_Which gives a further account of Sancho Panza's behaviour in his
government_.
The history informs us that Sancho was conducted from the court of
justice to a sumptuous palace, where, in a spacious room, he found the
cloth laid, and a magnificent entertainment prepared. As soon as he
entered, the wind-music played, and four pages waited on him with
water for washing his hands, which he did with a great deal of
gravity. The instruments ceasing, Sancho sat down at the upper end of
the table; for there was no seat but there, and the cloth was only
laid for one. A certain personage, who afterwards appeared to be a
physician, came and stood at his elbow, with a whalebone wand in his
hand. Then they took off a curious white cloth that lay over the
dishes on the table, and discovered a great variety of fruit and other
eatables. One that looked like a student said grace; a page put a
laced cloth under Sancho's chin; and another set a dish of fruit
before him. But he had hardly put one bit into his mouth before the
physician touched the dish with his wand, and then it was taken away
by a page in an instant. Immediately another, with meat, was put in
the place; but Sancho no sooner offered to taste it than the doctor,
with the wand, conjured it away as fast as the fruit. Sancho was
amazed at this sudden removal, and, looking about him on the company,
asked them, "Whether the dinner was only to shew off their sleight of
hand." "My Lord Governor," answered the physician, "you are to eat
here no otherwise than according to the use and custom of other
islands where there are governors. I am a doctor of physic, my lord,
and have a salary allowed me in this island for taking charge of the
governor's health, and I am more careful of it than of my own,
studying night and day his constitution, that I may know what to
prescribe when he falls sick. Now the chief thing I do is, to attend
him always at his meals, to let him eat what I think convenient for
him, and to prevent his eating what I imagine to be prejudicial to his
health. Therefore I ordered the fruit to be taken away, because it is
too cold and moist; and the other dish, because it is as much too hot,
and overseasoned with spices, which are apt to increase thirst; and he
that drinks much destroys and consumes the radical moisture, which is
the fuel of life." "So, then," quoth Sancho, "this dish of roasted
partridges here can do me no manner of harm." "Hold," said the
physician, "the Lord Governor shall not eat of them while I live to
prevent it." "Why so?" cried Sancho. "Because," answered the doctor,
"our great master, Hippocrates, the north-star and luminary of physic,
says, in one of his aphorisms, _Omnis saturatio mala, perdicis autem
pessima_; that is, 'All repletion is bad, but that of partridges is
worst of all.'" "If it be so," said Sancho, "let Mr. Doctor see which
of all these dishes on the table will do me the most good and least
harm, and let me eat of that, without having it whisked away with his
wand. For, by my hopes, and the pleasures of government, as I live I
am ready to die with hunger; and, not to allow me to eat my victuals
(let Mr. Doctor say what he will) is the way to shorten my life, and
not to lengthen it." "Very true, my lord," replied the physician;
"however, I am of opinion you ought not to eat of these rabbits; nor
would I have you taste that veal. Indeed, if it were neither roasted
nor pickled, something might be said; but as it is, it must not be."
"Well, then," said Sancho, "what think you of that huge dish yonder
that smokes so? I take it to be an olla podrida; and that being a
hodge-podge of so many sorts of victuals, sure I cannot but light upon
something there that will be both wholesome and pleasant." "_Absit_,"
cried the doctor, "far be such an ill thought from us; no diet in the
world yields worse nutriment than those mishmashes do. Simple
medicines are generally allowed to be better than compounds; for, in a
composition, there may happen a mistake by the unequal proportion of
the ingredients; but simples are not subject to that accident.
Therefore, what I would advise at present, as a fit diet for the
governor for the preservation and support of his health, is a hundred
of small wafers, and a few thin slices of marmalade, to strengthen his
stomach and help digestion." Sancho hearing this, leaned back upon his
chair, and, looking earnestly in the doctor's face, very seriously
asked him what his name was, and where he had studied? "My lord,"
answered he, "I am called Doctor Pedro Rezio de Aguero. The name of
the place where I was born is Tirteafuera, and lies between Caraquel
and Almodabar del Campo, on the right hand; and I took my degree of
doctor in the University of Ossuna." "Hark you," said Sancho, in a
mighty chafe, "Mr. Doctor Pedro Rezio de Aguero, take yourself away!
