SCENE.--_A parlor handsomely furnished, looking out on a garden;
console in each corner; on one a lamp, a flower-vase on the other;
door in flat, and doors right and left; window at right; gun
standing in corner at left; table in front, left, with magazines,
paper, pens, and ink; at right, front, an easy-chair, and small
work-table, on which is a work-basket and hand-bell._
EGLANTINE (_sits at table, reading_). Oh, what dull trash! (_Throws
magazine down._) Ah, me! I can take no interest even in Trollope.
Life is a blank. (_Comes forward._) Did ever any girl suffer as I do?
Nothing to do, nobody to see,--only father to talk to, and he deaf as
a post! (_Sits and looks at vase of flowers._) Well, I'll not stand
_this_. These flowers have been here four days. Disgraceful! (_Rings._)
Jane! (_Rings again. Enter JANE with a letter, in flat._) Jane, how
_can_ you be so neglectful? Look at these old dead flowers. Throw them
away, and get me fresh at once.
JANE. Yes, miss. Your pa is not here, miss?
EGLANTINE (_jumps up_). No. Is it a caller?
JANE. No, miss: a letter.
EGLANTINE. Only a letter! oh, dear! Never any visitors; nothing but
letters now, and none of them for me. I shall die, or go mad. (_Sits._)
JANE. Yes, miss: your pa is a very sot man, and won't never see no
company, since he grew hard of hearing, three years ago. (_Takes the
flowers from vase._)
EGLANTINE. O Jane! how can I bear it? Life is so dull, so dull!
(_Sobs._)
JANE (_wiping lamp-glass_). Yes, miss. And think of me, miss: took into
service for my voice, and obligated to holler at your pa all day long.
Holler? Yes; yell and scream, I calls it.
EGLANTINE. Has nothing been heard from that aurist papa wrote to a
month ago!
JANE. No, miss; not a word. Dear, dear! I shall be a dummy in six
months, I'm sure. I hain't no more voice now than a frog.
EGLANTINE. Ha, ha! It's very sad, Jane. Ha, ha, ha!
JANE. Don't laugh at the misfortunate, Miss Eglantine: 'tain't lucky.
EGLANTINE. Forgive me, Jane: I didn't mean to. I believe I'm
hysterical; and no wonder,--shut up by myself like this, at nineteen.
JANE. No wonder you finds it a bit dull, miss. I don't wonder at
it,--not a mite.
EGLANTINE. And papa seems resolved to keep me unmarried. Half a dozen
proposals already! and he's refused them all.
JANE. Yes, miss; so he have. He says regular, "Not the son-in-law for
me." What kind does he expect, I wonder? A angel?
EGLANTINE. I'm afraid so, Jane. And it's got so bad that nobody now has
the courage to offer, a refusal is so certain. (_Sobs._) Or else I'm
sure that gentleman who danced the whole evening with me a month ago at
Lady Thornton's--
JANE. Yes, miss: I've heard you mention him often.
EGLANTINE. He was dying to offer himself, I'm sure, from the way he
looked at me. But somebody has warned him, of course. (_Weeps._) O
Jane, how tedious, how tedious life is!
JANE. Yes, miss; tedious as tedious! But here comes master. Where is
that letter? Oh! here it be.
(_Enter SINGLETON CODDLE, door R._)
CODDLE (_book in hand, from which he reads._) "Deafness is one of the
most distressing afflictions which can attack mankind." Ah! distressing
indeed! How true! how profoundly true!
JANE (_shouts in his ear_). A letter for you, sir. (_Holds it before
his eyes._)
CODDLE. Ah, Jane! you here? And Eglantine too. (_Takes letter._) You
needn't stick letters into my eye, Jane: you only need tell me you have
them. (_Sits._)
EGLANTINE. Possibly another offer for me. If I could only manage to
peep over his shoulder!
JANE. No need, miss. He's sure to read it out. He can't never hear his
own voice, and don't know but he's reading to himself. He thinks out
loud too; and I knows every thing he has on his mind. It's quite a
blessing, really.
