_What passed between the Curate, the Barber, and Don Quixote,
concerning his indisposition._
The curate and the barber were almost a whole month without paying Don
Quixote a visit, lest, calling to mind his former extravagances, he
might take occasion to renew them. However, they failed not every day
to see his niece and his housekeeper, whom they charged to treat and
cherish him with great care, and to give him such diet as might be
most proper to cheer his heart and comfort his brain, whence, in all
likelihood, his disorder wholly proceeded. They answered, that they
did so, and would continue it to their utmost power; the rather
because they observed that sometimes he seemed to be in his right
senses. This news was very welcome to the curate and the barber, who
looked on this amendment as an effect of their contrivance in bringing
him home in the enchanted waggon, as already recorded. Thereupon they
resolved to pay him a visit, and make trial themselves of the progress
of a cure, which they thought almost impossible. They also agreed not
to speak a word of knight-errantry, lest they should endanger a wound
so lately closed and so tender. Don Quixote received them very
civilly, and when they inquired of his health, gave them an account of
his condition, expressing himself very handsomely, and with a great
deal of judgment. After they had discoursed a while of several
matters, they fell at last on state affairs and forms of government,
correcting this grievance, and condemning that, reforming one custom,
rejecting another, and establishing new laws, as if they had been the
Lycurguses or Solons of the age, till they had refined and new
modelled the commonwealth at such a rate, that they seemed to have
clapped it into a forge, and drawn it out wholly different from what
it was before. Don Quixote reasoned with so much discretion on every
subject, that his two visitors now undoubtedly believed him in his
right senses.
His niece and housekeeper were present at these discourses, and,
hearing him give so many marks of sound understanding, thought they
could never return Heaven sufficient thanks for so extraordinary a
blessing. But the curate, who wondered at this strange amendment,
being resolved to try whether Don Quixote was perfectly recovered,
thought fit to alter the resolution he had taken to avoid entering
into any discourse of knight-errantry; and therefore began to talk to
him of news, and, among the rest, that it was credibly reported at
court, that the Grand Seignior was advancing with a vast army, and
nobody knew where the tempest would fall; that all Christendom was
alarmed, as it used to be almost every year; and that the king was
providing for the security of the coasts of Sicily and Naples, and the
island of Malta. "His majesty," said Don Quixote, "acts the part of a
most prudent warrior, in putting his dominions betimes in a posture of
defence; but yet, if my counsel were to be taken in this matter, I
would advise another sort of preparation, which, I fancy, his majesty
little thinks of at present." Thereupon they both desired Don Quixote
to communicate to them this mighty project of his; "for," said they,
"who knows but, after all, it may be one of those that ought only to
find a place in the list of impertinent admonitions usually given to
princes?" "No, good Mr. Trimmer," answered Don Quixote, "my projects
are not impertinent, but highly advisable." "I meant no harm in what I
said, sir," replied the barber; "only we generally find most of those
projects that are offered to the king are either impracticable or
whimsical, or tend to the detriment of the king or kingdom." "But
mine," said Don Quixote, "is neither impossible nor ridiculous; far
from that, it is the most easy, the most thoroughly weighed, and the
most concise, that ever can be devised by man." "Methinks you are too
long before you let us know it, sir," said the curate. "To deal freely
with you," replied Don Quixote, "I should be loath to tell it you here
now, and have it reach the ear of some privy-counsellor to-morrow, and
so afterwards see the fruit of my invention reaped by somebody else."