Avoid the room this moment, or assuredly I'll get me a good cudgel,
and, beginning with your carcass, will so belabour and rib-roast all
the physic-mongers in the island, that I will not leave therein one of
the tribe,--of those, I mean, that are ignorant quacks;--for as for
learned and wise physicians, I will make much of them, and honour them
like so many angels. Once more, Pedro Rezio, I say, get out of my
presence! Avaunt! or I will take the chair I sit upon, and comb your
head with it to some purpose, and let me be called to an account about
it when I give up my office; I do not care, I will clear myself by
saying I did the world good service, in ridding it of a bad physician,
the plague of a commonwealth. Let me eat, I say, or let them take
their government again; for an office that will not afford a man his
victuals is not worth two horse-beans." The physician was terrified,
seeing the governor in such a heat, and would at once have slunk out
of the room, had not the sound of a post-horn in the street been heard
that moment; whereupon the steward, immediately looking out of the
window, turned back and said there was an express come from the duke,
doubtless with some despatch of importance.
Presently the messenger entered, with haste and concern in his looks,
and pulling a packet out of his bosom, delivered it to the governor.
Sancho gave it to the steward, and ordered him to read the direction,
which was this: "To Don Sancho Panza, governor of the island of
Barataria, to be delivered into his own hands, or those of his
secretary." "Who is my secretary?" cried Sancho. "It is I, my lord,"
answered one that was standing by; "for I can write and read, and am a
Biscayner." "That last qualification is enough to make thee set up for
secretary to the emperor himself," said Sancho. "Open the letter,
then, and see what it says." The new secretary did so, and having
perused the despatch by himself, told the governor that it was a
business that was to be told only in private. Sancho ordered every one
to leave the room, except the steward and the carver, and then the
secretary read what follows.
"I have received information, my Lord Don Sancho Panza, that some of
our enemies intend to attack your island with great fury one of these
nights: you ought, therefore, to be watchful, and stand upon your
guard, that you may not be found unprovided. I have also had
intelligence from faithful spies, that there are four men got into the
town in disguise, to murder you; your abilities being regarded as a
great obstacle to the enemy's designs. Look about you, take heed how
you admit strangers to speak with you, and eat nothing sent you as a
present. I will take care to send you assistance, if you stand in
need of it. And in every thing I rely on your prudence. From our
castle, the 16th of August, at four in the morning.
"Your friend,
"THE DUKE."
Sancho was astonished at the news, and those that were with him were
no less concerned. But at last, turning to the steward, "I will tell
you," said he, "what is first to be done in this case, and that with
all speed. Clap that same Doctor Rezio in a dungeon; for if any body
has a mind to kill me, it must be he, and that with a lingering death,
the worst of deaths, hunger-starving." "However," said the carver, "I
am of opinion your honour ought not to eat any of the things that
stand here before you; for they were sent in by some of the convents,
and it is a common saying, 'The devil lurks behind the cross.'" "Which
nobody can deny," quoth Sancho; "and therefore let me have, for the
present, but a luncheon of bread, and some four pounds of raisins;
there can be no poison in that; for, in short, I cannot live without
eating; and, if we must be in readiness against these battles, we had
need be well victualled. Meanwhile, secretary, do you send my lord
duke an answer, and tell him his order shall be fulfilled in every
part. Remember me kindly to my lady, and beg of her not to forget to
send one on purpose with my letter and bundle to Teresa Panza, my
wife; which I shall take as a special favour, and I will be mindful to
serve her to the best of my power. And, when your hand is in, you may
crowd in my service to my master Don Quixote de la Mancha, that he may
see I am neither forgetful nor ungrateful. The rest I leave to you;
put in what you will, and do your part like a good secretary and a
staunch Biscayner. Now, take away here, and bring me something to eat;
and then you shall see I am able to deal with all the spies, wizards,
and cut-throat dogs, that dare to meddle with me and my island."
At that time a page entering the room, "My lord," said he, "there is a
countryman without desires to speak with your lordship about business
of great consequence." "It is a strange thing," cried Sancho, "that
one must be still plagued with these men of business! Is it possible
they should be such sots as not to understand this is not a time for
business? Do they fancy that we governors and distributors of justice
are made of iron and marble, and have no need of rest and refreshment
like other creatures of flesh and blood? If my government does but
last, as I shrewdly guess it will not, I will get some of these men of
business laid by the heels. Well, for once, let the fellow come in;
but first take heed he be not one of the spies or ruffian rogues that
would murder me." "As for that," said the page, "I dare say he had no
hand in the plot; poor soul, he looks as if he could not help it;
there is no more harm in him, seemingly, than in a piece of good
bread." "There is no need to fear," said the steward, "since we are
all here by you." "But, hark you," quoth Sancho, "now Doctor Rezio is
gone, might not I eat something that has some substance in it, though
it were but a crust and an onion?" "At night," answered the carver,
"your honour shall have no cause to complain; supper shall make amends
for the want of your dinner."
