How the next day passed with me I cannot say. I spent it, I know, in
my library, pacing up and down and thinking over and over again of
all that had happened since last the sun rose.
I remember angrily putting away the divinity books which lay on my
table, and taking down others at random. But they would not speak to
me as they used, or perhaps I could not hear them for the din of
self-reproach in my head.
Many times I tried to think what lucky chance it was that brought
Harry to the inn; but I could not guess, nor did I ever know, till
the Sergeant told me he came there by hazard, on his way from the
Popish gentleman's house, for a cup of spiced wine, because they were
wet, and seeing in the stable my horse and his wife's pillion-saddle,
had guessed the bitter truth, which the hostess speedily confirmed.
After a heavy night's rest had soothed me I arose at a late hour, and
saw things more clearly. I took down my _Phædo Platonis_, and read
in it till I began to see right from wrong again. Gradually it
seemed to me that there was but one thing to do. I would ride over
to Ashtead once more, see Harry, and tell him I was going away, I
knew not for how long or where, but to some land in which I could
learn the lesson his travels had taught him. So I would crave his
pardon in years to come, and take my leave of all I loved.
It was towards evening that I slowly crossed the park and came to the
little wicket that opened into the pretty Italian garden which Harry
had made for his wife. There I tied my horse, as I had often done
before, and entered.
The terraces on either hand, where in grotesque solemnity the
cognisance of his house frowned from many a half-hidden pedestal,
were ablaze with the first flowers of spring. Celandine, fritillary,
flower-de-luce, and all were there, like pretty laughing maids who
knew their beauty and waywardly transgressed the trim stone
mouldings, within which their luxuriance could not be content. From
a wide-mouthed dragon's head the water spouted with a pleasant tinkle
into the glassy basin that occupied the midst; the little trout that
played there were springing merrily for the evening flies; whilst
from the ivy and honeysuckle that was fast covering the enclosing
walls, and from the blossom-laden pear trees in the orchard hard by,
the birds were singing the requiem of the dying day.
At the end towards the house, between two vases that overflowed with
woodruff, a flight of steps led upwards to the grassy terrace before
Mrs. Waldyve's parlour. One lattice of her bow window was open, and
as I mounted the steps I could hear the low sound of singing within.
Very sad it came to me amidst the gay carolling of the birds; so sad,
that I could not choose but go softly across the little velvet lawn
and peep between the mullions.
All, what a sight was there! Rocking herself to and fro in her chair
miserably sat Mrs. Waldyve, with hair and dress disordered. Her face
was pale, her eyes hollow with weeping, and on her knees slumbered
her little son. As though there was no world but in that small
peaceful face, she leant over it and now and again touched the tiny
brow with her lips. Singing ever the same mournful song, she rocked
herself and leaned over the baby.
I could hear the words she sang--some which her grief had made for
her--and as I listened I cursed all in heaven and earth, and above
all myself. For thus she sang a lullaby to her son:--
'Sleep, baby, sleep, for so thou canst,
Thou hast no sins to shrive;
Lully, lully, my babe, hope is not dead,
Love keepeth hope alive.
'Sleep, baby, sleep, he will come back,
Back, honey-sweet, to the hive;
Lully, lully, my babe, love is not dead,
Thou keepest love alive.'
Those words told me true what had befallen. I should have known well
enough, even had it not been for the letter she held crushed in her
hand, and kissed, as I watched her. It was easy to guess what it
said, though I could not read the words. Years after I saw it again.
She herself showed it me, long afterwards, when all was healed. It
still bore witness then how she had crushed it in her grief; it was
still blistered with her tears. And this is what was written there:--
To Mrs. WALDYVE, my own sweet Wife.
You shall receive, dear wife, my parting words in these my parting
lines. If I ever held your love, as indeed I think I did, it was by
the poor things my sword had done. Now I go, I know not whither, to
see if haply I may win it again to me beyond the seas, or at least
forget a little of what I have lost.
My love I leave you, though I know it is a little thing to you, yet
hoping, when I am gone, you will find some place for it, if only it
be when you kneel to pray for our boy.
