THE INNER CONFLICT
September passed on its eventful way. Dangeau was very busy; there were
many meetings, much to be discussed, written, arranged, and on the
twenty-first the Assembly was dissolved, and the National Convention
proclaimed the Republic.
Dangeau as an elected member of the Convention had his hands full
enough, and there was a great deal of writing done in the little room
under the roof. Sometimes, as he came and went, he passed his pale
fellow-lodger, and noted half unconsciously that as the days went on she
grew paler still. Her gaze, proud yet timid, as she stood aside on the
little landing, or passed him on the narrow stair, appealed to a heart
which was really tender.
"She is only a child, and she looks as if she had not enough to eat," he
muttered to himself once or twice, and then found to his half-shamed
annoyance that the child's face was between him and his work.
"You are a fool, my good friend," he remarked, and plunged again into
his papers.
He burned a good deal of midnight oil in those days, and Rosalie
Leboeuf, whose tough heart really kept a soft corner for him, upbraided
him for it.
"Tiens!" she said one day, about the middle of October, "tiens! The
Citizen is killing himself."
Dangeau, sitting on the counter, between two piles of apples, laughed
and shook his head.
"But no, my good Rosalie--you will not be rid of me so easily, I can
assure you."
"H'm--you are as white as a girl,--as white as your neighbour upstairs,
and she looks more like snow than honest flesh and blood."
Dangeau, who had been wondering how he should introduce this very
subject, swung his legs nonchalantly and whistled a stave before
replying. The girl's change of dress had not escaped him, and he was
conscious, and half ashamed of, his curiosity. Rosalie plainly knew
all, and with a little encouragement would tell what she knew.
"Who is she, then, Citoyenne?" he asked lightly.
"Eh! the Citizen has seen her--a slip of a white girl. Her name is
Marie Roche, and she earns just enough to keep body and soul together by
embroidery."
Dangeau nodded his head. He did not understand why he wished to gossip
with Rosalie about this girl, but an idle mood was on him, and he let it
carry him whither it would.
"Why, yes, Citoyenne, I know all that, but that does n't answer my
question at all. Who _is_ Marie Roche?"
Rosalie glanced round. Indiscretion was as dear to her soul as to
another woman's, and it was not every day that one had the chance of
talking scandal with a Deputy. To do her justice, she was aware that
Dangeau was a safe enough recipient of her confidences, so after
assuring herself that there was no one within earshot, she abandoned
herself to the enjoyment of the moment.
"Aha! The Citizen is clever, he is not to be taken in! Only figure to
yourself, then, Citizen, that I find this girl, a veritable aristocrat,
weeping at the gates of La Force, weeping, mon Dieu, because they will
not keep her there with her friends! Singular, is it not? I bring her
home, I am a mother to her, and next day, pff--all her friends are
massacred, and what can I do? I have a charitable heart, I keep
her,--the marmot does not eat much."
Dangeau enjoyed his Rosalie.
"She earns nothing, then?" he observed, with a subdued twinkle in his
eye.
"Oh, a bagatelle. I assure you it does not suffice for the rent; but I
have a good heart, I do not let her starve"; and Rosalie regarded the
Deputy with an air of modest virtue that sat oddly upon her large,
creased face.
"Excellent Rosalie!" he said, with a soft, half-mocking inflection.
She bridled a little.
"Ah, if the Citizen knew!" she said, with a toss of the head, which,
aiming at the arch, merely achieved the elephantine.
"If it is a question of the Citoyenne's virtues, who does not know
them?" said Dangeau. He made her a little bow, and kept the sarcasm out
of his voice this time. He was thinking of his little neighbour's look
of starved endurance, and contrasting her mentally with the well-fed
Rosalie. He had not much confidence in the promptings of the latter's
heart if they countered the interests of her pocket. Suddenly a plan
came into his head, and before he had time to consider its possible
drawbacks, he found himself saying:
"Tell me, then, Citoyenne, does this Marie Roche write a good hand?"
"H'm--well, I suppose the nuns in that Convent of hers taught her
something, and as it was neither baking nor brewing, it may have been
reading and writing," said Rosalie sharply. "Does the Citizen wish her
to write him a billet-doux?"
