THE HOUSE ON CARAWAY STREET
After telephoning to his wife that he would not be home for supper,
Bleak set out for Caraway Street. He was in that exuberant mood
discernible in commuters unexpectedly spending an evening in town.
Instead of hurrying out to the suburbs on the 6:17 train, to mow the
lawn and admire the fireflies, here he was watching the more dazzling
fireflies of the city--the electric signs which were already bulbed
wanly against the rich orange of the falling sun. He puffed his pipe
lustily and with a jaunty condescension watched the crowds thronging
the drugstores for their dram of ice-cream soda. In his bosom the
secret julep tingled radiantly. At that hour of the evening the shining
bustle of the central streets was drawing the life of the city to
itself. In the residential by-ways through which his route took him the
pavements were nearly deserted. A delicious sense of extravagant
adventure possessed him. As a newspaper man, he did not feel at all
sure that he was on the threshold of a printable "story"; but as a
connoisseur of juleps he felt that very possibly he was on the
threshold of another drink. Passing a line of billboards, he noticed a
brightly colored poster advertising a brand of collars. In sheer
light-heartedness he drew a soft pencil from his waistcoat and adorned
the comely young man on the collar poster with a heavy mustache.
Caraway Street, with which he had not previously been familiar, proved
to be a quaint little channel of old brick houses, leading into the
bonfire of the summer sunset. There was nothing to distinguish number
1316 from its neighbors. He rang the bell, and there ensued a rapid
clicking in the lock, indicating that the latch had been released by
some one within. He pushed the door open, and entered.
He had a curious sensation of having stepped into an old Flemish
painting. The hall in which he stood was cool and rather dark, though a
bright refraction of light tossed from some upper window upon a tall
mirror filled the shadow with broken spangles. Through an open doorway
at the rear was the green glimmer of a garden. In front of him was a
mahogany sideboard. On its polished top lay two books, a box of cigars,
and a cut glass decanter surrounded by several glasses. In the decanter
was a pale yellow fluid which held a beam of light. The house was
completely silent.
Somewhat abashed, he removed his hat and stood irresolute, expecting
some greeting. But nothing happened. On a rack against the wall he saw
a gray uniform coat like that which Mr. Quimbleton had worn in the
Balloon office, and a similar gray cap with the silver monogram. He
glanced at the books. One was The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam, the other
was a Bible, open at the second chapter of John. He was looking
curiously at the decanter when a voice startled him.
"Dandelion wine!" it said. "Will you have a glass?"
He turned and saw an old gentleman with profuse white hair and beard
tottering into the hall.
"Glad to see you, Mr. Bleak," said the latter. "I was expecting you."
"You are very kind," said the editor. "I fear you have the advantage of
me--I was told that Walt Whitman died in 1892--"
"Nonsense!" wheezed the other with a senile chuckle. He straightened,
ripped off his silver fringes, and appeared as the stalwart Quimbleton
himself.
"Forgive my precautions," he said. "I am surrounded by spies. I have to
be careful. Should some of my enemies learn that old Mr. Monkbones of
Caraway Street is the same as Virgil Quimbleton of the Happiness
Corporation, my life wouldn't be worth--well, a glass of gooseberry
brandy. Speaking of that, have a little of the dandelion wine." He
pointed to the decanter.
Bleak poured himself a glass, and watched his host carefully resume the
hoary wig and whiskers. They passed into the garden, a quiet green
enclosure surrounded by brick walls and bright with hollyhocks and
other flowers. It was overlooked by a quaint jumble of rear gables,
tall chimneys and white-shuttered dormer windows.
"Do you play croquet?" asked Quimbleton, showing a neat pattern of
white hoops fixed in the shaven turf. "If so, we must have a game after
supper. It's very agreeable as a quiet relaxation."
Mr. Bleak was still trying to get his bearings. To see this robust
creature gravely counterfeiting the posture of extreme old age was
almost too much for his gravity. There was a bizarre absurdity in the
solemn way Quimbleton beamed out from his frosty and fraudulent
shrubbery. Something in the air of the garden, also, seemed to push
Bleak toward laughter. He had that sensation which we have all
experienced--an unaccountable desire to roar with mirth, for no very
definite cause. He bit his lip, and sought rigorously for decorum.
