WALTER
Sorry, I’m so long, Miss Ethel.
ETHEL
You don’t look so very long to me. Fix the fire and see that everything
is ready for company, the Asterbilts are coming.
WALTER
The Asterbilts! You having those swell bugs here! You had better order a
butler and have him delivered at once.
_Exit Walter._
ETHEL
This is an awful state of affairs. Here the swellest people in town are
coming and we’re not ready. I didn’t much want to have them, but mother
insisted. She said it was time I ought to be getting acquainted with some
of the good people of the city. I’m not very ambitious, if they’re all
like Mr. Smith. Some idea he’s got of what love is; and father makes so
many mistakes. He simply can’t learn the city ways and this is the first
time we’ve invited in any society people. Well, it’s too late now to talk
about it—we’d might as—
_Enter Mr. Benson._
MR. BENSON
Mailed your letters, Ethel. Why, what’s up, girl—be ye cleanin’ house so
soon? Don’t think you’ll last if you go over this house at that pace.
ETHEL
We invited the Asterbilts for supper and we’d forgotten all about it
till it was past the time they were supposed to be here. They’re almost
an hour late now. This is enough to give one nervous prostration. Maybe
they’re not coming, though.
MR. BENSON
By jinks, I hope they’ll come. I was just wonderin’ the other day why we
couldn’t have in some of our neighbors and get acquainted a little. Why,
we don’t even know the people across the street from us. Out on the farm
we knew people from six to twelve miles around.
_Enter Mrs. Benson._
MRS. BENSON
The maid says everything is ready. Wonder why they don’t come or phone
us. I wish they wouldn’t come, now. Why, what will they think of us in
these clothes?
_Enter Walter. Hands Mrs. Benson a card._
MRS. BENSON
_Reading._
They’re here, show them up, Walter.
WALTER
I’m afraid I’m a poor butler.
_Exit._
MR. BENSON
I don’t see what there is to worry about—your clothes are clean and neat.
What more can they expect? By jinks, I don’t let a little thing like that
worry me.
_Enter Mr. and Mrs. Asterbilt, preceded by butler._
MRS. BENSON
_Shaking hands with Mrs. Asterbilt who holds hand high for fashionable
hand shake._
How do you do, Mrs. Asterbilt.
MRS. ASTERBILT
Good evening.
MRS. BENSON
I hope you’ll excuse—
MRS. ASTERBILT
_Interrupting._
Mrs. Benson, my husband.
MR. ASTERBILT
Mrs. Benson, it gives me very great pleasure to make your acquaintance.
MRS. ASTERBILT
And I suppose this is your daughter.
_Shakes hands with her._
MR. BENSON
Yes, that’s her.
MRS. ASTERBILT
You’re a very charming young lady.
MR. ASTERBILT
_Shaking hands with Ethel._
Indeed you’re very charming, Miss Benson.
MRS. BENSON
This is my husband, Mrs. Asterbilt.
MR. BENSON
_Makes a couple of attempts to shake hands with Mrs. Asterbilt and at
last finding her hand, which is held high, pulls it down and gives real
handshake._
I’m so glad ter know you, Mrs. Asterbilt. (_Shakes with Mr. Asterbilt._)
How do ye do, Mr. Asterbilt. By jinks, I’m glad you folks come this
evenin’. I was just tellin’ Ethel as how we didn’t know our next door
neighbor here in town. Do ye know, Mr. Asterbilt, I don’t think the town
folks are near as sociable as us country folks. Won’t ye take your wraps
off and stay a while?
MRS. ASTERBILT
_Removing wraps, hands them to Walter, who wads them all up in his arms
and drops Asterbilt’s hat._
I’m so sorry we were unable to get here for dinner or to let you know. We
fully intended to get here, but we went out auto riding in the country
and were detained by a breakdown. When we arrived home and saw we were
so late, we took our dinner at the cafe before coming. I hope our delay
hasn’t put you to any great anxiety. Since we couldn’t get here for
dinner, we thought we would call for a while, rather than disappoint you
completely.
_Exit butler with wraps._
MRS. BENSON
We’re very glad you did, won’t you be seated?
MR. BENSON
Indeed we’re glad you have come. Anyone is welcome at our house any time.
