ACT II

(_Enter_ BELLAIR _and_ LUCY)

_Bell._ What Coach was that stopt at the Door?

_Lucy._ My Lady Lovewealth's, Sir. I told her Miss Harriet was gone

home, and that my Master was gone out in a Chair to some of his

Lawyers, for I could not let her see Sir Isaac.

_Bell._ You were right, Lucy. Where is Shark?

_Lucy._ In my Room, Sir, dressing for the Widow.

(SKINFLINT _within_)

_Skin._ Lucy, why Lucy, ugh, ugh, where are you, Wench?

_Bell._ I'll leave you with my Uncle, Lucy, while I step up and hasten

Shark. (_Exit_ [_Bellair_])

(_Enter_ SKINFLINT)

_Skin._ Here, Lucy, tye up me Affairs; they are loose and falling

about my Heels.

_Lucy._ They are always loose, I think.

_Skin._ Lucy, did not I send for Monsieur du Maigre, the Apothecary?

_Lucy._ Yes Sir, and he will be here presently. (_Knocking_) Hark,

this is he I suppose.

_Skin._ Go see; if it is, send him up. (_Exit Lucy_) What an

insupportable Vexation Riches are; all my Relations are watching and

hovering about me like so many Crows about a dead Carrion; even

Bellair, who behaves the best of them all, has a Hawk's Eye, I see,

after my Will and advises me in a sly indirect manner to the making of

it. A Parent is used by an Heir just as a Virgin is by a Rake; before

we have parted with our Treasure, we are adored, we are Gods and

Goddesses, but as soon as that is over, we become as troublesome to

them as an evil Conscience. I'll keep my money to save my poor Soul,

for to be sure I have got a great deal of it in an unfair manner;

therefore in order to make my Peace hereafter, I'll leave it to build

an Almshouse.

(_Enter_ LUCY)

_Lucy._ Sir, there's a Lady in deep Mourning below, who says she is

your Niece.

_Skin._ If she is such a Canary Bird as her Brother that was here

today, she may go to the Devil; however shew her up. (_Exit Lucy_)

She may be the reverse of him; we ought not to condemn a whole Family

for one bad Person.

(_Enter_ LUCY, _showing in_ SHARK _who is

dressed in Weeds_)

_Lucy._ Madam, this is your Uncle.

_Shar._ Sir, I have not the Honour to be known to you, but the Report

of your Death has brought me to Town, to testify the Duty and

Affection of an unworthy Niece for the best of Uncles.

_Skin._ A good well bred kind of a Woman. (_Aside to Lucy_) Ay, this

is something like a Relation.

_Lucy._ I shall hear you sing another tune presently. (_Aside_)

_Skin._ Pray Niece, give me leave to salute you. You are welcome to

London. (_Kisses him_) My Eyes are but bad--yet I think I can discover

a strong Resemblance of my Sister in you. (_Peering in his Face_)

_Shar._ Yes Sir, I was reckoned very like my Mama before I was

married, but frequent Child bearing you know, Sir, will alter a Woman

strangely for the worse.

_Skin._ It will so, Niece; you are a Widow I perceive.

_Shar._ Yes Sir, an unfortunate Widow (_Weeps_). I never had a dry Eye

since my Husband died.

_Skin._ Pray Niece, what did your Husband die of?

_Shar._ He broke his Neck a Fox Hunting.

_Skin._ Good lack, good lack! That was dreadful.

_Shar._ Ay Sir, and tho' I was but one and twenty when he died, he

left me both a Widow and a Mother; so early a Grief you may be sure

must have robbed me of my Bloom and has broke me mightily.

_Skin._ As you were a Widow, Niece, at one and twenty, I don't suppose

your Husband left you many Children.

_Shar._ Fifteen, Sir.

_Skin._ Fifteen, Niece! (_Starting_)

_Shar._ Ay, fifteen, Sir; I was married at fourteen.

_Skin._ That was very young, Niece.

_Shar._ It was so, Sir; but young Girls can't keep now adays, so I ran

away with him from the Boarding School. I had two Children by him

every ten months for six Years, and I had three by him the seventh.

_Skin._ Upon my word you are a very good Breeder.

_Shar._ Yes Sir, I was always accounted so; besides, Sir, I have had

two by him since his Death.

_Skin._ How, Madam, since his Death.

_Shar._ Yes Sir, and I am afraid I shall have some more, for a Word in

your Ear, Sir--I find I am coming again, Sir.[3]

_Skin._ O Fye, Niece, O fye, fye--why Lucy, this Woman is as bad as

her Brother.

_Lucy._ Indeed Sir, I am afraid so. (_Aside_)

_Skin._ But I'll try her a little further. Pray Niece, who has been

your Companion _and Bedfellow_ for these two years past? For I presume

you have not lain alone.

_Shar._ O Lord, Sir, not for the World! You must know, Uncle, I am

greatly addicted to be afraid of Spirits, Ghosts, Witches, and

Fairies, and so to prevent terrifying Dreams and Apparitions, _I took

a Religious Gentleman, a very good Man to bed with me--an Itinerant

Methodist, one Doctor Preach Field_.

_Skin._ Doctor Preach Field. I have heard of him.

_Shar._ O he's a very good man, Uncle, I assure you, _and very full of

the Spirit_.

_Skin._ Lucy, have not I got a hopeful parcel of Relations? (_Aside_)

_Lucy._ Indeed Sir, I think this Lady is not extremely modest.

(_Aside_)

_Skin._ Why she ought to be whipped at the Cart's Tail (_Aside_); pray

Niece, have not you a Brother in Town?

_Shar._ Yes Sir; he and I beat the Watch last night at Tom Kings.

_Skin._ O Monstrous! beat the Watch, Madam!

_Shar._ Yes Sir, and broke all the Lamps in the Parish.

_Skin._ Very pretty Employment for a Lady truly, and so, Madam, you

came to Town merely to shew your Duty and Affection to me.

_Shar._ Yes Sir, and in hopes to be your Heir; we had a Report in the

Country that you was Defunct; and I was in hopes to have found it

true.

_Skin._ I am obliged to you, Madam.

_Shar._ There is another thing we have very current in the Country. I

do not know how true it is.

_Skin._ What is it, I pray?

_Shar._ I have been told, Uncle, and from very good Hands, that you

are little better than a Thief.

_Skin._ Madam!

_Shar._ And that you got all your Fortune by biting and sharping,

extortion and cheating.

_Skin._ Harkee Madam, get out of my House this Minute, or I will order

somebody to throw you out of the Window.

_Shar._ I have heard too that for several years past, you have been an

old Fornicator, and that you have led a most wicked Life with this

Girl.

_Lucy._ With me, Madam?

_Shar._ Yes, you naughty Creature, and _that your Fornication would

have had carnal symptoms, but that he took most unnatural methods to

prevent your Pregnancy_.

_Skin._ Get out of my Doors this Minute.

_Shar._ Sir, you are an uncivil Gentleman to bid me get out, but I

find you are as great a Rogue as the most malicious Report can make

you.

_Skin._ Get out of my House, I say!

_Shar._ Well, I'll go, Sir, but depend upon it you shall not live many

Days after this. I'll be the Death of you, if there are no more Uncles

in the World.

_Lucy._ Slip up the back stairs to my Room and I'll come and undress

you. (_Aside to him as she thrusts him off_) Get you out, you wicked

Woman, get you out. (_Exit Shark_)

_Skin._ Was ever Man so hope up with such a parcel of Relations! Make

them my Heirs! I would as soon leave my Money to a Privateer's Crew;

and I verily believe they would be as thankful and make as good a use

of it.--I have been so worried and teazed by them all, that I am not

able to support any longer--I must go in and lye down. Support me,

Lucy, or I shall fall; I am quite faint. Oh, oh! (_Exeunt_)

(_Enter_ BELLAIR)

_Bell._ So! Thus far all goes well. Shark has been as successful

in his Widow as his Fox. We have routed the Family of the Bumpers.

There is nothing now to apprehend from that Quarter. But the main

Difficulty is yet behind, which is to induce him to make his Will, for

without that my Lady Lovewealth's Avarice never will consent to make

my dearest Harriet mine.

(_Enter_ LUCY)

_Lucy._ O Sir, we are all undone!

_Bell._ Why what's the matter?

_Lucy._ Your Uncle, Sir, is dead.

_Bell._ Dead!

_Lucy._ Ay, dead, Sir! Shark with his Tricks and Rogueries has so

teazed him that having with much ado got into his Chamber, down he

fell upon the Bed, and there he lies without either Motion, Voice,

Sense, Pulse or Understanding.

_Bell._ The very means I took to succeed have infallibly ruined me.

(_Enter_ SHARK)

_Shar._ Is he gone? Is the coast clear?

_Bell._ So Villain, your Schemes and Plots have a fine Conclusion,

Rascal.

_Shar._ A fine Conclusion, Rascal! I don't know what conclusion they

have, but I am sure it can't be worse than this Reward; pray Sir, what

has happened?

_Bell._ Why you have killed my Uncle, Villain, and ruined me forever.

_Shar._ What! Is the old Fellow dead?

_Bell._ Yes, Rascal, and without a Will.

_Shar._ This is now an Instance of the Judgment and Gratitude of

Mankind; if I had succeeded, I should have been a second Machiavel,

and my dear Shark, I shall be ever obliged to you--but now I am a

Rascal and a Son of a Whore, a Blockhead and deserve my Bones broke.

_Bell._ Well Sir, no upbraiding now, but tell what is to be done.

_Shar._ What's to be done? What should be done, Sir. Break open his

Coffers, his Cabinet, his Strong Box, seize upon his Mortgage Deeds,

and Writings, but above all take a particular Care of the Bank Bills,

and the ready Cash. I have a great Veneration for them; they will tell

no tales to your Fellow Heirs, and as the old Man has bit you, why do

you plunder them. Do you take Possession and I'll engage I procure a

Lawyer who shall prove it to be something more than eleven points of

the Law.

_Bell._ But then my Harriet, Shark! Without her the Wealth of Mexico

is useless and insipid.

_Shar._ Upon my Soul, Sir, begging your Pardon, you make as ridiculous

a Figure in this Business as a disappointed Lover in a Play; why Sir,

our Farce is now in the very Height of the Plot, and it is impossible

you can have your Mistress 'till it be ended.

_Bell._ Nor then either I am afraid.

_Shar._ Lord, Sir, you are too hasty. You are like the ignorant part

of an Audience the first night of a new Play; you will have things

brought about before their time. Go and take Possession of the Assets,

I tell you, and leave the rest to the Devil and the Law. Get them on

our side, and I'll engage you prosper in any Roguery.

_Bell._ Well, I'll go--but I see no glimmering of hope from it.

(_Exit Bellair_)

_Shar._ Lucy, do you shut up all the Windows and lock up the door.

_Lucy._ That's impossible, for Mr. Littlewit and Doctor Leatherhead

are below with the Marriage Articles.

_Shar._ O the Devil! Then we are all ruined again. Hold--ha--ay--I

have a thought. Lucy, do the Lawyers know of the old Man's Death?

_Lucy._ Not a word. They are but this minute come in.

_Shar._ Then keep it an entire Secret--I'll clinch the whole Affair

this Instant.--Get me the old Man's Gown--and Cap--his Slippers, his

Pillow, his Flannels and all his Trumpery.

_Lucy._ Here they all are upon the Table where he shifted.

_Shar._ Give 'em me, quick, quick--ask no questions--so--now my

Cap--my gouty Slippers, my Flannels for my hands, here, here, pin them

on, pin them on, quick--quick, so! And now my great Chair--and now I

am damnable ill--O sick, sick,--Auh--Auh--Auh! Go and tell my Master

how I am transmogrified, do you hear, and bid him not be surprized let

what will happen, but first send up the Lawyers. (_Exit Lucy_) Lawyers

have often made false Wills for their own Interests, and I see no

reason now why they mayn't make one for mine. I am sure I have as good

a Title to be a Rogue as any of them all, for my Father was an Irish

Solicitor, my Mother a Yorkshire Gipsy, I was begotten in Wales, born

in Scotland, and brought up at that famous University of St. Giles

pound, and now he who has a better Right to be a Rogue than me, let

him put in his Claim. Tho' I believe nobody will dispute it with me,

it is all my own today; when I come to Westminster Hall I'll resign.

(_Enter_ BELLAIR, LUCY, _Doctor_ LEATHERHEAD, _and Mr._

LITTLEWIT, [_with_] _Pens, Ink, Papers, Candles, etc.,

etc._)

_Shar._ So Gentlemen, when I sent for you in the Morning, I was

foolish enough to think of Marriage, but Heaven pardon me, I must now

think of Death, of my poor precious Soul. I must desire you to get my

Will ready as soon as possible, for I fear my poor fleeting Life is

not worth half an Hour's purchase.

_Doct._ The sooner it is done, the better; it may procure you Ease and

Consolation of mind.

_Shar._ Dear Doctor Leatherhead, hold your Tongue; the less you talk,

the more it will be to the purpose, I am sure. Nephew, draw near.

Lucy, take those Candles out of my Eyes, and shut that Door.

_Lucy._ Sir, my Lady Lovewealth has sent her Daughter to wait on you,

and my Lady will be here herself immediately.

_Shar._ Very well, let my wife that was to be come up--and let her

know how Affairs are, Lucy. (_Aside to Lucy_) (_Exit Lucy_)

_Little._ (_At the Table writing_) Um, um, Sir Isaac Skinflint of the

Parish of um--sound sense--um weak in Body--uncertainty of human

Life--um--last Will and Testament--Now Sir, we are ready; I have

finished the Preamble.

_Doct._ But Sir Isaac, should not this Will be made in Private? We

always choose to have as few Witnesses by as possible.

_Shar._ I believe you, Doctor Leatherhead, that they may produce the

more Law Suits. Ay, ay, Doctor, I know the tricks of the Law; the more

Grist, the more Toll for the Miller--but you shall not fill your Bags

out of my Sack, you Harpies, you Cormorants, you Devourers! O you

Bloodsuckers! Auh, auh!

