IN THE SCHOOL OF SUFFERING.
1851-1858.
I.
Removal to New York and first Summer there. Letters. Loss of Sleep and
Anxiety about Eddy. Extracts from Eddy's Journal, describing his last
Illness and Death. Lines entitled "To my Dying Eddy."
Mrs. Prentiss' removal to New York was an important link in the chain
of outward events which prepared her for her special life-work. It
introduced her at once into a circle unsurpassed, perhaps, by any other
in the country, for its intelligence, its domestic and social virtues,
and its earnest Christian spirit. The Mercer street Presbyterian church
contained at that time many members whose names were known and honored
the world over, in the spheres of business, professional life,
literature, philanthropy, and religion; and among its homes were some
that seemed to have attained almost the perfection of beauty. In these
homes the new pastor's wife soon became an object of tender love and
devotion. Here she found herself surrounded by all congenial influences.
Her mind and heart alike were refreshed and stimulated in the healthiest
manner. And to add to her joy, several dear old friends lived near her
and sat in adjoining pews on the Sabbath.
But happy as were the auspices that welcomed her to New York, the
experience of the past two years had taught her not to expect too much
from any outward conditions. She entered, therefore, upon this new
period of her life in a very sober mood. Nor had many months elapsed
before she began to hear premonitory murmurs of an incoming sea of
trouble. Most of the summer of 1851 she remained in town with the
children. An extract from a letter to her youngest brother, dated August
1, will show how she whiled away many a weary hour:
It has been very hot this summer; our house is large and cool, and above
all, I have a nice bathing-room opening out of my chamber, with hot and
cold water and a shower-bath, which is a world of comfort. We spent part
of last week at Rockaway, L. I., visiting a friend. [1] I nearly froze
to death, but George and the children were much benefited. I have
improved fast in health since we came here. Yesterday I walked two and a
half miles with George, and a year ago at this time I could not walk a
quarter of a mile without being sick after it for some days. When I
feel miserably I just put on my bonnet and get into an omnibus and go
rattlety-bang down town; the air and the shaking and the jolting and the
sight-seeing make me feel better and so I get along. If I could safely
leave my children I should go with George. He hates to go alone and
surely I hate to be left alone; in fact instead of liking each other's
society less and less, we every day get more and more dependent on each
other, and take separation harder and harder. Our children are well.
To her husband, who had gone to visit an old friend, at Harpswell, on
the coast of Maine, she writes a few days later:
On Saturday very early Professor Smith called with the House of Seven
Gables. I read about half of it in the evening. One sees the hand of the
_artist_ as clearly in such a work as in painting, and the hand of a
skilful one, too. I have read many books with more interest, but never
one in which I was so diverted from the story to a study of the author
himself. So far there is nothing exciting in it. I don't know who
supplied the pulpit on Sunday morning. The sermon was to young men,
which was not so appropriate as it might have been, considering there
were no young men present, unless I except our Eddy and other sprigs of
humanity of his age. I suppose you will wonder what in the world I let
Eddy go for. Well, I took a fancy to let Margaret try him, as nobody
would know him in the gallery and he coaxed so prettily to go. He was
highly excited at the permission, and as I was putting on his sacque, I
directed Margaret to take it off if he fell asleep. "Ho! I shan't go to
sleep," quoth he; "Christ doesn't have rocking-chairs in His house." He
set off in high spirits, and during the long prayer I heard him laugh
loud; soon after I heard a rattling as of a parasol and Eddy saying,
"There it is!" by which time Margaret, finding he was going to begin a
regular frolic, sagely took him out.
_August 7th_--The five girls from Brooklyn all spent yesterday here.
They had a regular frolic towards night, bathing and shower-bathing.