To Dangeau's annoyed surprise he felt the colour rise to his cheeks as
he answered:
"Du tout, Citoyenne, but I do require an amanuensis, and I thought your
protegee might earn my money as well as another. I imagine that much
fine embroidery cannot be done in the evenings, and it would be then
that I should require her services."
"The girl is an aristocrat," said Rosalie suspiciously.
Dangeau laughed.
"Are you afraid she will contaminate me?" he asked gaily. "I shall set
her to copy my book on the principles of Liberty. Desmoulins says that
every child in France should get it by heart, and though I do not quite
look for that, I hope there will be some to whom it means what it has
meant for me. Your little aristocrat shall write it out fair for the
press, and we shall see if it will not convert her."
"It will take too much of her time," said Rosalie sulkily.
"A few hours in the evening. It will save her eyes and pay better than
that embroidery of hers, which as you say barely keeps body and soul
together. I hope we shall be able to knit them a little more closely,
for at present there seems to be a likelihood of a permanent divorce
between them."
Rosalie looked a little alarmed.
"Yes, she looks ill," she muttered; "and as you say it would be only for
an hour or two."
"Yes, for the present. I am out all day, and it is necessary that I
should be there. I write so badly, you see; your little friend would
soon get lost amongst my blots if she were alone, but if I am there, she
asks a question, I answer it--and so the work goes on."
"H'm--" said Rosalie; "and the pay, Citizen?"
Dangeau got down from the counter, laughing.
"Citoyenne Roche and I will settle that," he said, a little maliciously;
"but perhaps, my good Rosalie, you would speak to her and tell her what
I want? It would perhaps be better than if I, a stranger, approached
her on the subject. She looks timid--it would come better from you."
Rosalie nodded, and caught up her knitting, as Dangeau went out. On the
whole, it was a good plan. The girl was too thin--she did not wish her
to die. This would make more food possible, and at the same time entail
no fresh expense to herself. Yes, it was decidedly a good plan.
"It is true, I have a charitable disposition," sighed Rosalie.
Dangeau went on his way humming a tune. The lightness of his spirits
surprised him. The times were anxious. New Constitutions are not born
without travail. He had an arduous part to play, heavy responsible work
to do, and yet he felt the irrational exhilaration of a schoolboy, the
flow of animal spirits which is induced by the sudden turn of the tide
in spring, and the uplifted heart of him who walks in dreams. All this
because a girl whom he had seen some half-dozen times, with whom he had
never spoken, whose real name he did not know, was going to sit for an
hour or two where he could look at her, copy some pages of his, which
she would certainly find dull, and take money, which he could ill spare,
to bring a little more colour into cheeks whose pallor was beginning to
haunt his sleep.
Dangeau bit his lip impatiently. He did not at all understand his own
mood, and suddenly it angered him.
"The girl is an aristocrat--nourished on blind superstition, cradled in
tyranny," said his brain.
"She is only a child, and starved," said his heart; and he quickened his
steps, almost to a run, as if to escape from the two voices. Once at
the Convention business claimed him altogether, Marie Roche was
forgotten, and it was Dangeau the patriot who spoke and listened, took
notes and made suggestions. It was late when he returned, and he
climbed the stair somewhat wearily. He was aware of a reaction from the
unreasoning gaiety of the morning. It seemed cold and cheerless to come
back night after night to an empty room and an uncompanioned evening,
and yet he could remember the time, not so long ago, when that dear
solitude was the birthplace of burning dreams, and thoughts dearer than
any friend.
He had not felt so dull and dreary since the year of his mother's death,
his first year alone in life, and once or twice he sighed as he lighted
a lamp and bent to the heaped-up papers which littered his table. Half
an hour later, a low knocking at the door made him pause.
"Enter!" he called out, expecting to see Rosalie.
The door opened rather slowly, and Mlle de Rochambeau stood hesitating
on the threshold. Her eyes were wide and dark with shyness, but her
manner was prettily composed as she said in her low, clear tones:
"The Citizen desires my services as a secretary? Rosalie told me you had
asked her to speak to me----"
Dangeau sprang up. His theory of universal equality, based upon
universal citizenship, was slipping from him, and he found himself
saying:
"If Mademoiselle will do me so much honour."
