A FELINE ADVENTURE. PASSED--HOORAY! CONVERSATION OF (NOT WITH) TWO
ISRAELITISH PARTIES.
Next morning, while engaged at my toilet--not a limb of my body which I
had not amputated that morning mentally, not one of my joints I had not
exsected, or a capital operation I did not perform on my own person; I
had, in fact, with imaginary surgical instruments, cut myself all into
little pieces, dissected my every nerve, filled all my arteries with red
wax and my veins with blue, traced out the origin and insertion of every
muscle, and thought of what each one could and what each one could not
do; and was just giving the final twirl to my delicate moustache, and
the proper set to the bow of my necktie, when something occurred which
caused me to start and turn quickly round. It was a soft modest little
knock--almost plaintive in its modesty and softness--at my door. I
heard no footfall nor sound of any sort, simply the "tapping as of some
one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber-door; simply that and nothing
more."
"This," thought I, "is Sarah Jane with my boots: mindful girl is Sarah
Jane." Then giving voice to my thoughts, "Thank you, Sally," said I,
"just leave them outside; I'll have Finnon haddocks and oatcake for
breakfast."
Then, a voice that wasn't Sally's, but ever so much softer and more
kitten-like in tone, replied,--
"Hem! ahem!" and presently added, "it is only _me_." Then the door was
pushed slightly open, while pressing one foot doubtfully against it I
peeped out, and to my surprise perceived the half of a little yellow
book and the whole of a little yellow face with whiskers at it, and an
expression so very like that of a one-year-old lady cat, that I remained
for a little in momentary expectation of hearing it purr. But it
didn't, merely smiling and repeating,--
"It's only me."
"So I see," said I, quite taken aback as it were. "So I see." Then
"_Me_," slowly and gently overcame the resistance my right foot offered,
and, pushing open the door, held out the yellow tract, which I took to
be of a spiritual nature, and spoke to "I" as follows:--
"We--that is, he! he! my father and me, he! he! you see--had heard of
your going up to join the Navy." At that moment it seemed to "I" the
easiest thing in the world, short of spending money, to "join" the Royal
Navy. "And so," continued "_Me_", "you see, he! he! we thought of
making you a call, all in business, you see, he! he! and offering you
our estimate for your uniform."
Uniform! grand name to my ear, I who had never worn anything more gay
than a homespun coat of houden-grey and a Gordon tartan kilt. I thought
it was my turn to say, "Hem! hem!" and even add an inaudible "Ho! ho!"
for I felt myself expanding inch by inch like a kidney bean.
"In that little book," _Me_ went on, "there,"--pointing to the front
page--"you will find the names of one hundred and fifty-seven officers
and gentlemen who have honoured us with their custom."
Then I exclaimed, "Dear me!" and Me added with animation, "You see: he!
he!"
Was it any wonder then, that I succumbed to such a flood of temptation,
that even my native canniness disappeared or was swept away, and that I
promised this gentleman of feline address that if I passed I would
assuredly make his father a call? Alas! unfortunate greenhorn that I
was, I found out when too late that some on the list had certainly given
him their custom, and like myself repented only once but for ever; while
the custom of the majority was confined to a pair or two of duck
inexpressibles, a uniform cap, a dozen of buttons, or a hank of sewing
silk.
"We can proudly refer you," Me continued, as I bowed him to the door,
"to any of them, and if you do us the honour of calling you will be
enabled to judge for yourself; but," added he, in a stage whisper, at
the same time making a determined attempt, as I thought, to bite off my
ear, "be aware of the Jews."
"What," said I, "is your father not then a Jew? the name I thought--"
"Oh-h-h!" he cried, "they may call us so; but--born in England--bred in
London--neighbourhood of Bond Street, highly respectable locality. Army
and Navy outfitters, my father and me, you see, he! he! We invite
inspection, give satisfaction, and defy competition, you see, he! he!"
And he glided silently down stairs, giving me scarcely time to observe
that he was a young man with black hair, black eyes and whiskers, and
wearing goloshes.