Don’t you know people aren’t so sociable as they uster be. Why, when I
was a boy we either called on some of our neighbors, or they called on us
every night of the week during the winter months. I’ve been noticin’ as
how the town folks don’t call at all unless they’re invited. By jinks,
come to think about it, you folks are the first to come since we’ve been
here, exceptin’ one of our neighbors from the farm.
_Begins slowly to remove shoes._
MR. ASTERBILT
By the way, Mr. Benson, what is your opinion of the commission form of
government this city is going to submit to the voters next election? You
know some of the cities have already adopted it and it is promising to
become quite popular.
MR. BENSON
Can’t say as I know much about it. If it’s anything like the commission
the grain and stock buyers get, I don’t think much of it. You see lots of
those fellers getting rich while many of the farmers who haul their grain
in to them are just barely holdin’ their own. So they’re wantin’ to make
a big thing outen the city people, too, are they?
MR. ASTERBILT
You have the wrong impression, Mr. Benson. This commission form of
government consists of several committees of three men each and each
committee has some special phase of city work to look after, such as
streets, parks, public health, etc.
ETHEL
Father, you’ll have to be reading up a little, so you’ll know which way
to vote at the election.
MR. BENSON
_Rubbing his feet._
Guess you’re right, Ethel.
MRS. ASTERBILT
Miss Benson, I don’t think I have seen you at any of the balls this
winter—it must be that you haven’t been introduced yet, for young ladies
are in quite a demand. I believe you would be a very graceful dancer.
ETHEL
I’ve been to a few social gatherings given by the young ladies’ society
of our church—we’ve had some real nice times.
MRS. ASTERBILT
Those will do for some people, I suppose, but you’re charming enough to
get into real society. I can give you the name of a fine dancing school
where you can learn to dance in a very short time. They guarantee to get
their pupils into society as soon as they have completed.
MR. BENSON
_Has been rubbing his feet, now places them on the back of a chair._
These pavements just tear my feet to pieces every time I go for a walk.
The cities talk about their improvements, why don’t they cover their
walks with rubber so as to save one’s feet? I’d lots rather have an old
cow path to walk on.
ETHEL
_Leaving room._
Father, may I see you for a moment?
_Exit._
MR. BENSON
I’ll be back in a moment, just go right on visitin’.
_Exit._
MRS. ASTERBILT
Do you folks like the city life better than the country life?
MRS. BENSON
I can’t say as we do—we miss our neighbors so.
MRS. ASTERBILT
You should get into society. We have some very cultured people in this
city, with high social standings. Your daughter is good looking enough to
marry a rich young man. You should give a ball in her honor.
_Enter Hiram Johnson. He looks around the room much awed by its splendor._
MRS. BENSON
_Rises to meet him._
Why, hello, Hiram.
HIRAM
How do you do, Mary? Golly, but you have a swell home! A feller told me
this was where you lived so I walked right in without knocking. This is a
swell room—don’t you sorter feel like a snake in a bird’s nest?
MRS. BENSON
How did you happen to come here?
HIRAM
I was just takin’ a little vacation to see the sights. Many of our
learned men get much of their education just traveling.
MRS. BENSON
Meet our company, Hiram. It’s Mr. and Mrs. Asterbilt.
HIRAM
_Shaking hands in a friendly way._
I’m glad to know any one whose friends to John and Mary. I knowed _they_
would soon get acquainted when they came here, for they’re so neighborly.
_Enter Mr. Benson with house slippers on._
MR. BENSON
By jinks, if it ain’t Hiram.
_Exit Mrs. Benson._
HIRAM
_Crossing to Benson._
Golly, John, you look like a house plant. I see right now that you’ll
have to get more sunshine, or this here city life will get the best of
you. How do you like the city life, anyway? Gee! but such a room!
MR. BENSON
The house is all right, but the life is pretty doggone dull.
HIRAM
Just what I told your son, Harry. The conveniences are all right, but
you’re just as much out of place as a pump handle on an ice house.
MR. BENSON
I suppose it is the only life for those that is brought up that way.
HIRAM
Sure, but it’s just as hard for a farmer to get used to city ways as it
is for a fish to get used to living on land.
