(_By our tireless Political Penetrator._)
For some time past, I understand, the Government has been considering
steps to bring the personalities of Cabinet Ministers more prominently
into the public eye. "We are not sufficiently known," said Sir WILLIAM
SUTHERLAND, who has the matter in hand, "as living palpitating figures
to the man in the street. We do not grip the nation's heart. We lack
pep."
I told him that it was a pity about pep. I felt that the Government
ought to have pep. and plenty of it. If possible they ought to have
vineg. and must. too.
"You are right," he said. "Occasional paragraphs in the Press,
snapshots which take us very likely with one leg stuck out in front
as if we were doing the goose-step, rare provincial excursions and
bouquets from admiring mill-girls are all very well in their way, but
they are nothing to constant personal appearances at stated times
and in stated places before an admiring mob. The heroes of sport are
overshadowing us," he continued with a sigh, pushing me over a box of
cigars.
"What are you going to do about it?" I asked, lighting one and putting
another carefully behind my ear.
"You must remember first," he replied, "that this is quite a modern
difficulty. Statesmen of the past used to make their leisurely
progress through the town surrounded by retainers on horseback, or
in sedan-chairs, beautifully dressed and scattering largesse as they
went. THOMAS A BECKET, the great Primate and Chancellor, used to have
poor men to dine with him and crowds thronging round to bless him.
To-day, I suppose, JOE BECKETT in his flowered dressing-gown would
be a more popular figure than Lord BIRKENHEAD and the Archbishop of
CANTERBURY, if you can imagine them rolled into one. In CHARLES II.'s
reign, when politicians used to play _pele-mele_ where the great Clubs
are now, anyone could rub shoulders with my lord of BUCKINGHAM and,
if he was lucky, get a swipe across the shins with the ducal mallet
itself. That is the kind of thing we want now.
"I had thoughts of running popular excursions down to Walton Heath,
but I am not sure that the people would care to go so far even to see
Sir ERIC GEDDES carrying the home green and Lord RIDDELL--the Riddell
of the sands, as we call him affectionately down there--getting out of
a difficult bunker. So I am trying to arrange for a few putting greens
in railed-off spaces in St. James's Park near the pelicans, and we
also propose to hold there on fine summer days the breakfast parties
for which the PRIME MINISTER is so famous. We shall make a point
of throwing not only crumbs to the birds, but slices of bread and
marmalade to the more indigent spectators. We shall also try to get
two or three open squash racket courts in Whitehall, so that on hot
summer days the most carping critic who watches a rally between Mr.
AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN and the SECRETARY OF STATE for WAR will have to
admit that we are doing our utmost to eliminate waste-products."
"But what about the clothes and the stately progress and the
largesse?" I asked; the largesse idea had struck me with particular
force.
"We are thinking of goat carriages and overalls for economy," he said,
"and the largesse cannot, I am afraid, be allowed for in the Treasury
Estimates. But we shall certainly scatter a handful or two of O.B.E.'s
as we go."
"And how will you deal with the country and the outer suburbs?" I
asked when my admiration had partially subsided.
"Ah, there you have the Cinema," replied Sir WILLIAM enthusiastically.
"We are going to make great strides with the Cinema. Our first film,
which is now in preparation, deals with the Leamington episode and has
been very carefully staged. It has been necessary, of course, in
the interests of art to elaborate the actual incidents to a certain
extent. Coalition Liberals, for instance, were obliged to board the
train in the traditional manner of the screen, leaping on to it whilst
in motion and climbing, some by way of the brakes and buffers, some
along the roofs of the carriages, into their reserved compartment.
Then again we could not reassemble the actual gathering of Wee Frees
to represent the enemy, but we secured the services of actors well
trained in Wild West and "crook" parts, capably led by those two
prominent comedians, _Mr. Mutt_ and _Mr. Jeff_. The film ends, of
course, with the second meeting at the Central Hall, Westminster,
when _Messrs. Mutt_ and _Jeff_ again appear as comic and objectionable
interrupters, and are ignominiously hurled into the street.
"Very soon we hope to have all important Parliamentary debates filmed.
It will be essential, of course, to provide some comic relief, and we
are relying confidently on certain Members to practise the wearing
of mobile moustaches and to take lessons in the stagger, the butter
slide, the business with the cane and the quick reversal of the hat."
"In short you think politics should be more spectacular?"
"That's it," he said. "HOBBS the mammoth hitter and a little less of
the _Leviathan_."
Greatly impressed I bit off the end of his second cigar and went back
to the office to look up _Leviathan_.