JANE (_sets table, puts soup, &c., on it_). There's your soup, old
Coddle. Mollycoddle, I calls you!
CODDLE (_aside_). Bless my soul! she's speaking to me, I think. Can it
be possible? Mollycoddle!
JANE. If it war'n't for that tuppenny legacy, old Cod, I'd do my best
to pop you into an asylum for idiots. Yar! (_Exit, C., meets WHITWELL._)
CODDLE. Old Cod! So this is her boasted fidelity, her undying
affection! Why, the faithless, abominable, ungrateful, treacherous
vixen! But her face is enough to show the vile blackness of her heart!
I've suspected her for months. After all my kindness to her, too! And
the money I've bequeathed her. She sha'n't stay another twenty-four
hours in my house. (_Sees WHITWELL._) Nor you either, you swindling
vagabond.
WHITWELL. Hallo, the wind's shifted with a vengeance! (_Shouts._) Thank
you, you're very kind. I accept your suggestion with great pleasure.
CODDLE. Confound his impertinence! (_Bows._) Very sorry I invited you,
you scamp! Hope you'll find my dinner uneatable.
WHITWELL. What can have happened? Does he suspect me? (_Shouts._) Very
true; a lovely prospect indeed.
CODDLE. Bah! the beast! A man as deaf as this fellow (_bows, and points
to table_) should be hanged as a warning. (_Politely._) This is your
last visit here, I assure you.
WHITWELL. If it were only lawful to kick one's father-in-law, I'd do it
on the spot. (_Shouts._) Your unvarying kindness to a mere stranger,
sir, is an honor to human nature.
CODDLE (_points_). Take a chair, sir. (_Pulls away best chair, and goes
for another._) No, no: shot if he shall have the best chair in the
house! If he don't like it, he can lump it.
WHITWELL. Mighty polite! Ah! I see. He's testing me. I'll humor him.
CODDLE (_returns with a stool_). Here's the proper seat for you, you
pig! (_Shouts._) I offer you this with the greatest pleasure.
WHITWELL (_shouts_). Thanks, thanks. (_Drops voice._) You intolerable
old brute!
CODDLE. Ha!
WHITWELL (_bowing politely_). If you're ever my father-in-law, I'll
show you how to treat a gentleman.
CODDLE. His father-in-law! I'll give Eglantine to a coal-heaver
first,--the animal! (_Shouts._) Pray be seated, (_drops voice_) and
choke yourself.
WHITWELL (_shouts_). One gets a very fine appetite after a hard day's
sport. (_Drops voice._) Atrocious old ruffian!