egocentric, selfish, assuming lout! A good thing he had chosen to stay
out of sight this morning.
The girls returned by a route much different from the one by which they
had come. This cut through the woods via an old trail paralleling the
stream near which they had intended to sleep. At one point, the stream
widened into a deep pothole carved into the rock by centuries of rushing
water.
Here the girls paused for a swim. Suits were unnecessary. Naked as
plucked birds, the squealing youngsters frolicked in the jewel-bright
water until its icy temperature drove them out. They dried themselves
and dressed, then kindled a fire and roasted frankfurters for lunch.
Not long afterward the skies began to cloud up again. All activities and
games were called off as thunderclouds gathered overhead. The girls
marched for home under forced draft.
At camp much earlier than was usual for returning hikers, everyone
cleaned up, then rushed to the lodge. There Pam was organizing indoor
games because of the threatening storm. She told Peggy and Lilian that
Beth would drive one of them to pick up the bedrolls. “I can’t spare
more than one of you,” Pam said. “Practically all of the hikers are back
already.” Glancing at the approaching nurse, Lilian declined, saying she
would prefer to occupy a few kids with a dancing lesson.
Happily, Peggy walked off with Beth.
The first raindrops were falling.
NINE
The expected storm had turned out to be merely a shower. Some lightning.
Mild thunder. A patter of rain that had come and gone within fifteen
minutes.
Beth backed the station wagon as close as possible to the clearing near
the stream. While she opened the back door, Peggy began untying the
tarpaulins protecting the bedding.
“Isn’t it wonderful out here after a rain?” Peggy said, stopping her
work when Beth joined her.
“It’s as if God has washed the earth.”
“I never thought of it that way,” Peggy said. “But it’s so true.” She
gazed around delightedly. “I wish we didn’t have to hurry back.”
“Well, let’s get these things loaded. Then maybe we can find a dry spot
of grass where we can sit and enjoy a few minutes.”
One by one the bedrolls were piled in the wagon, Peggy doing most of the
lifting, Beth most of the arranging.
When she had handed Beth the last one, Peggy strolled down to the
stream. She stood watching the rushing water from a wooden foot bridge.
“Peaceful, isn’t it?” Beth commented, joining Peggy.
Peggy nodded, and followed the nurse across the bridge. A massive ledge
of rock protruded from the slope, jutting over the stream. Under it ran
a dry, grassy stretch. Beth headed toward it, motioned Peggy to sit down
with her.
Peggy stared into the turbulent water. “Sometimes I feel just like that
inside,” she said.
“Now?”
“Oh, not now. Not out here. It’s funny, but as wild as that water is, it
makes me feel—well, kind of calm.” She looked at Beth. “Do you know what
I mean?”
Instead of replying directly, Beth said, “Peggy, what’s bothering you?”
Peggy caught her breath, surprised. The nurse’s soft gaze was searching
her.
“Nothing is bothering me. Really.”
Beth smiled knowingly. A hand reached out to rest on Peggy’s bare arm.
“You’re growing up, Peggy. That in itself is a great source of mental
anguish. But some day it will all seem trivial, believe me.”
“You really think so?”
“I know so.” Beth sighed. “Try not to be so solemn.”
Peggy bravely attempted a smile. But what was trivial about wanting to
know whether you were a lesbian or not? Since that idiotic Kirby had
kissed her, the issue had become more acute than ever in Peggy’s mind.
She may have had good reason to reject his advances, but would a normal
girl, feeling the passionate response Peggy had felt, so precipitately
shun it—good reason or not? The only deep physical satisfaction Peggy
could remember was that achieved at the hands of some unknown woman in
the night.
And was it trivial to want to know the identity of that woman—as well as
the one who had forced herself upon Beth in the bathhouse? Was it
trivial to stand helplessly by, aware that innocent children at a camp
were in the hands of—God!—lesbians?
The word itself, as usual, was enough to chill Peggy’s blood. Maybe that
was why, unexpectedly, it rose to her lips.
“Beth,” she blurted, “do you know many lesbians?”
Peggy was sorry the second she had said it. Aghast at her own temerity,
she covered her open mouth with her palm. Probably she had ruined
everything, she thought, waiting for an explosion from Beth.
But Beth’s expression had not altered. “What makes you think I know any
at all?”
Peggy hesitated. If she spoke now, she would never be able to recall the
words. Yet what choice did she have? There were things, trivial and
otherwise, that she had to find out.
She said, “Beth, I’m positive you know at least one lesbian.”
“What!”
“I heard you with her in the bathhouse,” Peggy said. “The night you were
arguing about me.”