Afterwards we all went on top of the house. It was very pleasant up
there. I took the children to Barnum's Museum, as I proposed doing. They
were delighted, particularly with the "Happy Family," which consisted of
cats, rats, birds, dogs, rabbits, monkeys, etc., etc., dwelling together
in unity. I observed that though the cats forbore to lay a paw upon
the rats and mice about them, they yet took a melancholy pleasure in
_looking_ at these dainty morsels, from which nothing could persuade
them to turn off their eyes. I am glad that you got away from New
Bedford alive and that you did not stay longer, but hearing about our
friends there made me quite long to see them myself. Do have just the
best time in the world at Harpswell, and don't let the Rev. Elijah drown
you for the sake of catching your mantle as you go down. I dare not tell
you how much I miss you, lest you should think I do not rejoice in your
having this vacation. May God bless and keep you.
During the autumn she suffered much again from feeble health and
incessant loss of sleep. "I have often thought," she wrote to a friend,
"that while so stupefied by sickness I should not be glad to see my own
mother if I had to speak to her." But neither sick days nor sleepless
nights could quench the Brightness of her spirit or wholly spoil her
enjoyment of life. A little diary which she kept contains many gleams of
sunshine, recording pleasant visits from old friends, happy hours and
walks with the children, excursions to Newark, and how "amazingly" she
"enjoyed the boys" (her brothers) on their return from the pursuit of
golden dreams in California. In the month of November the diary shows
that her watchful eye observed in Eddy signs of disease, which filled
her with anxiety. Before the close of the year her worst fears began
to be realised. She wrote, Dec. 31: "I am under a constant pressure of
anxiety about Eddy. How little we know what the New Year will bring
forth." Early in January, 1852, his symptoms assumed a fatal type, and
on the 16th of the same month the beautiful boy was released from his
sufferings, and found rest in the kingdom of heaven, that sweet home of
the little children. A few extracts from Eddy's journal will tell the
story of his last days:
On the 19th of December the Rev. Mr. Poor was here. On hearing of it,
Eddy said he wanted to see him. As he took now so little interest in
anything that would cost him an effort, I was surprised, but told Annie
to lead him down to the parlor; on reaching it they found Mr. Poor not
there, and they then went up to the study. I heard their father's joyous
greeting as he opened his door for them, and how he welcomed Eddy, in
particular, with a perfect shower of kisses and caresses. This was the
last time the dear child's own feet ever took him there; but his father
afterwards frequently carried him up in his arms and amused him with
pictures, especially with what Eddy called the "bear books." [2] One
morning Ellen told him she was going to make a little pie for his
dinner, but on his next appearance in the kitchen told him she had let
it burn all up in the oven, and that she felt _dreadfully_ about it.
"Never mind, Ellie," said he, "mamma does not like to have me eat pie;
but when I _get well_ I shall have as many as I want."
On the 24th of December Mr. Stearns and Anna were here. I was out with
the latter most of the day; on my return Eddy came to me with a little
flag which his uncle had given him, and after they had left us he ran
up and down with it, and as my eye followed him, I thought he looked
happier and brighter and more like himself than I had seen him for a
long time. He kept saying, "Mr. Stearns gave me this flag!" and then
would correct himself and say, "I mean my _Uncle_ Stearns." On this
night he hung up his bag for his presents, and after going to bed,
surveyed it with a chuckle of pleasure peculiar to him, and finally fell
asleep in this happy mood. I took great delight in arranging his and
A.'s presents, and getting them safely into their bags. He enjoyed
Christmas as much as I had reason to expect he would, in his state of
health, and was busy among his new playthings all day. He had taken a
fancy within a few weeks to kneel at family prayers with me at my chair,
and would throw one little arm round my neck, while with the other hand
he so prettily and seriously covered his eyes. As their heads touched my
face as they knelt, I observed that Eddy's felt hot when compared with
A.'s; just enough so to increase my uneasiness. On entering the nursery
on New Year's morning, I was struck with his appearance as he lay in
bed; his face being spotted all over. On asking Margaret about it, she
said he had been crying, and that this occasioned the spots. This did
not seem probable to me, for I had never seen anything of this kind on
his face before. How little I knew that these were the last tears my
darling would ever shed.
