It has been nearly a whole year since I have written in this book of
mine. I've been too discouraged and heart-sick even to drag myself up
here into my cupola. I've aged dreadfully. I've been disillusioned of
all the hopes and dreams I ever had in my life. I've skipped that happy
period called girlhood, skipped it entirely, and I had hoped _awfully_
to go to at least one college football game before I was grey. I am
sitting in my study. It is a lovely day in spring. There are white
clouds in the sky, young robins in the wild cherry, but _my_ youth,
_my_ schooldays, _my_ aspirations are all over and gone.
Miss Wood said to me one day last winter--Miss Wood is my Sunday-school
teacher and was trying to be kind--"You know, Lucy, it is a law of
the universe for us all to have a certain amount of trouble before we
die. Some have it early, some late. Now _you_, dear, are having your
misfortunes when you are young. Just think, later they will all be
out of your way." Miss Wood hasn't had a bit of her share of trouble
yet. Why, she has a mother, a father, a fiancé, and a bunch of violets
every Sunday. She has perfectly lovely clothes, a coachman to drive
her around, and was president of her class her senior year in college.
Such blessings won't be half as nice, and Miss Wood knows it, when I'm
old and grey. I just simply hate having all my troubles dealt out to me
before my skirts touch the ground.
Our minister said to me that misfortune is the greatest builder of
character in the world. Well, it hasn't worked that way with me. I'm
hot-tempered and have an unruly tongue; I don't love a soul except my
brother Alec; and the only friend I have in the world is Juliet Adams.
I'm not even a genius--I've discovered that--and my religious beliefs
are dreadfully unsettled. Years ago I used to lie awake at night
and imagine myself in deep sorrow. I was always calm and sweet and
dignified then, beautiful and stately in my clinging black, and near me
always was a young man, a strong, handsome, clean-shaven young man in
riding clothes (I adore men in riding clothes) and I used to play that
this man was the son of the governor of the state. Strange as it might
seem, he was in love with me and when my entire family had suddenly
been killed in a railroad accident--I always had them _all_ die--this
man came to me in my lonely house and told me of his devotion. It
really made sorrow beautiful. But let me state right here that that was
one of the many empty dreams of my youth. When misfortune _did_ swoop
down upon me, I was not sweet and lovely, there was no man within a
hundred miles to understand and sympathise, there was nothing beautiful
about it. It was just plain hard and bitter. It's only in books that
trouble is romantic.
Elise visited us in the spring a year ago about this time (it seems
like a century to me) and my misfortunes began to pour in the following
fall, when I was a senior, and seventeen years old. That last year of
high school had started in to be a very happy one for me. Father had
finally allowed me to go to dancing-school; mathematics was a bugbear
of the past; and our basket-ball team was a perfect winner.
I loved dancing-school. It came every Saturday night from eight to
ten, and Juliet Adams used to call for me in her closed carriage and
drop me afterwards at my door. I remember that on that last Saturday
night I was particularly full of good-feeling, for I kissed Juliet
good-bye--a thing I seldom do--and called back to her as I ran up the
steps, "Good-night. See you at Church." I was never so unsuspecting in
my life as I opened the front door. But the instant I got inside the
house and looked into the sitting-room, I knew something was wrong. The
entire family was all sitting about the room doing absolutely nothing.
Father was not at his roll-top desk; the twins were not drawn up to the
centre table studying by the student-lamp; Alec was not out making his
Saturday night call; and, strangest of all, Ruthie was not in bed.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"Take your things off and come in, Lucy," said Father.
I didn't stir. My heart stood dead still for an instant. I grabbed hold
of the portière.
"Something has happened to Tom," I gasped, so sure I didn't even have
to ask.
I suppose I must have looked horribly frightened, for one of the twins
blurted out, in the twins' frank brutal way, "Oh, say, don't get so
everlastingly excited. Tom's all right, for all we know. So's every one
else. Do cool off."
Ruthie giggled. She always giggles at the twins, and I knew then that
my sudden fear had been for nothing. The angry colour rushed into my
face.
"Smarties!" I flung back at the twins with all my might.
"Oh, Lucy!" I heard Father murmur, and I saw Alec drop his eyes as if
he were ashamed of such an outburst from his seventeen-year-old sister.
"I don't care," I went on. "Why do you want to frighten me to death?