"Upon my soul," he said, "This is the most fragrant garden I ever
smelt. What is that delicious odor in the air, that faint perfume--?"
"That subtle sweetness?" said Quimbleton, with unexpected drollery.
"Exactly," said Bleak. "That abounding and pervasive aroma--"
"That delicate bouquet--?"
"Quite so, that breath of myrrh--"
"That balmy exhalation--?"
Bleak wondered if this was a game. He tried valiantly to continue.
"Precisely," he said, "That quintessence of--"
He could coerce himself no longer, and burst into a yell of laughter.
"Hush!" said Quimbleton, nervously. "Some one may be watching us. But
the fragrance of the garden is something I am rather proud of. You see,
I water the flowers with champagne."
"With champagne!" echoed Bleak. "Good heavens, man, you'll get penal
servitude."
"Nonsense!" said Quimbleton. "The Eighteenth Amendment says that
intoxicating liquors may not be manufactured, sold or transported FOR
BEVERAGE PURPOSES. Nothing is said about using them to irrigate the
garden. I have a friend who makes this champagne himself and gives me
some of it for my rose-beds. If you spray the flowers with it, and then
walk round and inhale them, you get quite a genial reaction. I do it
principally to annoy Bishop Chuff. You see, he lives next door."
"Bishop Chuff of the Pan-Antis?"
"Yes," said Quimbleton--"but don't shout! His garden adjoins this. He
has a periscope that overlooks my quarters. That's why I have to wear
this disguise in the garden. I think he's getting a bit suspicious. I
manage to cause him a good deal of suffering with the fizz fumes from
my garden. Jolly idea, isn't it?"
Bleak was aghast at the temerity of the man. Bishop Chuff, the
fanatical leader of the Anti-Everything League--jocosely known as the
Pan-Antis--was the most feared man in America. It was he whose untiring
organization had forced prohibition through the legislatures of forty
States--had closed the golf links on Sundays--had made it a misdemeanor
to be found laughing in public. And here was this daring Quimbleton,
living at the very sill of the lion's den.
"By means of my disguise," whispered Quimbleton, "I was able to make a
pleasant impression on the Bishop. One evening I went to call on him. I
took the precaution to eat a green persimmon beforehand, which
distorted my features into such a malignant contraction of pessimism
and misanthropy that I quite won his heart. He accepted an invitation
to play croquet with me. That afternoon I prepared the garden with a
deluge of champagne. The golden drops sparkled on every rose-petal: the
lawn was drenched with it. After playing one round the Bishop was
gloriously inflamed. He had to be carried home, roaring the most
unseemly ditties. Since then, as I say, he has grown (I fear) a trifle
suspicious. But let us have a bite of supper."
More than once, as they sat under a thickly leafy grape arbor in the
quiet green enclosure, Bleak had to pinch himself to confirm the
witness of his senses. A table was delicately spread with an agreeable
repast of cold salmon, asparagus salad, fruits, jellies, and whipped
creams. The flagon of dandelion vintage played its due part in the
repast, and Mr. Bleak began to entertain a new respect for this common
flower of which he had been unduly inappreciative. Although the trellis
screened them from observation, Quimbleton seemed ill at ease. He kept
an alert gaze roving about him, and spoke only in whispers. Once, when
a bird lighted in the foliage behind them, causing a sudden stir among
the leaves, his shaggy beard whirled round with every symptom of panic.
Little by little this apprehension began to infect the journalist also.
At first he had hardly restrained his mirth at the sight of this burly
athlete framed in the bush of Santa Claus. Now he began to wonder
whether his escapade had been consummated at too great a risk.
That old-fashioned quarter of the city was incredibly still. As the
light ebbed slowly, and broad blue shadows crept across the patch of
turf, they sat in a silence broken only by the wiry cheep of sparrows
and the distant moan of trolley cars. The arrows of the decumbent sun
gilded the ripening grapes above them. Suddenly there were two loud
bangs and a vicious whistle sang through the arbor. Broken twigs eddied
down upon the table cloth.
"Spotted mackerel!" cried Bleak. "Is some one shooting at us?"
Quimbleton reappeared presently from under the table. "All serene," he
said. "We're safe now. That was only Chuff. Every night about this time
he comes out on his back gallery and enjoys a little sharp-shooting.