Beth jumped to her feet, face flaming. “So that’s what’s been bothering
you all this time.”
Peggy nodded. “One of the things.”
“Oh, you poor dear. I’m sorry for making light of your problems.” Beth’s
facial color was back to normal. “She hasn’t tried anything, has
she—made a pass or approached you in any way?”
Peggy could not look at Beth. “Yes—yes, she has.” Peggy told of the
night she had spent in the Pillbox, of the unknown intruder who had
invaded her bed and her dreams.
“And you enjoyed it?” Beth asked.
“Oh, yes! Beth, who was it? You?”
“Don’t be a fool. It must have been.... You know, the one in the
bathhouse with me. That’s what she was trying to get me to do—slip you
some drug so she could....”
“Who?” Peggy broke in. “Please tell me who.”
“Peggy, I wish I could. But I—I just can’t. If I speak that name, all of
us will be destroyed.”
“Is it Mike? It must be. It’s Mike, isn’t it? It can’t be Pam or Lilian
or anybody like that. Dorothy and Ruth have a crush on each other—surely
neither would be interested in me. So it has to be Mike. Mike made a
play for me. She—”
“Watch your mouth! Lots of girls get crushes on each other, but that
doesn’t make them gay.”
“Gay? What’s gay?”
“Oh, skip it. Peggy, I simply can’t mention names. I refuse to discuss
Mike or anybody else.” Beth gazed down at Peggy, huddled at her feet.
Suddenly the nurse kneeled, lifted the girl’s chin with a finger,
forcing Peggy to look at her. In a kindlier tone, she said, “You’re
afraid, aren’t you? You’ve been afraid all this time.”
Beth’s voice was calm now, natural, not insinuating. “You’re afraid of
this girl who violated you—and you’re afraid of yourself.”
Peggy’s eyes flashed to the nurse.
“You’re afraid that you liked it too much,” Beth said.
“Yes!” In that instant a tumult of confusion rushed over Peggy. She
wanted to throw herself into those compassionate arms and cry on the
golden shoulder as she had not done since she was a child; she wanted to
unburden herself as never before. “Beth, whether I’m afraid or not, I’ve
got to know. I’ve got to discover what I am.”
“You’re a nice, perfectly healthy girl. You have nothing to worry
about.” The nurse edged nearer. One hand fell to Peggy’s arm. “All
right, so you had an episode with a woman. But it meant nothing. Happens
every day. Often young girls like you come into bodily contact with
other girls, feel some sort of physical sensation, and immediately begin
to have doubts about themselves. They are afraid of their reactions—and
ashamed—but that doesn’t make them one of my kind—”
“Your kind?”
“That’s right. I’m a genuine lesbian, truly twisted, and I know it.”
“But what if I am, too?” Peggy said, thinking of her aversion to the
male sex. “How am I to find out?”
For an instant she was sure she saw a different expression in Beth’s
eyes. The kind of expression Ted used to get when Peggy would pull away
from him in order to take off her clothes.
But Beth had control of herself again. She smiled, and tried to answer
Peggy’s question. “You’ll find out in time. Try not to let it bother you
now. You’re much too young to become enmeshed in this sort of thing—no
matter what you are.”
“Beth, I’ve got to know.” And with more resolution than she would have
thought possible, Peggy said, “I want you to kiss me.”
The nurse looked away. “No.”
Peggy scrambled to her knees. “Please, Beth,” she pleaded. “You mean so
much to me. Help me.”
“Peggy, I—”
Peggy lifted her face. “Please.” She moved a little closer. Her mouth
was almost touching Beth’s.
With a cry that was like a sob, Beth clutched Peggy to her. Beth’s lips,
soft and warm, touched Peggy’s.
At last they broke away. Peggy’s heart was pounding. Fever seemed to
have possessed her blood. Strange hot prickles assailed her nerves. She
looked at Beth—soft and warm and alluring. The nurse was not in uniform
now, but in blue stretch slacks donned against the rain and damp. Her
womanly hips were faithfully outlined. Her breasts strained against the
blue of the button-down man’s oxford shirt she wore. Her hair fell in
soft waves to her shoulders. How beautiful, thought Peggy. How utterly
beautiful. She put an arm around the nurse’s waist.
“Oh, Beth—”
“No, Peggy. No more.” She started to rise, but the younger girl,
stronger, held her down.
Peggy said once again, “I have to know.”
“You don’t make love to find something out, Peggy.”
The girl tossed her head, yellow ponytail flicking like a banner. “I’m
not attractive to you? You don’t want me?”
“Want has little to do with it.”
Peggy forced Beth’s hand to touch her full young breast. “Tell me you
want me.”