_Enter Mrs. Benson._
MRS. ASTERBILT
Mrs. Benson, I think we had better be going.
MRS. BENSON
Oh, you musn’t go so soon—I have ordered a light lunch.
MRS. ASTERBILT
But we ought to be going, and then you’ll want to be visiting with your
neighbor.
HIRAM
Don’t let me be causing you to leave, the more the merrier. I wouldn’t
advise you to leave until after the lunch Mrs. Benson has prepared. She’s
the finest cook round, they always calls on her to make the biscuits for
the ladies’ aid doin’s at the church and picnics in the summer time. I’d
advise you to stay.
MR. ASTERBILT
Mr. Johnson, I suppose you are taking a little vacation to get away from
the monotony of the farm. It must be an awful dull place to spend one’s
life in.
HIRAM
By golly, you couldn’t pull me away from the farm with a train of
cars. Why what have you got in the city that’s pleasant? Ye haven’t
got anything but crowded streets and houses. Everything ye have is
artificial. Why you talk about the monotony, I’d like to know where ye
get any more than in the city. Why, everything in the city is always the
same. Ye never have any change unless some one starts a fire to get some
insurance and burns half the town down. Out in the country everything
grows up new every spring and we have the pleasure of seem’ nature at its
great work. What’s more pleasant than sowin’ a little seed and watchin’
hit go through all the stages till it gets to be a big plant? Why, look
at these flowers—I bet John paid no less than a dollar a head for ’em.
Out on the farm they will grow right in your own door yard. Ain’t that
right, John?
MR. ASTERBILT
That may be true, but what about your long winter?
HIRAM
Why, what can be more beautiful than to see nature asleep and covered
with a blanket of snow? Why, it makes ye have a feelin’ ye can’t explain.
And, golly, the feelin’ ye have when the sun begins removin’ the blanket
and all nature begins to wake up again. It makes ye feel like ye’d been
asleep with it and was wakin’ up with it and fresh for work. There’s
nothin’ like it. Ain’t that right, John?
_A maid enters carrying a tray full of large meat sandwiches._
MAID
Har your sanvitches bane vot yu vanted.
MRS. BENSON
_Taking tray and offering them to Mrs. Asterbilt._
Won’t you have one?
MRS. ASTERBILT
No, thanks. Really, Mrs. Benson, we must be going. We have had a very
delightful time. Will you ring for our cloaks?
MRS. BENSON
_Placing biscuits on table._
I’m sorry you people have to leave so soon.
_Rings for Walter._
MRS. ASTERBILT
I hope we haven’t inconvenienced you, Mrs. Benson, by our not being here
for dinner.
MRS. BENSON
Oh no, not at all. We were only going to have some sausage and sour
kraut. They’re not as good as what we make on the farm, but I thought
perhaps you’d like that better than anything.
_Enter Walter. Hiram takes a biscuit from tray and begins eating._
MRS. BENSON
Bring their wraps, Walter.
HIRAM
Mary, you sure haven’t forgot how to make those biscuits you used to make.
MRS. BENSON
But, Hiram, I didn’t make them. We have a maid to do the work here.
MR. BENSON
Yes, and by jinks, we haven’t had a good meal since.
HIRAM
By golly, that’s right, there isn’t anything like home cookin’. Ye
ought ter be back on the farm where ye can have eggs and bakin’ powder
biscuits and honey for breakfast—a nice young fried rooster for dinner
with good old white gravy, mashed potatoes, dressin’ and dumplin’s.
MR. ASTERBILT
Mr. Benson, here is my card. I’m running for commissioner of city
improvement. Hope I may have your vote at the election.
MR. BENSON
If you are a Republican, you can count on it.
MR. ASTERBILT
_Smiling._
Politically, I am.
_Enter butler with wraps._
MRS. BENSON
_Taking wraps and dismissing butler. Hands wraps to guests._
Now that you’ve made a start, I hope you will come often.
MR. BENSON
Sure, drop in often, and don’t wait for to be asked; ye’re welcome any
time.
MRS. ASTERBILT
Thank you very much. (_To husband_) Are you ready? (_Bowing to Mr. and
Mrs. Benson._) Good evening.