What's the matter with you all, anyway? What are you all doing? Why
isn't Ruthie in bed? Why are the twins--"
"It's all about _you_!" Malcolm interrupted in a sort of triumphant
manner.
"Me!" I gasped. "What in thunder--"
"Oh, Lucy!" Father again murmured.
"Well, what," I continued, "have you all been saying about _me_?" And I
sat down on the piano-stool.
Father cleared his throat the way he does before he asks the blessing,
and every one else was quiet. I knew something important was coming.
"Lucy," Father said, "we think the time has come for you to go to
boarding-school."
It hit me like a hard baseball and I couldn't have spoken if I were to
have died.
Father went on in his sure, unfaltering way.
"I have been considering it for some little while, and now as I talk
it over with the others--we always do that, you know--I am more
convinced of the wisdom of such a step than ever. Alec has been doing
some investigating, and Elise suggested in her last letter that Miss
Brown's-on-the-Hudson is an excellent school. I have, therefore,
communicated with Miss Brown and a telegram announces to me to-day
that a vacancy allows her to accept you, late as it is. Before worrying
you unnecessarily, I have made all arrangements. I have written to
Aunt Sarah, and she is willing to come and take your place here. So,
my dear child, I am only waiting now for your careful and womanly
consideration." I think he must have seen the horror on my face, for he
added gently, "You needn't decide to-night, Lucy. Think it over and in
the morning your duty will seem clear to you."
I have heard of people whose hair grows grey in a single night. It's
a wonder mine didn't turn snow-white during that single speech.
Boarding-school had never been intimated to me before. I had been away
from home for over night only twice in my life, and then stayed only a
week. Both times I had almost died of homesickness. I would as soon be
sentenced to prison or to death. Oh, I didn't want to go away! I didn't
want to! The silence after Father finished was awful. One of the twins
broke it.
"When Father told us about this to-night," Malcolm began importantly,
"we thought he was dead right. You see," he went on, "we want our
sister to be as nice as any other fellow's sister."
"Don't you 'sister' _me_," I managed to murmur, for I wasn't going to
be patronised by the twins who are a year younger than I am.
"Well, anyhow," said Oliver, the crueller one of the twins, "you
haven't got the right hang of fixing yourself up yet. You go round
with tomboys like Juliet Adams, and some others I might mention, that
fellows haven't any use for. High school is all right for _us_, but,
no siree, not for _you_. Some girls get the knack all right at home;
but look at yourself now! You wouldn't think a girl of seventeen would
twist her feet around a piano-stool like that!" I twisted them tighter.
"Even Toots" (that's Ruthie), he went on, "seems to carry herself more
like a young lady."
Ruth giggled at Oliver's last remark and I came back to life.
"I may be plain and awkward and gawky," I began, "and as homely as
a hedge fence, but let me tell you two children, if I spent my time
primping before the glass, and mincing up and down the street Saturday
afternoons before Brimmer's drug-store like your precious Elsie
Barnard," I fired, looking straight at Malcolm and bringing the colour
to his face, for he was awfully gone on Elsie, "or Doris Abbott, Mister
Oliver," I added, and Oliver flushed brilliant red, "you two wouldn't
have any stockings mended or any buttons on your coats or any lessons
either, for you know without me to explain every little thing you are
awful dunces!"
Father said, "Oh, come, Lucy, let us not quarrel;" Ruth went over and
sat on the arm of Oliver's chair (she always sides with the twins); and
my older brother Alec just looked hard at his magazine.
There was a long silence and then I got up and walked over to Alec. I
took the magazine out of his hand. I was calm now.
"Alec, what do _you_ think about my going away?" I said.
He looked up and smiled his kind, tired smile at me. Then he took my
hand but I drew it away quickly, turned and sat down on the arm of the
Morris-chair in which he was sitting, with my back square to him. His
gentle voice came to me from over my shoulder.
"Well, Lucy," he said, "you see, you've been working so hard for us
all here, for so many years, that I think, too, you've earned a little
vacation. You've been such a splendid mother to us--such a perfect
little housekeeper, that now I'd like to see you less hard-worked. We
don't want to cheat you of your girlhood. We want you to have all the
good times, and gaieties, and clothes, and things like that, that other
girls have."