On Sunday morning, January 4, not being able to come himself, Dr. Buck
sent Dr. Watson in his place. I told Dr. W. that I thought Eddy had
water on the brain; he said it was not so, and ordered nothing but a
warm bath. On Thursday, January 8, while Margaret was at dinner, I knelt
by the side of the cradle, rocking it very gently, and he asked me to
tell him a story. I asked what about, and he said, "A little boy," on
which I said something like this: Mamma knows a dear little boy who was
very sick. His head ached and he felt sick all over. God said, I must
let that little lamb come into my fold; then his head will never ache
again, and he will be a very happy little lamb. I used the words little
lamb because he was so fond of them. Often he would run to his nurse
with his face full of animation and say, "Marget! Mamma says I am her
little lamb!" While I was telling him this story his eyes were fixed
intelligently on my face. I then said, "Would you like to know the name
of this boy?" With eagerness he said, "Yes, yes, mamma!" Taking his dear
little hand in mine, and kissing it, I said, "It was Eddy." Just then
his nurse came in and his attention was diverted, so I said no more.
On Sunday, January 11, at noon, while they were all at dinner, I was
left alone with my darling for a few moments, and could not help kissing
his unconscious lips. To my utter amazement he looked up and plainly
recognised me and warmly returned my kiss. Then he said feebly, but
distinctly twice, "I want some meat and potato." I do not think I should
have been more delighted if he had risen from the dead, once more to
recognise me. Oh, it was _such_ a comfort to have one more kiss, and to
be able to gratify one more wish!
On Friday, January 16th, his little weary sighs became more profound,
and, as the day advanced, more like groans; but appeared to indicate
extreme fatigue, rather than severe pain. Towards night his breathing
became quick and laborious, and between seven and eight slight spasms
agitated his little feeble frame. He uttered cries of distress for a few
minutes, when they ceased, and his loving and gentle spirit ascended to
that world where thousands of holy children and the blessed company of
angels and our blessed Lord Jesus, I doubt not, joyfully welcomed him.
Now we were able to say, _It is well with the child!_
"Oh," said the gardener, as he passed down the garden-walk, "who plucked
that flower? Who gathered that plant?" His fellow-servants answered,
"The MASTER!" And the gardener held his peace.
The feelings of the mother's heart on Friday found vent in some lines
entitled _To My Dying Eddy; January 16th_. Here are two stanzas:
Blest child! dear child! For thee is Jesus calling;
And of our household thee--and only thee!
Oh, hasten hence! to His embraces hasten!
Sweet shall thy rest and safe thy shelter be.
Thou who unguarded ne'er hast left our threshold,
Alone must venture now an unknown way;
Yet, fear not! Footprints of an Infant Holy
Lie on thy path. Thou canst not go astray.
In a letter to her friend Mrs. Allen, of New Bedford, dated January 28,
she writes:
During our dear little Eddy's illness we were surrounded with kind
friends, and many prayers were offered for us and for him. Nothing that
could alleviate our affliction was left undone or unthought of, and we
feel that it would be most unchristian and ungrateful in us to even
wonder at that Divine will which has bereaved us of our only boy--the
light and sunshine of our household. We miss him _sadly_. I need not
explain to you, who know all about it, _how_ sadly; but we rejoice that
he has got away from this troublous life, and that we have had the
privilege of giving so dear a child to God. When he was well he was one
of the happiest creatures I ever saw, and I am sure he is well now,
and that he is as happy as his joyous nature makes him susceptible of
becoming. God has been most merciful to us in this affliction, and, if
a bereaved, we are still a _happy_ household and full of thanksgiving.
Give my love to both the children and tell them they must not forget
us, and when they think and talk of their dear brother and sisters in
heaven, they must sometimes think of the little Eddy who is there too.
* * * * *
II.