Mademoiselle's beautifully arched eyebrows rose a little. What manner
of Deputy was this? She had observed and liked the gravity of his face
and the distant courtesy of his manner, or utmost privation would not
have brought her to accept his offer; but she had not expected
expressions of the Court, or a bow that might have passed at Versailles.
"I am ready, Citizen," she said, with a faint smile and a fainter
emphasis on the form of address.
For the second time that day Dangeau flushed like a boy. He was glad
that a table had to be drawn nearer the lamp, a chair pushed into
position, ink and paper fetched. The interval sufficed to restore him
to composure, and Mademoiselle being seated, he returned to his papers
and to silence.
When the first page had been transcribed, Mademoiselle brought it over
to him.
"Is that clear, and as you wish it, Citizen?"
"It is very good indeed, Citoyenne"; and this time his tongue remembered
that it belonged to a Republican Deputy. If Mademoiselle smiled, he did
not see it, and again the silence fell. At ten o'clock she rose.
"I cannot give you more time than this, I fear, Citizen," she said, and
unconsciously her manner indicated that an audience was terminated. "My
embroidery is still my 'cheval de bataille,' and I fear it would suffer
if my eyes keep too late hours."
Her low "Good-night," her scarcely hinted curtsey passed, even whilst
Dangeau rose, and before he could reach and open the door, she had
passed out, and closed it behind her. Dangeau wrote late that night,
and waked later still. His thoughts were very busy.
After some evenings of silent work, he asked her abruptly:
"What is your name?"
Mademoiselle gave a slight start, and answered without raising her head:
"Marie Roche, Citizen."
"I mean your real name."
"But yes, Citizen"; and she wrote a word that had to be erased.
Dangeau pushed his chair back, and paced the room. "Marie Roche neither
walks, speaks, nor writes as you do. Heavens! Am I blind or deaf?"
"I have not remarked it," said Mademoiselle demurely. Her head was bent
to hide a smile, which, if a little tremulous, still betokened genuine
amusement--amusement which it certainly would not do for the Citizen to
perceive.
"Then do you believe that I am stupid, or"--with a change of tone--"not
to be trusted?"
Mademoiselle de Rochambeau looked up at that.
"Monsieur," she said in measured tones, "why should I trust you?"
"Why should you trust Rosalie Leboeuf?" asked Dangeau, with a spice of
anger in his voice. "Do you not consider me as trustworthy as she?"
"As trustworthy?" she said, a little bitterly. "That may very easily
be; but, Monsieur, if I trusted her, it was of necessity, and what law
does necessity know?"
"You are right," said Dangeau, after a brief pause; "I had no right to
ask--to expect you to answer."
He sat down again as he spoke, and something in his tone made
Mademoiselle look quickly from her papers to his face. She found it
stern and rather white, and was surprised to feel herself impelled
towards confidence, as if by some overwhelming force.
"I was jesting, Monsieur," she said quickly; "my name is Aline de
Rochambeau, and I am a very friendless young girl. I am sure that
Monsieur would do nothing that might harm me."
Dangeau scarcely looked up.
"I thank you, Citoyenne," he said in a cold, constrained voice; "your
confidence shall be respected."
Perhaps Mademoiselle was surprised at the formality of the
reply,--perhaps she expected a shade more response. It had been a
condescension after all, and if one condescended, one expected
gratitude. She frowned the least little bit, and caught her lower lip
between her white, even teeth for a moment, before she bent again to her
writing.
Dangeau's pen moved, but he was ignorant of what characters it traced.
There is in every heart a moment when the still pool becomes a living
fountain, because an angel has descended and the waters are divinely
troubled. To Jacques Dangeau such a moment came when he felt that Aline
de Rochambeau distrusted him, and by the stabbing pain that knowledge
caused him, knew also that he loved her. When he heard her speak her
name, those troubled waters leapt towards her, and he constrained his
voice, lest it should call her by the sweet name she herself had just
spoken--lest it should terrify her with the resonance of this new
emotion, or break treacherously and leave her wondering if he were gone
suddenly mad.
He forced his eyes upon the page that he could not see, lest the new
light in them should drive her from her place. He kept his hand
clenched close above the pen, lest it should catch at her dress--her
hand--the white, fine hand which wrote with such clear grace, such
maidenly quiet, and all the while his heart beat so hard that he could
scarcely believe she did not hear it.
