I had the cureosity one day to arsk a lerned gennelman on whom I was
waiting, whether the poor fellers who lived in the world ever so many
hundred years ago had got any Copperashuns. He pretended not to
understand me at fust, and said, with a larf, as he dared say as they
was made much as we was; that is to say, sum with large ones, and some
with little ones; but when I xplained what I reely meant, he told me as
they had, speshally amung the Romuns as lived in Ittaly. He was a werry
amusing Gent, and when I arsked him what langwidge the Romuns torked, he
tried to gammon me as they all spoke Latin, ewen the little children and
all, but in coarse I wasn't quite such a hignoramus as to swaller that,
as my son +William+, who isn't by no means a fool, learnt Latin at Skool
for three year and tells me as he carn't speak it a bit. The lerned gent
also told me as it was such a rum tung to speak that they hadn't not no
word for "Yes!" So that if a Gent of those long days had bin a dining at
the "Ship and Turtle" an bin a waited on by an Hed Waiter, like me, and
had said to him "Woud you like arf-a-crown, Waiter?" the pore feller
woodn't have been able to say, "Yessir!" I was jest a leetle shocked at
his torking such rubbish to me, it was hardly respekful, speshally as he
had ony drunk one pint of Bollinger and one of our 63 Port, but its
astonishing how heasily sum peeple's heds is affected. I was in hopes as
he woud have tried the experymint on me, but he didn't, but went smiling
away.
I shood werry much have liked to have heard a good deal more about them
werry old Copperashuns, and weather they was to be compared to that
werry old 'un as I nose so well and respecs so ighly, for good deeds as
well as good living. Take their werry last one as a sample. Earing of
what was a going on down at Kilburn on Guy Fox day, and finding as the
return train would bring me back in time for my perfeshnal dooties, I
went there and found thowsands of peeple all met in a nice little new
Park, that the old +Lord Mare+ was a coming down to fust of all crissen,
and then throw open to the publick. And down he came accordingly in his
full state Carridge, and his full state Footmen, and his full state
Sherryiffs, and their full state Carridges and Footmen, jest for all the
world as if he was a going to make a call on a few Royal Princes and
Dooks, insted of opening a new Park surrounded by numbers of the reel
working-classes. But he always has bin a reel gennelman, and never makes
no difference atween rich and poor when he can do some good. I wasn't
quite near enuff to hear what he said when he made his speech, but a
werry respectable reporter arterwards told me, that the +Lord Mare+ had
written a letter to +Queen Wictoria+ to ask if he might call the Park
after her. And she had wrote to him in reply, "Deer +Handsum+, as
there's alreddy a Wictoria Park, you may call this here one the Qween's
Park. Pleas to remember this 5th of Nowember, Yours trewly, W. R. I."
When the +Lord Mare+ enounced this pleasing intelligence, thus simply
exprest, lorks how we did all cheer, and a little band that had bin hid
in a little tent, struck up the hole of arf a werse of _God Save the
Queen_, at which we all took off our hats, footmen and all, and braved
the bitter blarst with our bare heds. Ah, that's wot I calls trew
loyalty, and long may it continue, not the cold bitter blarst, but the
warm sweet loyalty, for I'm sorry to say as the unusual xposure guv me a
bad cold.
I got back just in time for the Bankwet. The +Lord Mare+ with his usual
kindness had let the Chairman of the Committee, the sillibrated Mr.
+Woodbacon+, the grate bookseller, take the Chair, and a remarkabul good
un he made, setting so good a xample as regards short speeches as made
ewerybody follow suit.
And now what was this hole proceeding all about? This is what I learnt
from what was said:--
It wood seem then, that at Kilburn where it was wunce all green feelds,
there has growed up a reglar crowd of working peeple with far more than
their fair share of children and as the feelds has all come for to be
bilt over, the poor little children afoursaid have been obleeged to do
their playing in the streets, and the nateral or rather unnateral
consequence has follered, as that numbers of the poor little deers was
run over and killed. So a nice little Park has been made for 'em all to
play in, where they can injoy their fresh hair and releeve their poor
Mother's minds, and grow up red and strong and harty, instead of white
and weak and wan. And the old Copperashun having put it all ship shape,
and promist to keep it all in order for hever, arsked the +Lord Mare+ to
go down and open it, as he did, and in sitch full state that one of the
natives said as it was like a lot of sunbeams suddenly cumming out on a
clowdy day. So the +Lord Mare+ finished his long list of good deeds by
adding one more to 'em, and the Copperashun added one more Open Space to
the many they has either secured or helped to secure. So wenever I hears
a sneer at 'em I shall say, "Please to remember that 5th of November!"
+Robert.+
* * * * *
+Barnum's+ Show burnt. Of course he will rise like an American ph[oe]nix
from the ashes. He will advertise it as Burnum's Show.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "PRAVE 'ORTS."
"+By the bye, dear Professor, which would _you_ say--_Abiogen-esis_, or
_Abiogen[=e]s-is_?+"
"+_Neither_, my dear Madam, if I could possibly help it!+"]
* * * * *
+An Important Summing-up.+ (_By Our Own Special Reporter in the
recent case of Somebody or Other v. Another Person of the name of_
+Barley+).--Mr. Justice +Mathew+ regretted being compelled to decide
against +Barley+ on the question of "quantities." Of course, there had
been an error on the part of the highly respectable Corporation of
Ramsgate, which might be characterised as a "sin of commission," while
the neglect of their clerk to enter their arrangement with +Barley+ on
the minutes was a "sin of omission." All the witnesses in this case must
be believed, as they had, _a propos_ of +Barley+, taken their oats--he
should say their oaths. Perhaps when the present statute came to be
revised, Mr. +Barley+ might act for the town, for which it appears he
had done good service, and +Barley+ would not have to hide under a
bushel. It was clear that this sort of +Barley+ was worth more than the
present price of 28_s_. a quarter. Counsel on both sides had made an
eloquent display of wheat--he begged pardon, he meant "wit"--and if in
this judgment he had to tread on anyone's corn, he assured them that to
do so went against the grain. As an official, +Barley+ would have the
sack, but sack and all could be taken up to another Court, and there, as
a German speaking French would say, _On beut Barley_, about it still
further. (The Jury thanked his Lordship, and all the parties left the
Court much pleased, humming _All about the Barley_.
* * *
"They acted a Greek Play at Cambridge, my dear," said Mrs. +Ram+ to a
friend, "and fancy, it was written, as I am informed, by a young lady,
Miss +Sophie Klees+. I suppose she is a student of Girton. How clever!
_I_ couldn't write it, I'm sure."
* * *
_The "Quart d'heure de Rabelais,"_ if translated into Anglo-French, may
be taken to express a bad time of it with the roughs in Trafalgar
Square, _i.e., a mauvais quart d'heure de Rabble--eh_?
* * *
The Works of +Charles Dickens+ must have achieved great popularity in
South Eastern Europe, where there is an entire country called Boz-nia.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE NEW SCHOOL.
_Schoolboy (aged 16)_. "Good-bye, old Chappies! Can't waste any more
time with you. 'Good business'!"]
* * * * *