"When the fight begins within himself,
The man's worth something."
--Browning.
Lenox, back at his writing-table, automatically took up his pen. But
five minutes later he still sat thus, looking straight ahead of him
into a future darkened by the encroaching shadow of opium, and
complicated by this new factor of open discord, which--apart from the
pain of finding division, where he had looked for unity--set all his
nerves on edge.
Hitherto, his distaste for friction, coupled with an almost unlimited
power of endurance, had inclined him to let matters slide. But now his
conscience--the accusing, spiritual thing that was himself--warned him
that if marriage meant compromise, it also meant responsibility; that
having been goaded into decisive speech, he stood pledged to decisive
action, for her sake, even more than for his own. Yet, at the moment,
he felt physically and mentally unfit to grapple with the complex
situation, hampered as he was by the experience of all that may spring
from one false move, one instant of unguarded speech; and the knowledge
that his insight, his judgment, were clouded by the insomnia, grinding
headache, and renewed wrestling with a power stronger than his will.
For there was no evading the truth, that, in the past weeks, the drug
had gained fresh hold upon him; had resuscitated the old paralysing
pessimism and dread of defeat, so that he asked himself bitterly what
right had he to sit in judgment upon any one, least of all upon the
dear woman who was the core and mainspring of his life?
Yet, fit or unfit, the need for action, for the rightful assertion of
authority, remained. He laid down his pen, planted an elbow on the
table, and covered his eyes; struggling for clear unprejudiced thought;
tormented by the consciousness of a certain small box hidden away in a
locked drawer within easy reach of his hand.
Suddenly he sat upright. The lines of his face hardened; a cold
moisture broke out upon his forehead; and the desperate look in his
eyes was an ill thing to see. Yet his movements had a strange
mechanical deliberation, as he opened the drawer, found the box, helped
himself from its contents, and, locking it up again, leaned back with
the long exhausted sigh of a man released from tension.
For several minutes he sat thus, arms folded, eyes closed; yielding
himself to the luxury of relief that stole over him, while the great
magician plucked the pain from throbbing nerves, unravelled the tangle
of thought and feeling, soothed brain and body like the touch of a
woman's hand.
But relief, as always, brought revulsion; this time sooner than usual;
because for many days he had held his own against the evil thing, and
had almost begun to believe himself on the upward grade.
"Damnation!" he broke out fiercely, and, the key being still in his
hand, flung it haphazard right across the room. It fell between a
heavy bookcase and the wall; and with a savage laugh of satisfaction,
he took up his pen, and began to write rapidly, without pausing to
select words or phrases. He tore it all up next morning, but for the
time being it served to distract his thoughts.
Presently he heard Quita's voice at the door.
"Eldred, aren't you coming to tea?"
"No," he answered, without looking round.
"Shall I bring you some, then?"
"No, thank you."
He turned his head just in time to catch sight of her as she closed the
door; then went on writing with less regard than ever for the matter in
hand.
In less than half an hour, Richardson's uneven footstep, betraying the
slight limp, sounded without. He paused so long on the other side of
the door, that Lenox's brows went up in surprise.
"That you, Dick?" he called out. "Come along in."
Richardson obeyed; and Lenox removed three or four books from an
adjacent chair.
"Sit down, old chap. You've not been in here often enough lately.
Chained to my wife's easel, eh?"
"Partly . . . yes," the other answered, absently fingering some loose
sheets of manuscript and ignoring the proffered chair.
"Wasn't sure, either, if you cared about being interrupted. I came in
now to say I thought of dining at mess to-night, and clearing out into
my own bungalow to-morrow. You've been uncommonly good to me, you and
Mrs Lenox. But I think I've been quartered on you long enough; and I
shall probably get back to duty next week."
He spoke rather rapidly, as if to ward off interruption or dissent; and
Lenox started at finding the initiative thus taken out of his hands.
It was not Quita's doing. He felt sure of that. But Dick's manner
puzzled him, and mere friendliness made acquiescence impossible.
"Well, you seem in a deuce of a hurry to be quit of us," he said, with
a short laugh. "Might as well stop till you do get back to duty; and
you might as well sit down and have a smoke, now you're here, instead
of standing there like a confounded subordinate, making havoc of my
papers!"
At that Richardson sat down rather abruptly, and helped himself from
his friend's cigar-case. He had small talent and less taste for
subterfuge; and, his pulses being in an awkward state of commotion, he
took his time over the beheading and lighting of his cigar. In fact he
took so long that Lenox spoke again.
"What do you suppose my wife will say to your bolting in this way, at a
moment's notice! Have you spoken to her yet?"
"No. I was afraid of seeming . . . ungracious; and one could speak
straighter to you."
"Does that mean you really won't stop on?"
"I think not, thanks. It's awfully good of you to suggest it. I can
look in, of course, if Mrs Lenox wants any more sittings. But I may as
well stick to my arrangement and go before she gets sick of having me
on her hands."
"You're a long way ahead of that, I fancy," Lenox remarked, with an odd
change of tone.
For a statement of that kind Richardson had no answer. He could only
acknowledge it with a rueful smile that did not lift the shadow from
his eyes. There were no sunbeams caught in Quita's 'bits of sea water'
just then; and for a while silence and tobacco-smoke reigned in the
room. Richardson, who appeared to be reading the closely written sheet
of foolscap at his elbow, was casting about in his mind for the best
means of saying that which must be said; while Lenox, watching him
keenly, arrived at the masculine conclusion that Dick had 'come a
cropper' over something, and possibly needed his help.