Birth of her Third Child. Reminiscence of a Sabbath-Evening Talk. Story
of the Baby's Sudden Illness and Death. Summer of 1852. Lines entitled
"My Nursery."
The shock of Eddy's death proved almost too much for Mrs. Prentiss'
enfeebled frame. She bore it, however, with sweet submission, and on the
17th of the following April her sorrow was changed to joy, and Eddy's
empty place filled, as she thought, by the birth of Elizabeth, her third
child, a picture of infantine health and beauty. But, although the child
seemed perfectly well, the mother herself was brought to the verge of
the grave. For a week or two her life wavered in the balance, and she
was quite in the mood to follow Eddy to the better country. Her husband,
recording a "long and most interesting conversation" with her on Sabbath
evening, May 2d, speaks of the "depth and tenderness of her religious
feelings, of her sense of sin and of the grace and glory of the
Saviour," and then adds, "Her old Richmond exercises seem of late
to have returned with their former strength and beauty increased
many-fold." On the 14th of May she was able to write in pencil these
lines to her sister, Mrs. Hopkins:
I little thought that I should ever write to you again, but I have been
brought through a great deal, and now have reason to expect to get well.
I never knew how much I loved you till I gave up all hope of ever seeing
you again, and I have not strength yet to tell you all about it. Poor
George has suffered much. I hope all will be blessed to him and to me. I
am still confined to bed. The doctor thinks there may be an abscess near
the hip-joint, and, till that is cured, I can neither lie straight in
bed or stand on my feet or ride out. Everybody is kind. Our cup has run
over. It is a sore trial not to be allowed to nurse baby. She is kept
in another room. I only see her once a day. She begins to smile, and is
very bright-eyed. I hope your journey will do you good. If you can, do
write a few lines--not more. But, good-by.
Hardly had she penned these lines, when, like a thunderbolt from a clear
sky, another stunning blow fell upon her. On the 19th of May, after an
illness of a few hours, Bessie, too, was folded forever in the arms of
the Good Shepherd. Here is the mother's own story of her loss:
Our darling Eddy died on the 16th of January. The baby he had so often
spoken of was born on the 17th of April. I was too feeble to have any
care of her. Never had her in my arms but twice; once the day before she
died and once while she was dying. I never saw her little feet. She was
a beautiful little creature, with a great quantity of dark hair and very
dark blue eyes. The nurse had to keep her in another room on account
of my illness. When she was a month old she brought her to me one
afternoon. "This child is perfectly beautiful," said she; "to-morrow I
mean to dress her up and have her likeness taken." I asked her to get me
up in bed and let me take her a minute. She objected, and I urged her
a good deal, till at last she consented. The moment I took her I was
struck by her unearthly, absolutely angelic expression; and, not having
strength enough to help it, burst out crying bitterly, and cried all the
afternoon while I was struggling to give her up.
Her father was at Newark. When he came home at dark I told him I was
sure that baby was going to die. He laughed at me, said my weak health
made me fancy it, and asked the nurse if the child was not well. She
said she was--perfectly well. My presentiment remained, however, in full
force, and the first thing next morning I asked Margaret to go and see
how baby was. She came back, saying, "She is very well. She lies there
on the bed scolding to herself." I cried out to have her instantly
brought to me. M. refused, saying the nurse would be displeased. But my
anxieties were excited by the use of the word "scolding," as I knew no
baby a month old did anything of that sort, and insisted on its being
brought to me. The instant I touched it I felt its head to be of a
burning heat, and sent for the nurse at once. When she came, I said,
"This child is _very sick_." "Yes," she said, "but I wanted you to have
your breakfast first. At one o'clock in the night I found a little
swelling. I do not know what it is, but the child is certainly very
sick." On examination I knew it was erysipelas. "Don't say that," said
the nurse, and burst into tears. I made them get me up and partly dress
me, as I was so excited I could not stay in bed.
