found it fastened. "Let me in! Let me in! I am so glad you are safe!"
she joyously exclaimed.
"Not if I know it, Betsy. It's my turn now. _Into this house this
blessed night you do not step. No, not if you were to go on your knees
and beg for it!_"
A loud laugh broke from the crowd, as the joke dawned on them. Betsy was
being paid back in her own coin. The neighbourhood had been sold. The
crafty tailor had secured the chopping-block from the wood shed, and
popped it down the well as his substitute, then, in the darkness and
confusion slipped back into the house unseen. Betsy, having been
accommodated for the night by a friendly neighbour, the crowd dispersed,
highly amused at the adventure. Early the next morning, Mrs. Dumps on
returning home was surprised to find her husband up, a cheerful fire
burning, and the breakfast ready. Taking her hand he gave her a hearty
kiss, with this greeting, "Dear old woman, let bygones be bygones!" And
they were, too; for from that time the "Cunning Cat" knew him no more.
It struck him strongly that his wife's true affection shown in the hour
of his supposed great danger was too precious to trifle with; as a proof
that he kept his word, let it be added that anyone visiting that large
thriving tailoring establishment in the High Street, would hardly
recognise in the respectable dapper proprietor, Mr. William Dumps, the
once drunken tailor so long a nightly nuisance to the neighbourhood.
(_By permission of the Author._)
ON PUNNING.
THEODORE HOOK.
My little dears who learn to read, pray early learn to shun
That very silly thing indeed, which people call a pun.
Read Entick's rules, and 'twill be found, how simple an offence
It is to make the self-same sound afford a double sense.
For instance, _ale_ may make you _ail_, your _aunt_ an _ant_ may kill,
You in a _vale_ may buy a _veil_ and _Bill_ may pay the _bill_.
Or, if to France your bark may steer, at Dover it may be,
A _peer_ appears upon the _pier_, who, blind, still goes to _sea_.
Thus, one might say, when to a treat good friends accept our greeting,
'Tis _meet_ that men who _meet_ to eat should eat their _meat_ when
_meeting_.
Brawn on the _board's_ no bore indeed although from _boar_ prepared;
Nor can the _fowl_, on which we feed, _foul_ feeding he declared.
Thus, one ripe fruit may be a _pear_, and yet be _pared_ again,
And still no _one_, which seemeth rare until we do explain.
It therefore should be all your aim to spell with ample care;
For who, however fond of _game_, would choose to swallow _hair_?
A fat man's _gait_ may make us smile, who has no _gate_ to close;
The farmer, sitting on his _stile_ no _sty_lish person knows.
Perfumers, men of _scents_ must be, some _Scilly_ men are bright;
A _brown_ man oft _deep read_ we see, a _black_ a wicked _wight_.
Most wealthy men good _manors_ have, however vulgar they;
And actors still the harder slave the oftener they _play_.
So poets can't the _baize_ obtain, unless their tailors choose;
While grooms and coachmen not in vain each evening seek the _Mews_.
The _dyer_, who by _dying_ lives, a _dire_ life maintains;
The glazier, it is known, receives his profits for his _panes_.
By gardeners _thyme_ is tied, 'tis true, when spring is in its prime;
But _time_ and _tide_ won't wait for you if you are _tied_ for _time_.
Thus now you see, my little dears, the way to make a pun;
A trick which you, through coming years, should sedulously shun.
The fault admits of no defence, for wheresoe'er 'tis found,
You sacrifice the _sound_ for _sense_; the _sense_ is never _sound_.
So let your words and actions, too, one single meaning prove,
And just in all you say or do, you'll gain esteem and love.
In mirth and play no harm you'll know when duty's task is done;
But parents ne'er should let ye go un_pun_ished for a PUN.
SEASIDE LODGINGS.
PERCY REEVE.
"Oh!" said Georgina Honeybee one afternoon, just before Good Friday,
"_wouldn't_ it be nice to go away for Easter?"
Now it so happened, that the notion was by no means displeasing to Mr.
Honeybee. He longed for a change; the thought of sea-breezes enchanted
him. He felt worried with work, and yearned to hie him away somewhere
without leaving his address behind him. So it fell out that, almost for
the first time in his married existence, he agreed to his wife's
proposition without demur--and long before a week was over, he never
regretted anything so much in all his life.
With husband and wife of one mind (for a wonder), the preliminaries were
speedily arranged. Swineleigh-on-Sea was selected as their destination.
In less time than it takes to tell, Georgina was bustling about the
house, giving parting instructions to the servants as to what they were
to do during her absence (one would have thought she was going away for
a year at least). Fanny (Mrs. Honeybee's maid, if you please) was
packing-up her mistress's luggage, while John was being abused by his
master for having no more idea than a child of how to fill a
portmanteau. Everybody was hot and flurried, and the hall-door bell rang
four times before it received the attention to which it was accustomed.