"Anything on your mind, old chap?" he asked bluntly, when the silence
had lasted nearly five minutes. And Richardson, taking his resolution
in both hands, looked up from the meaningless page.
"Yes, that's about it. Don't misunderstand me, Lenox. I'd sooner
work with you than with any man in creation; but--there are
difficulties . . . I can't put it plainer--and I'm thinking of
applying for a Staff appointment. My uncle in the Secretariat would
give me a helping hand, if you'd forward the thing with a decent
recommendation. But if you think me too much of a duffer for Staff
work, I must try--for an exchange----"
He could get no further; and Lenox, leaning across the corner of the
table, scrutinised his face with eyes that penetrated like a
searchlight.
"Well . . . I'm damned!" he said slowly. "Am I to understand that
after all we've pulled through together, you want to get away from the
Battery at any price?"
"It's not a question of what I want to do; it's what I've got to do,"
the other answered, averting his eyes.
"My good Dick, you're talking in riddles. Have you taken temporary
leave of your senses? Or is it a case of 'urgent private affairs'?"
Lenox's tone had an edge to it. Of course the man was free to go where
he chose. But it had grown to be an understood thing between them that
they would work together as long as might be, and he could not conceal
his disappointment. Richardson knew this, and looked up quickly. It
was the worst quarter of an hour he had ever known. Facing Waziri
bullets was a small matter compared with this despicable business of
disappointing and deceiving his friend.
"It's urgent enough, God knows!" he answered desperately. "I can't say
more than that, Lenox. I swear I can't."
He looked straight at Lenox in speaking. And this time the older man's
gaze held him, in spite of himself, till the blood burned under his
fair skin; till he perceived, between shame and relief, that his secret
was his no longer; that Lenox had seen, and understood. His first
instinct was--to escape. Such knowledge shared was enough to strike
any man dumb.
"You _will_ recommend me, won't you, old chap?" he asked all in a
breath, with a forward movement, as if to rise and depart.
But Lenox reached across the table, and a heavy hand on his shoulder
pressed him back into his seat.
"No need to hurry away, Max. We've settled nothing yet."
The assurance of unshaken friendship in his altered manner, and in the
sudden use of Richardson's first name, automatically readjusted the
situation, without need of so much as a glance of mutual understanding,
which neither could have endured.
"I'm afraid I can't recommend you for Staff work," Lenox went on
quietly, as though dealing with a mere official detail, submitted for
his approval. "Not because you are a duffer, but because I can't spare
my right-hand man. I'm not an easy chap to work with, as you know.
But we've learnt one another's ways by now, and, unless political work
claims me, we can't do better than run the Battery together till you
get a command--and that's not far off now. As for your urgent need of
a change, if six months at home would suit you, I'll do my best to
square it. We might manage sick-leave, on the strength of your leg,
eh?"
Richardson breathed deeply.
"Thank you, Lenox. It's splendid of you. I'd be awfully glad of the
change."
"That's all right. And I tell you what, Dick," he paused, and smiled
upon his friend. "Hope I'm not taking an infernal liberty! But if you
can afford it--and if you can hit on the right girl--you might do worse
than bring a wife back with you. You're the sort that's bound to marry
some time, and you may take my word for it, thirty's a better age to
start than thirty-five."
Richardson laughed, and coloured again, hotly.
"It takes two to make that sort of start," he said, "And if a fellow
hits on the wrong one, it must be the very devil."
"Yes, by Jove, it must!" Lenox answered feelingly; adding in his own
mind that even with the right one, it could be the very devil, now and
again. "Think of poor Norton. But you'll have better luck, I hope.
About stopping on for the present, of course you must please yourself.
You'd be very welcome; and if you're afraid of taking up too much of my
wife's time, you can easily give me more of your company than you have
done so far. See how you feel about it to-morrow."
"Thanks, I will."
He rose now unhindered; and stood a moment hesitating, fired with a
very human wish to express his gratitude. But Lenox had accepted and
dismissed the whole incident in a fashion at once so impersonal, so
chivalrous, that his aching sense of disloyalty and unworthiness seemed
to have been tacitly wiped out, leaving one only course open to him--to
act as though that culminating hour of madness had never been.
"See you again before I start for mess," he said, as Lenox looked up.
And the dreaded interview--that should have broken up everything, yet
had altered nothing, save his own estimate of life--was over.
Lenox, left alone again, bowed his head upon his hands, and sat a long
time motionless, while the white flame of anger leaped and burned in
his brain; anger such as he had never yet felt towards his wife. The
spirit of his formidable uncle still so far survived in him that
instinctively he blamed the woman; blamed himself also because pride
and a strong distaste for self-assertion had inclined him to an
attitude of masterly inactivity. In this fine fashion, between them,
they had rewarded Dick for an unrecognised act of gallantry that might
well have cost him his life; and nothing now remained but to make such
inadequate atonement as the case admitted. Strange as it may seem, he
had never come so near to loving his friend as at that moment.
As for Quita--was there even the remotest chance that she also . . . ?
His brain refused to complete such a question. The thing was
unthinkable. But in any case his own duty stood out crystal clear.
When he had mastered his anger sufficiently to risk speech, he and she
must come to terms upon this thorny subject once for all. And he must
take his stand upon the bare rock of principle. Let her brand him
bourgeois, Covenanter, what she would. Dick's secret must be kept--at
any cost!