there is a steady {78} roar of hostilities about the child's
head. These threats are forgotten by the parent and unheeded by the child.
All government is at an end.
8. DO NOT ENFORCE TOO MANY COMMANDS.--Leave a few things within the range
of the child's knowledge that are not forbidden. Keep your word good, but
do not have too much of it out to be redeemed.
9. PUNISH AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE.--Sometimes punishment is necessary, but
the less it is resorted to the better.
10. NEVER PUNISH IN A PASSION.--Wrath only becomes cruelty. There is no
moral power in it. When you seem to be angry you can do no good.
11. BRUTISH VIOLENCE ONLY MULTIPLIES OFFENDERS.--Striking and beating the
body seldom reaches the soul. Fear and hatred beget rebellion.
12. PUNISH PRIVATELY.--Avoid punishments that break down self-respect.
Striking the body produces shame and indignation. It is enough for the
other children to know that discipline is being administered.
13. NEVER STOP SHORT OF SUCCESS.--When the child is not conquered the
punishment has been worse than wasted. Reach the point where neither wrath
nor sullenness remain. By firm persistency and persuasion require an open
look of recognition and peace. It is only evil to stir up the devil unless
he is cast out. Ordinarily one complete victory will last a child for a
lifetime. But if the child relapses, repeat the dose with proper
accompaniments.
14. DO NOT REQUIRE CHILDREN TO COMPLAIN OF THEMSELVES FOR PARDON.--It
begets either sycophants or liars. It is the part of the government to
detect offences. It reverses the order of matters to shirk this duty.
15. GRADE AUTHORITY UP TO LIBERTY.--The growing child must have experiments
of freedom. Lead him gently into the family. Counsel with him. Let him plan
as he can. By and by he has the confidence of courage without the danger of
exposures.
16. RESPECT.--Parents must respect each other. Undermining either
undermines both. Always govern in the spirit of love.
[Illustration]
{79}