I soon after went down to breakfast, wondering, as I well might, how my
feline friend had found out all about my affairs; but it was not till I
had eaten ninety and one breakfasts and a corresponding number of
dinners that I discovered he belonged to a class of fellows who live by
fleecing the poor victims they pretend to clothe. Intending candidates,
beware of the Jews!
Tuesday came round at last, just as Tuesdays have always been in the
habit of doing, and at eleven o'clock precisely I, with my heart playing
a game of cricket, with my spine for the bat and my ribs for the wicket,
"repaired"--a very different mode of progression from any other with
which I am acquainted--to the medical department of Somerset House. I
do not remember ever having entered any place with feelings of greater
solemnity. I was astonished in no small degree at the people who passed
along the Strand for appearing so disgustingly indifferent,--
"And I so weerie fu' o' care."
Had I been going to stand my trial for manslaughter or cattle-lifting, I
am certain I should have felt supremely happy in comparison. I passed
the frowning gateway, traversed the large square, and crossed the
Rubicon by entering the great centre doorway and inquiring my way to the
examination room. I had previously, be it observed, sent in my medical
and surgical degrees, with all my class tickets and certificates,
including that for virtue. I was now directed up a great many long
stairs, along as many gloomy-looking corridors, in which I lost my way
at least half a dozen times, and had to call at a corresponding number
of green-baize-covered brass tacketed doors, in order to be put right,
before I at length found myself in front of the proper one, at which I
knocked once, twice, and even thrice, without in any way affecting or
diminishing the buzz that was going on behind the door; so I pushed it
open, and boldly entered. I now found myself in the midst of a large
and select assortment of clerks, whose tongues were hard at work if
their pens were not, and who did not seem half so much astonished at
seeing me there as I felt at finding myself. The room itself looked
like an hypertrophied law office, of which the principal features were
papers and presses, three-legged stools, calf-bound folios, and cobwebs.
I stood for a considerable time, observing but unobserved, wondering
all the while what to say, how to say it, and whom to say it to, and
resisting an inclination to put my finger in my mouth. Moreover, at
that moment a war was going on within me between pride and modesty, for
I was not at all certain whether I ought to take off my hat; so being
"canny" and a Scot, I adopted a middle course, and commenced to wipe
imaginary perspiration from my brow, an operation which, of course,
necessitated the removal of my head-dress. Probably the cambric
handkerchief caught the tail of the eye of a quieter-looking knight of
the quill, who sat a little apart from the other drones of the pen; at
any rate he quickly dismounted, and coming up to me politely asked my
business. I told him, and he civilly motioned me to a seat to await my
turn for examination. By-and-bye other candidates dropped in, each of
whom I rejoiced to observe looked a little paler, decidedly more blue,
and infinitely greener than I did myself! This was some relief, so I
sat by the dusty window which overlooked the Thames, watching the little
skiffs gliding to and fro, the boats hastening hither and thither, and
the big lazy-like barges that floated on the calm unruffled bosom of the
great mysterious river, and thinking and wishing that it could but break
its everlasting silence and tell its tale, and mention even a tithe of
the scenes that had been acted on its breast or by its banks since it
first rolled its infant waters to the sea, through a forest of trees
instead of a forest of masts and spires, or tell of the many beings that
had sought relief from a world of sin and suffering under its dark
current. So ran my thoughts, and as the river so did time glide by, and
two hours passed away, then a third; and when at last my name was
called, it was only to inform me that I must come back on the following
day, there being too many to be examined at once.