Dr. Buck came at ten o'clock; he expressed no anxiety, but prescribed
for her and George went out to get what he ordered. The nurse brought
her to me at eleven o'clock and begged me to observe that the spot had
turned black. I knew at once that this was fearful, fatal disease, and
entreated George to go and tell the doctor. He went to please me, though
he saw no need of it, and gave the wrong message to the doctor, to the
effect that the swelling was increasing, to which the doctor replied
that it naturally would do so. The little creature, whose moans Margaret
had termed scolding, now was heard all over that floor; every breath a
moan that tore my heart in pieces. I begged to have her brought to me
but the nurse sent word she was too sick to be moved. I then begged the
nurse to come and tell me exactly what she thought of her, but she said
she could not leave her. I then crawled on my hands and knees into the
room, being unable then and for a long time after to bear my own weight.
What a scene our nursery presented! Everything upset and tossed about,
medicines here and there on the floor, a fire like a fiery furnace, and
Miss H. sitting hopelessly and with falling tears with the baby on a
pillow in her lap--all its boasted beauty gone forever. The sight was
appalling and its moans heart-rending. George came and got me back to my
sofa and said he felt as if he should jump out of the window every time
he heard that dreadful sound. He had to go out and made me promise not
to try to go to the nursery till his return. I foolishly promised. Mrs.
White [3] called, and I told her I was going to lose my baby; she was
very kind and went in to see it but I believe expressed no opinion as
to its state. But she repeated an expression which I repeated to myself
many times that day, and have repeated thousands of times since--"_God
never makes a mistake_."
Margaret went soon after she left to see how the poor little creature
was, and did not come back. Hour after hour passed and no one came. I
lay racked with cruel torture, bitterly regretting my promise to George,
listening to those moans till I was nearly wild. Then in a frenzy of
despair I pulled myself over to my bureau, where I had arranged the
dainty little garments my darling was to wear, and which I had promised
myself so much pleasure in seeing her wear. I took out everything she
would need for her burial, with a sort of wild pleasure in doing for her
one little service, where I had hoped before to render so many. She it
was whom we expected to fill our lost Eddy's vacant place; we thought
we had _had_ our sorrow and that now our joy had come. As I lay back
exhausted, with these garments on my breast, Louisa Shipman [4] opened
the door. One glance at my piteous face, for oh, how glad I was to see
her! made her burst into tears before she knew what she was crying for.
"Oh, go bring me news from my poor dying baby!" I almost screamed, as
she approached me. "And see, here are her grave-clothes." "Oh, Lizzy,
have you gone crazy?" cried she, with a fresh burst of tears. I besought
her to go, told her how my promise bound me, made her listen to those
terrible sounds which two doors could not shut out. As she left the room
she met Dr. B. and they went to the nursery together. She soon came
back, quiet and composed, but very sorrowful. "Yes, she is dying," said
she, "the doctor says so; she will not live an hour." ... At last we
heard the sound of George's key. Louise ran to call him. I crawled once
more to the nursery, and snatched my baby in fierce triumph from the
nurse. At least once I would hold my child, and nobody should prevent
me. George, pale as death, baptized her as I held her in my trembling
arms; there were a few more of those terrible, never-to-be-forgotten
sounds, and at seven o'clock we were once more left with only one child.
A short, sharp conflict, and our baby was gone.
Dr. B. came in later and said the whole thing was to him like a
thunderclap--as it was to her poor father. To me it followed closely on
the presentiment that in some measure prepared me for it. Here I sit
with empty hands. I have had the little coffin in my arms, but my baby's
face could not be seen, so rudely had death marred it. Empty hands,
empty hands, a worn-out, exhausted body, and unutterable longings to
flee from a world that has had for me so many sharp experiences. God
help me, my baby, my baby! God help me, my little lost Eddy!
But although the death of these two children tore with anguish the
mother's heart, she made no show of grief, and to the eye of the world
her life soon appeared to move on as aforetime. Never again, however,
was it exactly the same life. She had entered into the fellowship of
Christ's sufferings, and the new experience wrought a great change in
her whole being.