Ah, yes! I saw finally. They were ashamed of me. Even Alec was ashamed
of me. I was not like other girls. I was plain and awkward and wore
ugly clothes. I wasn't pretty. They wanted to send me away as if I were
an old dented spoon to be straightened and polished at the jeweller's.
When Alec paused he put his arm over in front of me so that it lay in
my lap. At the touch of it the sobs seemed suddenly to rise up in my
throat, pressing after each other as if they were anxious to get out
into the air, and I rose quickly, pushed Alec's arm away and left the
room. They mustn't see--oh, no, they mustn't see me cry! I meant to
go to my bedroom and have it out by myself, but instead I rushed to
the kitchen and buried my face for a minute in the roller-towel. Then
before I let myself give way, I drew the dipper full of cold water and
swallowed those sobs back, forcing them with the strength of Samson.
You see I knew my sudden exit would leave an uncomfortable sensation
in the room back there, and I wouldn't have had one of them think I
was emotional for anything. So after a minute I went back. They could
see for themselves that there wasn't a tear in sight. Standing in the
doorway, facing them all, this is what I said, my voice as hard as
metal.
"Father, I shall be packed, and ready to go on Monday morning."
When I closed the door to my room that night I did not cry, although
my throat ached with wanting to. As I drew my curtain and looked out
into the dark night I thought of Juliet Adams, sleeping peacefully
like a child, and I realised how little she knew of sorrow. When the
big clock in the hall struck twelve I was kneeling before my bureau,
stacking my underclothes in neat little piles ready for my trunk. How
little I knew that what I then thought my pretty ninety-eight-cent
nightgowns, long-sleeved and high-necked, would about die of shame for
their plainness, before the beautiful lace and French hand-embroidered
lingerie represented at midnight spreads at school. I'm glad I didn't
know then that I would come to despise my poor faithful clothes.
I was piling my gloves into a box when there came a soft knock at the
door. Alec came in, in his red and grey bath-towel bath-robe.
"Not in bed yet?" he said gently, and came over and sat down near me
on the floor with his back against the wall, his knees drawn up almost
to his chin and his arms clasped about them. We sat there for a moment
silently, and I grimly folded gloves. Then, "Good stuff, Bobbie," he
said finally--and oh, so kindly--"Good nerve."
I turned and looked straight at him.
"No, Alec," I said, "there isn't anything good about it. It's horrid
feelings and hate that make me go."
He looked away from me as he always does when he disapproves, but he
put his hand on my shoulder and I was grateful for that touch.
I turned on him frantically and burst out, "Alec Vars, you are the
only one in this whole house I love--you and Father," I amended, for
we all adore Father. "You're the only one who is kind or thoughtful.
I've tried to do my duty in this place by you and the others, but I
guess I haven't succeeded. Now I'm going away and we'll see how the
twins enjoy a dose of Aunt Sarah." I paused, then added, "Look here,
Alec, don't let Ruth go out to the Country Club. She is pretty and the
older men--why, your friends talk to her and make her vain and hold
her on the arms of their chairs. Don't let _her_ go. And the twins--I
haven't told on them yet--but they're smoking! They're dead scared for
fear I'll tell Father, and I said that I should if I caught them at it
again."
"Good Bobbie, you'd keep us straight if you could, wouldn't you?"
"No, I wouldn't," I flared back. "It's hate I feel and--"
Alec put his hand over my mouth.
"What shall I do to you?" he laughed.
I rose abruptly, crossed the room and closed the window at my back.
There was a big lump in my throat and I stopped at the marble
wash-stand built into one corner of my room, and took a drink of water.
Then I went back to my glove-sorting. Finally I was able to ask,
"Alec, were you at the bottom of this?"
"Oh, I don't know," he smiled. "Possibly--I--or Will Maynard."
"Will Maynard!" I exclaimed. Dr. Maynard is a physician in our town,
and was a classmate of Alec's years ago in college. He has nothing to
do with _me_.
Alec picked up one of my gloves and began turning it right-side-out, as
he explained.
"We dropped into Grand Army Hall one afternoon a week or so ago when
you were playing a basket-ball game. I'd never seen you play before.
We stayed for a half an hour or more. Going home Will said to me, 'Why
don't you send that little wild-cat sister of yours away to school?'