"As for me," said the barber, "I give you my word here, and in the
face of heaven, never to tell it, either to king, queen, or any
earthly man." "Well, then," cried Don Quixote, "what has the king to
do more, but to cause public proclamation to be made, enjoining all
the knights-errant that are dispersed in this kingdom to make their
personal appearance at court, upon a certain day? For though but half
a dozen should meet, there may be some one among them who, even alone,
might be able to destroy the whole united force of Turkey. For pray
observe well what I say, gentlemen. Do you look upon it as a new thing
for one knight-errant alone to rout an army of two hundred thousand
men, with as much ease as if all of them joined together had but one
throat, or were made of sugar-paste? You know how many histories are
full of these wonders." "Alas!" said the niece, hearing this, "I will
lay my life my uncle has still a hankering after knight-errantry." "I
will die a knight-errant," cried Don Quixote; "and so let the Turks
land where they please, how they please, and when they please, and
with all the forces they can muster." "Gentlemen," said the barber, "I
beg leave to tell you a short story of somewhat that happened at
Seville; indeed it falls out as pat as if it had been made for our
present purpose, and so I have a great mind to tell it." Don Quixote
gave consent, the curate and the rest of the company were willing to
hear; and thus the barber begun:--
"A certain person being distracted, was put into the mad-house at
Seville. He had studied the civil law, and taken his degrees at
Ossuna; though, had he taken them at Salamanca, many are of opinion
that he would have been mad too. After some years spent in this
confinement, he was pleased to fancy himself in his right senses; and,
upon this, wrote to the archbishop, beseeching him, with all the
colour of reason imaginable, to release him by his authority, since,
by the mercy of Heaven, he was wholly freed from his disorder; only
his relations, he said, kept him in, in order to enjoy his estate,
designing, in spite of truth, to have him mad to his dying day. The
archbishop, persuaded by many letters which he wrote to him, all
penned with sense and judgment, ordered one of his chaplains to
inquire into the truth of the matter, and also to discourse with the
party, that he might set him at large, in case he found him of sound
mind. Thereupon the chaplain went, and having asked the governor what
condition the graduate was in, was answered that he was still mad;
that sometimes, indeed, he would talk like a man of excellent sense,
but presently after he would relapse into his former extravagances,
which, at least, balanced all his rational talk, as he himself might
find if he pleased to discourse with him. The chaplain, resolved to
make the experiment, went to the madman, and conversed with him above
an hour, and in all that time could not perceive the least disorder in
his brain; far from that, he delivered himself with so much
sedateness, and gave such pertinent answers to every question, that
the chaplain was obliged to believe him sound in his understanding;
nay, he went so far as to make a complaint against his keeper,
alleging, that, for the lucre of those presents which his relations
sent him, he represented him as one who was still distracted, and had
only now and then lucid intervals. In short, he pleaded in such a
manner, that the keeper was suspected, his relations censured as
covetous and unnatural, and he himself thought master of so much
sense, that the chaplain resolved to take him along with him, that the
archbishop might be able to satisfy himself in person. The credulous
chaplain therefore desired the governor to give the graduate the habit
which he had brought with him at his first coming. The governor used
every argument to dissuade the chaplain from his design, assuring him
that the man was still disordered in his brain. But he could not
prevail with him to leave the madman any longer, and therefore was
forced to comply with the archbishop's order, and returned the man his
habit, which was neat and decent.
"Having put off his madman's clothes, and finding himself in the garb
of rational creatures, he begged of the chaplain, for charity's sake,
to permit him to take leave of his late companions in affliction. The
chaplain told him he would bear him company, having a mind to see the
mad folks in the house. So they went up stairs, and with them some
other people that stood by. Presently the graduate came to a kind of a
cage, where lay a man that was outrageously mad, though at that
instant still and quiet; and addressing himself to him, 'Brother,'
said he, 'have you any service to command me? I am just going to my