_Exeunt Mrs. Asterbilt and Mrs. Benson._
MR. ASTERBILT
_Shaking hands with Mr. Benson._
Good night, Mr. Benson.
MR. BENSON
Good night.
MR. ASTERBILT
Good night, Mr. Johnson. I’m glad I met you.
HIRAM
Same to you. Meetin’ a new friend gives me as much joy as findin’ a
dollar bill in my pocket that I didn’t know I had there. If ye ever get
out my way drop in and see me.
_Exeunt Mr. Asterbilt and Mr. Benson._
_Enter Ethel._
ETHEL
Well, if it isn’t Hiram! What possessed you to come to the city?
HIRAM
Just travelin’ round a little.
ETHEL
I didn’t suppose you traveled very much.
HIRAM
We didn’t use to, but now we take a trip most every year back to old
Ohio. Back to the old neighborhood where we were born and married. So
ye haven’t got married yet, have ye? Most birds finds a mate when they
get full feathered. Looks like you’d be catchin’ some of these rich city
fellers. They could line yer nest with feathers.
ETHEL
Oh yes, no doubt they could. How did you leave everybody at home?
HIRAM
Just like a rose in July. Saw your brother Harry the day before I left.
He sent a letter down for you. Said ter be sure and give it ter you and
not let the folks see it.
ETHEL
_Opens letter and reads to self—then to Hiram._
Oh, Hiram, listen to this.
_Enter Mr. and Mrs. Benson unobserved—stop and listen as Ethel reads.
Ethel reading._
I take it from your last letter, that the folks are out of place in
the city and discontented. I’m not surprised—in fact I looked for you
to write and tell me before, but I suppose you thought I couldn’t do
anything. But listen, I can and I am. I have it all planned. Just across
the road on the south quarter there is a piece of a building spot. I was
talking with the carpenters yesterday and they said they would be able to
start building the house next week. I have let them suffer as long as I
can. Out here they won’t have anything to do but to look after themselves
and enjoy life where they know how.
MR. BENSON
By jingo and jumpin’ John Rogers, I’m goin’ to-morrow.
_Curtain._
ACT II
_Scene_: _Picnic grounds in the country near Harry Benson’s farm. Scene
is at dinner-time on the picnic grounds. The band is heard playing in
the distance. Ethel, Jennie, and Mrs. Benson are busy taking food from a
large box. Mr. Benson is sitting on a spring buggy seat at one side of
the stage. Toy balloon whistles can be heard at different intervals, some
louder than others. Also auto horns tooting occasionally._
MRS. BENSON
_While working._
Ethel, I thought the pageant went just fine. Didn’t you, Jennie?
JENNIE
I certainly did. Ethel makes a mighty good milk-maid. That fellow in love
with her seemed to think the same thing.
MR. BENSON
By jinks, it did me a lot of good to see her snub that city feller.
ETHEL
I’m glad you all enjoyed it. It went better than we thought it would.
MRS. BENSON
How did you train that dog to walk across the stage like he did?
ETHEL
We didn’t—he walked across of his own accord. It fitted in the scene
fine, but I could hardly keep from laughing.
MRS. BENSON
Well, I declare, it looked just like he was supposed to do it. (_Looking
in box_) I can’t find any salt or pepper.
_Auto horns toot in the distance._
JENNIE
They’re wrapped up in some white paper in one corner.
MRS. BENSON
Here they are.
_Unwraps and puts on table._
JENNIE
Wonder what’s keeping Harry. I saw him right after the game, and he said
he’d be down in a little while. Which dish is the salad in, Ethel?
ETHEL
It’s in that large oval dish.
_Auto horn toots._
JENNIE
Do you know what we forgot? We forgot the sugar for the lemonade.
MRS. BENSON
Dear me, now what are we to do?
ETHEL
Do you remember I started to get it this morning when you asked me to
whip the cream for the cake? I never thought of it again.
JENNIE
I wonder if the Newtons would have any more than they want.
ETHEL
I’ll run up to where they are eating and see.
_Exit Ethel. Enter Harry in baseball suit._
HARRY
My, but this shady place feels refreshing. Wow! Such a hypnotizing odor.