A part of the summer and the early autumn of 1852 were passed among
kind friends at Newport, in Portland, and at the Ocean House on Cape
Elizabeth. She returned much refreshed, and gave herself up cheerfully
to her accustomed duties. But a cloud rested still upon her home, and at
times the old grief came back again with renewed poignancy. Here are a
few lines expressive of her feelings. They were written in pencil on a
little scrap of paper:
MY NURSERY. 1852.
I thought that prattling boys and girls
Would fill this empty room;
That my rich heart would gather flowers
From childhood's opening bloom.
One child and two green graves are mine,
This is God's gift to me;
A bleeding, fainting, broken heart--
This is my gift to Thee.
* * * * *
III.
Summer at White Lake. Sudden Death of her Cousin, Miss Shipman.
Quarantined. _Little Susy's Six Birthdays._ How she wrote it. _The
Flower of the Family._ Her Motive in writing it. Letter of Sympathy to a
bereaved Mother. A Summer at the Seaside. _Henry and Bessie._
The year 1853 was passed quietly and in better health. In the early
summer she made a delightful visit at The Island, near West Point, the
home of the author of "The Wide, Wide World." She was warmly attached to
Miss Warner and her sister, and hardly less so to their father and aunt,
whose presence then adorned that pleasant home with so much light and
sweetness.
Early in August she went with her husband and child to White Lake,
Sullivan Co., N. Y., where, in company with several families from the
Mercer street church, she spent six weeks in breathing the pure country
air, and in healthful outdoor exercise. [5]
About the middle of October she was greatly distressed by the sudden
death of the young cousin, already mentioned, who was staying with her
during her husband's absence on a visit to New Bedford. Miss Shipman
was a bright, attractive girl, and enthusiastic in her devotion to
Mrs. Prentiss. The latter, in a letter to her husband, dated Saturday
morning, October 15th, 1853, writes:
I imagine you enjoying this fine morning, and can't rejoice enough, that
you are having such weather. A. is bright and well and is playing in
her baby-house and singing. Louise is still quite sick, and I see no
prospect of her not remaining so for some time. The morning after you
left I thought to be sure she had the small-pox. The doctor, however,
calls it a rash. It makes her look dreadfully and feel dreadfully.
She gets hardly a moment of sleep and takes next to no nourishment.
Arrowroot is all the doctor allows. He comes twice a day and seems
_very_ kind and full of compassion. She crawled down this morning to the
nursery, and seems to be asleep now. Mrs. Bull very kindly offered to
come and do anything if Louise should need it, but I do not think she
will be sick enough for that. I feel well and able to do all that is
necessary. The last proof-sheets came last night, so that job is off my
hands. [6] And now, darling, I can't tell you how I miss you. I never
missed you more in my life, if as much. I hope you are having a nice
visit. Give my love to Capt. and Mrs. Gibbs and all our friends. Your
most loving little wife.
On the following Wednesday, October 19th, she writes to her husband's
mother:
You will be shocked to hear that Louisa Shipman died on Sunday night
and was buried yesterday. Her disease was spotted fever of the most
malignant character, and raged with great fury. She dropped away most
unexpectedly to us, before I had known five minutes that she was in
danger, and I came near being entirely alone with her. Dr. M. happened
to be here and also her mother-in-law; but I had been alone in the house
with her all day. It is a dreadful shock to us all, and I feel perfectly
stupefied. George got home in time for the funeral, but Dr. Skinner
performed the services. Anna will go home to-morrow and tell you all
about it. She and Mr. S. slept away, as the upper part of the house is
airing; and to-night they will sleep at Prof. Smith's.
The case was even more fearful than she supposed while writing this
letter. Upon her describing it to Dr. Buck, who called a few hours
later, he exclaimed, "Why, it was malignant small-pox! You must all be
vaccinated instantly and have the bedding and house disinfected." This
was done; but it was too late. Her little daughter had the disease,
though in a mild form; and one of her brothers, who was passing the
autumn with her, had it so severely as barely to escape with his life.