own house, thanks be to Heaven, which, of its infinite goodness and
mercy, has restored me to my senses. Be of good comfort, and put your
trust in God, who will, I hope, be equally merciful to you. I will be
sure to send you some choice victuals, which I would have you eat by
all means; for I must needs tell you, that I have reason to imagine
from my own experience, that all our madness proceeds from keeping our
stomachs empty of food, and our brains full of wind.' Just over
against that room lay another madman, who, having listened with an
envious attention to all this discourse, starts up from an old mat on
which he lay: 'Who is that,' cried he aloud, 'that is going away so
well recovered and so wise?' 'It is I, brother, that am going,'
replied the graduate; 'I have now no need to stay here any longer; for
which blessing I can never cease to return my humble and hearty thanks
to the infinite goodness of Heaven.' 'Doctor,' quoth the madman, 'have
a care what you say, and let not the devil delude you. Stir not a
foot, but keep snug in your old lodging, and save yourself the
vexation of being brought back to your kennel.' 'Nay,' answered the
other, 'I will warrant you there will be no occasion for my coming
hither again, I know I am perfectly well.' 'You well!' cried the
madman; 'we shall soon see that. Farewell; but by the sovereign
Jupiter, whose majesty I represent on earth, for this very crime alone
that Seville has committed in setting thee at large, affirming that
thou art sound in thy intellects, I will take such a severe revenge on
the whole city, that it shall be remembered with terror from age to
age. Dost thou not know, my poor brainless thing in a gown, that this
is in my power? I, that am the thundering Jove, that grasp in my hands
the red-hot bolts of heaven, with which I keep the threatened world in
awe, and might reduce it all to ashes? But stay, I will commute the
fiery punishment which this ignorant town deserves into another: I
will only shut up the flood-gates of the skies, so that there shall
not fall a drop of rain upon this city, nor on all the neighbouring
country round about it, for three years together, to begin from the
very moment that gives date to this my inviolable execration. Thou
free! thou well, and in thy senses! and I here mad, distempered, and
confined!' As every one there was attentive to these loud and frantic
threats, the graduate turned to the chaplain, and taking him by the
hand: 'Sir,' said he, 'let not that madman's threats trouble you.
Never mind him; for if he be Jupiter, and will not let it rain, I am
Neptune, the parent and god of the waters, and it shall rain as often
as I please, wherever necessity shall require it.' 'However,' answered
the chaplain, 'good Mr. Neptune, it is not convenient to provoke Mr.
Jupiter; therefore be pleased to stay here a little longer; and some
other time, at convenient leisure, I may chance to find a better
opportunity to wait on you, and bring you away.' The keeper and the
rest of the company could not forbear laughing, which put the chaplain
almost out of countenance. In short, Mr. Neptune was disrobed again,
and stayed where he was; and there is an end of my story."
"Well, Master Barber," said Don Quixote, "and this is your tale which
you said came so pat to the present purpose, that you could not
forbear telling it? Ah, Mr. Cutbeard, how blind must he be that cannot
see through a sieve! Is it possible your pragmatical worship should
not know that the comparisons made between wit and wit, courage and
courage, beauty and beauty, birth and birth, are always odious and ill
taken? I am not Neptune, the god of the waters, good Master Barber;
neither do I pretend to set up for a wise man when I am not so. All I
aim at is only to make the world sensible how much they are to blame
in not labouring to revive those most happy times, in which the order
of knight-errantry was in its full glory. But, indeed, this degenerate
age of ours is unworthy the enjoyment of so great a happiness, which
former ages could boast, when knights-errant took upon themselves the
defence of kingdoms, the protection of damsels, the relief of orphans,
the punishment of pride and oppression, and the reward of humility.
Most of your knights, now-a-days, keep a greater rustling with their
sumptuous garments of damask, gold brocade, and other costly stuffs,
than with the coats of mail, which they should glory to wear. No
knight now will lie on the hard ground in the open field exposed to
the injurious air, from head to foot enclosed in ponderous armour.
Where are those now, who, without taking their feet out of the
stirrups, and only leaning on their lances like the knights-errant of
old, strive to disappoint invading sleep, rather than indulge it?
