_In which the dispute concerning Mambrino's helmet is decided; with
other adventures that really and truly happened._
"Good sirs," quoth the barber, "hear what these gentlefolks say! They
will have it that this is no basin, but a helmet!" "Ay," said Don
Quixote; "and whoever shall affirm the contrary, I will convince him,
if he be a knight, that he lies, and if a squire, that he lies and
lies again, a thousand times." Our barber, master Nicholas, who was
present, wishing to carry on the jest for the amusement of the
company, addressed himself to the other barber, and said, "Signor
barber, know that I am of your profession, and am well acquainted with
all the instruments of barber-surgery, without exception. I have
likewise been a soldier in my youth, and therefore know what a helmet
is, and I say, with submission, that the piece before us not only is
not a barber's basin, but is as far from being so, as white is from
black and truth from falsehood." "Whether it be or not," said the
priest, "must be left to the decision of Signor Don Quixote: for in
matters of chivalry all these gentlemen and myself submit to his
judgment." "Gentlemen," said Don Quixote, "such extraordinary things
have befallen me in this castle, that I dare not vouch for the
certainty of any thing that it may contain; for I verily believe that
all is conducted by the powers of enchantment."
To those acquainted with Don Quixote, all this was choice
entertainment; while to others it seemed the height of folly, among
which were Don Louis, his servants, and three other guests, troopers
of the holy brotherhood, who just then arrived at the inn. One of the
officers of the holy brotherhood, who had overheard the dispute, cried
out, full of indignation, "It is as surely a basin as my father is my
father; and whosoever says, or shall say, to the contrary, must be mad
or drunk." "You lie like a pitiful scoundrel," answered Don Quixote;
and, lifting up his lance, which was still in his hand, he aimed such
a blow at the head of the trooper, that, had he not slipped aside, he
would have been levelled to the ground. The lance came down with such
fury that it was shivered to pieces. "Help, help the holy
brotherhood!" cried out the other officers. The innkeeper, being
himself one of that body, ran instantly for his wand and his sword, to
support his comrades. Don Louis's servants surrounded their master,
lest he should escape during the confusion. The barber, perceiving the
house turned topsy-turvy, laid hold again of his basin, and Sancho did
the same. Don Quixote drew his sword, and fell upon the troopers; and
Don Louis called out to his servants to leave him, that they might
assist Don Quixote, Cardenio, and Don Fernando, who all took part with
the knight. The priest cried out, the hostess shrieked, her daughter
wept, Maritornes roared, Dorothea was alarmed, Lucinda stood amazed,
and Donna Clara fainted away. The barber cuffed Sancho, and Sancho
pommelled the barber. Don Fernando got one of the troopers down, and
laid on his blows most unmercifully; while the innkeeper bawled aloud
for help to the holy brotherhood. Thus was the whole inn filled with
cries, wailings, and shrieks, dismay, confusion, and terror, kicks,
cudgellings, and effusion of blood. In the midst of this chaos and
hurly-burly, Don Quixote suddenly conceived that he was involved over
head and ears in the discord of King Agramante's camp; and he called
out in a voice which made the whole inn shake, "Hold, all of you! Put
up your swords; be pacified, and listen all to me, if ye would live."
His vehemence made them desist, and he went on, saying: "Did I not
tell you, sirs, that this castle was enchanted, and that some legion
of devils must inhabit it? Behold the confirmation of what I said!
Mark, with your own eyes, how the discord of Agramante's camp is
transferred hither amongst us! there they fight for the sword, here
for the horse, yonder for the eagle, here again for the helmet: we all
fight, and no one understands another. Let, then, my lord judge and
his reverence the priest come forward, the one as King Agramante, the
other as King Sobrino, and restore us to peace; for, truly, it were
most disgraceful and iniquitous that so many gentlemen of our rank
should slay each other for such trivial matters."
Amity and peace having been restored by the interposition of the judge
and the priest, the servants of Don Louis renewed their solicitations
for his return. The judge having, in the mean time, informed Don
Fernando, Cardenio, and the priest, of what had passed between himself
and the young man, he consulted with them on the affair; and it was
finally agreed that Don Fernando should make himself known to Don
Louis's servants, and inform them that it was his desire that the
young gentleman should accompany him to Andalusia, where he would be
treated by the marquis his brother in a manner suitable to his
quality; for his determination was, at all events, not to return, just
at that time, into his father's presence. The servants being apprised
of Don Fernando's rank, and finding Don Louis resolute, agreed among
themselves, that three of them should return to give his father
account of what had passed, and that the others should stay to attend
Don Louis, and not leave him until he knew his lord's pleasure. Thus
was this complicated tumult appeased by the authority of Agramante,
and the prudence of Sobrino.
But the enemy of peace and concord, finding himself foiled and
disappointed in the scanty produce of so promising a field, resolved
to try his fortune once more, by contriving new frays and
disturbances. The officers of the holy brotherhood, on hearing the
quality of their opponents, retreated from the fray, thinking that
whatever might be the issue, they were likely to be losers. But one of
this body, who had been severely handled by Don Fernando, happening to
recollect that, among other warrants in his possession, he had one
against Don Quixote, whom his superiors had ordered to be taken into
custody for releasing galley-slaves, determined to examine whether the
person of Don Quixote answered the description; thus confirming
Sancho's just apprehensions. He drew forth a parchment scroll from his
doublet, and began to read it slowly (for he was not much of a
scholar), ever and anon, as he proceeded, fixing his eyes on Don
Quixote, comparing the marks in his warrant with the lines of his
physiognomy. Finding them exactly to correspond, and being convinced
that he was the very person therein described, he held out the warrant
in his left hand, while with his right, he seized Don Quixote by the
collar with so powerful a grasp as almost to strangle him, at the same
time crying aloud,--"Help the holy brotherhood! and, that you may see
I require it in earnest, read this warrant, wherein it is expressly
ordered that this highway robber should be apprehended." The priest
took the warrant, and found what the trooper said was true; the
description exactly corresponding with the person of Don Quixote. The
knight, finding himself so rudely handled by this scoundrel, was
exasperated to the highest pitch, and, trembling with rage, caught the
trooper by the throat with both hands; and, had he not been
immediately rescued by his comrades, he would certainly have been
strangled. "What my master says is true," exclaimed Sancho, "about the
enchantments of this castle; for it is impossible to live an hour
quietly in it." Don Fernando at length parted the officer and Don
Quixote, and, to the satisfaction of both, unlocked their hands from
the doublet collar of the one, and from the windpipe of the other.
Nevertheless the troopers persisted in claiming their prisoner;
declaring that the king's service, and that of the holy brotherhood,
required it; in whose name they again demanded help and assistance in
apprehending that common robber and highway thief. Don Quixote smiled
at these expressions, and, with great calmness, said, "Come hither,
base and ill-born crew: call ye it robbing on the highway to loosen
the chains of the captive, to set the prisoner free, to succour the
oppressed, to raise the fallen, to relieve the needy and wretched?
Tell me, ye rogues in a troop!--not troopers, but highway marauders,
under license of the holy brotherhood--who was the blockhead that
signed the warrant for apprehending such a knight as I am? What
knight-errant ever paid custom, poll-tax, subsidy, quit-rent,
porterage, or ferry-boat? What tailor ever brought in a bill for
making his clothes? What governor that lodged him in his castle ever
made him pay for his entertainment? What king did not seat him at his
table? Finally, what knight-errant ever did, or shall exist, who has
not courage, with his single arm, to bestow a hundred bastinadoes on
any four hundred troopers of the holy brotherhood who shall dare to
oppose him?"