_Doct._ I find Sir Isaac still the same Man.

_Little._ No matter, Doctor; as it is the last Business we shall do

for him, he shall pay swingingly.

_Shar._ I will make my Will simple and plain, and before many

Witnesses.

(_Enter_ HARRIET)

So Harriet, you are come to see the last of the old Man--well I

forgive you your Raillery today--come kiss me, Hussy, or I'll

disinherit you. (_Kisses her_) You had better kiss me as a dying

Uncle, Hussy, than a living Husband, for I shall give you to my

Nephew--and now Gentlemen of the Black Robe, who protect our

properties for us, the first thing you are to do is to fill up the

blank in the Marriage Articles with my Nephew's name instead of mine,

for he I fancy, he will be much properer to manage the young Lady's

Concerns than me. It is over with me; what think you, Harriet? Don't

you think he'll do it better than me, ha? Ah the young Jade, how she

smiles. She knows what I mean, but Gentlemen, before I make my Will, I

have one thing to observe, which is that I am a very whimsical old

Rogue! You all know that, I believe.

_Doct._ Why you are a little whimsical, Sir Isaac, sometimes, I know.

_Shar._ And therefore I desire a Bond may immediately be prepared for

me to give my Nephew, which will put it out of my power to revoke the

Will I shall now make in these Presents; for I am so odd a Fellow,

that it is a hundred to one, I shall want to go from it tomorrow.

_Doct._ I am afraid, Sir Isaac, such a Bond will not be good in Law.

_Little._ O yes, Doctor, very good. Doctor, you will hurt the Practice

with your Scruples; what is it to us whether it be a good Bond or not;

it is a new Case, and will be a Bone of Contention to us. The Gown

will get by it, let who will lose. (_Aside to the Doctor_)

_Doct._ I believe, Sir Isaac, upon second Thoughts it will be a good

Bond.

_Shar._ Then draw it up, and now Gentlemen, as to my Will--Inprimis,

let all my Debts be discharged.

_Doct._ That I believe, Sir Isaac, will be soon done; for I don't

suppose you owe any.

_Shar._ Yes I owe for the nursing of a Bastard Child at Wandsor.

_Doct._ Is it possible you ever had a Bastard?

_Shar._ Several, Doctor, but they were all dropt upon different

Parishes, except that One. Then there are some few dribbling Debts at

Alehouses and Taverns where I used to meet my Wenches--in all about

twenty Pounds.

_Doct._ I find, Mr. Littlewit, the old Gentleman has been a Cock of

the Game in his time, Good Blood.

_Little._ Really, Doctor Leatherhead, I think so.

_Shar._ Item, I do constitute my Nephew Bellair whole and sole

Executor of this my last Will and Testament.

_Bell._ O my dear Uncle, shall I lose you. (_Cries_)

_Shar._ Good natured Boy, how he weeps, disinheriting and cutting off

all other Persons whatsoever--saving those hereafter mentioned.

_Lucy._ O my dear generous Master. (_Cries_)

_Shar._ Poor Girl, she weeps too; I suppose for the same Reason, to

put me in Mind of her; never fear, Lucy. I'll not forget you; you have

been a good Girl and managed my Concerns with great Skill and Decency.

_Doct._ Proceed, Sir.

_Shar._ Unto Harriet Lovewealth my Niece that shall be, I do

give--(_Lucy, you know where they are_) a set of Diamond Bracelets

which were mortgaged to me and forfeited by the Welch Lady that used

to game so much.

_Lucy._ I have them in this Casket, Sir.

_Shar._ Give them to me--there--I give them Harriet, but first kiss

me, Hussy--I will have a Kiss for them. (_Kisses her and gives her the

bracelets_)

_Bell._ Impudent Rascal!

_Shar._ Item, to Lucy who for many years has served me faithfully--and

who used to flatter me in all my little Foibles.

_Lucy._ Sure never was so generous and grateful a Master. (_Cries_)

_Shar._ To her I bequeath, when she marries, one thousand pounds,

provided it be with that honest Lad Shark, not a Farthing else.

_Bell._ How Sir, a thousand Pounds; it is too much.

_Shar._ Not at all, Nephew.

_Bell._ Here's a Dog. (_Aside_) Consider, Sir, she's a low bred poor

Person.

_Shar._ Poor is she? Why then, Mr. Littlewit, if the Girl is poor, put

her down another Hundred, but with a Proviso still that she marries

Shark.

_Bell._ I presume, Sir, you have done now.

_Shar._ Done! The Gods of Gratitude and Generosity forbid; no I must

remember poor Shark. I must not forget him--Item, to that honest

Fellow Shark, auh, auh!

_Bell._ O the Rascal; he'll give half the Estate to himself and Lucy.

_Shar._ To Shark, I say, for his faithful Services.

_Bell._ Why, Sir, he's the most idle, drunken----

_Shar._ Hold your Tongue, Nephew, you are deceived in the young

Man--you don't know him so well as I. I have known him many Years; he

is a sober honest Fellow, and has a great Regard for you, and for that

Reason, I leave him two hundred pounds per Annum.

_Bell._ Two hundred pounds, Sir----

_Shar._ Pray be silent, Nephew; I know his Virtues and good Qualities;

therefore, Mr. Littlewit, I think you may as well make it two hundred

and fifty.

_Bell._ Sir! Per Annum! Sir!

_Shar._ Ay, per Annum, for ten Annums if I please, Sir. Why sure I can

do what I will with my own.

_Bell._ I beg your Pardon, Sir, it is a great deal too much, I think.

_Shar._ I think not, and I believe at this Juncture my Thoughts are

more to the purpose than yours.

_Bell._ But consider, Sir, what can he do with so much money; such a

low poor Fellow that has no Friends.

_Shar._ No Friends?

_Bell._ No Sir, a low Friendless Fellow.

_Shar._ Nay if he is poor--set him down another hundred, Mr.

Littlewit. He shall not want a Friend while I am alive; for he is an

honest Lad, and loves a Bottle and a Wench as well as myself.

_Bell._ Was there ever such a tricking exorbitant Rascal? (_Aside_)

Sir, I beg you'll alter that Article that relates to Shark.

_Shar._ Sir, I beg you'll hold your Tongue. Say another word and I'll

give him a thousand pounds per Annum.

_Bell._ Sir, I humbly beg Pardon. (_Bowing very low_)

_Shar._ Well, beg Pardon and be satisfied. I think you have

reason--here I shall have you Master of six or seven thousand pounds

per Annum, as you call it, and almost a Plumb and a half in ready

Cole, and you are not satisfied; say one Word more and I'll tear my

Will, or leave every Shilling to the Inhabitants of Bedlam or to the

Man that finds out the Longitude.

_Bell._ I have done, Sir.

_Shar._ Pray then have done, Sir, and don't fret me.

_Bell._ An impudent Rogue, but I must not contend with him now.

(_Aside_)

_Shar._ Lord, it is as much trouble to give away an Estate as to get

it.

_Doct._ Mr. Bellair, you should not interrupt the Testator; at such a

time his Mind should not be disturbed.

_Shar._ You are in the right, Doctor Leatherhead. Let me see, have I

no Friend that I care to oblige with two or three thousand--I am in

such a generous Temper that I don't care to leave off yet. I have a

great Mind to give Shark a handful over, but----

_Bell._ Sir!

_Shar._ No, I believe I have done.

_Doct._ Will you please to sign then?

_Shar._ That I would with all my Heart, but that the Gout and Palsy

prevent me.

_Doct._ Then we must observe, Mr. Littlewit, that the said Testator

does declare his inability to write.

_Shar._ Is the Bond to my Nephew ready?

_Little._ Yes Sir.

_Shar._ But is it strong, and so well drawn that the old Nick himself

should he turn Pettyfogger could not reverse it?

_Doct._ It is, Sir.

_Shar._ Very well.

_Doct._ There if you please to make your mark by touching the Pen.

(_Shark touches the Pen_) So, and put the Watch over his Hand, and let

him take off the Seal--so, very well, Sir, you publish and declare

this to be your last Will and Testament, and desire Doctor Leatherhead

and Mr. Littlewit to be Witnesses thereunto?

_Shar._ I do.

(_All the ceremony of signing and sealing and delivering is

performed_)

_Doct._ Very well, Sir Isaac, I will take care they shall be properly

registered.

_Shar._ I beg, good Folks, that you will slip into the next Room for a

few Moments while I compose myself after this intolerable Fatigue;

Nephew, pray shew them in, and do the Honours of my House in the

genteelest Manner.

_Bell._ I shall, Sir.--Doctor Leatherhead, Mr. Littlewit--will you

walk in, Gentlemen?

_Doct._ Sir, your Servant, Sir.

_Little._ Your's; we wish you better.

_Shar._ Your Servant, your Servant, Gentlemen. Auh, auh--quick, quick.

(_Coughs_) (_Exeunt all but Lucy and Shark_) Lucy, off with my

Roguery, and let me appear in my native honesty. I have had Gibbets

and Halters in my Mind a hundred Times, passing and repassing, since I

began this Business. I am horridly afraid that the Devil and Sir

Isaac, for I suppose they are met by this time, will contrive some

means to counterplot us. Tho' I think I shall be a Match for them, if

we can keep the Law on our side, let me but secure that and I defy the

Devil and all his Works. There, there they are, the precious Robes of

Deceit. (_Throws down the old Man's Gown and Cap_) I think there has

been transacted as ingenious a Scene of Iniquity in that Gown, within

the short space of half an Hour, as in any Gown that has been trapesed

in Westminster Hall since the ingenious Mr. Wreathcock was

transported--Now my dear Lucy, after all this Fatigue and Bustle

(_Throws down the old Man's dress_) I think it would not be amiss for

you and I to relieve _and solace ourselves in the lawful State of

Procreation_.

_Lucy._ Time enough, Fool. Consider Matrimony is a long Journey.

_Shar._ True, Lucy; therefore the sooner we set out the better; for

Love, my Dear, like Time must be taken by the Forelock.

_Lucy._ Come, come, this is no time for prating and fooling. Do you

join the Company to avoid Suspicion, and tomorrow Morning put me in

Mind of it. If I am in Humour, I may perhaps walk towards Doctors

Commons and venture at a great Leap in the Dark with you, for so I

think marriage may be justly called.

_Shar._ Why ay, this is speaking like one that has a mind to Deal.

_Here's my hand; it shall stand on my side._

_Lucy._ And here's my hand. If I can help it, it shall not fail on

mine.

_Shar._ Touch--Buss--I like the Sample and _am resolved to purchase

the whole Commodity_. (_Exit Shark_)

(_Monsieur_ DU MAIGRE _within_)

_Maigre._ Mistress Lucy! Mistress Lucy! why you no come when your

Maitre Janie be so very much bad--where be you?

_Lucy._ Who have we here? Our Apothecary, Monsieur du Maigre! Pray

Heaven the old Man is not come to Life again.

(_Enter Monsieur_ DU MAIGRE)

_Maigre._ O Mistress Lucy for shame! Pardie, why you no come to your

Maitre! He be dead this one half quartre de Hour, and you no come; by

Gar, he wanta his Gown and his Cap.

_Lucy._ What, is he alive?

_Maigre._ Yes; he was dead, but I bring him to Life; I bleed a him,

and so he comes from the dead Man to de Life. But come, allons, vite,

vite, he want a de Gown. (_Takes up the Gown and Cap_)

_Lucy._ So we have been making a Will to a fine Purpose.

_Maigre._ Allons, vite, vite, Mistress Lucy, he be very bad

indeed--and he want a you ver much, allons. (_Exeunt_)

(_Enter_ BELLAIR _and_ SHARK)

_Shar._ Well, Sir, now who is the Fool? the Blockhead? Did not I tell

you we should succeed?

_Bell._ Yes but, Scoundrel, how did you dare to make such a Will?

_Shar._ In what respect, Sir?

_Bell._ In what, Rascal! To Lucy and yourself, how dare you leave so

much money between you?

_Shar._ For the best reason in the World, Sir, because I knew nobody

dared to contradict me. And had I thought you would have been angry at

it--I assure you, Sir--I should have left as much more. Why Sir, if

you will consider the Affair impartially, you will find I had a right

to be Co-heir with you.

_Bell._ How so, Sir?

_Shar._ By the Laws of Roguery, Sir--in which it is a fundamental

Maxim that in Cheats of this Kind, all people are upon a par, and have

a right to an equal Snack.

_Bell._ Impudent Rascal!

_Shar._ But if you think, Sir, that I have behaved in this Affair

selfishly or unbecoming a Rogue of Honour, I will send in for Doctor

Leatherhead and Mr. Littlewit, for they are still in the next Room,

and cancel the Will directly.

_Bell._ No, Rascal, you know my Love to Harriet will not let me

consent to that.

_Shar._ This is just the way of the great World--the poor Rogues are

Men of parts and do all the Business--and the rich ones not only

arrogate the Merit to themselves, but are for running away with all

the Plunder.

(_Enter_ LUCY)

_Lucy._ O Sir!

_Bell._ What's the matter?

_Lucy._ Oh! Oh! Oh! I can't speak--but your Uncle's alive--that's all.

(_Sets down a great Chair_)

_Shar._ And that's enough to hang one, I'm sure.

_Bell._ Alive!

_Lucy._ Ay, alive, Sir.

_Shar._ This comes of your begrudging me my Snack of the Spoil, Sir.

_Bell._ Why I thought you saw him senseless and dead.

_Lucy._ I thought so too; but it seems while we were about the Will,

Monsieur du Maigre, the Apothecary, came in and bled him in an

Instant, which has unfortunately recovered him. He is within with him

now, and one Councellour Cormorant who is come upon some Law Business

to him--O here they all come.

_Bell._ What a malicious turn of Fortune this is.

_Shar._ Why Sir, if you will not be ungrateful, now I believe I can

secure a Retreat and such a one as the greatest General in Europe in

our Situation would not be ashamed of.