He's a very good shot, and picks off the grapes that have ripened
during the day. There were only two that were really purple this
evening, so now we can go ahead. Unless he should send over a raiding
party, we're all right."
The editor solaced himself with another beaker of the dandelion wine
and they finished their meal in thoughtful silence.
"Mr. Bleak," said the other at last, "it was something more than mere
desire to give you a pleasant surprise that led me to your office this
afternoon. Have you leisure to listen? Good! Please try one of these
cigars. If, while I am talking, you should hear any one moving in the
garden, just tap quietly on the table. Tell me, have you, before
to-day, ever heard of the Corporation for the Perpetuation of
Happiness?"
"Never," replied Bleak, kindling a magnifico of remarkably rich, mild
flavor.
"That is as I expected," rejoined Quimbleton. "We have campaigned
incognito, partly by choice and partly (let me be candid) by necessity.
But the time is come when we shall have to appear in the open. The last
great struggle is on, and it can no longer be conducted in the dark. In
the course of my remarks I may be tempted to forget our present perils.
I beg of you, if you hear any sounds that seem suspicious, to notify me
instantly."
"Pardon me," said Bleak, a little uneasily; "it was my intention to
catch the 9.30 train for Mandrake Park."
The fantastic cascade of false white hair wagged gravely in the dusk.
"My dear sir," said Quimbleton solemnly, "I fancy you are to be
gratified by a far higher destiny than catching the 9.30. Do me the
honor of filling your glass. But be careful not to clink the decanter
against the tumbler. There is every probability that vigilant ears are
on the alert."
There was a brief silence, and Bleak wondered (a trifle wildly) if he
were dreaming. The cigar on the opposite side of the little table
glowed rosily several times, and then Quimbleton's voice resumed, in a
deep undertone.
"It is necessary to tell you," he said, "that the Corporation was
founded a number of years ago, long before the events of the fatal year
1919 and the Eighteenth Amendment to the Constitution. The incident of
this afternoon may have caused you to think that what is vulgarly
called booze is the chief preoccupation of our society. That is not so.
We were organized at first simply to bring merriment and good cheer
into the lives of those who have found the vexations of modern life too
trying. In our early days we carried on an excellent (though
unsystematic) guerilla warfare against human suffering.
"In this (let me admit it frankly) we were to a great degree selfish.
As you are aware, the essence of humor is surprise: we found a
delicious humor in our campaign of surprising woebegone humanity in
moments of crisis. For instance, we used to picket the railway
terminals to console commuters who had just missed their trains. We
found it uproariously funny to approach a perspiring suburbanite, who
had missed the train (let us say) to Mandrake Park, and to press upon
him, with the compliments of the Corporation, some consolatory
souvenir--a box of cigars, perhaps, or a basket of rare fruit.
Housewives, groaning over their endless routine of bathing the baby,
ordering the meals, sweeping the floors and so on, would be amazed by
the sudden appearance of one of our deputies, in the service uniform of
gray and silver, equipped with vacuum cleaner and electric baby-washing
machine, to take over the domestic chores for one day. The troubles of
lovers were under our special care. We saw how much anguish is caused
by the passion of jealousy. Many an engaged damsel, tempted to mild
escapade in some perfumed conservatory, found her heart chilled by the
stern eye of a uniformed C.P.H. agent lurking behind a potted
hydrangea. We hired bands of urchins to make faces at evil old men who
plate-glass themselves in the windows of clubs. Many a husband,
wondering desperately which hat or which tie to select, has been
surprised by the appearance of one of our staff at his elbow, tactfully
pointing out which article would best harmonize with his complexion and
station in life. Ladies who insisted on overpowdering their noses were
quietly waylaid by one of our matrons, and the excess of rice-dust
removed. A whole shipload of people who persisted in eating onions were
gathered (without any publicity) into a concentration camp, and in
company with several popular comedians, deported to a coral atoll. I
could enumerate thousands of such instances. For several years we
worked in this unassuming way, trying to add to the sum of human
happiness."
Quimbleton's white beard shone with a pinkish brightness as he inhaled
heavily on his cigar.
"Now, Mr. Bleak," he went on, "I come to you because we need your help.
We can no longer maintain a light-hearted sniping campaign on the
enemies of human happiness. This is a death struggle. You are aware
that Chuff and his legions are planning a tremendous parade for
to-morrow. You know that it will be the most startling demonstration of
its kind ever arranged. One hundred thousand pan-antis will parade on
the Boulevard, with a hundred brass bands, led by the Bishop himself on
his coal black horse. Do you know the purpose of the parade?"