CODDLE. (_Puts on glasses; catches sight of EGLANTINE._) Tut, tut,
Eglantine! Go away, child. This is for me, not you. Ten to one it's
confidential too! (_Crosses left, and reads aloud._) "My dear Coddle,
I flatter myself I have found a son-in-law to your taste at last,--a
nephew of mine, young, well educated, brilliant, and rich. Yours truly,
Pottle."
JANE. Didn't I tell you so, miss?
CODDLE. Ah! all very well, all very well, friend Pottle; but not the
man for _me_.
JANE. There, miss, just what I told ye.
EGLANTINE. I shall be in despair; I shall go crazy.
JANE. Easy, miss, easy. Don't go into no tantrums. For mercy's sake,
calm yourself.
EGLANTINE. Calm myself! When life is the same dull round day after day!
Calm myself! When I never see even a strange cat! Calm myself! Oh, I
cannot endure it! (_Exit R., furious._)
JANE (_carrying out the vase_). Poor young critter! Her pa ain't got no
sense.--Ugh! you old yaller dog! (_Exit L._)
CODDLE. Ah! deafness is indeed a distressing affliction. (_Shakes
his head. A pause._) Still every cloud has its silver side. Without
my deafness I never could have survived the conversation--God
forgive me!--of my poor dear wife. It killed her; for, finding me
providentially beyond her reach, her loquacity struck in, and--there
she was. But now an inscrutable Providence has taken her from me,
(_Sighs deeply_) it would console me to hear a little. The doctors
say they can do nothing. Ignorant rascals! I wrote to a fellow who
advertises to cure deafness instantaneously by electro-acoustico
magnetism, and the impudent impostor hasn't taken the trouble to
answer. The whole world seems determined to thwart me. (_Takes
book again, and reads._) "In treating deafness, it should first be
ascertained whether the tympanum be thickened or perforated, and
whether also the minute bones of the auricular organ are yet intact."
(_Sticks little finger in his ear._) I _think_ they're all right.
(_Reads._) "And, further, be certain that the Eustachian tube is free
from obstruction." I wonder whether my Eustachian tube is obstructed. I
must get Jane to look. I wonder where she is. Jane! (_Rings. Enter JANE
L.; drops flower-pot._) Jane!
JANE. He don't hear nothing. It's quite a pleasure to smash things when
he's round.
CODDLE. Jane!
JANE (_picks up pieces_). Bah! who cares for you? I'll answer when I'm
ready.
CODDLE. Jane!
JANE. Oh, call away! (_Throws pieces out of window._) Heads there!
CODDLE. Jane! (_Rises._) I must go for her. (_Sees her at window;
shouts in her ear._) Jane!
JANE (_puts hands to ears_). Mercy!
CODDLE. This is the fifteenth time I've called you. Are you deaf?
JANE (_courtesies_). Yes, old wretch,--deaf when I want to be. (_Both
come down._)
CODDLE. What do you say?
JANE. Pop, pop, pop, old bother! I'd like to wring your bothersome neck.
CODDLE. Yes, fine weather indeed. Look into my ear, Jane, and tell me
whether my Eustachian tube is obstructed.
JANE. Eustachian tube? What is the old fool after now?
CODDLE. Look in. Why don't you look in?
JANE (_shouts_). What for, sir?
CODDLE. Eustachian tube.
JANE (_shouts_). I can't see nothing, sir.
CODDLE. What do you say?
JANE. Drat him! (_Shouts._) I can't see _nothing_.
CODDLE. Jane, I hope you're not losing your voice. You don't speak half
so loudly as usual.
JANE (_sulkily_). Perhaps I'd better have it swabbed out, then.
CODDLE. Luncheon's ready, do you say? Rather early, isn't it? Jane, I
like you, do you know, because you're such an intelligent creature.
JANE (_shouts_). Yes, sir.
CODDLE. And so much attached to _me_.
JANE (_shouts_). Yes, sir.
CODDLE. Yes: a very faithful, good, affectionate servant, Jane. I
haven't forgotten you in my will, Jane. You'll find I've got you
down there. I won't say how much, but something handsome, depend on
it,--something handsome. (_Sits down, and takes up book again._)
JANE. Something handsome! Five hundred dollars! I've heard him say so
a score of times. He calls that handsome for busting my voice in his
service. The old rat! I hate such mean goings-on. (_Cries outside._)
VOICES. Stop him, stop him!