Have I said that I was too near men? Heaven help me, for some days in
succession I have been taking strolls in the forest, saying good morning
and pretending I was in human company. If it was a man I imagined beside
me, we carried on a long, intelligent conversation, but if it was a woman,
I was polite: "Let me carry your parcel, miss." Once it must have been the
Lapp's daughter I seemed to meet, for I flattered her most lavishly and
offered to carry her fur cloak if she would take it off and walk in her
skin; tut, tut.
Heaven help me, I am no longer too near men. And probably I will not build
that peat hut still further away from them.
The days grow longer, and I do not mind. The truth is that in the winter I
suffered privation and learned much in order to master myself. It has
taken time and sometimes a resolute will, so it cannot be denied that I am
paying for my education rather dearly. Sometimes I have been needlessly
stern with myself.
"There is a loaf of bread," I said. "It doesn't surprise me, it doesn't
interest me; I am used to it. But if you see no bread for twelve hours, it
will mean something to you," I said, and hid the bread away.
That was in the winter.
Were they dreary days? No, good days. My liberty was so great that I could
do and think as I pleased; I was alone, the bear of the forest. But even
in the heart of the forest no man dares speak aloud without looking round;
rather, he walks in silence. For a time you console yourself that it's
typically English to be silent, it's regal to be silent. But suddenly you
find this has gone too far, your mouth begins to wake, to stretch, and
suddenly to shout nonsense.
"Bricks for the palace! The calf is much stronger today!"
Perhaps if your voice is strong, the sound will carry for a quarter of a
mile--but then you feel a sting as though after a slap. If only you had
kept your regal silence! One day the postman who crosses the fjeld once a
month came on me just as I had shouted.
"What?" he called from the wood.
"Careful below!" I called back to save my face. "I've put out a trap."
But with the longer days, my courage grows; it must be the spring that
causes this mysterious revival within me, and I no longer fear a shout
more or less. I needlessly rattle my pots and pans as I cook, and I sing
at the top of my voice. It is spring.
Yesterday I stood on a hillock and looked out across the wintry woods.
They have a different expression now; they have gone gray and bedraggled,
and the midday sun has thawed down the snow and diminished it. There are
catkins everywhere, drifts of them in the underbrush, looking like letters
of the alphabet piled in a heap. The moon rises, the stars break forth. I
am cold and shiver a little, but I have nothing to do in the hut, and
prefer to shiver as long as possible. In the winter I did nothing so
foolish, but went home if I was cold. Now I'm tired of that, too. It is
the spring.
The sky is pure and cool, lying wide open to all the stars. There is a
great flock of worlds up in that endless meadow, tiny, teeming worlds, so
tiny that they are like the sound of a tinkling bell; as I look at them, I
can hear thousands of tiny bells. Yes, certainly I am being drawn more and
more toward the grassy slopes of spring.
V
I fill the fireplace with pine wood, hoist my belongings to my back, and
leave the hut. "Farewell, Madame."
That was the end.
I feel no pleasure at leaving my shelter, but a touch of sadness--as I
always do on leaving a place that has been my home for some time. But all
the world stands outside calling to me. Indeed I am like all lovers of the
woods and fields; wordlessly we had agreed to meet, and as I sat there
last night, I felt my eyes being drawn to the door.
Several times I look back at the hut, with the smoke rising up from the
chimney; the smoke billows and waves to me, and I wave back.
The silky pallor of the morning refreshes me; in a long blue haze over the
forest, a slow dawn rises. It looks like a cheerful piratical coast in the
sky before me. The mountains are all on my left.
After a few hours' march I am like new from top to toe, and I press on
swiftly. I beat the air with my stick, and it says "hoo" as it swishes;
whenever I think I deserve it, I sit down and give myself food.
No, you have not my pleasures in the town.
I beat my legs with my stick from the sheer exuberance of living, and
nearly cry out. I behave as though the burden on my back had no weight,
taking needless leaps, and overexerting myself a little; but an
overexertion to which one is driven by inner content is easy to bear. In
my solitude, many miles from men and houses, I am in a childishly happy
and carefree state of mind, which you are incapable of understanding
unless someone explains it to you. I play a little game with myself,
pretending to have discovered a remarkable kind of tree. At first I pay
little attention, then I stretch my neck and contract my eyelids and gaze.
"What!" I say to myself. "Surely it couldn't be--"
I throw down my burden and approach, inspect the tree and nod sagely,
saying it is a strange, fabled tree that I have discovered. And I take out
my notebook and describe it.
Merely jest and happiness, a queer little impulse to play. Children have
done it before me. And here comes no postman to surprise me. As suddenly
as I have begun the game, I end it again, as children do. But for a moment
I was transported back to the dear, foolish bliss of childhood.
Perhaps it was the anticipation of soon seeing men again that made me
playful and happy!
Next day, just as a raw mist descends on mountain and forest, I reach the
Lapp's house. I enter. But though I meet with nothing but kindness, a Lapp
hut contains little that is interesting. There are spoons and knives of
bone on the peat wall, and a small paraffin lamp hangs from the roof. The
Lapp himself is a dull nonentity who can neither tell fortunes nor
conjure. His daughter has gone across the field; she has learned to read,
but not to write, at the village school. The two old people, husband and
wife, are fools. The whole family share a sort of animal dumbness; if I
ask them a question, I may or may not get half a reply: "Mm-no, mm-yes." I
am not a Lapp, and so they distrust me.
All the afternoon the mist lay white on the forest. I slept a while. In
the evening, the sky was clear again, and there were a few degrees of
frost. I left the hut. The moon stood full and silent above the earth.
Heigh-ho--what untuned strings!
But where are the birds all gone away,
and what kind of place is this?
Here where I stand nothing moves or stirs,
in this world that is dead, no event occurs;
I stand in a silvermine.
My eyes sweep round, but I sorely miss
a homely, well-known outline.
And so he came to a silver wood--
thus ran an ancient tale.
Here rests a song of shimmering fire
as though it were sung by a starry choir.
And swift in my youth, I leap
to bind fast the troll, the cunning male,
and awaken a maid from her sleep.
Today I smile at childish tales,
old age has made me wise.
Once proudly in prodigal youth I trod,
now by age my foot is heavily shod;
yet my heart--my heart would fly.
I am driven by fire and bound by ice,
no rest nor repose have I.
A shuddering chill falls on the night,
like a cloud from the lungs in the cold.
There passed a great gust through the silver lace
of the woods, like a lion's royal pace
on paws that are soundless and still.
It may be a god on his evening stroll.
The roots of the forest thrill.
When I returned to the hut, the daughter had also returned home, and sat
eating after her long march. Olga the Lapp, tiny and queer, conceived in a
snowdrift, in the course of a greeting. "_Boris_!" they said and
fell on their noses.
She had bought red and blue pieces of cloth at the draper's shop in the
village, and no sooner had she finished eating than she pushed the cups
and plates away and began to embroider her Sunday jacket with pretty
strips of the cloth. All the while she never spoke a word, because a
stranger was in the room.
"You know me, Olga, don't you?"
"Mm."
"But you look so angry."
"M-no."
"How's the snow track across the fjeld?"
"All right."