I would not that my last gift should be reproaches, dear Nan. Such
are not for me, seeing it was by my own shortcoming that I could not
keep your love. But first I send you all the thanks my heart can
conceive or my pen express for your many cares and troubles taken for
me, whom unworthy you strove to love.
And secondly, I would commend to you my poor child, for his father's
sake, whom in his happiest times I trow you loved and would have
loved still had he been worthy.
I cannot write much,--God knows how hardly I wrote even thus far.
The everlasting, infinite, universal God, that is goodness itself,
keep you and yours, have mercy on me, and teach me to forgive those
who have wronged me; amongst whom, believe me, Nan, from my heart, I
hold you not one. My wife, farewell. Bless my poor boy, pray your
all-conquering prayers for him. My true God hold you both in His
arms.--Your most loving, unworthy husband, HARRY WALDYVE.
From Rochester, _this_ 30_th day of April_ 1572.
I cannot but rejoice that I then knew no more of that letter than
that by her kissing of it it was from him, and by the words of her
song that it told how he was gone. My heart was already so seared
and torn with shame at my work that, had I known how pathetic was his
farewell, how deep and noble his sorrow, how touching his
self-reproaches, and his straining in the anguish of his misery after
the lost faith of his childhood, I know not how I should have borne
the pain.
What to do now I could not think. To go in to her was impossible.
As she sat there grieving with her baby upon her knees and the letter
in her hand, she seemed to me a holy thing, more purely sanctified in
her motherhood and grief to him she had lost than ever was vestal to
her goddess. All faith and reverence I thought had left me, yet I
could have worshipped that mother and child as devoutly as ever a
poor Papist bowed before the Virgin's shrine. Still there was a
holiness about them I dared not profane, even with my worship. I
felt a thing too unclean even to stand on the steps of the altar
where she was now enshrined, and I crept away like the guilty thief I
was.
Hardly less difficult was it to go and leave her alone in the desert
I had made of the fair garden, where but for me she might have dwelt
so happily. To go was cowardly; it was sacrilege to stay. I had no
guide to show me my way, no friend whom I could consult. Wearily,
rather drifting than with any set purpose, I descended the steps,
passed by the tinkling water, through the perfume-laden air, closed
the wicket behind me, and so rode home, my errand undone.
He was gone! I knew not whither; and there was no one of whom I
could seek counsel. I would have gone to Mr. Drake to tell him all
and seek comfort, but the thought of the good man's hard Calvinism
repelled me now. He would not understand. As for Mr. Cartwright, he
was still less to be thought of. For very shame, I dared not confess
to his holy ears the depth to which I had fallen, even could I have
hoped for sympathy from him. No, there was none to ease me of my
burden.
He was gone; and I must follow,--follow and bring him back to her,
and then rid them for ever of my accursed presence. That was all I
could think of. And on the morrow, after committing my affairs to
old Miles's hands, I rode to Gravesend, and so came next day by river
to London, whither I heard from the boatmen he had gone.
As I have said, I came to London drifting, rather than with any set
purpose. As soon as I had sought for Harry at my Lord of Bedford's,
and at the lodging where he was wont to lie when in London, and found
no news of him, I was at a loss what to do. I had no friends in
London that I knew of, nor was I so much as acquainted with any there
except my merchant and old Mr. Follet, who had a lodging in Warwick
Court, where he was of easy access to his scholars, both those about
the Court and those who were sons to wealthy citizens.
To him I was resolved to go, not so much in hope to hear of Harry, as
trusting in my forlorn state to receive comfort from him, when I
remembered how peaceful and content was his life, and yet without any
comfort of religion that I was ever able to discover.
I found him polished and kindly and gentle as ever, and bound still
in willing servitude to his 'Apology.' He welcomed me very warmly,
refusing any denial that I would sup with him. Our first
commendation over, he fell to asking me of my life and work, so that
we easily came to talk of those deep matters wherein my trouble lay.
