The next day found Chicago enveloped in one of the worst snow-storms
that had ever come out of the north. Of course the idea of my going to
the Wisconsin woods was out of the question. It was impossible even to
leave the house. All the trains were stalled, and many wires were down.
I could not have gone, even had I tried. So I was obliged to remain at
home, and even Holmes did not appear at the house, though he telephoned
to say he would be up as soon as the storm stopped.
Shut in as we were in a great city caught in the paralyzing grip of a
snow-storm, I did not come out of my exalted mood of intense happiness.
All through that long day, when I had nothing to do but to watch the
blinding snow and the vehicles and people that had dared to venture
out, I was with Roger, alone, this time, never to be parted again.
All the barriers were down between us. All we knew was that we loved
each other. What did anything else matter? My work? Ah, it was a poor,
feeble little spark that had fluttered out before this vast flame in my
heart. I had no room, no thought, for anything else.
I loved. I had loved for many months in hunger and work and pain, and
now at last the gods had rewarded me. My love was returned; Roger
loved me. That was the most wonderful, the most beautiful, the most
miraculous thing that had ever occurred in the world.
The telephone was ringing all day, and so was the door-bell. Mama, who
wandered in and out to chat with me about the storm or other things,
kept grumbling. She said some one had been trying to get Margaret on
the long-distance telephone all day, but Margaret had to go out on a
case. Whoever it was, he would leave no message.
Once I answered the telephone myself, and though the voice sounded as
if it was far away, I fancied the voice was Roger's. Oh, I had only him
on my mind! It was some one for Margaret, and when I said:
"I'm Miss Ascough. Can't I take a message?" he replied:
"No," and rang off.
Margaret came in about five, and when we told her about the telephone,
she seemed much mystified, and called up the information bureau and
asked who had called her, and the bureau said Richmond had been calling.
Naturally, we were surprised that the calls were really from Richmond,
and we were sure it must be Roger. Mama said he was probably anxious
about me, but I could not help wondering why, if it was he on the
telephone, he had not spoken to me. Margaret said it was probably his
secretary or a clerk, and when I spoke of the voice, she said all
Southern voices were alike.
She was called out again as soon as she had changed her clothes; but it
was only in the neighborhood, and she had only thrown a shawl about her
and run out, saying I was to take any messages that came.
So when a telegram came, I signed for it, and then, though it was
addressed to Margaret, I opened and read it, thinking it might be
important. I couldn't for the life of me understand it, and I handed it
to mama. She read it, glanced at me, and then said that Margaret would
probably understand.
It was really from Roger, but why he should telegraph Margaret not to
let me see some papers, I could not understand. This was the telegram:
On no account let Nora see the papers.
While I was puzzling over this, Margaret came in, and I gave her the
telegram. She took a long time to read it, and then she said carelessly
that he referred to some papers,--deeds and things like that,--and he
probably wished to surprise me.
It was a poor sort of explanation, but it satisfied me. I was too far
up in the clouds to give the matter much thought, so Margaret and mama
and I had dinner together. I prepared spaghetti, a dish of which they
were fond, and which I made better than any one else. However, I burned
the spaghetti,--let it go dry,--and mama said:
"You're a nice cook, with your mind away off in Richmond."
Margaret was in the pantry, but I knew she was listening. I said, after
giving mama a squeeze for forgiving me about the spaghetti:
"You're going to find out a thing or two about him soon. You don't know
what a beautiful character he has, and you know very well no man ever
had a nicer smile than Roger."
Mama nodded, and went on stirring what she was cooking.
"You're a foolish old angel," I went on. "You just don't like him
because you're fond of me. Well, if it weren't for me, you would like
him, wouldn't you, Mama?"
She said:
"It may be a case of prejudice, dearie, but he's got to 'show' me
first, though."
"Oh, he will," I assured her. "You'll see." Then I added: "Anyhow,
you'll admit that he does care for me, won't you?"
"Any one can see with half an eye that he's head over heels in love
with you; but--"
Margaret had come out of the pantry, and she banged some things down so
noisily that we both jumped.
"For heavens' sake! don't talk about that man!" she said.
Then mama and I laughed, and we had dinner. I had been up-stairs only a
few minutes after dinner when I heard Margaret at the telephone again.
I went down to learn what the trouble was. As I was going down I heard
her say:
"It's impossible. A dog couldn't go out in a storm like this." Then
after a moment, she added, "I said I'd do what I could," and then: "You
needn't thank me. It's not on your account, d---- you!" She hung up the
receiver.
"Who was that?" I asked. She answered savagely--she she had never
spoken so crossly to me before:
"None of your business!" and slammed out into the kitchen.
The storm abated during the night, and by morning it had ceased; but
the city was still snow-bound, though workers were out all night
clearing the streets, and an army of snow-shovelers went from house
to house as soon as daylight came. They began ringing our door-bell
as early as six o'clock, and that awoke me; so I dressed and went
down-stairs. Margaret was ahead of me. I went to the porch to get the
papers, but she was irritable because I opened the door and let in the
cold. She said she wished to goodness I'd stay in my own room.