At the hour appointed I was immediately conducted into the presence of
the august assembly of examiners, and this, is what I saw, or rather,
this was the picture on my retina, for to see, in the usual acceptation
of the term, was, under the circumstances, out of the question:--A table
with a green cover, laid out for a feast--to me a ghastly feast--of
reason and flow of soul. My reason was to form the feast, my soul was
to flow; the five pleasant-looking and gentlemanly men who sat around
were to partake of the banquet. I did not walk into the room, I seemed
to glide as if in a dream, or as if I had been my own ghost. Every
person and every thing in the room appeared strangely contorted; and the
whole formed a wonderful mirage, miraculously confused. The fire hopped
up on the table, the table consigned itself to the flames at one moment,
and made an insane attempt to get up the chimney the next. The roof
bending down in one corner affectionately kissed the carpet, the carpet
bobbing up at another returned the chaste salute. Then the gentlemen
smiled on me pleasantly, while I replied by a horrible grin.
"Sit down, sir," said one, and his voice sounded far away, as if in
another world, as I tottered to the chair, and with palsied arm helped
myself to a glass of water, which had been placed on the table for my
use. The water revived me, and at the first task I was asked to
perform--translate a small portion of Gregory's (not powder) Conspectus
into English--my senses came back. The scales fell from my eyes, the
table and fire resumed their proper places, the roof and carpet ceased
to dally, my scattered brains came all of a heap once more, and I was
myself again as much as ever Richard was, or any other man. I answered
most of the questions, if not all. I was tackled for ten minutes at a
time by each of the examiners. I performed mental operations on the
limbs of beings who never existed, prescribed hypothetically for
innumerable ailments, brought divers mythical children into the world,
dissected muscles and nerves in imagination, talked of green trees,
fruit, flowers, natural families, and far-away lands, as if I had been
Linnaeus, Columbus, and Humboldt all in one, so that, in less than an
hour, the august body leant their backs against their respective chairs,
and looked knowingly in each other's faces for a period of several very
long seconds. They then nodded to one another, did this august body,
looked at their tablets, and nodded again. After this pantomime had
come to a conclusion I was furnished with a sheet of foolscap and sent
back to the room above the Thames to write a dissertation on fractures
of the cranium, and shortly after sending it in I was recalled and
informed that I had sustained the dread ordeal to their entire
satisfaction, etc, and that I had better, before I left the house, pay
an official visit to the Director-General. I bowed, retired, heaved a
monster sigh, made the visit of ceremony, and afterwards my exit.
The first gentleman (?) I met on coming out was a short, middle-aged
Shylock, hook-nosed and raven-haired, and arrayed in a surtout of seedy
black. He approached me with much bowing and smiling, and holding below
my nose a little green tract which he begged I would accept.
"Exceedingly kind," thought I, and was about to comply with his request,
when, greatly to my surprise and the discomposure of my toilet, an arm
was hooked into mine, I was wheeled round as if on a pivot, and found
myself face to face with another Israelite armed with a _red_ tract.
"He is a Jew and a dog," said this latter, shaking a forefinger close to
my face.
"Is he?" said I. The words had hardly escaped my lips when the other
Jew whipped his arm through mine and quickly re-wheeled me towards him.
"He is a liar and a cheat," hissed he, with the same motion of the
forefinger as his rival had used.
"Indeed!" said I, beginning to wonder what it all meant. I had not,
however, long time to wonder, being once more set spinning by the
Israelite of the red tract.
"Beware of the Jews?" he whispered, pointing to the other; and the
conversation was continued in the following strain. Although in the
common sense of the word it really was no conversation, as each of them
addressed himself to me only, and I could find no reply, still, taking
the word in its literal meaning (from con, together, and _verto_, I
turn), it was indeed a conversation, for they turned me together, each
one, as he addressed me, hooking his arm in mine and whirling me round
like the handle of an air-pump or a badly constructed teetotum, and
shaking a forefinger in my face, as if I were a parrot and he wanted me
to swear.
_Shylock of the green tract_.--"He is a swine and a scoundrel."
_Israelite of the red_.--"He's a liar and a thief."
_Shylock of the green_.--"And he'll get round you some way."
_Israelite of red_.--"Ahab and brothers cheat everybody they can."
_Shylock of green_.--"He'll be lending you money."
_Red_.--"Whole town know them--"
_Green_.--"Charge you thirty per cent."