“Don’t do this to us,” Beth begged. “Don’t do it to yourself.”
“I have to know,” Peggy insisted.
“God help us,” moaned Beth. Her arms went around Peggy.
The two fell back upon the soft, damp grass, their eager lips clinging.
For the first time Peggy knew the sensation of another woman’s tongue
darting and circling against her own. So acute was the thrill that her
bones seemed to turn to water.
Then Beth came up for air. Pulling away, she slowly opened Peggy’s
simple camp blouse. Loosening the bra, she exclaimed with delight as
Peggy’s breasts tumbled forth. At first Beth was gentle as she kissed
and fondled the trembling, youthful bosom. Peggy’s heart jumped as the
woman’s lips touched each rosy nipple, hands stroking all the while,
searching sweetly, trailing fire from the fingertips.
For a while Peggy lay still, basking in every touch, every tender kiss,
every deliberately inciting stroke. But as Beth’s hands and lips roamed,
Peggy began to writhe on the ground. She burrowed closer to the older
woman, sent her hand up under the oxford shirt. When her hand touched
the soft roundness of Beth’s quivering breasts, a glorious burst of
white-hot bliss lashed Peggy’s body. With reckless lust she loosened
Beth’s slacks, touched the nylon beneath. At the same time she felt
Beth’s clever fingers at her shorts. The fingers cunningly slid and
stroked. “Oh, sweet Beth,” groaned Peggy.
No longer could she concentrate on every touch and kiss. Her whole being
seemed engulfed by wave upon wave of fiery pleasure. Then, in a burst of
purest ecstasy, she crested. The whole world seemed to explode inside of
her. Slowly Peggy drifted down to earth. For long minutes she lay
quietly, her head on Beth’s lap, a hand still on Beth’s bare breast.
A sense of utter peace, of profoundest fulfillment, possessed Peggy.
“We’d better pull ourselves together,” Beth said softly. “We have to be
on our way. They’ll be wondering what happened to us.”
Peggy sat up, buttoned her blouse, then followed Beth across the bridge.
In the station wagon, they both repaired faces and hair.
As the car rolled onto the road, Peggy slouched against the door,
wishing she could cuddle against Beth.
Neither spoke during the ride back to camp. Skillfully Beth swung into
the parking lot, cut the motor. She turned toward Peggy and was about to
say something when she saw Miss Duncan approaching.
The older woman told them that the most recent weather forecast had
reported an end to local thunder showers. The staff had decided to
chance a swimming session so the hikers could rinse off some sweat.
“You join them, Peggy. I think you deserve a refresher. We can take care
of these things later.”
Peggy thanked the director, then sat unmoving, hoping for a chance to be
alone with Beth. But one glance at Miss Duncan told her that she was
excused.
To Beth, she murmured, “See you later.” Then Peggy left the two women.
TEN
Life took on a whole new color for Peggy. During the following
twenty-four hours, her mind was filled with visions of Beth—sweet, kind
Beth, lovely Beth with her fragrant brown hair and dark-blue eyes and
gentle hands. No longer did she fear or reject lesbian love. How could
anything so good, Peggy argued, not be right? At least for Beth and
herself.
Now that she was not obsessed with doubts about herself and about the
lesbian existence, she was free to enjoy all the more her wonderful
relationship with Beth. The prospect intoxicated Peggy. She did not
weigh consequences.
She looked forward with deep excitement to their next meeting but forced
herself to avoid the nurse still one more day. She did not want to
become a pest or presume on Beth. But by noon, Peggy knew she could no
longer contain herself.
She was standing at her table while the campers filed in for lunch. A
cool breeze blew into the screened lodge porch. Peggy took a deep breath
of pine-scented air, flavored by aromas rising from tureens of hearty
soup in place on each table.
Peggy went through her serving duties mechanically, filling plates,
passing them down the line, saying, “You have to eat at least three
spoonsful,” when the girls objected to the vegetable. She answered
questions automatically, and somehow got through the main course. Then
dessert was brought out. The jello and cookies lasted longer than she
thought they should but it was mail call afterward that seemed
unbearable.
And then a song or two....
At last, it was over, the whole ordeal. Beth, thought Peggy. Beth....
The girls scrambled from their seats, running every which way. Most of
the counselors drifted toward the lounge for a quick smoke before rest
period. Peggy started quietly toward the door, but was stopped by a
voice calling her name.
“Phone for you,” a junior counselor yelled.
With a sigh of distaste, Peggy followed the girl, sure it would be Ted
on the line.
Gingerly, she picked up the receiver.
“Hi, Peggy. This is Kirby. How are you doing?”