At breakfast we were without the papers, and Margaret told mama they
had not come. The storm had probably prevented their delivery. I said
I didn't mind running out to the nearest newsstand, but she said:
"For heaven's sake! Nora, find something to amuse yourself with without
chasing wildly round! Now the storm's over, that man Holmes will be
here, and you'd better get ready."
So, though I thought we'd have some difficulty in getting a
train,--none was running on time,--I packed the few things I intended
to take with me.
If any one sees anything particularly immoral in my calmly preparing
to go on a trip with this man, I beg him to recall all of my previous
experiences with him. He had never done anything that caused me to fear
him, and now he could do nothing that would have been wrong in my eyes.
I was love's passionate pilgrim. I could not look ahead; I turned not a
glance back; I only thrilled in the warmth of the dear present.
About ten, Holmes arrived. He said we could get a train at eleven and
one at four. The four o'clock one would be better, as by that time
the snow would be cleared off; but Mr. Hamilton had telephoned and
telegraphed instructions that we should take the very first train.
So, then, with my bag packed, I came down-stairs, and went to the
kitchen to say good-by to Margaret and mama. When I opened the door,
they sprang apart, and I saw the morning paper in their hands; mama
was crying. All of a sudden I had a horrible fear that something had
happened to Roger, and I sprang over and tried to take the paper from
mama. She tried to put it behind her, and we struggled for the sheet,
but Margaret cried out:
"For God's sake! let her have it! We may as well end this."
And then I had the paper.
It was on the front page, so important was he, that vile story. I saw
his face looking up at me from that sheet, and beside him was a woman,
and under her picture was another woman. The type danced before me, but
I read on and on and on.
And this was my love, my hero, my god--this married man whose wife
was divorcing him because of another woman; whose husband in turn had
divorced her because of him, Roger Avery Hamilton. I read the sordid
story; I read the woman's tale in court, of his many infidelities,
which had begun soon after their marriage, of the fast life he had led,
and of his being named as co-respondent by his best friend in Richmond,
whose wife had admitted the truth of the charge, and had been cast out
by her husband.
This wife of his, of whose existence I had never even dreamed, said
in an interview that although she did not believe in divorce and had
endured her husband's infidelities for years, she was now setting him
free for the sake of the other woman, whom he was in honor bound to
marry. They had all been friends, they were of the same social set,
and the relations between this woman and Hamilton, his wife declared,
had existed for three years, and still continued.
If one's body were dead, and the mind still alive, how might that
vital, mysterious organ find utterance through the paralyzed body? I
have often wondered. Now I was like one dead. There was no feeling in
any part of my body but my poor head, and through it surged, oh, such
a long, long, weird procession of all the scenes of my life since I
had left my home! It seemed as if every one I had ever known danced
like fantastic shades across my memory, each one in turn beckoning to
me or beating me back. And through that throng of faces, blotting out
the black one of Burbank, the sensual one of Dr. Manning, the kind,
grotesque face of O'Brien, and the rough, honest mask of Bennet, like
a snake _his_ bitter face rose, and stared at me with his half-closed,
cruel eyes.
I was before the fireplace where I had often sat with him. Some one,
mama or Margaret, had brought me there. They fluttered in and out of
the room like ghosts, and they spoke to me and cried over me, but I do
not know what they said. I had lost the power of hearing and of speech.
I tell you I was dead--dead.
Then that little valet of his came up to the room and asked me if I was
ready!
"Go away! Go away!" I murmured peevishly when he came around in front
of me and looked at me curiously. Then Margaret came in and called
shrilly at him:
"You get out of here--you and your d---- master!"
That commotion, I think, roused me slightly, for I went to my room, and
I took from my lower drawer all of the foolish little things of his
that I had collected at various times and treasured. I gathered them up
in a large newspaper, carried them into his room, and dumped them into
the fire.
Then I took that newspaper and spread it out on the desk, and I read
the story all over again, slowly, because my brain worked like a clock
that has run down and pulls itself to time only in spasmodic jerks. I
found myself studying the picture of that woman who was not his wife. I
cared nothing about the wife, but only of that other one, the woman his
wife said he still loved.
She was all the things that I was not, a statuesque beauty, with a form
like Juno and a face like that of a great sleepy ox. Beside her, what
was I? Women like her were the kind men loved. I knew that. Women like
me merely teased their fancy and curiosity. We were the small tin toys
with which they paused to play.
I crushed that accursed sheet. No, no, she was not better than I. Strip
her of her glittering clothes, put her in rags over a wash-tub, and she
would have been transformed into a common thing. But I? If you put
_me_ over a wash-tub, I tell you _I_ would have woven a romance, aye,
from the very suds. God had planted in _me_ the fairy germs; that I
knew.
But rage! What has it ever done to heal even the slightest hurt or
wound? Oh, I could tramp up and down, up and down, and wring my hands
till they were bruised, but, alas! would that bring me any comfort?