Better watch me. I’m liable to go into a spell and eat the whole works. I
feel like a starved wolf.
MR. BENSON
What’s the matter with you fellers, Harry—didn’t I hear you say our club
had a better nine than the Lyon Club?
HARRY
Can’t expect to beat that umpire. We got another one for this afternoon’s
game and I’ll bet they don’t beat us then. That umpire this morning was
absolutely “rotten.” He called me out twice on second base and I was
there a mile before the ball both times. Called Jones out on a home base
and the catcher dropped the ball before he even touched him. We had to
strike at everything that came along, for he’d call it a strike anyway.
JENNIE
We hope you’ll beat this afternoon. Are you too tired to get a pail of
water from the spring?
HARRY
Not if you will have dinner ready when I get back.
_Takes bucket on exit._
MR. BENSON
I wonder why Hiram and his wife ain’t here to-day. They’re generally
along the first ones at a picnic.
MRS. BENSON
I was talking with her over the phone yesterday and she said they were
coming.
MR. BENSON
Doesn’t seem quite natural without Hiram around.
_Enter Ethel with Floyd._
ETHEL
Opal, I brought Floyd down to play with you.
OPAL
_Jumping from swing clapping hands._
Oh goodie, won’t you swing me, Floyd?
ETHEL
Here is lots of sugar.
JENNIE
Good, Harry has gone after the water.
MRS. BENSON
I guess everything is all ready when he gets here.
_Enter Harry with water._
HARRY
I feel just like a starved bear. If dinner isn’t ready I’m going to jump
in this bucket of water and drown myself.
_Ethel and Jennie busy making lemonade._
JENNIE
All we’d need to do would be to pour in this juice and sugar (_they do
so_) and you’d soon drink the pond dry.
HARRY
Yes, and I’d do it so quick I wouldn’t even get wet.
_Exit Opal and Floyd._
ETHEL
If you people are hungry, get around here, it’s all ready.
JENNIE
Grandma, you and grandpa sit around here.
HARRY
I’ll sit close to the salad.
_Has lemonade on box close to him—everybody takes seat, leaving two for
Opal and Floyd and enough to set one more plate._
JENNIE
I wonder where the children have gone to.
MRS. BENSON
I didn’t see them leave. I expect they went up to play with the Smith
children.
HARRY
When you run dry on lemo, just hand your cups this way. Will you pass the
buns, please?
JENNIE
You ought not to be hungry after eating that big breakfast this morning.
What do you think—he ate four eggs, six baking powder biscuits and about
a cup full of syrup, to say nothing about potatoes.
HARRY
Just the same I don’t believe pa would advise me to go to the city to
cure my appetite, would you pa?
MR. BENSON
I guess not, by jinks! We eat to live, so why not live where we have an
appetite for what we eat?
_Enters Hiram smoking corn-cob pipe._
HIRAM
Golly, but I’m just in time.
MR. BENSON
Hello, Hiram, come and have some dinner.
HIRAM
Well, I never turn daon’ a meal when I’m hungry. Got some of those good
biscuits, Mary?
_Ethel prepares a place._
MRS. BENSON
We’ve got some biscuits, but I can’t say as they’re very good.
HIRAM
_Lays pipe at side of stage—takes seat at table._
Wall, I can say it without ever tastin’ them. John, I reckon ye can’t say
ye haven’t had a good meal since you moved back ter the farm. I can’t
keep from talkin’ about you movin’ to the city. Ye thought everything was
going to be honey, but it turned out ter be merlasses. Ain’t I right,
John?
MRS. BENSON
Where’s Rachel, didn’t she come?
HIRAM
She woke up with a headache this morning. I wanted ter stay hum with her,
but she made me come down for a while. There seems to be a large crowd
here, to-day.
HARRY
A very large crowd. I never saw the like of autos as were out to the game.
HIRAM
John, what do you know about these fellers. Henry tells me they got beat.
HARRY
The umpire played a fine game.