_Bell._ Dear Shark, I will do anything thou wilt.

_Shar._ Ay, now it is dear Shark, but know, Sir, you have to deal with

an Englishman, and a Man of Honour who scorns to put an Enemy to Death

when he begs for Quarter--tho' you have been an ungenerous Ally as

ever vowed Fidelity to the Crown of England--but no matter, I'll serve

you still and completely.

_Bell._ But how, dear Shark?

_Shar._ I won't tell you--and I defy you to guess now--or anybody else

that's more--I must step into the next Room for a Moment and whisper

the Lawyers, and in the meantime, do you persist in your Uncle's

having made a Will; that's all.--Don't you be like an ignorant Thief

before a noisy Magistrate, confess and hang yourself. And you, Madam,

do you embronze your Countenance, and keep up your Character to the

last. (_Exit_)

(_Enter_ SKINFLINT _supported by Councellour_ CORMORANT

_and Monsieur_ DU MAIGRE, LUCY _settling his great Chair_)

_Skin._ Auh! auh! gently, gently. Let me down gently, pray. Oh, oh,

oh. (_Sits down_) O Nephew, how could you let me lie for dead so long

and never come near me?

_Bell._ Really, Sir, I never heard a word that you were in any Danger

of Dying.

_Skin._ And Lucy, how could you be so cruel to neglect me so long?

_Lucy._ Me! Lord, Sir, I never knew anything of it 'till Monsieur du

Maigre informed me.

_Maigre._ No, Pardie, she not have any knowledge 'till dat me make her

de Intelligence.

_Lucy._ I thought you were in a sound Sleep, Sir, and was extremely

glad of it.

_Bell._ And so was I, I do assure you, Sir.

_Skin._ I am obliged to you Nephew, but I had like to have slept my

last.

_Maigre._ It is very true indeed upon my word. But dat Monsieur la

avocat--here--Monsieur la what is your name, si'l vous plait--I always

forget.

_Coun._ Cormorant, Sir.

_Maigre._ Mais oui Monsieur la Cormorant--but dat he and I come in

together, just after one another; I believe I come in one, two Minute

before you, Monsieur la Cormorant--I say but dat me come in the Nick

upon a my word, Sir Isaac, you be defunct.--And then I lose my Annuity

upon your Life, and by Gar, dat be very bad for Monsieur du Maigre.

_Skin._ I am obliged to you, Monsieur--are the Lawyers come, Lucy? Mr.

Littlewit and Doctor Leatherhead?

_Lucy._ Yes Sir, they have been here a considerable time.

_Skin._ Desire them to walk in.

_Lucy._ So now the Murder's coming out. (_Exit Lucy_)

_Skin._ Nephew, I am at last resolved to make my Will; I shall make a

proper provision for you in it. But as our Soul is the immortal part

of us,[4] I must take Care of that the first thing I do. Therefore I

am resolved to appropriate so much of my Fortune as will be sufficient

for that purpose to the building of an Almshouse.

(_Enter Doctor_ LEATHERHEAD, _Mr._ LITTLEWIT, _Lady_

LOVEWEALTH, [HARRIET,] SHARK _and_ LUCY)

_Skin._ So Gentlemen! I have altered my Mind, Mr. Littlewit, since I

saw you last.

_Little._ Concerning what, Sir?

_Skin._ My Will, Sir.

_Little._ It is now too late, Sir; you have put it out of your Power.

_Skin._ Out of my Power?

_Doct._ Ay, and out of the Power of Westminster Hall! Sir Isaac, you

know I gave you my Opinion upon it before you made it.

_Skin._ What, is the man mad?

_Doct._ No, Sir, I am not mad; and I would advise you not to be

foolish and whimsical as you owned about half an hour since you were

subject to.

_Skin._ Why the men are drunk or mad, I think.

_Maigre._ Pardie, somebody be drunk or mad among you, for by gar, me

no understand your Vards.

_Skin._ Why Gentlemen, I sent for you to make my Will.

_Doct._ You did so, Sir, and you have made it. And it is registered.

And there is the Copy. Ask your Nephew, and these Ladies, and your

maid Lucy, and the Footman here.

_Shar._ No pray, Sir, don't bring me into it; I was not here.

_Doct._ You are right, Friend, I believe you were not here, but ask

all the rest.

_Skin._ Nephew, do you know anything of all this?

_Bell._ Upon my word, Sir, what the Doctor says is true.

_Skin._ How! True, Lucy?

_Lucy._ Indeed, Sir, you did make a Will before you had your fit, but

you have forgot it, I suppose.

_Skin._ Why this is all a Contrivance, a Conspiracy, a--pray when did

I make this Will?

_Doct._ Why, Sir, it is not ten minutes since you signed it, and all

these are Witnesses. (_Pointing on their own side of the room_)

_Shar._ No pray, Sir, leave me out. I will be sworn in any Court in

Westminster, Sir Isaac, that I know nothing of the matter.

_Maigre._ By Gar, this Doctor Leatherhead be one ver great

Fripon.--Harkee, Sir, you say he make de Signature to the Will in

these ten a Minute.

_Doct._ Yes Sir.

_Maigre._ By Gar, dat cannot be, fo[r] Monsieur Cormorant and myself

be vid him above thirteen, and he make no Will in that time, Jarnie

bleu.

_Coun._ It is very true, Gentlemen, that we can attest.

_Skin._ Pray Doctor, let me see this Will; read it if you please.

_Doct._ Sir Isaac Skinflint being seated in his great Chair--um

underwritten--Sound Senses tho' infirm in Body.

_Skin._ No matter for the Preamble.

_Doct._ Um, um, um, committed to writing his underwritten Will, in

Manner and Form following; Imprimis, I will that all my Debts be paid.

_Skin._ Debts! I do not owe one Shilling in the World.

_Doct._ You forget, Sir Isaac, you owe for the Nursing of a Bastard

Child at Wandsor, and several little dribbling Debts where you used to

meet your Wenches.

_Skin._ How a Bastard; why I never had a Bastard in my Life--but

once--and that was forty years ago with a great red Hair Wench, a Maid

that my Father had--but it was when I was a Lad and I did not know

what I was about.

_Doct._ Item, I do constitute my Nephew Bellair whole and sole

Executor, disinheriting and cutting off all other Persons.

_Skin._ This is a scene of Villainy.

_Doct._ Saving those hereafter mentioned-unto Harriet Lovewealth my

Niece that shall be, I do bequeath the set of Diamond

Bracelets--Mortgaged by the----

_Skin._ This is all a Robbery.

_Coun._ Let 'em go on, Sir Isaac, you have your Remedy.

_Skin._ This is all a Robbery.

_Doct._ To my Maid Lucy, one thousand pounds.

_Skin._ O monstrous; I never intended to give her a Farthing.

_Doct._ Item, to that honest Fellow Slipstring Shark.

_Shar._ That is me, Sir Isaac, and I humbly thank your Honour.

_Doct._ I bequeath him three hundred pounds per Annum during his

natural Life, to be paid out of that part of my Estate he shall think

proper.

_Shar._ O blessings on your generous Heart. It was always fond of

rewarding Merit.

_Skin._ Read no more--I'll have every one of you indicted for

Forgery--and Conspiracy and--first take Notice, Councellour Cormorant

and Monsieur du Maigre, that I deny that Will to be any Act of

mine--and that I cancel it to all Intents and Purposes.

_Doct._ That you can't do, Sir--for by way of Marriage Articles

between Bellair and Harriet Lovewealth you have signed a Deed

conformable to this Will.

_Skin._ Why this is such a piece of Villainy as the Records of

Westminster Hall cannot match.

_Coun._ Do not be uneasy Sir Isaac, you have one, and one certain way

of oversetting all their Villainy; and that is by confessing that you

made this Will, and proving that you were out of your Senses when you

did it, which may easily be done by proper Witnesses. (_Aside_)

_Skin._ I'll confess that or anything--to get my money again, and to

hang them all--Doctor Leatherhead, I begin now to remember something

of the making of this Will,--but I can prove I was lightheaded and out

of my Senses when I did it.

_Doct._ Sir Isaac, it is no Affair of mine.--It is your Nephew's

Concern; if he is willing to let such Chicane pass upon him, he may;

but if he has a Mind to insist upon the Will, I'll undertake to prove

you were in your Senses as perfectly as ever you were in your Life.

_Skin._ And will you insist, Nephew?

_Bell._ It is not in my Power to be off it, Sir, for in consequence

that you were sincere when you made this Will, my Lady Lovewealth here

has given me her Daughter, and her own Chaplain has just now put the

finishing hand to the Business in the next Room, before all these

Witnesses.

_Skin._ So you won't resign?

_Bell._ I can't, Sir.

_Skin._ Come along, Mr. Cormorant, I'll hamper them all--I'll prove

myself out of my Senses before I sleep. (_Exit Skinflint and

Cormorant_)

_Maigre._ By gar, dis be all ver great, much Surprize upon me, van,

pardie, pardie make the Man make a de Vill veder he will or no, and de

Man say he will prove dat he be Lunatic and lightheaded--by gar, me

never hear de like in France, pardie, etc. etc. (_Exit_)

_Shar._ Well I believe this Affair is over for tonight; and upon my

Word, I am heartily glad of it, for I have been in very sweating

Circumstances ever since it began, but especially since Sir Isaac came

to Life. I was afraid that single incident would have damned our whole

Intrigue; but thanks to the Gentlemen of the Gown, I now begin to

have some hopes we shall succeed. I have done my Master's Business

completely, and as Executors go, I do not think that I have been too

partial to myself--I believe there are several honest Gentlemen who

walk the 'Change and go to Church constantly [who] would have thought

they acted very generously if they had given Bellair even an equal

Dividend--but I beg Pardon--you are to judge, not I, and unless you

approve the Deed, I shall denounce my Share of the Legacy.

_For should our Will in Westminster be tried

The Right, I fear, would fall on t'other side.

Here you are absolute; confirm my Cause.

If you approve--a Figg for Courts and Laws!_

FINIS

THE NEW PLAY CRITICIZED:

OR

THE PLAGUE OF ENVY[5]

PROLOGUE[6]

Of all good Printing it is hardest sure

To form a perfect Piece in Miniature.

The Genius and the Pencil when confined

Cramp both the Painter's Hand and Poet's Mind.

Let then the Author claim a kinder Fate

Whose Compass little,--yet his Subject great.

Thus for our Petit Piece we crave your Favour,

And if she bear one Sketch of Nature, save her--

_Let not your Wrath against the Author rise,

If he to Flight presumes to criticize.

Our humble Wren attempts to mount and sing,

Beneath the Shelter of his Eagle's Wing._

Envy's a general Vice from which we see

No Country, Sex, no Time or Station free;

Not e'en the Stage; for entre nous I fear

Our Emulation is meer Envy here.

Whatever the Pursuits our Thoughts engage,

Envy's the ruling Passion of the Stage.

Yet here our Friends the Poets much surpass us;

Envy's a Weed that almost choaks Parnassus.

And what amazes most is often found

Mixt in the Harvest of the richest Ground.

While Poets railed and ruined in each Page,

We took it all for pure poetick Rage.

While ev'ry little Slip was made the Handle,

And Satire's specious Name concealed the Scandal,

We thought that Virtue did this Warmth impart,

Nor saw low Envy lurking in the Heart.

Our Indignation into Grief was turned,

E'en those, who felt the Smart, admired and mourned.

The scribbling unsuccessful envious Fool

Is the fit Subject for our Ridicule.

Those Sons of Dulness here in Crowds resort,

Tho' Dunces on the Record of this Court.

As they were wounded, so they wish to wound,

And strive to deal their own Damnation round.

To blast young Merit all their Powers they bring,

And set their little Souls upon the thing.

Yet still the wretched Fool comes off a Loser,

Dulness, like Conscience, is its own Accuser.

And Tyrant Envy can at once impart

Sneers to the Face and Vultures to the Heart.

Then from this Subject which tonight we chuse,

At least confess it is an honest Muse.

A Foe to ev'ry Party, ev'ry Faction;

For lo, she draws her Pen against Detraction.

P.S. You may send it to the Barbers.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

CANKER

LADY CRITICK

HEARTLY

HARRIET

SIR PATRICK BASHFULL

MRS. CHATTER

NIBBLE

TRIFLE

PLAGIARY

GRUBWIT

BUMPKIN

FOOTMAN

_Scene in Lady_ CRITICK's _House_

The Time an hour after the New Play on the first Night

THE NEW PLAY CRITICIZED:

OR

THE PLAGUE OF ENVY

(_Enter_ CANKER _and_ FOOTMAN)

_Cank._ Is not my Man come in yet?

_Foot._ No, Sir.

_Cank._ Pray will you oblige me by letting one of your Servants step

to Covent Garden Playhouse to look for him.

_Foot._ I'll go myself, Sir; for I shan't be wanted 'till my Lady

comes from the Play. (_Exit_)

_Cank._ Let me see (_pulling out his Watch_) 'tis now half an hour

after Seven. By this time the Fate of the Suspicious Husband is

determined; applauded to the Skies; or damned beyond Redemption; its

Author crowned with Laurel, or covered with Shame. Sure they can't

approve it! And yet the Stings I felt at the reading [of] it give me

presaging Pangs of its Success. (_Sighs deeply_) It has its Beauties I

must confess. Why should I thus grieve at a young Author's approaching

Fame? His Throes and Pangs lest it should fail have been far short of

mine lest it should succeed; nor would the Author's Joy for its kind

Reception equal my secret Rapture at its irretrievable Disgrace. What

is this that like a slow but infallible Poison corrodes my Vitals and

destroys my Peace of Mind? Emulation? (_Shakes his head and sighs_) I

am afraid the World will call it Envy. All Mankind has some, but

Authors most; and we can better brook a Rival in our Love than in our

Fame. What can detain this Rascal? I am upon the Rack to know how it

goes on--let me see, in what Manner would I have it treated? In the

first Act I would have them applaud it violently,--in the second and

third be coldly attentive,--in the fourth begin to groan, horse laugh

and whistle,--and in the fifth just before the Catastrophe, one and

all cry aloud, off, off, off! The Epilogue! The Epilogue! O that would

be delightful! Exquisite!