'I cannot but rejoice, my dear Jasper,' said the old scholar, bending
on me his intelligent, clear eyes, 'that you have come to your
present state. It was always my desire that you should see that as a
rule or touchstone of right living, nay, if you will, as a _virgula
divina_, or divining rod, whereby to discover the pure water of life,
religion is in no comparison with scholarship. So long as men shall
pursue religion as a chief end, so long shall they be ever athirst
and rage in these present fevers that now be. I hold there are three
special points in education, or the leading forth of life, the same
being, truth in religion, honesty in living, and right order in
learning. I name them in the order in which the three are now
commonly held, yet you know, as I do, that in order of excellence
these points should be reversed.'
'Then you would not have a scholar,' said I, 'lay aside religion
altogether?'
'I see no need for that,' he answered. 'It was not so in the past
golden days of scholarship, before Reformation violently killed the
old kindly tolerance of the Romish Church. Side by side they could
not exist, so Rome grew hard perforce, and Geneva as hard to
withstand her. And so the good old days were ended, even the days
when a man would first take heed that his order of learning was
rightly governed according to the precepts of the immortal Stagirite,
from which, secondly, would flow, by the bestowing of such leisure as
remained, a sufficient honesty in living, the whole being sweetened
and tempered with such truth of religion as came of itself, without
straining, out of the other two. It is this straining after God that
so troubles the world and burns up scholarship. They draw the Ardour
of Heaven too near, whereby the inflammable principles, whereof He is
in a great measure composed, so heat men's blood and set their
stomachs on fire, that cool scholarship itself is set in a blaze, and
serves but to feed the fires of controversy, whereby learning,
honesty, and religion itself are fast being consumed.'
'Surely, then, it were better,' said I, 'to shut out this disturbing
element that makes life so turbid; better to deafen our ears to this
note which sets all our harmony awry.'
'No, Jasper,' answered Mr. Follet, 'that is impossible. That far-off
note is your octavo, as Pythagoras taught. You, with your spiritual
nature, will always hear it sounding in unison with that which you
yourself are making as you live your Life. If there is discord in
your ears, it is that you are sounding some other note awry between
your fundamental earthly note and His in the empyrean. By your
scholarship I judge your first harmony must be _dia-trion_ to the
orbit of Mercury, which is science; and thus, if you would have
concord, your next must be _dia-pente_ to the orbit of Mars, which is
manhood and knightly adventure. So can you reach through your full
_dia-pason_ to God, and sound your third and just fifth in complete
and peaceful harmony with the universe. So I would advise you, if
the music of your life has seemed meagre. But, above all, beware of
the fourth, which is the orbit of Venus, that shall bring you nothing
but most jarring discord, wherein you shall find no rest.'
The old man looked out at me from his clear eyes so shrewdly that,
although I could only guess at his meaning, I felt he had divined the
true cause of my discomfort. How far he had learned it I cannot say,
yet I could not help calling to mind the many times I had written to
him concerning my most pleasant studies with Mrs. Waldyve. I found
in my old tutor a strange mingling of shrewd worldly knowledge and
unreal speculation which drew me nearer to him than I had ever had
wit to be in my boyhood. It is true I hoped to get little help from
his medley of philosophies, yet his conversation fascinated me in
spite of the half-mystic vagueness that seemed to be growing on him
with his old age, and I stayed with him till a late hour.
Whether right or wrong for others, his own way of thought had brought
him to an old age of profound peace, most enviable to me in the
tempestuous flood of doubt that had overwhelmed my life since the
dams of my faith, which I had deemed so secure, had burst. Moreover,
his whole discourse was so seasoned with spicery from the writings of
the ancients, and above all his beloved Aristotle, that it was very
pleasant to hear, though beyond what my memory will bear to write.
Moreover I wished to speak with him about his 'Apology,' which he had
not once mentioned. No one but myself can truly know how great must
have been his sympathy with my troubled state, or how much he must
have denied himself to minister to it, when for two hours he never
once spoke of his manuscript. At last, moved to pity because of his
exceeding kindness, I asked him how it fared.