Now the countryman came in, and, by his looks, seemed to be a good,
harmless soul. "Which is my lord governor?" quoth he. "Who but he that
sits in the chair?" answered the secretary. "I humble myself to his
worship's presence," quoth the fellow; and with that, falling on his
knees, begged to kiss his hand, which Sancho refused, but bid him
rise, and tell him what he had to say. The countryman then got up: "My
lord," said he, "I am a husbandman of Miguel Turra, a town some two
leagues from Ciudad-Real." "Here is another Tirteafuera," quoth
Sancho; "well, go on, friend, I know the place full well; it is not
far from our town." "If it please you," said the countryman, "my
business is this: I was married, by Heaven's mercy, in the face of our
holy mother the church, and I have two boys that take their learning
at the college; the youngest studies to become a bachelor, and the
eldest to be a master of arts. I am a widower, because my wife is
dead; she died, if it please you, or, to speak more truly, she was
killed, as one may say, by a doctor. Now, sir, I must tell you,"
continued the farmer, "that that son of mine, the bachelor of arts
that is to be, fell in love with a maiden of our town, Clara Perlerino
by name, the daughter of Andrew Perlerino, a mighty rich farmer; and
Perlerino is not the right name neither; but, because the whole
generation of them is troubled with the palsy, they used to be called,
from the name of that complaint, Perlaticos, but now they go by that
of Perlerino; and truly it fits the young woman rarely, for she is a
precious pearl for beauty, especially if you stand on her right side
and view her: she looks like a flower in the fields. On the left,
indeed, she does not look altogether so well; for there she wants an
eye, which she lost by the small-pox, that has digged many pits
somewhat deep all over her face; but those that wish her well, say
that is nothing, and that those pits are so many graves to bury
lovers' hearts in. I hope my lord governor will pardon me for dwelling
thus on the picture, seeing it is merely out of my hearty love and
affection for the girl." "Prithee, go on as long as thou wilt," said
Sancho; "I am mightily taken with thy discourse; and, if I had but
dined, I would not desire a better dessert." "Alas, sir, all I have
said is nothing; could I set before your eyes her pretty carriage, and
her shape, you would admire. But that is not to be done."
"So far so good," said Sancho; "but let us suppose you have drawn her
from head to foot; what is it you would be at now? Come to the point,
friend, without so many windings and turnings, and going round about
the bush." "Sir," said the farmer, "I would desire your honour to do
me the kindness to give me a letter of accommodation to the father of
my daughter-in-law, beseeching him to be pleased to let the marriage
be fulfilled, seeing we are not unlike neither in estate nor bodily
concerns; for to tell you the truth, my lord governor, my son is
bewitched; and having once had the ill-luck to fall into the fire, the
skin of his face is shrivelled up like a piece of parchment, and his
eyes are somewhat sore and full of rheum. But, when all is said, he
has the temper of an angel; and were he not apt to thump and belabour
himself now and then in his fits, you would take him to be a saint."
"Have you any thing else to ask, honest man?" said Sancho. "Only one
thing more," quoth the farmer; "but I am somewhat afraid to speak it;
yet I cannot find in my heart to let it rot within me; and, therefore,
I must out with it. I would desire your worship to bestow on me some
three hundred or six hundred ducats towards my bachelor's portion,
only to help him to begin the world and furnish him a house; for, in
short, they would live by themselves, without being subject to the
impertinencies of a father-in-law." "Well," said Sancho, "see if you
would have any thing else; if you would, do not let fear or
bashfulness be your hindrance. Out with it, man." "No, truly," quoth
the farmer; and he had scarcely spoken the words when the governor,
starting up, and laying hold of the chair he sat on, "You brazen-faced
impudent country booby!" cried he, "get out of my presence this
moment, or I will crack your jolter-head with this chair! You
vagabond, dost thou come at this time of day to ask me for six hundred
ducats? Where should I have them, clod-pate? And if I had them, why
should I give them thee? What care I for Miguel Turra, or all the
generation of the Perlerinos? Avoid the room, I say, or I'll be as
good as my word. It is not a day and a half that I have been governor,
and thou wouldst have me possess six hundred ducats already!"
The steward made signs to the farmer to withdraw, and he went out
accordingly hanging down his head, and to all appearance very much
afraid lest the governor should make good his angry threats; for the
cunning knave knew very well how to act his part. But let us leave
Sancho in his angry mood; and let there be peace and quietness, while
we return to Don Quixote, whom we left with his face covered over with
plasters, the scratches which he had got having obliged him to no less
than eight days' retirement; during which time there happened that
which we promise to relate with the same punctuality and veracity with
which all the particulars of this history are detailed.