(_Enter_ FOOTMAN)

So Sir! You Blockhead, how came you to stay so long? But first tell me

how the Play was received; whereabouts did they begin to hiss?

_Foot._ Hiss! he, he, he, Lard, Zir, why they did not hiss at all.

_Cank._ You lye, you Rascal! (_Gives him a box_)

_Foot._ Zir!

_Cank._ I say they did hiss.

_Foot._ Hiss quotha!--I am zure you have made my Ear hiss--and zing

too, I think; why pray Zir, what did'st give me such a Wherrit var?

_Cank._ How shamefully I expose my weakness to my Servant. I would

know the truth, but I cannot bear to hear it. (_Aside_) Come, Sir,

tell me (_Sits down in a great Chair_) how was it received? But first

what made you stay so long? Did I not order you to hearken at the Pit

Door and bring me Word at the end of every Act how it went on?

_Foot._ Yes Zir; you did zo, Zir; but the Vauk zhut the Door, and then

I could zee nothing at all o' the Matter.--Zo I begged them to open

the door as I might zee through it; but they were zo ztout that they

would do no zuch thing, they zaid. Zo then I went up to the Lobby--and

there I met with an auld Vellow Zervant out of Zomersetshire. Zo he

and I went up to the Footman's Gallery that I might give my Vardie of

the matter to your Honour when I came Home.

_Cank._ And why did you not come away at the End of the first Act?

_Foot._ Why faith to tell your Honour the truth it made me laugh zo I

could not vind in my Heart to leave it.

_Cank._ Rascal, how dare you tell me it made you laugh? (_Strikes

him_)

_Foot._ No indeed, Zir, it was a mistake of mine; I mean it made me

cry zo I could not leave it.

_Cank._ Leave your blundering, you blockhead, and tell me how it was

received; did they hiss it?

_Foot._ Yes Zir, yes Zir, there was as much hizzing as when your

Tragedy was acted.

_Cank._ Rascal, how dare you mention that, hissed. (_Strikes him_)

_Foot._ Why what the Devil would you have a Man zay. You be'ent

pleased when I tell you it was clapt, nor you be'ent pleased when I

tell you it was hissed. (_Cries_) But whether you are pleased or no, I

tell you it was clapt very much and was ten times comicaller than your

Tragedy, and made the People laugh more.

(_Runs off for fear of being beat_)

_Cank._ How this ignorant Rascal has teized me by his Account! I can't

tell whether it was damned or saved; he said it was clapt--but he said

afterwards it was hissed--it may be so for _it is impossible mere

Incidents_, which are the chief Merit of this Piece, should make it

succeed! Were I sure of that, would I had gone myself! O what a secret

Rapture should I have had in the hypocritical Exertion of my seeming

good Nature in the Author's behalf. When I was sure it would not serve

him, I would have stabbed and wounded his Fame by my pity for his ill

Success, 'till I had made both him and his Play as contemptible as

Vanity and Dullness, but the Fear of being martyred by its Applause

was insupportable. I could never have survived it.

(_Enter Mr._ HEARTLY)

_Heart._ Mr. Canker, your most humble Servant.

_Cank._ Mr. Heartly, yours.

_Heart._ Are the Ladies come home from the Play?

_Cank._ Not yet, Sir; weren't you there, Mr. Heartly?

_Heart._ No, Sir, I had some Business of Consequence which prevented

me. _I hear there were prodigious Crowds there and that the House was

full by four o'clock._

_Cank._ I am surprized at that, for I think that this Author has never

writ for the Stage before.

_Heart._ That may be the Reason why he excites such Curiosity now; for

the People look upon every new Author as a Candidate for publick Fame

or Disgrace; and as the Right of Election is vested in them, each

Man's Friendship, Vanity, or Envy prompts him to exert his Authority

the first Night, lest he should never have an Opportunity afterwards.

_Cank._ Well I wish this Gentleman well of his Election. _I knew him

at School and College_, and have some small Acquaintance with him now;

a--a--as a Man I like him extremely, but--as--an--a--a--a--a--an

Author, a, um,--I wish he had not writ, that's all.

_Heart._ Why so Sir, I think there is not a Gentleman in Britain but

might be proud of being the Author of a well wrote Play.

_Cank._ Ha, ha, Lord, Mr.--sure you can't call his a Play. _It is

rather a Pantomime, a thing stuffed with Escapes, Pursuits, Ladders of

Ropes and Scenes in the Dark, all a parcel of Pantomimical Finesses

such as you see every Night at Rich's Entertainments. Ranger is really

the Harlequin and Mr. Strictland Colombine's Husband; though the

Author is an Acquaintance and a Man whom I respect, notwithstanding I

have so contemptible an Opinion of the Play, I heartily wish he may

succeed._

_Heart._ This is a very strange way of showing your Respect, Mr.

Canker.

_Cank._ Sir, I assure you my Censure of the Piece arises from my

Esteem of the Author. I would have him exploded now, that he may not

expose himself by writing again. Besides I have some Concern for the

Publick; it should not be overrun with every Fool _who mistakes

Inclination for Genius_.

_Heart._ Nor plagued with every invidious Wretch who mistakes Envy for

Judgment and Assurance for Parts. If the Suspicious Husband has Merit,

the Publick will reward it; if not they will condemn it.

_Cank._ The Publick! ha, ha, ha, Mr. Heartly, ask any Man of real

Taste and Learning what he thinks of publick Judgment.

_Heart._ 'Tis true they have been often in the wrong, but then it is

always on the good Natured Side. They have sometimes applauded where

perhaps they should have censured, _but there never was an Instance

where they condemned unjustly_.

_Cank._ Yes Sir, they condemned several of my pieces unjustly and

shamefully, and _if they applaud such a piece as the Suspicious

Husband_, I say they have lost all Taste of good Writing and true

Comedy.

_Heart._ O here is my Lady's Woman, Mrs. Chatter: she has been at the

Play and can give us the whole Account of it.

(_Enter Mrs._ CHATTER _and_ FOOTMAN)

_Mrs. Chat._ Pray Mr. Thomas, be so good as to get me a Glass of

Water.

_Foot._ Yes ma'm. (_Going_)

_Chat._ And pray give this Capuchin and Fan to the Chambermaid.

_Foot._ Yes ma'm. (_Exit_)

_Chat._ Gentlemen, I beg ten thousand Pardons, but I must sit down a

bit, I am so immensely fatigued.

_Heart._ Pray Mrs. Chatter, what it is Matter?

_Chat._ Matter! The Devil fetch the new Play for me, and the Play-House,

and the Players, and all of them together, for I was never so chagrinned

since I was born.

_Cank._ What you did not like the Play, I suppose, Mrs. Chatter, nor

the Acting.

_Chat._ O quite the contrary, Sir, I never saw a prettier Play in all

my Life, and I think Mr. Ranger the Templer is a charming Fellow! O

lud! I protest I should not care to trust myself with him in his

Chambers--well he made me laugh a thousand times tonight, with his

going up the Ladder of Ropes, and then into the Lady's Chamber, and

his dropping his Hat, and his going to ravish Jacyntha, and a thousand

comical things--but he brings all off at last. (_Enter Footman with a

Glass of Water_) O Mr. Thomas, I thank you. (_Drinks, gives him the

Glass, Footman is going off_) O Mr. Thomas.

_Foot._ Madam.

_Chat._ I vow I am over Shoes and Boots with walking home from the

Playhouse; there was neither Chair nor Coach to be had for Love or

Money; pray will you tell the Chambermaid to leave out some clean

things for me in my Lady's dressing Room.

_Foot._ I shall, Madam. (_Going_)

_Chat._ O one thing more--pray Mr. Thomas, let the Monkey and the

Parrot be removed out of my Lady's dressing Room, for I know she won't

care to converse with them tonight.--The new Comedy I suppose will

engross our Chat for one week at least.

_Foot._ A pox on these Monkeys and Parrots and these second hand

Quality; they require more Attendance than our Ladies. (_Exit_)

_Heart._ Pray Mrs. Chatter, if you were pleased with the Play and the

Acting, from whence arises your Distress?

_Chat._ From the oddest Accident in the World, Mr. Heartly. You must

know, Mr. Canker, that I am a vast Admirer of the Belles Lettres as my

Lady calls 'em, and never miss the first Night of a new thing--I am as

fond of a new thing as my Lady is and I assure you she often takes my

Judgment upon any new Play or Opera, and the Actors and Actresses. For

you must know, Mr. Canker, I am thought a very tolerable Judge.

_Cank._ Well, but how did the Play succeed?

_Chat._ O immensely.

_Cank._ Was it hissed?

_Chat._ Not once.

_Heart._ Was it applauded?

_Chat._ To an immensity.

_Cank._ Psha! impossible! She knows nothing of the Matter.

_Chat._ No to be sure, Mr. Canker, I know nothing of the Matter

because I did not like your Play; but I would have you to know, Sir,

that my Lady and I know a good Play when we see or read it as well as

you for all your Aristotle and your Cook upon Littleton, and all your

great Criticks. (_Exit_)

_Cank._ Psha! an ignorant Creature, Mr. Heartly, your Servant; I'll go

and see for the Ladies.

_Heart._ So you have nettled him, Mrs. Chatter.

_Chat._ O hang him, he can't abide me upon your Account and Miss

Harriet's; a conceited envious Wretch; he will allow nobody to have

Judgment but himself.

_Heart._ But pray what was your Distress, Mrs. Chatter?

_Chat._ Why as soon as I had dropped my Lady, away went I to the Play,

and so, Sir, I mobbed it into the Pit--for you must know I admire the

Humour of the Savages in the Pit upon these Occasions of all things;

so, so, Sir, as I was saying my Lady Ramble's Woman who is the most

ignorant Animal in the Creation of the Belles Lettres [and] knows no

more of them than a Welch Attorney, well she and I and my Lord Pride's

Gentleman went together and we had immense fun, ha, ha, ha; we made

the Musick play twenty comical Tunes, and a hundred things besides. I

saw all our Ladies in the side Box and we pantomimed all Night long at

one another, and were immensely merry, and liked the Play vastly well.

There was an infinite [ly] pretty Dance at the End of it--and the

sweetest Epilogue--We encored the Dance--but they begged they might

speak the Epilogue first, so then we clapt immensely, ha, ha.

_Heart._ But I thought, Mrs. Chatter, you were going to give me an

Account of your Distress.

_Chat._ I was so, but I protest I quite forgot it--hark! is not that

our Coach stopped! Yes 'tis they--then--I beg pardon, Mr. Heartly, but

I can't possibly stay to tell you the Story now, for I must run to my

Lady. (_Exit_)

(_Enter_ HARRIET)

_Har._ O Mr. Candid, your Servant; you're a gallant Gentleman not to

come to us. O you Clown! You have lost such a Night, such Diversion----

_Heart._ I am glad you were so well entertained, Madam, but you know

it was impossible for me to have the Pleasure of waiting upon you, as

I was obliged to attend my Uncle. Besides, Madam, I had your leave to

be absent. I am glad to hear the Play had such Success; pray how does

my Lady like it?

_Har._ O immoderately!

_Heart._ How happened that? She went prejudiced against it, I am sure.

_Har._ O Canker did insinuate a most villainous character of it to us

all, that's the truth on't; but _Sir Charles Stanza who is a great

Friend of the Author's_ came into our Box and sat there all Night with

us; and what with his Encomiums and the Merit of the Piece, we are all

become most Violent Converts; and now my Lady like a true Proselyte is

for persecuting everybody with the Brand of Idiotism who is out of the

Pale of her Ladyship's Judgment.

_Heart._ A true mark of Biggotry and Ignorance.

_Har._ You know she is as fond of a New Wit, as a City Esquire who is

setting up to be one himself; so she begged Sir Charles would

introduce her to the Author, and he was so very obliging as to promise

to bring him here to sup this very Night.

_Heart._ That was a high Compliment indeed to a Lady of her Fondness

for Authors.

_Har._ O it has won her Heart; she's distracted with it.

_Heart._ But dear Harriet, now to our Affairs. You see there is no

getting the better of this Fellow Canker; he has got the entire

Possession of your Aunt, and she is resolved by Marriage Contract to

give you to him this very Night. What's to be done?

_Har._ What's to be done? Why twenty things; I'll have the Vapours,

Hystericks, Cholick and Madness rather than consent, and at last if my

Aunt does persist, as I am afraid she will, why, like Jacyntha in the

new Play, it is but providing a Ladder of Ropes and a pair of

Breeches, and then the Business is done.

_Heart._ Dear Girl, you have eased my anxious Heart; thus let me pay

my soft Acknowledgment.

_Har._ Thus let me pay my soft Acknowledgment. Ha, ha, ha! (_Mimicking

him_) Upon my Word and Honour you make as ridiculous a Figure as a

whining Lover in a Farce. Prithee let us have done with this

theatrical Cant.

_Heart._ No, Harriet, I can never have done Loving you.

_Har._ Why I don't desire you to have done loving me; I only bid you

have done telling me so--if you would please me, love me more and tell

me less.

_Heart._ Dear kind Creature! (_Kissing her Hand_) Pray what's become

of my Lady?

_Har._ Apropos, do you know that the Irish Beau that we laughed at so

immoderately the other Night at the Opera, came into our Box and set

there all the Play?

_Heart._ Who, Sir Patrick Bashfull?

_Har._ The same. The Rogue has plagued me to Death with his

Civilities, his Compliments and his Blunders; he is the most fulsome

Fellow sure that ever pretended to Politeness.

_Heart._ Yes but the best Jest is that the Rogue is ashamed of his

Country and says he was born in France.