Ten o'clock struck solemnly, and Mademoiselle began to put away her
writing materials in her usual orderly fashion.
"You are going?" he stammered.
"Since it is the hour, Citizen," she answered, in some surprise.
He held the door, and bowed low as she passed him.
"Good-night, Citizen."
"Good-night, Citoyenne."
Mlle de Rochambeau passed lightly out. He heard her door close, and
shut his own. He was alone. A torrent as of emotion sublimed into fire
swept over him, and soul and body flamed to it. He paced the room
angrily. Where was his self-control, his patriotism, his determination
to live for one only Mistress, the Republic of his ardent dreams? A
shocked consciousness that this aristocrat, this child of the enemy, was
more to him than the most ardent of them, assaulted his mind, but he
repulsed it indignantly. This was a madness, a fever, and it would
pass. He had led too solitary a life, hence this girl's power to
disturb him. Had he mixed more with women he would have been safe,--and
suddenly he recalled Rosalie's handsome cousin, the Therese of his
warning to young Clery. She had made unmistakable advances to him more
than once, but he had presented a front of immovable courtesy to her
inviting smiles and glances. Certainly an affair with her would have
been a liberal education, he reflected half scornfully, half whimsically
disgusted, and no doubt it would have left him less susceptible. Fool
that he was!
Far into the night he paced his room, and continued the mental struggle.
Love comes hardly to some natures, and those not the least noble. A man
trained to self-control, master of his own soul and all its passions,
does not without a struggle yield up the innermost fortress of his
being. He will not abdicate, and love will brook no second place. The
strong man armed keepeth his house, but when a stronger than he cometh--
All that night Dangeau wrestled with that stronger than he!
It was some days before the evening task was interrupted again. If
Dangeau could not speak to her without a thousand follies clamouring in
him for utterance, he could at least hold his tongue. Once or twice the
pen in those resolute fingers flagged, and his eyes rested on his
secretary longer than he knew. Heavy shadows begirt her. The low roof
sloped to the gloom of the unlighted angles in the wall. Outside the
lamp-light's contracted circle, all seemed strange, unformed, grotesque.
Weird shadows hovered in the dusk background, and curious flickers of
light shot here and there, as the ill-trimmed flame flared up, or
suddenly sank. The yellow light turned Mademoiselle's hair to burnished
gold, and laid heavy shadows under her dark blue eyes. Its wan glow
stole the natural faint rose from her cheeks and lips, giving her an
unearthly look, and waking in Dangeau a poignant feeling, part spiritual
awe, part tender compassion for her whiteness and her youth, that
sometimes merged into the wholly human longing to touch, hold, and
comfort.
Once she looked up and caught that gaze upon her. Her face whitened a
little more, and she bent rather lower over her writing, but afterwards,
in her own room, she blushed angrily, and wondered at herself, and him.
What a look! How dared he? And yet, and yet--there was nothing in it
to scare the most sensitive maidenliness, not a hint of passion or
desire.
Out of the far-away memories of her childhood, Aline caught the
reflection of that same look in other eyes--the eyes of her beautiful
mother, haunted as she gazed by the knowledge that the little much-loved
daughter must be left to walk the path of life alone, unguarded by the
tender mother's love. Those eyes had closed in death ten years before,
but at the recollection Aline broke into a passionate weeping, which
would not be stilled. One of her long-drawn sobs reached waking ears
across the way, and Dangeau caught his own breath, and listened. Yes,
again,--it came again. Oh God! she was weeping! The unfamiliar word
came to his lips as it comes to those most unaccustomed in moments of
heart strain.
"O God, she is in trouble, and I cannot help her!" he groaned, and in
that moment he ceased to fight against his love. To himself he ceased
to matter. It was of her, of the beloved, of the dear sadness in her
voice, of the sweet loneliness in her eyes that he thought, and
something like a prayer went up that night from the heart of a man who
had pronounced prayer to be a degrading superstition. Long after Aline
lay sleeping, her wet lashes folded peacefully over dreaming eyes, he
waked, and thought of her with a passion of tenderness.