HIRAM
That’s what Henry was tellin’ me, but I just laughed at him. Everybody
hates to acknowledge they’re whipped. John here even kinder hates ter say
the city got the best of him. Of course, that’s different then getting
beat in a game. It wasn’t any honor ter the city, but ye fellers were on
equal footin’ and both teams are used ter the grounds, while John here,
he was on a strange diamond. We never had umpires when I was a boy, but
we found plenty of other excuses for getting beat.
MR. BENSON
Harry says they’re goin’ to beat them this afternoon.
HARRY
You two just watch us and see. We got a good umpire and we’re going to
beat them on equal footin’ as you say.
_Enter Opal and Floyd, hold of hands—stop quick and stand looking._
JENNIE
You children are rather late—here’s your places around here between
grandma and me.
_They take places at table, Jennie places bib around them._
Where have you been?
FLOYD
We went up to play with Ruth and Harold. They’ve got a swing fastened
away up high and you can swing twice as far as you can with this one.
OPAL
It almost took my breath away.
HIRAM
The country’s the place to raise children in. Here they have all the
fresh air and good plain food ter make them grow. In the city they are
all crowded up together in a bunch. Their fresh air is all filled with
smoke. They have no place for the children to play exceptin’ in the parks
where they’re so careful with their hay they have signs all around ter
“keep off the grass.” Why, we have to raise their food for them, but they
don’t get it until it’s been in cold storage for a year or so or else
canned. I tell ye people, God intended fer us ter live in the country—if
He hadn’t He’d made the city instead. Ain’t that so, John?
JOHN
I hadn’t thought of it that way, but I guess you’re right.
HIRAM
Of course, I’m right.
FLOYD
We’re going back after dinner, ain’t we, Opal?
OPAL
Can we, mama?
JENNIE
Oh maybe, if you’ll not get in anybody’s way and not get hurt.
OPAL AND FLOYD
Oh, we won’t.
HARRY
Pass the salad, please.
HIRAM
How was your play, Ethel?
ETHEL
It went off very well.
HIRAM
We were wantin’ ter see it so bad—such a fine day for it, too. Do ye know
we’d enjoy a doin’s like that, where we know the actors, better than we
would a play we’d have ter pay three or four dollars to see in the city?
Ain’t that right, John?
JOHN
I guess you’re right, I never saw anything better anywhere.
HIRAM
Ethel, how about you? Do ye think ye’ll ever be wantin’ to move back?
Rachel and I was just talkin’ the other day about what a loss it would
be ter the community if you married a city feller and moved out; we were
just wonderin’ if there were any on yer track.
MRS. BENSON
You don’t need to worry. One rich feller tried it and he didn’t get her.
ETHEL
Mother, you shouldn’t tell my little secrets.
FLOYD
I’m ready to go.
_Begins leaving table._
OPAL
So am I.
JENNIE
Let me wipe your hands before you go.
_Wipes their hands and mouths._
FLOYD
_As he begins leaving stage before Opal is ready._
Hurry up, Opal!
OPAL
I’m coming. (_As they go skipping out._) Good-by, mama!
_Exeunt._
HIRAM
Ain’t that just like little tots? I tell ye, people, we don’t appreciate
being little till we’re old. Did ye ever notice how older people enjoy
sittin’ around talkin’ about the things they did when they were little?
Golly, but I’ll never forget the time when I was about three years old
and my mother started to walk over ter one of our neighbors that lived
about a mile and er half from our place. We didn’t get very far when I
wanted ter be carried. Well, she couldn’t carry me so fur so she goes
and breaks a hazel brush for a stick-horse and gives it ter me ter ride.
Wall, I can remember just as well as if it was yesterday, how I gets on
that stick-horse and begun ridin’, runnin’ on ahead kickin’ up my heels
and runnin’ side ways like a proud army horse. Then I’d get scared and go
to rearin’ and backin’. Then I run clear back again.
_Enters a little boy and begins fooling with swing._
Well sir, I rode that stick-horse all the way over and back and never
asked once to be carried again. Ye’ve got ter give a kid something to do
if you don’t want ter get into trouble.
Give a kid something to do
And he’ll grow up, pure, noble and true.
Ain’t that right, John?
MR. BENSON
I guess you’re right, that’s the way I was brought up.
ETHEL
_Speaking to boy at swing._
Hello, little man, why don’t you get in and swing?
_He does so._