_Har._ Well after sighing and making doux yeux at me all play time, he

would hand me to the Coach; but the Fellow squeezed me so as we went

along, that I was obliged to cry out and pull my hand away; when we

were in the Coach, I thought we had got rid of him, but the Instant

the Footman knocked at our Door, to our great Surprize who should we

find at the Coach side ready to hand us out but our Irish Gallant. We

could not avoid asking him in; he made a Million of Apologies for his

Assurance, but his chief one was that he observed two suspicious

Fellows dogging the Coach, so he followed us home to prevent our being

insulted.

_Heart._ Ha, ha, ha, I think it was a good Irish Excuse; and pray

where is he now?

_Har._ I left him below with my Lady overwhelming her with

Civilities--See here they both come.

(_Enter Lady_ CRITICK _and Sir_ PATRICK BASHFULL)

_Lady._ Sir Patrick, we are immensely obliged to you for the Trouble

you have taken, and be assured, Sir, we shall languish to perpetuity

'till time shall produce a favourable opportunity of my making a

suitable Return.

_Sir Pat._ O dear Madam, every Man of Gallantry must esteem the bare

Serving of your Ladyship an unmentionable Honour, which ought to be

held in the highest Estimation; and I protest to you, if this Accident

happens to be productive of a Friendly Intimation betwixt a Personage

of your Ladyship's Wit and Politeness and your humble Slave, I shall

from thence date the Era of my past and future happiness tho' I was to

live an Age of Misery afterwards.

_Heart._ O the blundering fulsome Rogue! (_Aside to Harriet_)

_Lady._ Really I am at a Loss how to return this great Civility.

_Sir Pat._ O Lord, Madam, not in the least--You are only pleased to

compliment. (_They compliment in dumbshew apart_)

_Har._ See, see, Sir Patrick and my Lady what pains they take to shew

their Politeness.

_Lady._ And I shall be proud of the Honour of a Visit whenever it

suits the Inclination and Conveniency of Sir Patrick Bashfull.

_Sir Pat._ Madam, je suis votre tres humble.

_Lady._ O dear Sir Patrick, you are infinitely polite. (_Turning about

to Heartly and Harriet_) O Mr. Heartly, I am sorry you did not come to

us; I pity you, you have lost such a Night.

_Heart._ I am glad to hear your Ladyship was so agreeably entertained.

_Lady._ Immensely! _It is the highest Entertainment the Age has

produced._

_Sir Pat._ By my Integrity, Madam, I have the Honour to be of your

Ladyship's Opinion. It is the prettiest Entertainment I have seen upon

the English Theatre, except Orpheus and Eurydice, where the Serpent

is--(_Going up to Heartly_) Sir, I have not the Pleasure of being

known to you--but I should be proud to have the Honour of an Intimacy

with a Gentleman of your polite Parts and Understanding.

_Heart._ Sir, I am greatly obliged to you.

_Sir Pat._ You must know, Sir, I am but just come into the Kingdom of

London, and as I am an entire Stranger here, I should be glad to be

acquainted with everybody in the Beau Monde, but with none so soon as

a Gentleman of Mr.--pray Sir, what's your Name?

_Heart._ Sir, my Name is Heartly.

_Sir Pat._ Sir, I am your most obedient humble Servant, and your

sincere Friend and Acquaintance likewise--tho' I have the Honour only

to be a Stranger to you as yet.

_Heart._ Sir, your humble Servant.

_Lady._ What a well bred Manner he has.

_Sir Pat._ I hope, Sir, you will excuse my Modesty on this Occasion.

_Heart._ O dear Sir, your Modesty I dare answer for it will never

stand in need of any Excuse.

_Sir Pat._ O your very--Sir, I hope you will likewise pardon my

Neglect of not introducing myself sooner to your Acquaintance, but I

assure you, Sir, the Reason was because I never saw you before.

_Heart._ Sir, your Reason is unanswerable; your Name I think is

Bashfull, Sir?

_Sir Pat._ Sir Patrick Bashfull at your Service.

_Heart._ Of the Bashfulls of Ireland I presume, Sir?

_Sir Pat._ No Sir, I am originally descended from the Fitz-Bashfulls

of France--tho' indeed our Family was of Irish Distraction first of

all.

_Heart._ Your Title is of Ireland I suppose, Sir?

_Sir Pat._ And most Courts of Europe, Sir; I have an intimate Interest

with them all, and should be proud to do you any Service with any of

them from the Court of Versailles down to the distressed State of

Genoa.

_Heart._ Sir, you are infinitely obliging.

_Lady._ Well but, Mr. Heartly, you will go with us tomorrow Night?

_Heart._ By all means, Madam.

_Lady._ I have taken a Box for twenty Night; don't you think it will

run so long, Sir Patrick?

_Sir Pat._ Indeed I believe it will, my Lady, and twenty days too--for

it is a charming thing. Pray Madam, is it not one of Shakespear's?

_Lady._ O Lud no, Sir--it is entirely new, never was acted before.

_Sir Pat._ _I protest, Madam, it is so very fine I took it for one of

Shakespear's--for you must know, Madam, that I am a great Admirer of

Shakespear and Milton's Comedies--they are very diverting. O they have

fine long Soliloquies in them--to be or not to be, that's the

Dispute--Don't you think, Madam, that's a charming fine Play--that

Hamlet Prince of Dunkirk, and Othello Moor of Venus they say is a very

deep Comedy, but I never saw it acted._

_Lady._ To be sure Shakespear was a very tolerable Author for the

time, Sir Patrick, he writ in, but--a--he was excessively incorrect.

Don't you think he was, Mr. Heartly?

_Heart._ Extremely so, my Lady.

_Lady._ Well this Comedy is quite Aristotelian, with an infinity of

Plot--quite tip top--You will like it immensely; it is quite a high

thing.

_Heart._ To be sure nobody has a more elegant Taste of Works of Genius

than your Ladyship, particularly of the Drama.

_Lady._ Why really, Mr. Heartly, I think I have some tolerable Ideas

of the finer Arts. Mr. Canker, who is allowed to have more critical

Learning than any man since Zoilus, says I have an Exquisite Taste of

Dramatick Rules--I have given him several hints in his Plays--and have

sometimes writ an Entire Scene for him.

_Heart._ To be sure, Madam, your Knowledge is indisputable--but I am

afraid Mr. Canker will call your Judgment in question about this New

Play, for he rails at it excessively.

_Lady._ He did abuse it to an infinite Degree before it came out; but

he will soon be convinced when he hears my Judgment of it, and to tell

you a Secret, Mr. Heartly, I am a little picqued at him for speaking

so ill of it--for I have a great Regard for the Author. Sir Charles

Stanza is to bring him to sup tonight, and we are to be immensely

intimate, and there is nothing I like so much as an Acquaintance with

a new Author.

(_Enter_ FOOTMAN)

_Foot._ Mr. Advocate the Lawyer is come to wait on your Ladyship.

_Lady._ O he has brought the Marriage Articles; Harriet, I hope all

your Objections to Mr. Canker are removed, for this Night he is to

declare his Passion either for you or your Sister, and if you should

be his Choice, I desire as you have any regard for me that you will

receive him with Respect and Esteem. He has an immense deal of Wit,

and a most refined Understanding; as you are at my disposal, I expect

an implicit Acceptance of the Person I shall recommend.

_Sir Pat._ Upon my Honour, my Lady, tho' I know nothing at all of the

Matter, I think you talk very reasonably. Shall I have the Honour of

your Ladyship's Hand? (_Exit Sir Patrick and Lady Critick_)

_Har._ Well Sir, Matters are brought to a Crisis.

_Heart._ They are so, and I see no Remedy but the old one.

_Har._ Pray Sir, what is that?

_Heart._ What you resolved on just now--Jacyntha's----

_Har._ What, running away? No, no, Sir, I don't think that quite so

necessary to our Plot as it was to theirs; it will be time enough to

put that Scheme in Execution when every thing else fails.

_Heart._ But dear Harriet, what's to be done? You see that Canker

pretends a Passion for you, and your Aunt is fully determined on the

Match--I will openly avow my Love----

_Har._ Not for your Life. That would infallibly ruin us. Let my Lady

and Canker still imagine you are fond of my Sister. You and she have

dissembled it so well hitherto, that they are convinced of it; let

them continue in their Error, for if Canker gets the least Suspicion

of your Tendre for me, so inveterate is his Envy, that he would though

he loved another, infallibly make me his Choice.

_Heart._ I am convinced.

_Har._ The Wretch loves me, his Behaviour at least makes me think so;

if he does, I will probe his Heart and raise such a Conflict in it

between Love and Envy as shall soon decide which is his most

predominant Passion. See here [he] comes; be gone. [_Exit Heartly_] He

must not see us together.

(_Enter_ CANKER)

_Har._ O Mr. Canker, your Servant; we are infinitely obliged to you

for your Company at the New Play.

_Cank._ Madam, I beg a Million of Pardons for disappointing you. I had

an intolerable Head Ache which rendered me incapable of the Happiness

of waiting on you.

_Har._ Nay that won't pass for an Excuse; being there would have cured

your Head Ache; the clapping and laughing would have diverted and

drove it away.

_Cank._ Yes into my Heart. (_Aside_) Madam, I have often tried and

found that kind of Noise increased my Disorder.

_Har._ I fancy, Mr. Canker, because you are sure of my Aunt's Consent

that you begin to exert the Husband already and are ashamed to be seen

with me in Publick.

_Cank._ Madam, you wrong me; the Husband shall be lost in the Lover.

My Heart knows no Sensation but from your heavenly Image.

_Har._ O dear Mr. Canker, you had better keep this Poetic Nonsense

'till you write a Tragedy--It may pass then--But in such a Scene as

ours your Brother Criticks will certainly laugh at it; besides, you

have said all these fine things to me a thousand times; it is now time

to drop them, and instead of Fustian speak plain Common Sense. My Aunt

has promised and vowed in my Name, and this Night by Contract resolved

to make up a Conjugal Match between you and I, but before we play for

so large a Stake as Matrimony, is it not proper to have a good Opinion

and a thorough Knowledge of the Skill and Integrity of our Partners

that we are to play with?

_Cank._ Sure Madam, you cannot doubt the sincerity of my Heart?

_Har._ Um--why you Men are a kind of Sharpers in Love; you lose

trifles to us in Courtship in order to make us the greater Bubbles in

Marriage; therefore, like fair Gamesters, let us play upon the Square

by letting each other know what they have to trust to.

_Cank._ Madam, my Heart is open to your Dictates; write your own Laws

in it.

_Har._ If you will let me write them in my Marriage Articles, Sir, I

shall think my Obligation to you much greater.

_Cank._ With all my Heart, Madam. Name your own Conditions; I will

subscribe to them.

_Har._ Generous indeed, Mr. Canker; know then that I shall insist upon

an entire Change not only in your Conduct but even in your way of

thinking which will make you more agreeable to yourself and less

hateful to everybody else.

_Cank._ Madam!

_Har._ It is a general Observation behind your back, however

complaisant People may be to your Face, that Envy is your predominant

Passion and directs in all you say or do. "As ill natured and as

Envious as Canker" is a common Simile among your Friends; and may in

time grow into a Proverb, Sir, unless you change your Conduct.

_Cank._ Madam, when the Ignorant presume to judge of the finer Arts----

_Har._ Sir, your Satire is ill Nature--and your Judgment Envy.

Therefore if you have any hopes of me, you must reverse your Temper

and come into the following Treaty: In the first place instead of

making it the Business of your Life to wound the Reputation of your

Scribblers on all Occasions and explode their Plays, you must

endeavour to support them; what if you think their Productions bad,

good or bad, you must approve.--Item, I insist that you look upon me

as your Minerva, and that for the future you never presume to

Scribble, Applaud, or Condemn without first consulting me.

_Cank._ Madam, I have a better Opinion of your Understanding than to

think you mean all this seriously.

_Har._ Upon my Honour, then you are mistaken; I shall not marry any

Man who dares refuse to comply with these Articles--So, Sir, if you

think well of them, I desire you will give me an Instance of your

Obedience and Sincerity by going with me to the new Comedy tomorrow

Night, and publickly expressing the highest Applause at it.

_Cank._ Madam, you may with as much Justice ask me to reverse my

Affections, to love what I loath, and detest what I admire. No Madam,

Posterity shall never say such a wretched Performance as the

Suspicious Husband had the _sanction of Francis Canker_.

_Har._ Then, Sir, your humble Servant--I am glad I know your Mind. Our

Treaty ends here. (_Going, he holds her_)

_Cank._ Dear Harriet, stay! Why will you urge me to a Behaviour so

contrary to my Nature? Consider, Madam, how ridiculous it will make me

appear to the World. Why People will think me mad.

_Har._ You are mistaken, Sir; they will only think that your good

Nature has at last got the better of your Envy.

_Cank._ Well but Madam----

_Har._ Well but Sir, I insist that you clap and laugh, nay and that

you cry too.

_Cank._ Cry, Madam?

_Har._ Ay, cry, Sir--as soon as you see Mr. Strictland acknowledge his

Error and sue to be reconciled to his Wife; if you have one humane

particle in your Composition, I insist upon your Sympathizing with his

conscious Heart by dropping a manly Tear along with him.

_Cank._ Madam, I can't come into all you command but what I can I

will. When other People laugh, I'll cry, and when they cry, I'll

laugh. Will that content you?

_Har._ O mighty well, Sir! Mighty well! I see you turn my Proposals

into ridicule. (_Exit Harriet_)

_Cank._ What shall I do? Was ever Man laid under such a Restraint by a

_trifling_ Woman! The Bawble and Gewgaw of the Creation! Made for

Man's Conveniency, his Slave not his Tyrant! To part with my right of

Censuring, my Judgment, my Understanding! S'Death, I would as soon

part with my----

(_Enter a_ SERVANT)

_Serv._ Zir, here's Master Grubwit come to zeek you.

_Cank._ Desire him to walk in.

(_Enter_ GRUBWIT)

_Cank._ Dear Grubwit, how came you to stay so long? You need not tell

me of the Success! I have been sufficiently mortified with it already!