Honeybee stood in his shirt-sleeves, and in his dressing-room, while his
perspiring and nervous man endeavoured to put boots on the top of clean
shirts. Georgina flitted about her bedroom, saying--"Yes; thank you; if
you'll put in my tea-gown. Yes; thank you--now the linen. Yes; thank
you--no, I shouldn't lay the sponge-bag on the top of my handkerchief
case. Yes; thank you--now the braided dress;" and sundry pretty babble
of that kind.
At length everything was ready. A four-wheeled cab was called, and Mr.
Honeybee, Georgina, and Fanny the maid, were soon driving across London
to the railway-station. Their tickets got, the trio proceeded without
adventure to Swineleigh, where, when she emerged from the slightly
inferior class in which she had travelled, Fanny remarked to her
mistress:
"This don't seem half a bad sort of place, mum."
Honeybee was beaming. His face seemed to say: "Ah! I tell you, when I
_do_ take it into my head to go out for a holiday with my wife and her
maid, I go to the right place, and I have things done properly." Poor
man--he little knew.
Swineleigh is, fortunately, not a large place, or its death rate would
have more influence on the mortality statistics; but it is quite large
enough to be unpleasant, and to make those who have once visited it
swear they will never do so again. Honeybee had heard it was cheap from
a gentleman friend, and Georgina had gathered from a lady acquaintance
that it was quiet and respectable--hence the praiseworthy unanimity
which had characterised their selection of this spot for the enjoyment
of an Easter holiday. They had meant to put up at the Marine Hotel, but
when they reached that modest edifice they found that all the rooms were
engaged, excepting a couple of dog-holes somewhere near the roof, which,
from their description, our party did not care to inspect. Honeybee was,
however, directed to some lodgings which sounded as if they might suit,
and with a crack of the whip, and a curse from the flyman, who had
conveyed them thus far, the party started off on a fresh tack. When they
reached Cronstadt Villa--for it was hither they were referred--Mr.
Honeybee opened fire as follows upon the landlady who opened the door:
"We come from the Marine Hotel. Can we have a large bed-room, a small
bed-room, a dressing-room and a sitting-room?"
"Yes," replied the landlady, somewhat reflectively, as if she felt
inclined to add, "But what you mean by such impertinence I am at a loss
to inquire."
"Good!" rejoined Honeybee. "Will you have our luggage sent up as soon as
may be? And we should like dinner pretty soon, as we have not had much
lunch."
"Come inside, please," said the landlady, grandly, to the trio in
general. Then elbowing Fanny out of the way, she said to Mrs. Honeybee
particularly: "Would you like to see your room?"
"Thank you very much," returned Georgina, "I should."
Then the newly-made friends walked upstairs together, leaving Honeybee
and Fanny to get the luggage up, and to fight the flyman. Mercifully, a
loafer turned up and volunteered to carry the boxes. Mr. Honeybee only
paid the flyman three times his fare, but escaped without loss of blood.
It is true the driver thought proper to curse him to the nethermost
depths of hell, but what are you to do in a place like Swineleigh, where
you might as well look for the Pope as for a policeman?
At last the baggage was stowed in the different rooms indicated by the
landlady. Fanny could not help smiling when the loafer set down
Honeybee's portmanteau with a plump on her bed; and Georgina could not
help saying "Oh!" when Fanny's box was hauled into _her_ room; but these
little mistakes were soon rectified, and the loafer being evidently one
of nature's noblemen, withdrew without further parley when he had
received all the loose silver there was in the house. The landlady had
not any change.
"Now then," said Honeybee, when the door was fairly shut, "when can we
have dinner, and of what will it consist?"
"Dinner!" repeated the landlady, as if recalling by an effort the
meaning of a word once familiar. "Have you not dined?"
"Not to-day," replied Honeybee, jocosely; "but we do not want
much--anything will do. How about a fried sole and a roast chicken?"
It was now seven o'clock, and the landlady verified the fact by
reference to a silver watch, which she plucked with a jerk from her
waistband.
"Shops are all closed now," she said, as it seemed, with some relief. "I
might get you a steak, or a couple of chops."
"If you will add bread and butter, the use of the cruets, and perchance
some cheese or jam," suggested Honeybee in his most caressing tones,
while his wife endeavoured vainly to prevent him treading upon what she
knew was volcanic ground, "I'm sure we could manage for to-night."
"Well, you'll have to," replied the landlady, in a surly voice, and then
she rang the bell in the room, which was to be the Honeybee's dining,
drawing, and smoking room for a week. To this summons a most horrible
"maid" responded, and to her were consigned Georgina and her spouse. The
landlady never was seen again until she came eventually to present the
bill; but her voice was frequently heard. Honeybee's good-nature by this
time was giving out; but he controlled himself.