"In a general way," said Bleak, "I suppose it is to give publicity to
the prohibition cause."
"They have kept their malign scheme entirely secret," said Quimbleton.
"You, as a newspaper man, should know it. Does the (so-called) cause of
prohibition require publicity? Nonsense! Prohibition is already in
effect. The purpose of the parade is to undermine the splendid work our
Corporation has been doing for the past two years. As soon as the fatal
amendment was passed we set to work to teach people how to brew
beverages of their own, in their own homes. As you know, very delicious
wine may be made from almost every vegetable and fruit. Potatoes,
tomatoes, rhubarb, currants, blackberries, gooseberries, raisins,
apples--all these are susceptible of fermentation, transforming their
juices into desirable vintages. We specialized on such beverages. We
printed and distributed millions of recipes. Chuff countered by passing
laws that no printed recipes could circulate through the mails. We had
motion pictures filmed, showing the eager public how to perform these
simple and cheering processes. Chuff thereupon had motion pictures
banned. He would abolish the principle of fermentation itself if he
could.
"We composed a little song-recipe for dandelion wine, sending thousands
of minstrels to sing it about the country until the people should
memorize it. Now Chuff threatens to forbid singing and the memorizing
of poetry. At this moment he has fifty thousand zealots working in the
countryside collecting and burning dandelion seeds so as to reduce the
crop next spring.
"The purpose of his parade to-morrow is devastating in its simplicity.
Having learned that wine may be made from gooseberries, he proposes (as
a first step) to abolish them altogether. This is to be the Nineteenth
Amendment to the Constitution. No gooseberries shall be grown upon the
soil of the United States, or imported from abroad. Raisins too, since
it is said that one raisin in a bottle of grape juice can cause it to
bubble in illicit fashion, are to be put in the category of deadly
weapons. Any one found carrying a concealed raisin will go before a
firing squad. And Chuff threatens to abolish all vegetables of every
kind if necessary."
Bleak sat in horrified silence.
"There is another aspect of the matter," said Quimbleton, "that touches
your profession very closely. Bishop Chuff is greatly annoyed at the
persistent use of the printing press to issue clandestine vinous
recipes. He solemnly threatens, if this continues, to abolish the
printing press. This is to be the Twentieth Amendment. No printing
press shall be used in the territory of the United States. Any man
found with a printing press concealed about his person shall be
sentenced to life imprisonment. Even the Congressional Record is to be
written entirely by hand."
The editor was unable to speak. He reached for the decanter, but found
it empty.
"Very well then," said Quimbleton. "The facts are before you. I suppose
The Evening Balloon has made its customary enterprising preparations to
report the big parade?"
"Why, yes," said Bleak. "Three photographers and three of our most
brilliant reporters have been assigned to cover the event. One of the
stories, dealing with pathetic incidents of the procession, has already
been written--cases of women swooning in the vast throng, and so on.
The Balloon is always first," he added, by force of habit.
"I want you to discard all your plans for describing the parade," said
Quimbleton. "I am about to give you the greatest scoop in the history
of journalism. The procession will break up in confusion. All that will
be necessary to say can be said in half a dozen lines, which I will
give you now. I suggest that you print them on your front page in the
largest possible type."
From his pocket he took a sheet of paper, neatly folded, and handed it
across the table.
"What on earth do you mean?" asked Bleak. "How can you know what will
happen?"
"The Corporation has spoken," said his host. "Let us go indoors, where
you can read what I have written."
In a small handsomely appointed library Bleak opened the paper. It was
a sheet of official stationery and read as follows:--
THE CORPORATION FOR THE PERPETUATION OF HAPPINESS
Cable Address: Hapcorp
Virgil Quimbleton, Associate Director
1316 Caraway Street
Owing to the intoxication of Bishop Chuff, the projected parade of the
Pan-Antis broke up in confusion. Federal Home for Inebriates at Cana,
N.J., reopened after two years' vacation.
"Is this straight stuff?" asked Bleak tremulously.
"My right hand upon it," cried Quimbleton, tearing off his beard in his
earnestness.
"Then good-night!" said Bleak. "I must get back to the office."