Where is Plagiary?

_Grub._ Talking with my Lady Critick and the rest of the Company.

_Cank._ Did you call in at the Coffee House?

_Grub._ Yes, or we should have been with you sooner.

_Cank._ Well, and what's the Opinion there?

_Grub._ Um--why faith, I am sorry to say it--but it is--generally

liked; there is Trifle and a few more of his Size of Understanding in

Rapture about it; he avers Antiquity never produced so correct nor so

entertaining a Piece, and in his extravagant Manner, returns Jupiter

thanks for his having lived in a time when such a Comedy was written.

_Cank._ Blockheads! Fools! Idiots! what signifies Taste or Learning if

such Wretches are suffered to have Sway in the Commonwealth of Letters!

(_Enter_ PLAGIARY)

_Plag._ A blundering Blockhead! He pretend to give his Judgment upon

Writing!

_Cank._ What's the matter, Plagiary?

_Plag._ Why there's that staring Irish Baronet blundering out such

fulsome Praise upon the New Play as is enough to make a sensible Man

sick--I did but offer an Objection or two and my Lady Critick and the

whole Knot opened upon me like a Pack of Hounds--I was forced to quit

the Room.

_Cank._ I am amazed at my Lady Critick's liking it but I will soon

convince her of her Error. But dear Plagiary, was there no

Opportunity, nor no Attempt to hinder its Success?

_Plag._ _Not after it begun; before indeed, there was as promising a

Spirit in the Pit as ever made an Author's Heart ache. They whistled,

hollowed and catcalled and interrupted the Prologue for above ten

Minutes._

_Cank._ Ay! That looked charming!

_Plag._ O delightful!--I would not have given Sixpence to have secured

its Destruction--everybody around me concluded it a gone Play.

_Grub._ And so the[y] did about me I assure you.

_Plag._ If they had been possessed with the Spirit of Zoilus, they

could not have behaved better before the Prologue was spoke; but the

Instant the Curtain was drawn up, their Clamour changed to a fixed

Attention, and their Prejudice to burst of Applause which made the

Ring.

_Cank._ What, no hissing at all?

_Plag._ No, Sir!

_Cank._ Nor Catcalling?

_Plag._ None.

_Cank._ Nor groaning?

_Plag._ Not one, Sir.

_Cank._ Well if such Plays go down----

_Plag._ I pulled out my Handkerchief and blowed--and coughed--and

hawked--and spit, a hundred times I believe, (_Makes a noise by

blowing in his Handkerchief_) but was constantly interrupted with

"Silence--pray, Sir, be silent--let us hear."

_Grub._ I heard you from the other side of the Pit and did the same

but was interrupted too by the Fools about me.

_Cank._ To see the partiality of Audiences--Idiots--damn 'em, they

never would attend to a Play of mine.

_Grub._ Nor mine.

_Plag._ No nor mine.

_Cank._ They always begun with me in the first Act by calling for the

Epilogue. Dear Plagiary, do you think this thing will run?

_Plag._ I am afraid so.

_Cank._ _Why then your Tragedy cannot come out this year_----

_Plag._ No Sir, nor your Comedy.

_Grub._ Nor my Mask.

_Cank._ Isn't it monstrous that the Publick must be deprived of such

an excellent performance as your Mask is, which is preferable to

anything Milton ever wrote for such a wretched _flimsy piece of

Stuff_?

_Grub._ Upon my word, Sir, I think the Publick is much worse used in

respect of your Comedy, which has the Art and Character of Johnson,

the Ease and Elegance of Etheridge, the Wit of Congreve, and the happy

ridiculum of Moliere; and is indisputably the best that has been

written in our Language.

_Plag._ Was there ever such Injustice shewn in a Theatre as the

setting aside my Tragedy _which has the Approbation of all the Judges

in England_?

_Cank._ It is severe Treatment no Doubt on't for your Piece stands in

the first Class of Tragedy; it is written according to the strictest

French Rules, and for the true Sublime as far beyond Shakespear as

Banks is beneath him. But what signifies the Excellence of a Piece?

Neither your Tragedy, my Comedy, nor your Mask can come on. The Stage

is quite monopolized for this Year if this Thing, I can't call it a

Play, is suffered to run.

_Plag._ Ay, and what is worse, if some means is not found out to check

it, ten to one but we shall be plagued with another next year.

_Grub._ Well, what's to be done?

_Cank._ Why Gentlemen, it is a Common Cause, and requires an active

Opposition. We must try fairly to hunt it down by Journals, Epigrams

and Pamphlets;--you must attack the Characters,--you the Sentiments

and Dialogue, while I expose the Moral and the Fable.

_Plag._ With all my Heart.

_Grub._ Agreed. And now let us join the Company and try if we can't

bring them over to our Party; for tho' the most of them are Idiots,

yet they will serve to fill up the Cry, which you know is the present

Test of Right and Wrong. (_Exit_)

_Plag._ Pray did you ever read his Mask?

_Cank._ I attempted to read it several times but could never get

through it.

_Plag._ It is the vilest Thing sure that ever dullness produced.

And yet the Fools are as fond of it as if Apollo and the Nine

had approved it. Amazing that Men can be so blind to their own

Foibles. (_Exit_)

_Cank._ I am sure if you were not as great a Stranger to your own

Dullness as you are to Apollo and the Nine, as you quaintly call

them, you would never think of writing a Tragedy. But most Writers

are such vain, envious Coxcombs, and busy themselves so continually

in the pleasing Search of other People's Faults, that they never

have time to look into their own. For this Blockhead now, who has

no more Imagination than a Dutch Burgomaster, because he can common

place Corneille and Racine, sets up for the Euripides of the Age,

and has the Vanity to prefer his sleepy, lumpish Tragedy to my Comedy

which has that Viscomica, that fine Ridiculum of Human Nature which

Caesar so lauded in the Greek and so regretted the Want of in the

Roman Poet. (_Exit_)

(_Enter_ HARRIET _and_ HEARTLY)

_Har._ O I have teazed the Wretch 'till his Envy shook him like the

Ague fit.

_Heart._ And I have praised the Play and flattered my Lady's Judgment

to such a Degree of Pride and Obstinancy as will never bear

Contradiction again. No successful Poet after his Ninth Night was ever

so brimfull of Vanity as I have made her Ladyship. She run[s] over

with folly.

_Har._ Let me tell you, Sir, Trifle makes a pretty ridiculous Figure

upon this Occasion.

_Heart._ And indeed upon any Occasion; he never departs from his

Character. I left him, and that other Coxcomb Nibble, in the most

ridiculous dispute about the Rules of Criticism, and what was high,

and what was low Comedy, and what was Farce, that ever was heard. Sir

Patrick, he got into the Squabble with them, and did so contradict

himself and them, and did so flounder and blunder that they had all

gone to Loggerheads if my Lady hadn't stepped in and pre-emptorily

decided the point.

_Har._ O delightful! I should have liked that of all things. See here

the Knight comes; let us play him off a little.

_Heart._ With all my Heart.

(_Enter Sir_ PATRICK)

_Heart._ Sir Patrick, your humble Servant, have you settled the

Argument between Nibble and Trifle at last?

_Sir Pat._ Yes, yes, I settled it as dead as a Door Nail betwixt them.

_Heart._ Which way, Sir?

_Sir Pat._ Why I told them they were both wrong and knew nothing at

all of the Matter, but they did not believe me so they went to it

again, and there I left them.--(_Seeing Harriet, addresses her_)

Madam, I am your most obedient Slave and humble Servant! 'Till death

do us part.

_Har._ O Sir Patrick, you are superlatively obliging. (_Curtzying very

low_) I am afraid, Sir Patrick, that is more than my short

Acquaintance with you can merit.

_Sir Pat._ O Madam, you merit more than human Nature can bestow upon

you. You are all perfection, beautiful as Venus, and as wise as

Medusa.

_Both._ Ha, ha, ha.

_Heart._ Medusa! Ha, ha, ha, Minerva I believe you mean.

_Sir Pat._ Faith I believe so too; but one may easily mistake; you

know they are so very much alike, especially as they are both Heathen

Gods too.

_Both._ Ha, ha, ha.

_Heart._ Very true, Sir.

_Sir Pat._ Upon my Honour, Madam, I have travelled over several of the

Terrestial Globes both by Land and Sea and I never saw so fair a

Creature as your Ladyship, but one, and she was an Indian Queen and

black as a Raven.

_Har._ Pray Sir, in all your Travels were you never in Ireland?

_Sir Pat._ I was in Paris, Madam; I lived there all my Life. Parlez

vous Francois?

_Har._ Sir, I don't understand your speaking French very well.

_Sir Pat._ Oui, Madamoiselle, je le parle Francois, but I cannot speak

a word of Irish tho' I was often taken for an Irish Gentleman when I

was abroad--because you must know I used to converse very much with

them.

_Har._ And pray, Sir, in all your Travels through the Terrestial

Globes by Land and Sea, are you sure you never were in Ireland?

_Sir Pat._ No, Madam, I can't say positively--Stay--let me remember if

I can--Ireland--Ireland--tho' to tell you the Truth, Madam, _I have a

very bad Memorandum_.

_Both._ Ha, ha, ha.

_Sir Pat._ Faith, Madam, I can't find by my Brain that ever I was so

happy as to visit that Kingdom.

_Har._ I wonder at that, Sir, for all Gentlemen of Taste visit Ireland

in their Travels. It's famous for not having venemous Creatures in it,

I think.

_Sir Pat._ Not one, Madam, from the beginning of the World to the

Creation. For I remember there was a Toad brought over there once, and

as soon as ever he died. Madam, upon my Honour, they could not bring

it to Life again.

_Har._ No! That was very surprizing, ha, ha.

_Sir Pat._ Upon my Word and Honour, Madam, 'tis as true as the Alcorn,

for I stood there with these two Eyes and saw it.

_Har._ Then I find you have been in Ireland, Sir?

_Sir Pat._ In Ireland, Madam. (_Aside_--What the Devil have I said.

Now I am afraid I have committed a Blunder here.) Yes, Madam, now I

remember I was there once about two or three Months ago--I went over

with a Lady for my Diversion--She went there to travel so I went to

shew her the Country because we were both Strangers in it. But really,

Madam, it was so long ago that I quite forgot it, and as I told you

before, Madam, I have a very treacherous Heart at remembering Things

when once I forgot them.

_Har._ You are to be excused, Sir, for to be sure a Gentleman that has

travelled so much as you have done must have a very treacherous Heart

at remembering things. For it is common Observation that Travellers

always have bad Memories.

_Sir Pat._ O the worst in the World, Madam, for they go into so many

Inns and Taverns upon the Road, and into so many Towns and Villages

and Steeples and Churches, that it is impossible to Memorandum all the

Kingdoms a Man travels through.

_Heart._ Ha, ha, ha. Pray Sir, in your Travels in Ireland, if your

heart will let you recollect it, what sort of usage did you meet with?

_Sir Pat._ O the best behaved usage that ever I met with in all the

born days of my Life, Sir--I'll tell you what, Madam, now if you were

a strange Gentleman and travelling there and happened to come within a

Mile of a Gentleman's House when you were benighted so that you could

not find your way to it, upon my Honour you might lie there all Night

and not cost you a halfpenny, tho' you had never a farthing of Money

in your Pocket.

_Both._ Ha, ha, ha.

_Heart._ That is very hospitable, I must confess, to let one lie

within a Mile of their House.

_Sir Pat._ Lord, Madam, there are not so hospitable and good natured

People in the World.

_Heart._ I think, Sir, the Irish are reckoned very great Scholars.

_Sir Pat._ O dear, Madam, yes indeed, very great Scholars. They play

Back Gammon the best of any Men in the World, _better than all the

Bishops in England_.

_Har._ Then you have several good Poets in Ireland.

_Sir Pat._ Yes to be sure, Sir, there is hardly a Gentleman there but

knows every one of the Ninety Nine Muses, and can speak all the

Mechanical Sciences by Heart, and most of the liberal Languages except

Irish and Welch.

_Har._ And how happens it that they don't speak their own Language?

_Sir Pat._ Because, Madam, they are ashamed of it; it has such a

rumbling Sound with it. Now when I was upon my Travels I liked the

Language so well that I learned it. Madam, if it won't be over and

above encumbersome to your sweet Ladyship, I will sing you an Irish

Song I learnt there--it was made upon a beautiful young Creature that

I was in Love wi[th] there, one Mrs. Gilgifferaghing.

_Har._ Not at all encumbersome; I dare swear it will be very

entertaining.

_Sir Pat._ Hem, hem, hem. (_Sings an Irish Song_)

_Har._ I protest, Sir, you have a great deal of very diverting Humour;

and upon my Word you sing extremely well. For my part, I think Irish

singing is as diverting as Italian.

_Sir Pat._ O Madam, that is more my Deserts than your Goodness to say

so.

_Both._ Ha, ha, ha.

_Har._ I am surprized the Directors of the Opera do not send over to

Ireland for a Set of Irish Singers.

_Sir Pat._ O no, Madam, it would never do; the Irishmen would never

make good Singers.

_Har._ Why so, Sir?

_Sir Pat._ Lord, Madam, as soon as ever they would come to England,

the English Ladies would be so very fond of them that it would spoil

their Voices--besides, Madam, they are not so well qualified for it as

the Italians.

_Har._ We are generally speaking very fond of the Irish Gentlemen to

be sure, but there is no avoiding it,--they have so much Wit and

Assurance and are such agreeable handsome Fellows.

_Sir Pat._ O Lord, Madam, we Gentlemen of Ireland look upon ourselves

to be the handsomest men in England.

_Heart._ Then you are an Irish Man, Sir?

_Sir Pat._ An Irish Man,--poh, what the Devil shall I say now?

(_Aside_) No my Life, I am no Irishman at all, not I upon my

Honour--but my Mother was one--and so I call that my Country sometimes

out of a Joke--that's all--I an Irishman--no, no--no, I'faith you may

know by my Tongue that I am no Irishman.