"Will you," said he, "get us some food ready as soon as you can? We
would like a beef-steak. Will half-past seven be too early?"
"No, sir," replied the maid, in a far-off voice; and she left the room.
"Now," said Honeybee, "Georgina, my dearest, you must be tired. Come
upstairs and change your dress; Fanny will get you hot water and see to
you. I will just wash my hands and then take a short stroll. Come
along."
When they reached the bedroom they found Fanny in a great undertaking.
Having unpacked Georgina's trunk, and littered the floor with dresses
and parcels, she was about to arrange the different articles in the
chest of drawers, when she found them all locked up.
"This is absurd," said Honeybee; and he rang the bell. After a very
long time the horrible maid appeared, and when asked why all the drawers
were looked, replied, with a wild-eyed expression of face, that she
supposed "missus's things was there." Desired to ask missus to remove
them, or to provide other accommodation for her tenants, the wild-eyed
one remarked that she "dursen't do it."
Georgina, always trying to soothe troubled waters, observed, "Never
mind; we shall get straight to-morrow somehow. I'm so tired; it does not
matter for to-night. Only unpack what I absolutely want, Fanny; and you,
dear," to her husband, "go and have a nice stroll, but be back by
half-past seven, as I'm famishing."
So enjoined, Honeybee kissed his wife, and withdrew.
A cursory inspection of the contents of his portmanteau soon convinced
him that John had omitted to put in a good many useful articles; and as
Mr. Honeybee made a hasty toilette, he was pained to observe that he had
brought with him an odd coat and waistcoat. Even this might have been
borne, if the bottle containing his boot-varnish had not broken over his
shirts; and with a heavy heart he sallied forth into the town to buy a
tooth-brush.
Having made his purchase, and also ordered some wine, he returned to the
lodgings, where he found his wife waiting in the sitting-room warming
her feet, while the maid laid the table. About five minutes to eight
"dinner" was served. It consisted of a beef-steak that was raw, except
in those parts which had been burnt to a cinder; some potatoes which
were very black under the eyes, and extremely hard, were also served;
and some of last week's bread, together with some pale butterine,
completed the repast. The Honeybees endeavoured to eat a few mouthfuls,
washed down with cold and not particularly pure water. Although the wine
merchant had assured Honeybee that the rare vintage he had ordered would
be "there before he was," the young man did not arrive with the bottles
until the next morning.
"Perhaps the night is too inclement for him to venture out," said
Honeybee; "or perhaps he reflects that we shall drink coffee with our
dinner, and only require wine at breakfast time."
After dinner the Honeybees had a game of cribbage, but they did not
enjoy it, and soon Georgina went up to bed. Honeybee left her with
Fanny, and then came downstairs again to smoke. He rang the bell and
asked the maid if he could have a bottle of soda-water.
"The public 'ouses is all closed now," said she, as if repeating a
lesson.
"Then some plain water please," returned Honeybee dolefully.
"You'll find some in your bedroom," was the reply.
With a heavy heart Honeybee went upstairs and took a long and strong
drink of brandy from his flask, diluted from the bottle on his
wash-stand. A fearful night it was--the miserable couple passed it in
fear and trembling. Outside the wind howled and made the ill-fitting
windows rattle continuously. Within the blinds refused to draw down, and
the feather bed was so meagrely filled with feathers that when sleep
began to steal upon Honeybee, he awoke to find himself with his hip-bone
grating against the iron frame of the bedstead. The draught came in
under the door with some force. This was not surprising when one came to
examine the distance between it and the floor. The interval seemed
contrived so as to admit of the carpet being drawn out of the room
without opening the door.
Bruised and weary, the Honeybees rose next morning. It was raining very
hard, as it had been all night. For breakfast they had some fried eggs
and bacon. The eggs would have been all right if they had been warmed
through; but Honeybee said raw egg was good for the voice. The bacon
would have brought its own punishment to the Jew wicked enough to
indulge in it. They read novels most of the morning. Georgina and Fanny
were occasionally in consultation as to some proposed alterations to a
dress. Honeybee looked out of the window like a caged lion.
Ah, Heavens! but why should I follow further the agonies of these
wretched people. Indeed, I shrink from recording the sickening details
of their week's stay. The disgusting round of impertinence,
uncleanliness, stupidity, and brutality to which they were subjected is
too odious to recount. Suffice it to say that never had Waterloo Villa
looked so fair as when the Honeybees returned to it after their
"holiday," and Georgina literally danced round the bright clean
dining-room table laid ready for dinner, while Honeybee threw himself
groaning on to his bed, where he lay till aroused by the rattle of
plates and dishes. My goodness, how he did eat! And how Georgina beamed!
(_By permission of the Author._)
THE END.
BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.
* * * * *
TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE: Obvious misprints and punctuation errors have been
silently corrected.
End of Project Gutenberg's Humorous Readings and Recitations, by Various