Peggy was stunned into silence. What colossal brass!
“I want to apologize for the other night,” he said. “I mean—well, I
guess I shouldn’t have done what I did. I’m sorry.”
Peggy’s mind darted back to the quick kiss, the slap. “Oh,” she said
nonchalantly, “I had forgotten all about it.” Which was no lie, she
thought.
“Is that a compliment or a slam?”
“Just a remark.”
“Meant to put me in my place, I presume.” He seemed hesitant to
continue. “Uh—there was one other thing,” he said. “I was wondering if
you would reconsider getting together some time.”
“I told you the other night, Kirby—”
“I know what you told me the other night. I just hoped maybe you would
have a change of heart.”
“No. In fact, I’m more certain now than before,” she said, thinking of
Beth.
“Is it me personally you object to?” he asked.
Again Peggy was taken aback by his brass. “You’ve got a nerve! Of course
it’s you personally. That was a hell of a thing to do—grabbing me,
kissing me—”
“Peggy, we hardly know each other, but please listen,” he said. “I never
saw a girl so attractive as you. You’re the most beautiful thing alive.
Sure I lost my head—what guy wouldn’t? I’m not sorry, if you want to
know the truth. I’ll carry that kiss for the rest of my life. I would
have risked a hell of a lot more than a slap for it—”
Peggy could not help being a bit moved. “Look, Kirby,” she said in a
less chilly tone, “I’ve got to run now. I don’t want to go out with you,
so let’s just drop it, okay?”
“I’d better warn you—I don’t give up easily.”
“And I don’t give in easily,” she retorted.
Peggy hung up, amused and a little touched by his compliments and his
ardent wooing. However, when she glanced at her watch she cursed him
under her breath.
Kirby’s phone call had deprived her of a chance to see Beth. This put a
damper on Peggy’s high spirits. She sulked through the rest period but
afterward, on the basketball court, as the minutes slipped by, her
anticipation began to mount once more. At last the whistle blew,
signaling the end of the period.
Peggy bounded from the court. Quickly she changed into a fresh outfit.
She brushed her hair while her young cabin mates, most of them already
in swim suits, dawdled away the last few minutes before swim period.
“Miss Peggy, aren’t you coming with us?”
“I don’t have waterfront duty today,” Peggy answered brightly.
Another girl said, “You look so pretty!”
Peggy glowed inwardly. “Thanks, honey,” she said, inspecting herself in
the mirror. A mint-green blouse topped rich brown bermudas that were
cinched at the waist by a wide dark belt. A green band held her
corn-blond hair away from her face.
Peggy fluffed the blondness and left the cabin, calling, “I’ll see you
at dinner.”
She sauntered downhill, past the lodge and into the Pillbox. There she
slouched in the clinic’s one large chair while Beth finished with her
patients.
The nurse was carefully inspecting a little girl’s foot. At last she
straightened and said, “I guess you can go swimming today. But keep
putting the salve on before you go to bed.” She walked to her desk,
scribbled something on a piece of paper and said, “Give this to Miss
Mike. Then go up and change into your suit.”
The girl was radiant as she bounced off the stool. She took the note
from Beth. “Thank you,” she said. “Thanks, Miss Beth.”
“And make sure to dry your feet,” Beth called, as the child ran out the
door.
Beth turned back to her desk, glanced at some papers, then up at Peggy.
She smiled brightly. “Hi. What brings you—business or pleasure?”
“Strictly a social call,” Peggy told her.
“Well, step into my social department, said the spider to the fly.” She
led the way into her room. “Have a seat. I want to get into my suit.”
“Are you going swimming?”
“I thought I’d soak up some sun.”
Peggy’s face fell.
“Is anything wrong? Did you have something you wanted to talk about?”
“No. I—I just wanted to see you.”
Beth stood planted in the middle of the room, watching Peggy. “Does this
have anything to do with that business the other day?”
“That business!” flared Peggy. “Is that all it meant to you?”
“Listen, Peggy—” The nurse walked over to where the girl was sitting.
“I’m sorry about that. I was hoping you had already forgotten it.”
“Forgotten?” Peggy was incredulous. “How could I forget it, ever? Why,
since it happened, all I’ve been thinking about is the next time. I
could hardly sleep last night. I—”
“There’s not going to be a next time, Peggy.” Beth spoke slowly,
deliberately. Her voice was calm, her tone low.
Peggy sat with her mouth open. “What did you say?” she asked finally.
“I said there is not going to be a next time.”
“But why not?” Peggy cried despairingly.
Beth lowered herself to the arm of Peggy’s chair. Her eyes rested on
Peggy’s tortured face. She took the girl’s trembling hand in her own.