_Har._ O then it is your Mother that was an Irishman?

_Sir Pat._ Yes, Madam, she was born and bred in Ireland all the Days

of her Life, but she was educated in England.

_Heart._ Ha, ha, ha, this is more than one in Reason could have

expected. This Fellow is more diverting and more blundering than his

Countryman in the Committee. [_Aside_]

_Har._ See, here come Mr. Nibble and Mr. Trifle in warm debate;

prithee let us leave them to themselves and go see how my Lady and

Canker have agreed in their Judgments about this New Play.

_Sir Pat._ With all my Heart, Madam; for really I am tired with these

two Gentlemen before they come near us, they are so very

silly--(_Pushing between Harriet and Heartly_) I beg Pardon, Mr.

Heartly, but I must do the Lady the Honour to give her the Acceptation

of my Hand. I hope you will excuse my bashfullness, Madam, that I did

not do it sooner.

_Har._ Sir Patrick, you are the most courteous well bred Knight that

ever broke Spear in a Lady's Defence.

_Sir Pat._ Faith I am of your Opinion in that, Madam, for I think I am

a clever loose Fellow. (_Exeunt_)

(_Enter_ NIBBLE _and_ TRIFLE)

_Trif._ Dear Nibble, don't let you and I quarrel which we certainly

must if you persist in crying down so admired a Piece. For Dullness

seize me if I don't defend it to the last Extremity of critical

Obstinancy.

_Nib._ Dear Tim: don't call it critical, but fashionable Obstinancy,

for you know very well that Judgment and you are old Antagonists.

_Trif._ Ha, ha, ha, give me your Hand for that, Nibble; faith that was

not said amiss--But as I have some regard for you, don't persist in

shewing your weakness lest you oblige me to draw my parts upon you,

and if I do, expect no Quarter; by all that's witty, I'll pink the

Midriff of your Ignorance as a friendly cure to your sickly

Understanding.

_Nib._ Tim Trifle, I defy your Parts; they are as blunt and as dull as

a Welch Pedant's. I do and shall persist in, asserting to the last

Extremity of my critical Judgment that the Piece has glaring

Faults--monstrous.

_Trif._ What Faults? What Faults? Prithee name one!

_Nib._ Why in the first place I insist upon it, and I will prove it up

to mathematical Demonstration, that the Title of it is quite expotic.

_Trif._ Expotic?

_Nib._ Ay, immensely expotic! so expotic that the Play ought to have

been hissed for it. The Suspicious Husband! Is not that an egregious

Error? I am sure every Person who has the least Taste of the Drama

must allow it to be an unpardonable Fault--quite a

Misnomer--absolutely expotic.

_Trif._ Now by Aristotle's Beard, I think there could not have been so

happy a Title found out of the Alphabet.

_Nib._ Nay prithee now, Tim[7] Trifle, what do you understand by the

word Suspicion?

_Trif._ Dear Nick, every Mortal knows what Suspicion means; Suspicion

comes from Suspicio, that is when any Person suspects another.

_Nib._ Well I won't dispute your Definition but upon my Honour I think

it should have been the Jealous Husband.

_Trif._ He, he, lud, Nibble, that would have been the most absurd

Title in the Creation. Well Nick, have you anything else in the Play

to find fault with?

_Nib._ Yes, I think Ranger's Dress is another egregious Fault in it.

_Trif._ His Dress a Fault in the Play?

_Nib._ Ay, and intolerable one.

_Trif._ Nay don't say that, Nick--because if you do I must laugh at

you. Why all the World admires his Dress. _That is thought one of the

best things in the Play._

_Nib._ Well now I will mention a Criticism which I defy the warmest of

Words to defend.

_Trif._ Well, prithee what's that, Nibble?

_Nib._ Why you know Ranger's hat is laced; that I think you must

allow; that is obvious to everybody.

_Trif._ Well, well, granted, my dear Nibble, it is laced.

_Nib._ Why then I aver by all the Rules of Criticism to make the

improbability out of imposing upon Mr. Strickland, that Jacyntha's Hat

ought to be laced too, and by all that is absurd it is a plain one.

_Trif._ Well come, there is something in that; that is a Fault I must

confess, that is a Fault by gad.

_Nib._ O an unpardonable one; I assure you Jack Wagwit and a parcel of

us was going to hiss the whole Scene upon that Account.

_Trif._ No, no, that would have been cruel; you know Homer himself

sometimes nodded. Don't take any Notice of it to anybody, and it shall

be altered tomorrow Night. I'll speak to the Author about it--O here's

my Lady and Mr. Canker--now for a thorough Criticism upon it.

(_Enter Lady_ CRITICK, CANKER, HEARTLY, HARRIET _and

Sir_ PATRICK)

_Lady._ Well, I protest Mr. Canker, I am surprized at your Judgment.

You will certainly be laughed at by all the Polite part of the World.

_Cank._ Madam, I hold the Vulgar in as much Contempt as I do the

Rabble in the Shilling Gallery; both Herds are ignorant, and praise

and condemn, or censure or applau[d], not from a Judgment in the Art,

which should be the Director, but from the ignorant Dictates of

Nature: mere Affection, like Moliere's old Woman.

_Heart._ Well, for my Part, I shall always prefer the irregular Genius

who from mere Affection compels me to laugh or cry, to the regular

Blockhead who makes me sleep according to Rule.

_Cank._ Have a Care, Mr. Heartly, none but the Ignorant ever despised

Rules.

_Heart._ Nor none but the ill natured or the envious ever judged by

the Extremity of Rules. And the laws of Criticism like the Penal Laws

should be explained in a favourable Sense lest the Critick like the

Judge should be suspected of Cruelty or Malice against the Criminal.

_Sir Pat._ Upon my Honour, Sir, I think you talk mighty reasonably. I

think there should be no Law [at] all, and then everybody might do

what they please.

_Trif._ Right, right, Sir Patrick! Liberty and Property, I say--demme

I am not for Criticks--your Homers and your Virgils--and your Coke

upon Littleton, and a parcel of Fellows--who talk of Nothing but Gods

and Goddesses--and a Story of a Cock and a Bull--as hard to be

understood as a Welch Pedigree.

_Sir Pat._ Upon my Honour, so they are very hard! And that Milton's a

strange Fellow too--_he has got a devilish sight of Devils along with

him that nobody knows any thing of but himself_--the Devil a one of

'em all I know but one--and that was old Belzebub--you know we have

often heard of him, for he was Lucifer's Wife.

_Trif._ For my Part I assure you I never could understand Milton.

_Sir Pat._ Nor I, upon my Honour, Mr. Trifle--tho' I admire him

greatly, him and Shakespear are my Favourites, but I could never

understand them.

_Trif._ O Shakespear--old Shakespear--O Shakespear is a clever Fellow,

ay, ay,--I admire Shakespear to the Skies--I understand him very well,

Sir Patrick.

_Lady._ Mr. Canker, finding fault in general is unfair.

_Cank._ Madam, if you will hear me, I will come to particulars and if

I don't convince you, and all the Company that it is void of Plot,

Character, Wit, Humour, Manners, and Moral, I will ever after submit

to be thought as ignorant as I now think those Criticks are who so

much admire it.

_Nib._ As to his want of Manners, that I think is as obvious as

Mathematical Demonstration--was there ever anything so rude as to

bring the Character of our Friend Jack Maggot on the Stage, who is a

young Fellow of Family and Fortune, and as well known about Town as I

am, and is as good natured and as inoffensive a Creature as ever

travelled. I vow as soon as ever I saw him come upon the Stage, I was

shocked.--It was vastly unpolite to introduce a young Fellow of his

Figure in Life upon a publick Theatre--I suppose he will bring some of

our Characters on the Stage in his next Play--if he does I protest

I'll make a party to hiss it.

_Lady._ You may be mistaken, Mr. Nibble, i[t] may be a general and not

a particular Character that is meant by Mr. Maggot.

_Cank._ Madam, Mr. Nibble's Observation is just, and it is impossible

he can be mistaken. For my part, I know Jack Maggot as well as I do

myself, or as I do who is meant by Mr. Strictland.

_Heart._ Mr. Canker, this is most invidious Criticism and what the

best Writers from Fools and Knaves are most liable to. But instead of

injuring, it serves an Author with the Judicious; for it only proves

the Copies to be so highly finished that Ignorance and Malice

compliment them as known Originals.

_Lady._ I protest, Mr. Heartly, I think you quite right in your

Answer, and if Mr. Canker has nothing more Material to offer against

the Play, he will be very Singular in his Censure.

_Cank._ Pray what does your Ladyship think of his Ladder of Ropes?

_Lady._ Why lookee, Mr. Canker, he may have transgressed probability

by it, I grant you--but I will forgive an Author such Transgressions

at any time when it is productive of so much Mirth.

_Heart._ Judiciously observed, my Lady.

_Trif._ Well, by gad, I like the Ladder of Ropes of all things.

_Sir Pat._ Upon my Honour so do I.

_Nib._ Well, I vow I think they are vastly absurd. Pray what do you

think, Miss Harriet?

_Har._ I think it is a very simple and a very probable Machine, and

productive of many happy Incidents, every one of which naturall[y]

arise[s] out of each other, and have this peculiar Beauty, which other

Incidents upon the Stage have not, that each of them begins with a

Surprize that raises your Anxiety and ends with a turn the least

unexpected, which could you have foreseen, would have been what you

would have wished.

_Lady._ Very nicely distinguished, Harriet; I protest that is the

greatest Encomium I have heard of the Play yet.

_Heart._ And the justest, Madam.

_Cank._ O intolerable! Monstrous! Shocking! Such Ignorance! (_Aside_)

Pray Madam, not to mention the improbability, where was the Necessity

for a Ladder of Ropes?

_Sir Pat._ What Necessity? Arra why do you ask such a foolish

Question? I'll tell you what Necessity--Why it was put there for the

young Man, the Templer, to go up Stairs into the House.

_Omnes._ Ha, ha, ha, ha!

_Heart._ Very well explained, Sir Patrick; it is a proper Answer.

_Cank._ But pray, Ladies--I speak to you in particular, who best know

the Nature of the Question I am going to ask--how can you justify the

impoliteness of making Clarinda, a Lady of Fashion and Fortune, in

full dress trudge the streets at twelve o'Clock at Night in

Contradiction to all Reason, Probability, and Politeness?

_Sir Pat._ Poo, poo! That's foolish now. Why what has a Stage Play to

do with Reason and Probability? If a Tragedy makes you laugh and a

Comedy makes you cry, as Mr. Heartly said just now, what would you

have more?

_Omnes._ Ha, ha, ha.

_Sir Pat._ And as to the young Lady's going home a Foot, that is

easily answered. You are to suppose it was a rainy Night and that she

walked home to save Chair hire, because there was never a Coach to be

had.

_Omnes._ Ha, ha, ha.

_Sir Pat._ I am sure it is very natural to walk. I have done so a

hundred times.

_Omnes._ Ha, ha, ha.

_Trif._ My dear Sir Patrick, give me your Hand! Thou art the top

Critick of the Age, let me perish.

_Nib._ Ignorant Wretches!

_Cank._ Was ever Man so tortured with such Fools! (_Aside_)--I hope,

Mr. Heartly, you will not offer to vindicate the Dialogue. There is

not one Attempt to Wit all through the Play, but that about the

Gravestone; the Characters all speak like People in common

Conversation.

_Heart._ I thought that was a Beauty, Mr. Canker.

_Cank._ Yes just as barrenness is in Land. Don't you see, Sir, what

Whicherly and Congreve have done in their Comedies?

_Heart._ Yes Sir, and I know what their Masters, Terence, Plautus,

Moliere, and our own Johnson have done, who thought themselves most

excellent in their Dialogue when they could make their Characters

speak, not what was most witty, but what was most proper to Time,

Place, Character, and Circumstance.

_Lady._ Upon my Word, Mr. Heartly, you are a very accurate Critick,

and I am entirely of your Judgment.

_Cank._ Well, but allowing it all [it] deserves, why must it be

praised so very much?

_Heart._ Because, Sir, Praise is the food, and too often the only

Reward of Merit; and none deny it but the ill natured and the envious.

_Cank._ And none give it but the Ignorant or the Fulsome.

_Heart._ Sir, that is not very Complaisant--pray Sir, who do you mean

by the Ignorant?

_Trif._ Ay, Sir, who is't you mean?

_Sir Pat._ Ay, Sir, who do you mean? I hope you don't mean me.

_Cank._ You, and all of you who like this Piece--You are Men, Fops in

Understanding, catch your Judgments from each other as you do your

Dress, not because they are right, but that they are the Fashion, _and

you make as ridiculous a Figure in Criticism as an Ape in human

Cloathing_.

_Lady._ Give me leave to tell you, Mr. Canker, that you want

Politeness.

_Cank._ Madam, I am sorry your Ladyship obliges me to tell you that

you want Judgment.

_Lady._ Not to see into you, Sir--Your Envy shall never be rude or

troublesome to any of my Family again, I assure you, Sir.

_Cank._ Nor shall your Ignorance or your Niece's ever be troublesome

to me again; I would as soon Match into a Family of Hottentots.

_Lady._ O mighty well, Sir!--Harriet, I desire you will never think of

Mr. Canker more.

_Har._ I shall obey your Commands, Madam.

_Lady._ Want Judgment! A Family of Hottentots!

_Sir Pat._ Upon my Honour that was unpolite--and you might as well say

I want Judgment.

_Trif._ Ay, by Gad, or I.

_Cank._ You are those kind of Judges who are brought into the Channel

of Criticism by the Springtide of Fashion, part of the Rubbish which

helps to swell it above the Mark of Truth, and with its Ebb, return as

precipitately as you came in, and are never heard of more.

_Trif._ Dullness seize me! If I understand what you mean by your

Springtide, your Fashion, and your Rubbish--I insist upon the Play,

[it] is a good Play--quite tip top, the best Play in life, split me!