I began to mull it over. Of course, Bobbie, old girl," Alec went on,
"I admire your pluck and spirit in basket-ball. I like to see you win
whatever you set out to. You played a fine game--a bully fine game;
but there are other things in life to acquire--other kinds of things,
Bobbikins." He stopped. "Oh, you'll like boarding-school," he said.
"I'll like Dr. Maynard not to butt into my affairs," I replied under my
breath; then I remarked, "I'm ready for that glove, please."
Alec passed it over and got up.
"Good-night," he said. "Oh, by the way," he added, "here is something
you may find a use for. Your tuition and board, of course, will be
paid for by Father, but I know there are a lot of extras--girl's
things--that you'll need. Possibly this will help." He dropped a piece
of paper into my lap and was gone before I could look up.
I unfolded the paper and saw a check dancing before my eyes for one
hundred dollars! I knew very well that we were as poor as paupers in
spite of our big house, and stable, as empty now as a shell. I knew
Father's business was about as lifeless as the stable, and that Alec
alone stood by him trying to give a little encouragement. Splendid
Alec! I fled after him. He was just groping his way up the stairs to
his third-floor room. I caught him and very unlike my even temperament
put my arms around him tight.
"O Alec," I blubbered, "it isn't because of the money; it's because of
_you_." Then I added, like a great idiot, "Oh, I _will_ try not to be
such a tomboy! I _will_ try to be worth something when I'm away, and
all the things you want me to be." And then because I hated to pose as
any kind of an angel, I turned, fled back to my room and locked the
door.
I made a great impression with my announcement the next day in
Sunday-school. Juliet could hardly believe me. She stared at me as
open-eyed and awestruck as if I had told her I was going to China. She
wouldn't sing the hymns, and during the long prayer she whispered to
me: "You'll be going to Spreads!" And later: "You'll have a Room-mate!"
And again: "Perhaps you'll be invited to House-parties!"
If I were about to be hanged it would be little comfort to me to be
told that in a few hours I would be playing on harps, walking streets
of gold and wearing wings. I didn't want to go away--that was the
plain truth. I preferred Intelligence-Offices to boarding-schools;
I preferred our big brown ugly old house, empty stable, out-of-date
carriages, cruel twins, and uncuddleble Ruth to spreads, room-mates
and house-parties. I wanted to stay at home! But I was bound that no
one should know that my heart was breaking; I was determined that
no one should guess that I was being sent away, boosted out of my
position, like the poor old minister in the South Baptist church. I
would go with my head up, and tearless! Only once did I give way, and
that was in poor little Dixie's furry neck when I threw my arms about
him in his stall. Poor little dumb Dixie! Poor pitiful dumb carriages
gazing silently at me. "_You'll_ miss me. _You'll_ be sorry," I said.
On that last grey Sunday afternoon I took my good-bye walk, through
Buxton's woods back of our house. I gazed for the last time on the
precious landmarks that I had grown to love--the two freak chestnut
trees, soldered into one like the Siamese twins; the hollow oak where
we used to dig the rich dark brown peet and find the big, slimy white
worms; the huge fallen pine, struck once by lightning, along whose
trunk and in among whose dead branches we used to play "ship" and
"pirate-boat." I walked alone--all alone. There was no romantic lover
in riding clothes, as in my dreams, to share my sad reflections. Only
a scurrying chipmunk or red squirrel, now and then, gazed at me with
frightened eyes, then scampered away; only the dead leaves under
my feet kept rhythm with my dragging steps. I was awfully lonely
and unhappy. It seemed to me that even the sombre sky and the dead
quietness of Sunday connived to add to my dreariness.
When I reached our iron gate on my return, it was nearly dark.
Dr. Maynard was just coming away from one of his frequent Sunday
afternoons with Alec and I met him by the fountain.
"Hello, little Wild-cat," he sang out cheerily. He always has called me
Wild-cat, though I never knew why. "Back from one of your walks 'all by
your lone'?" I think he copied that from Kipling. "Ears been burning?
Al and I have just been talking about you."
I had never as much as peeped in Dr. Maynard's presence before--he's
fifteen years older than I--but I couldn't bear his interference in
my affairs and I retorted, "I should advise you not to meddle with
wild-cats, Dr. Maynard!"
"Whew!" he whistled in mock alarm; and though it was not a pretty thing
for a girl of seventeen to say to a man whose hair was beginning to
turn grey, I finished hotly, "Or you'll get scratched!" and turned and
dashed into the house.