“Peggy,” she said carefully, trying hard to choose the right words,
“Peggy, you mean too much to me—I can’t let you lead a twisted,
miserable life. And lesbians are miserable.”
“Then why—”
Beth put her finger to the girl’s lips. “No questions. If I knew all the
answers, maybe I wouldn’t have given in to you. Just because I did, and
you found kicks in it, doesn’t mean you’re abnormal. It was a new
experience for you, that’s all. The fun would wear off with the novelty.
And I’m certain that some day you’ll find a man who can do as well for
you, and probably a lot better.”
Peggy glared at the nurse. “How can you say that? I dug it to the limit,
Beth. Every minute of it. You know that. I remember everything you did.
I—”
“Liking it doesn’t make it right, Peggy.”
Something burst inside of Peggy. “Right or not,” she exploded, “you like
it, too! Don’t deny it, Beth. I may be a kid, but I know you want me as
much as I want you, and maybe more. Do you think I’m blind to the way
you’re always watching me? Your eyes are on me all the time—in the
lounge, at the lake, here. Every time I glanced up, you used to be
looking at me. At first I didn’t realize why, but now I know. And right
this minute—even if you won’t admit it—your eyes tell me that you’re
hungry for me, crazy to have me. Why fight it?”
Beth’s stony gaze met her. “You’d better leave, Peggy.”
Peggy’s spirit wilted. Her idol was displeased with her. “I’m sorry,
Beth.” Her voice was barely audible. “I didn’t mean to offend you. It’s
just—” she hesitated—“I want you so much, Beth. I want to do all those
things again ... look at you, touch you, kiss you.” She seized Beth’s
hand. “Please, Beth,” she begged. “Let me.”
Pulling away her hand, Beth snapped, “Just leave.”
“Don’t be angry,” Peggy pleaded.
“You know, you can’t make a habit of coming over here every free minute
you have. People may begin to get ideas.”
Everything strong and hard within Peggy seemed to melt. She felt her
insides slouching. She started for the door, but paused and over her
shoulder threw a pleading glance at Beth.
The nurse was watching her.
Peggy turned. “I’m sorry, Beth. I didn’t want to make you angry. I don’t
know what got into me. Our love was so wonderful—I’ve never felt like
that before—I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I’ve been thinking about
you every minute. I couldn’t wait to be with you.”
Beth unbent a little. She took a couple of steps toward Peggy.
“I need you,” Peggy whispered. “Really need you.”
“Hush.” Beth patted the girl’s cheek. “I know how you feel, Peggy. I’ll
always be here. I’m your friend. Come back in a day or two, after you’ve
cooled off. You will, you know. It’s all in your mind. Ninety percent of
all sexual desire is in the mind,” she finished.
Beth kissed her on the forehead.
Peggy walked out, her shoulders slumping.
ELEVEN
Peggy wrestled with her conscience for the next couple of days, longing
all the while for Beth’s company, yet conceding it would be best not to
court temptation by returning to the nurse’s quarters. She wavered
between periods of extreme moodiness during which she was ashamed of the
commotion she had caused, and long hours of utter bliss because, in the
end, Beth had said that she would always be there, that she was Peggy’s
friend.
Peggy spoke casually on occasion to both Mike and Lilian, but only in
connection with their work. Even in the counselors’ lounge, Peggy
indulged in only enough conversation to preserve the amenities.
Then Kirby Davis telephoned.
Peggy was sitting in the lounge after free swim. She went to the phone
reluctantly, heard Kirby plead again for a date, and again refused him.
“Don’t you think you’ll ever give in?” he asked.
“Look, Kirby—”
“You don’t have to hang up already, do you?”
“No,” she said. “I’m not busy at the moment. I don’t have to hang up.”
“Good. You know, what I’d like to do is take you for a nice long walk
among the open fields.”
“I get my share of walking. Hikes every week.”
“But they’re not at all the same. To begin with, hikes are part of your
job. In the second place, walking on dirt roads or through woods can’t
compare with tramping over open fields and nice soft grass.”
“And where would you find open fields to roam around in? Most of them
are planted with corn, or have cows all over them.”
“When you get curious enough, let me know.”
“I’ll do that.”
They talked a few minutes longer, Peggy keeping an eye on the clock.
Finally, when she told him her time was up, Kirby said: “Maybe I
shouldn’t mention it, but I made some progress—at least you talked to me
a while.”
Peggy could not help smiling.
She thought about Kirby’s call again that evening after she had left the
throng at the lodge. You couldn’t fault a guy for trying, she thought,
as she strolled the camp grounds, savoring the quiet.