_Sir Pat._ Faith, so it is, Mr. Trifle, a very good Play, for the

Author told me so himself--and you know it must be good when I had it

from his own Mouth.

_Lady._ Did you ever see the Author, Sir Patrick?

_Sir Pat._ No, Madam, but I had it at second hand, from a third

Parson, and that's the same thing, you know.

_Omnes._ Ha! ha! ha!

(_Enter a_ FOOTMAN)

_Foot._ Mr. Advocate the Lawyer is come; he bid me inform your

Ladyship that the Writings are ready.

_Lady._ Very well. (_Exit Footman_) We shall [have] no Occasion for

them tonight nor never in regard to Mr. Canker.

_Heart._ I protest, Madam, this Hour's Conversation and its

Circumstances, tolerably handled, would make, a la mode a Francaise,

an agreeable Petit Piece.

_Lady._ Not a bad thought, I vow, Mr. Heartly.

_Heart._ Shall I recommend it to your Ladyship? I know your Talents

for the Drama, and I'll answer for its Success.

_Trif._ And so will I by Jupiter; my Lady, we'll make a party on

purpose to support it.

_Sir Pat._ And so will I by all the Gods in Virgil's Iliad! O I'll

come alone with a hundred Catcalls of my Acquaintance to support it.

_Heart._ Shall we prevail on your Ladyship?

_Lady._ Upon my Honour, I don't dislike the Whim, if you will promise

your Assistance, Mr. Heartly.

_Heart._ Your Ladyship does me Honour; you may command me and Mr.

Canker shall be the Hero.

_Lady._ Really I am afraid his Character is so very high that the

Audience will never allow it to be natural.

_Heart._ That part of the Audience who would know the Copy by

themselves might condemn it through Policy as being exaggerated, but

the Candid and Judicious who could not be hurt by it and who know the

Nature of Envy would approve it. Besides Farce will admit of

Characters being a little outre.

_Lady._ I protest you are a mighty good Critick, Mr. Heartly, but I am

afraid we shall want Plot in our Petit Piece, Mr. Heartly.

_Heart._ Not at all, my Lady! There is no great Demand for Plot in a

Farce, but to please the Criticks we'll have a little. The main

Business must be the exposing an envious Author, and the Plot must be

to provoke his Envy to neglect his Mistress and to quarrel with your

Ladyship, the Poetical Justice of which must be your breaking off the

intended Match, and giving me his Mistress, who am to be his Rival;

and as the Piece is to be a temporary thing, I dare say the Audience

will make reasonable Allowances.

_Lady._ I vow I like the Contrivance mightily, and I think there's

something very Singular and very Novel.

_Trif._ And pray, Heartly, what part shall I have in it?

_Heart._ You shall be the Jack Maggot of the Farce, which shall be so

trifling that you may be either kept in or left out.

_Sir Pat._ And what part shall I have in your Play, Mr. Heartly?

_Heart._ Really, Sir Patrick, I know no Business you can have in it,

unless it be to make the Audience laugh.

_Sir Pat._ Faith then I have a good Hand at that--for I am so very

witty that I always make Company laugh wherever I come.

_Nib._ Mr. Heartly, give me leave to tell you your Farce will never

succeed, for your Characters will be too high for that Species of the

Drama, and not half ridiculous enough.

_Heart._ To remedy that, Sir, we will bring in your Character at the

End of the Farce as a Satyr upon all Criticks who find fault with

Trifles.

_Trif._ Ha, ha, admirable! That will be delightful! Quite tip top or

may I perish, ha.

_Lady._ Pray what shall we call our little Piece, Mr. Heartly?

_Heart._ Why really, Madam, I can't think of any Title better at

present than the New Play Criticized, or the Plague of Envy.

(_Enter_ FOOTMAN)

_Foot._ Sir Charles Stanza and another Gentleman are come to wait on

your Ladyship.

_Lady._ Come Gentlemen, let us go and tell Sir Charles and the Author

of our Design; so if you please, Mr. Canker, you may go along with us

and be by at the Planning of our little Piece--No, I know his Envy

won't suffer him to hear us compliment the Author. That would be out

of Character, so we will leave him to consider of an Epilogue for our

Farce.

Rough Draft of an EPILOGUE

(_Enter a_ POET _shabbily dressed_)

Hissed, catcalled, and exploded to a man

By those who cannot write, and those who can,

How shall a recreant bard in nature's spight

Save one poor piece, and live a second night?

What--shall he try the arts of low grimace,

Rant like old Bayes, and with a begging face

Implore the patient monarchs of the Pit

To let dull farce pass off for sterling Wit?

No faith--his brother critics most he fears,

And wisely waves the privilege of Peers--

Nor disapproves he less the threadbare plea

Of wit in rags, and learned Poverty--

If, like a son of those bright nymphs, the Nine

He e'er pr[o]fer a prayer at Phoebus' shrine,

Ask him to dart one genial beam on Earth

To hatch the Nothing of his Brain to birth,

That prayer or never comes, or comes too late;

The Nine still hold him illegitimate.--

In this Distress where next his application?

Where, but to thee thou darling Goddess, Fashion!

Fashion, the reigning Genius of today

Whose verdict speaks the fate of each new play,

Whose _mandate_ gives the power to save or kill,

Lends Amoret her eyes and Ward his pill;

If Fashion, mighty arbiter of merit,

Allows it, right or wrong, some wit and spirit,

Then shall this farce like other farces too

Run eighteen nights or more and still be new;

Each different night, a different audience meet,

And Hawkers cry it up in evr'y Street.

NB. This will damn the piece![8]

NOTES TO THE PLAYS

1. Larpent ms 58 is dated April, 1746, in another hand and bears the

following note to the Licenser: "April 15th, 1746. Sir, I have given

Mrs. Macklin leave to act this farce for her Benefit provided it meets

with the Approbation of my Lord Chamberlain. Your humble Servant. J.

Lacy."

2. Smart is addressed as Dick in this speech in the ms. Three

speeches later Rattle is addressed as Jack. Elsewhere in the ms. it

is Jack Smart and Dick Rattle.

3. The following line, "You may feel it if you please." is crossed

out in the ms.

4. The following phrase, "and most liable to be hurt" is crossed out

in the ms.

5. Larpent ms 64 is dated "March 17th, 1746/7" and bears the

following note to the Licenser: "Sir--I have given Mr. Macklin leave

to perform this Piece at His Benefit at my Theatre, provided it meets

with the Approbation of my Lord Chamberlain, from your most obedient

Humble Servant, J. Lacy."

6. A "Prologue to the Plague of Envy" addressed in another hand to

"Mr. Macklin in Bow Street, Covent Garden," is included with Larpent

ms. 64. The Prologue is preceded by the following note: "The following

is taken from the Title of the Farce; the Writer for the Subject on

the Stage; and hopes his Ignorance of the Manner in which you treat

it, will excuse any Want of Approbation that may be in it."

7. Spelled _Tom_ in the ms. Elsewhere Trifle is addressed as _Tim_

Trifle.

8. The Epilogue, in a different hand than that of the play's scribe,

appears similar to the handwriting of the Prologue. Cf. n.6

9. Larpent ms 96 is dated 1752 and bears the following note to the

Licenser: "Sir, This piece called Covent Garden Theatre or Pasquin

turned Drawcansir Mr. Macklin designs to have performed at his Benefit

Night with the permission of his Grace the Duke of Grafton. I am Sir

your humble Servant, Jno. C. Rich. To William Chetwyne Esq."

10. This character, spelled "Romp" in the ms, is probably meant to be

the Prompter who does not appear in the Dramatis Personae but speaks

twice offstage in this act.

11. Although Hic and Haec Scriblerus appear in the Dramatis Personae,

this is his only speech and his entrance on stage is never indicated.

THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY

WILLIAM ANDREWS CLARK MEMORIAL LIBRARY

UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA. LOS ANGELES

PUBLICATIONS IN PRINT

1948-1949

16. Henry Nevil Payne, _The Fatal Jealousie_ (1673).

18. Anonymous, "Of Genius," in _The Occasional Paper_, Vol. III,

No. 10 (1719), and Aaron Hill, _Preface to The Creation_ (1720).

1949-1950

19. Susanna Centlivre, _The Busie Body_ (1709).

20. Lewis Theobald, _Preface to the Works of Shakespeare_ (1734).

22. Samuel Johnson, _The Vanity of Human Wishes_ (1749), and two

_Rambler_ papers (1750).

23. John Dryden, _His Majesties Declaration Defended_ (1681).

1950-1951

26. Charles Macklin, _The Man of the World_ (1792).

1951-1952

31. Thomas Gray, _An Elegy Wrote in a Country Churchyard_ (1751), and

_The Eton College Manuscript_.

1952-1953

41. Bernard Mandeville, _A Letter to Dion_ (1732).

1962-1963

98. _Select Hymns Taken Out of Mr. Herbert's Temple_ (1697).

1963-1964

104. Thomas D'Urfey, _Wonders in the Sun; or, The Kingdom of the

Birds_ (1706).

1964-1965

110. John Tutchin, _Selected Poems_ (1685-1700).

111. Anonymous, _Political Justice_ (1736).

112. Robert Dodsley, _An Essay on Fable_ (1764).

113. T. R., _An Essay Concerning Critical and Curious Learning_

(1698).

114. _Two Poems Against Pope_: Leonard Welsted, _One Epistle to Mr. A.

Pope_ (1730), and Anonymous, _The Blatant Beast_ (1742).

1965-1966

115. Daniel Defoe and others, _Accounts of the Apparition of Mrs.

Veal_.

116. Charles Macklin, _The Covent Garden Theatre_ (1752).

117. Sir George L'Estrange, _Citt and Bumpkin_ (1680).

118. Henry More, _Enthusiasmus Triumphatus_ (1662).

119. Thomas Traherne, _Meditations on the Six Days of the Creation_

(1717).

120. Bernard Mandeville, _Aesop Dress'd or a Collection of Fables_

(1704).

1966-1967

122. James MacPherson, _Fragments of Ancient Poetry_ (1760).

123. Edmond Malone, _Cursory Observations on the Poems Attributed to

Mr. Thomas Rowley_ (1782).

124. Anonymous, _The Female Wits_ (1704).

125. Anonymous, _The Scribleriad_ (1742). Lord Hervey, _The Difference

Between Verbal and Practical Virtue_ (1742).

126. _Le Lutrin: an Heroick Poem, Written Originally in French by

Monsieur Boileau: Made English by N. O._ (1682).

Subsequent publications may be checked in the annual prospectus.

Publications #1 through 90, of the first fifteen years of Augustan

Reprint Society, are available in bound units at $14.00 per unit of

six from:

KRAUS REPRINT CORPORATION

16 East 46th Street

New York, N.Y. 10017

Publications in print are available at the regular membership rate of

$5.00 yearly. Prices of single issues may be obtained upon request.

William Andrews Clark Memorial Library: University of California, Los

Angeles

THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY

_General Editors_: George Robert Guffey, University of California, Los

Angeles; Maximillian E. Novak, University of California, Los Angeles;

Robert Vosper, William Andrews Clark Memorial Library.

_Corresponding Secretary_: Mrs. Edna C. Davis, William Andrews Clark

Memorial Library.

The Society's purpose is to publish reprints (usually facsimile

reproductions) of rare seventeenth and eighteenth century works. All

income of the Society is devoted to defraying costs of publication and

mailing.

Correspondence concerning memberships in the United States and Canada

should be addressed to the William Andrews Clark Memorial Library,

2520 Cimarron St., Los Angeles, California. Correspondence concerning

editorial matters may be addressed to any of the general editors at

the same address. Manuscripts of introductions should conform to the

recommendations of the MLA _Style Sheet_. The membership fee is $5.00

a year in the United States and Canada and 30/- in Great Britain and

Europe. British and European prospective members should address B. H.

Blackwell, Broad Street, Oxford, England. Copies of back issues in

print may be obtained from the Corresponding Secretary.

PUBLICATIONS FOR 1967-1968

127-128. Charles Macklin, _A Will and No Will, or a Bone for the

Lawyers_ (1746). _The New Play Criticiz'd, or The Plague of Envy_

(1747). Introduction by Jean B. Kern.

129. Lawrence Echard, Prefaces to _Terence's Comedies_ (1694) and

_Plautus's Comedies_ (1694). Introduction by John Barnard.

130. Henry More, _Democritus Platonissans_ (1646). Introduction

by P. G. Stanwood.

131. John Evelyn, _The History of ... Sabatai Sevi ... The Suppos'd

Messiah of the Jews_ (1669). Introduction by Christopher W. Grose.

132. Walter Harte, _An Essay on Satire, Particularly on the Dunciad_

(1730). Introduction by Thomas B. Gilmore.

ANNOUNCEMENTS:

Next in the series of special publications by the Society will be a

volume including Elkanah Settle's _The Empress of Morocco_ (1673) with

six plates; _Notes and Observations on the Empress of Morocco_ (1674)

by John Dryden, John Crowne and Thomas Shadwell; _Notes and

Observations on the Empress of Morocco Revised_ (1674) by Elkanah

Settle; and _The Empress of Morocco. A Farce_ (1674) by Thomas Duffet,

with an Introduction by Maximillian E. Novak. Already published in

this series are reprints of John Ogilby's _The Fables of Aesop

Paraphras'd in Verse_ (1668), with an Introduction by Earl Miner and

John Gay's _Fables_ (1727, 1738), with an Introduction by Vinton A.

Dearing. Publication is assisted by funds from the Chancellor of the

University of California, Los Angeles. Price to members of the

Society, $2.50 for the first copy and $3.25 for additional copies.

Price to non-members, $4.00.

THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY

William Andrews Clark Memorial Library

2520 CIMARRON STREET AT WEST ADAMS BOULEVARD, LOS ANGELES,

CALIFORNIA 90018

Make check or money order payable to THE REGENTS OF THE UNIVERSITY

OF CALIFORNIA.