By SPECIAL CONSTABLE XXX.
You must understand that the work of the Special Constable is so
utterly dreary that we heave sighs of envy on seeing one of our number,
an L.C.C. employee, being allowed to clean the windows of a public
building. The lucky dog!
Imagine, therefore, our joy at receiving a staff order to watch out
for motor-cars with hoggish headlights, and report their numbers to
headquarters. We were not to arrest them--even if we could.
Within half an hour of the staff order we registered Our First Capture.
Myself, I received a fleeting impression of LL--8183; my colleague took
it for LS--6163. An amicable discussion ensued. I pointed out that LS
might mean London Scottish, who should be allowed to go scot free; he
countered with the suggestion that LL might stand for LLOYD GEORGE, who
should also be above the law. We tossed for it. I won. The honour fell
to me to report the capture.
"Sergeant, oblige me by recording the following episode in your
official notebook: Special Constable XXX has the honour to report that
on or about the 15th instant, in the year of grace----"
"Is there much more like this?"
"Don't rob me of my hour of glory. I've had four blank months....
In the year of grace 1914, at the hour of 5.15, post meridian, at
the corner of ---- Street, a motor-car contravening, traversing
or otherwise infringing His Majesty's Regulations promulgated by
the Secretary of State for Home Affairs, pursuant to an Order in
Council----"
"What was its number?" demanded the Sergeant crudely.
"LL--8183, Sir. And I have the honour to suspect that it belonged to
the Right Hon. DAVID LLOYD GEORGE."
The Sergeant, who wears a yellow brassard, reported to the
Sub-Inspector (red band), and from there the information will travel
upwards and onwards to the Chief Sub-Inspector (light-blue band), the
Inspector (dark-blue band), the Commander (white band), and the Chief
Staff Officer, who resides in the west wing of New Scotland Yard and
probably wears a cocked hat. From there it will cross the Bridge of
Sighs to the east wing, occupied by the more ordinary police, and will
trickle down in reverse order of precedence to a regular Constable, who
will probably call on Mr. LLOYD GEORGE with an official blue paper in
his hand:--
"Sir,--From information received, it transpires that on or about the
15th instant, in the year of grace 1914,... head-lights contravening,
traversing or otherwise infringing ... and should the offence be
repeated.... In the name of our Sovereign Lord the King, Emperor of
India, Defender of the Faith."
LLOYD GEORGE will humbly submit to the decree, will sign a promissory
note of obedience (Moratorium barred), and the incident will close.
Think of the glory of putting all that in motion!
Yes, it was worth while joining the Force.
* * * * *
It having been officially announced (in "Charivaria") that members of
the O.B.C. (Old Boys Corps) object to being called the Old B.C.'s, an
intolerable suggestion is now put forward that they should be known as
the "Obese He's."
* * * * *
Rear-Admiral SCHLIEPER says in the _Berliner Lokal-Anzeiger_ that the
Germans could never overcome a certain sentimental feeling of justice
and delicacy with regard to England. We do not know how Scarborough
regards this veracious statement, but our own motto is "Let Schlieping
dogs lie."
* * * * *