'Bravely, bravely, my dear discipulus,' said he with beaming face.
'It has been long in getting set forth because of the great growth
which it has attained by reason of the weighty arguments I
continually found. Still the day for the great purging of
scholarship is very near. I am near to finishing the Latin text, in
which form I have been weightily advised the work should appear,
although I had purposed otherwise for the glory of the English
tongue. The Right Honourable the Earl of Bedford has promised to
receive the dedicatory epistle, so that I doubt not, with so noble
and learned a sponsor, my child shall find an honourable reception in
the courts of science.'
This and much more to like purpose he spoke till I took my leave,
much comforted by his kindliness, yet little relieved of my inward
sickness.
Lashmer, who had been passing the time of my visit with Mr. Follet's
servant, came to my chamber as usual to untruss me when we reached
our lodging. He seemed full of something, which after a little
painful repressing he poured forth.
'Did your worship hear whither he had gone?' asked he.
'Whither who had gone?' said I.
'Was not your worship seeking news of Mr. Waldyve?' he asked again.
'Certes, I was,' said I; 'but that is no concern of yours.'
'No, sir, none,' he answered, 'save that I hold all that concerns you
concerns your faithful servant; but since it is not so, let it pass.'
So he fell into a sullen silence, till I, feeling he held news, could
refrain no longer from asking what he meant.
'Nay, I meant nothing, sir,' said he. 'A gentleman's movements are
nothing to me; but since I thought Mr. Follet would have told you
whither he had gone, I made bold to inquire; for he was ever a most
kind gentleman to me; but since there is offence in it, let it pass.'
'But what made you think Mr. Follet should know this?' I asked
sharply.
'Nay, sir, I pray you let it pass. I have no longer desire to know
what concerns me not.'
'But I have desire to know what you meant, sirrah.'
'Then, saving your displeasure, it was a foolish idle whim of mine,
that am but a dunce and unlearned, to think that since Mr. Waldyve
was with Mr. Follet yesterday he would have given your worship news
of him. It was a stupid, foolish fancy, so I pray you let it pass.'
'Mr. Waldyve with Mr. Follet yesterday, say you?' I cried, as soon as
I recovered breath. 'Why, how know you this, Lashmer?'
'Nay, I know it not,' said he, making occasion of my anxiety to have
revenge for my sharpness.
'What a plague makes you say it then?'
'Why, sir, because Mr. Follet's man knows it, and Mr. Follet's man
told me how Mr. Waldyve was with his master for the space of two
hours save a thimbleful of sand yesterday about supper-time, during
all which time he had to wait, for good manners' sake, though like to
die of a watery mouth for thinking of a roasted rabbit and a dish of
prunes that were bespoke for him and two other blades at the
"Portcullis" tavern hard by.'
'Pace! pace! draw rein on your galloping tongue, good Lashmer, and
tell me whither he has gone.'
'If I could, sir, but I cannot; nor Mr. Follet, nor Mr. Follet's man
neither, for in truth he told none of them anything, save that they
were not like to see him for a good space to come.'
'Then leave me, Lashmer, and good-night. Go to your bed now, and
find a kind thought for a heart-sick master.'
'Heaven save your worship, and pardon a malapert servitor,' said
Lashmer, and left me to my thoughts.
First, I think, I pondered over Mr. Follet's great tenderness with
me, when as I felt he must have known all. Then I tried to come to
conclusions with myself what I was to do. The more I pondered the
more it seemed useless to search farther for Harry, and the more I
dwelt on what Mr. Follet had said to me of sounding the note of
Mars's orbit as a cure for my discords.
I felt shamed, moreover, to think that my old tutor knew all. I felt
I could no more go back and face him; nay, I felt as though every one
knew my shame, and a desire grew in me to fly far away from it all.
I began to reason with myself as to what good end it would serve to
find Harry, and now it seemed that even if I could find him I dared
not face him. My bold resolves were melting to cowardice in the heat
of my remorse, and utterly purposeless and alone I crept with a
broken spirit to my bed.