I went back to my own room, and I packed not my clothes--those clothes
he had paid for, but my manuscripts. They at least were all my own.
They filled my little old black bag--the bag I had brought from Canada.
Margaret came to my door, and when she knocked I controlled my voice
and said:
"I am busy. Go away."
"O Nora dear, Mr. Hamilton is on the 'phone," she said. "He is calling
from Richmond. He wants to speak to you, dearie."
"I will never speak to him again," I declared.
"O Nora," she said, "he is coming to you now. He is taking a special
train. I am sure he can explain everything. He says that he can, dear."
"Everything is explained. I know _now_," I replied. Yes, that was true.
I did know now.
I went stealing down the stairs on tiptoe. They had relaxed their
guard, and I had watched for this moment as craftily as only one can
who is insane, as indeed I was.
Outside the cold wind smote me. Snow was piled high on all sides.
I passed along through great banks of it, and I climbed over sodden
drifts and gigantic balls that children had rolled, and with my little
black bag I went down to the beach. Where it began, I do not know, for
I thought the white caps on the water, breaking against the shore, were
great drifts of snow; and I went plodding on and on till I came to the
water.
A policeman who had spoken to me when I turned down toward the lake
must have followed me, for suddenly he came behind me and said roughly:
"Now, none of that," and I turned around and looked at him stupidly,
only half seeing him.
He took me by the arm and led me away, and he asked me what was my
trouble, and when I did not answer (how could I, who could scarcely
speak at all?) he said:
"Some fellow ruin you?"
Ruin!
That word has only one meaning when applied to a woman. I had not been
ruined in the sense that Chicago policeman meant, but, oh, deeper than
that sort of ruin had been the damnatory effects of the blow that
he had dealt me! He had destroyed something precious and fine; he
had crushed my beautiful faith, my ideals, my dreams, my spirit, the
charming visions that had danced like fairies in my brain. Worse, he
had ruthlessly destroyed Me! I was dead. This was another person who
stood there in the snow staring at the waters of Lake Michigan.
Where was the heroic little girl who only a little more than a year
before, penniless and alone, had fearlessly stepped out into the
smiling, golden world, and boldly challenged Fate? I was afraid of that
world now. It was a black, monstrous thing, a thief in the dark that
had hid to entrap me.
O Roger, Roger! I loved you even as my little dog had loved me. If
you but glanced in my direction, I was awake, alert. If you smiled at
me or called my name, my heart leaped within me. I would have kissed
your hand, your feet; and when you were displeased with me, ah me! how
miserable I was! There was nothing you touched I did not love. The
very clothes you wore, the paper you had read and crushed, the most
insignificant of your personal belongings were sacred to me. I gathered
them up like precious treasures, and I hoarded them even as a miser
does his gold. I was to you nothing but a queer little object that
had caught your weary interest and flattered your vanity. You saw me
only through the cold eyes of a cynic--a connoisseur, who, seeking for
something new and rare in woman, had stumbled upon a freak.
The policeman said:
"I could run you in for this, but I'm sorry for you. I guess you went
'dotty' for a while. Now you go home, and you'll feel better soon."
"I have no home," I said.
"That's tough," he replied. "And you look nothing but a kid. Are you
broke, too?"
"No," I said, though I really was.
"Have you any friends?"
I thought painfully. Mama and Margaret were my friends, but I could not
go back there. _He_ was coming by a special train. O'Brien? O'Brien was
in New York. Bennet? I had stabbed Bennet even as Roger had stabbed me.
Who, then, was there?
Lolly; there was Lolly.
Drifts of feathery snow kept flying down from the housetops as the
policeman and I passed along, and as icicles came crashing down upon
the sidewalks he led me out into the middle of the road.
We came to Lolly's door, and the policeman rang the bell. I don't
know what he said to the woman when she answered the door, but I ran
by her and up the stairs to Lolly's room, and I knocked twice before
she answered. I heard her moving inside, and then she opened the door
and stood there with her blue eyes looking like glass beads, and a
cigarette stuck out between her fingers. And I said:
"O Lolly! _Lolly!_" She stood aside, and I went in and fell down on my
knees by the table, and threw out my arms upon it and my head upon them.
I felt her standing silently beside me for a long time, and then her
hand touched my head, and she did a strange thing: she went down on her
knees beside me, lifted up my face with her hand, just as Roger used to
do, and stared at me. Then she threw her arms about me and drew me up
close, and I knew that at last Lolly had forgiven me.
She could cry, but not I. I had reached that stage where tears are
beyond us. They precede the rainbow in our lives, and my rainbow had
been wiped away. I was out in the dark, blindly groping my way, and it
seemed to me that though there were a thousand doors, they were all
closed to me.
I was now sitting on a chair opposite Lolly. I had the feeling that I
was crumpled up, crushed, and beaten. My mind was clear enough. I knew
what had befallen me, but I could not see beyond the fog.
"I could have told you about him long ago," said Lolly, after a while.