Where is that knight who, having first traversed a spacious forest,
climbed up a steep mountain, and journeyed over a dismal barren shore,
washed by a turbulent tempestuous sea, and finding on the brink a
little skiff, destitute of sails, oars, mast, or any kind of tackling,
is yet so bold as to throw himself into the boat with an undaunted
resolution, and resign himself to the implacable billows of the main
that now mount him to the skies, and then hurry him down to the most
profound recesses of the waters; till, with his insuperable courage
surmounting at last the hurricane, even in its greatest fury, he finds
himself above three thousand leagues from the place where he first
embarked, and leaping ashore in a remote and unknown region, meets
with adventures that deserve to be recorded, not only on parchment,
but on Corinthian brass? But now, alas, sloth and effeminacy triumph
over vigilance and labour; idleness over industry; vice over virtue;
arrogance over valour; and the theory of arms over the practice, that
true practice which only lived and flourished in those golden days,
and among those professors of chivalry. For, where shall we hear of a
knight more valiant and more honourable than the renowned Amadis de
Gaul? Who more discreet than Palmerin of England? Who more affable and
complaisant than Tirante the White? Who more gallant than Lisuarte of
Greece? Who more cut and hacked, or a greater cutter and hacker, than
Don Belianis? Who more intrepid than Perion of Gaul? Who more daring
than Felixmarte of Hyrcania? Who more sincere than Esplandian? Who
more courteous than Ciriongilio of Thrace? Who more brave than
Rodomont? Who more prudent than King Sobrino? Who more desperate than
Rinaldo? Who more invincible than Orlando? And who more agreeable or
more affable than Rogero, from whom (according to Turpin in his
cosmography) the Dukes of Ferrara are descended? All these champions,
Master Curate, and a great many more that I could mention, were
knights-errant, and the very light and glory of chivalry. Now, such as
these are the men I would advise the king to employ; by which means
his majesty would be effectually served, and freed from a vast
expense, and the Turk would tear his very beard for madness. For my
part, I do not design to stay where I am because the chaplain will not
fetch me out; though if Jupiter, as Master Barber said, will send no
rain, here stands one that will, and can rain when he pleases. This I
say, that Goodman Basin here may know I understand his meaning."
"Truly, good sir," said the barber, "I meant no ill; Heaven is my
witness, my intent was good; and therefore I hope your worship will
take nothing amiss." "Whether I ought to take it amiss or no," replied
Don Quixote, "is best known to myself." "Well," said the curate, "I
have hardly spoken a word yet; and before I go, I would gladly be
eased of a scruple, which Don Quixote's words have started within me,
and which grates and gnaws my conscience." "Master Curate may be free
with me in greater matters," said Don Quixote, "and so may well tell
his scruple; for it is no pleasure to have a burden upon one's
conscience." "With your leave then, sir," said the curate, "I must
tell you, that I can by no means prevail with myself to believe, that
all this multitude of knights-errant, which your worship has
mentioned, were ever real men of this world, and true substantial
flesh and blood; but rather, that most of what is said of them is
fable and fiction, lies and dreams, related by men rather half asleep
than awake." "This is indeed another mistake," said Don Quixote, "into
which many have been led, who do not believe there ever were any of
those knights in the world. And in several companies I have many times
had occasion to vindicate that manifest truth from the almost
universal error that is entertained to its prejudice. Sometimes my
success has not been answerable to the goodness of my cause, though
at others it has; being supported on the shoulders of truth, which is
so apparent, that I dare almost say I have seen Amadis de Gaul with
these very eyes. He was a tall comely personage, of a good and lively
complexion, his beard well ordered, though black, his aspect at once
awful and affable; a man of few words, slowly provoked, and quickly
pacified. And as I have given you the picture of Amadis, I fancy I
could readily delineate all the knights-errant that are to be met with
in history."
"Pray, good sir," quoth the barber, "how tall then might the giant
Morgante be?" "Whether there ever were giants or no," answered Don
Quixote, "is a point much controverted among the learned. However,
Holy Writ, that cannot deviate an atom from truth, informs us there
were some, of which we have an instance in the account it gives us of
that huge Philistine, Goliath, who was seven cubits and a half high;
which is a prodigious stature. Besides, in Sicily thigh-bones and
shoulder-bones have been found of so immense a size, that from thence
of necessity we must conclude, by the certain rules of geometry, that
the men to whom they belonged were giants as big as huge steeples.
But, for all this, I cannot positively tell you how big Morgante was,
though I am apt to believe he was not very tall; and that which makes
me inclinable to believe so is, that in the history which gives us a
particular account of his exploits we read that he often used to lie
under a roof. Now if there were any house that could hold him, it is
evident he could not be of so immense a stature."
But here they were interrupted by a noise below in the yard, where the
niece and the housekeeper, who had left them some time before, were
very obstreperous; which made them all hasten to know what was the
matter.