She herself became a nurse to them both, and passed the next two months
quarantined within her own walls. To her husband's mother she wrote:
I am not allowed to see _anyone_--am very lonesome, and hope Anna will
write and tell me every little thing about you all. The scenes I have
lately passed through make me tremble when I think what a fatal malady
lurks in every corner of our house. And speaking after the manner of
men, does it not seem almost incredible that this child, watched from
her birth like _the apple of our eyes_, should yet fall into the jaws of
this loathsome disease? I see more and more that parents _must_ leave
their children to Providence.
In the early part of this year Mrs. Prentiss wrote _Little Susy's Six
Birthdays_, the book that has given so much delight to tens of thousands
of little children, wherever the English tongue is spoken. Like most
of her books, it was an inspiration and was composed with the utmost
rapidity. She read the different chapters, as they were written, to
her husband, child and brother, who all with one voice expressed their
admiration. In about ten days the work was finished. The manuscript was
in a clear, delicate hand and without an erasure. Upon its publication
it was at once recognised as a production of real genius, inimitable
in its kind, and neither the popular verdict nor the verdict of the
children as to its merits has ever changed.
Mrs. Prentiss, as has been stated already, began to write for the press
at an early age. But from the time of her going to Richmond till 1853--a
period of thirteen years--her pen was well nigh idle, except in the way
of correspondence. When, therefore, she gave herself again to literary
labor, it was with a largely increased fund of knowledge and experience
upon which to draw. These thirteen years had taught her rich lessons,
both in literature and in life. They had been especially fruitful in
revealing to her the heart of childhood and quickening her sympathy with
its joys and sorrows. And all these lessons prepared her to write Little
Susy's Six Birthdays and the other Susy books.
The year 1854 was marked by the birth of her fourth child, and by the
publication of _The Flower of the Family._ This work was received with
great favor both at home and abroad. It was soon translated into French
under the title, _La Fleur de la Famille,_ and later into German under
the title, _Die Perle der Familie_. In both languages it received the
warmest praise.
In a letter to her friend Mrs. Clark, of Portland, she thus refers to
this book:
I long to have it doing good. I never had such desires about anything
in my life; and I never sat down to write without first praying that I
might not be suffered to write anything that would do harm, and that, on
the contrary, I might be taught to say what would do good. And it
has been a great comfort to me that every word of praise I ever have
received from others concerning it has been "it will do good," and this
I have had from so many sources that amid much trial and sickness ever
since its publication, I have had rays of sunshine creeping in now and
then to cheer and sustain me.
To the same friend, just bereft of her two children, she writes a few
months later:
Is it possible, is it possible that you are made childless? I feel
distressed for you, my dear friend; I long to fly to you and weep with
you; it seems as if I _must_ say or do something to comfort you. But God
only can help you now, and how thankful I am for a throne of grace and
power where I can commend you, again and again, to Him who doeth all
things well.
I never realise my own affliction in the loss of my children as I do
when death enters the house of a friend. Then I feel that _I can't have
it so._ But why should I think I know better than my Divine Master what
is good for me, or good for those I love! Dear Carrie,'! trust that in
this hour of sorrow you have with you that Presence, before which alone
sorrow and sighing flee away. _God_ is left; _Christ_ is left; sickness,
accident, death can not touch you here. Is not this a blissful
thought?... As I sit at my desk my eye is attracted by the row of books
before me, and what a comment on life are their very titles: "Songs in
the Night," "Light on Little Graves," "The Night of Weeping," "The Death
of Little Children," "The Folded Lamb," "The Broken Bud," these have
strayed one by one into my small enclosure, to speak peradventure a word
in season unto my weariness. And yet, dear Carrie, this is not all of
life. You and I have tasted some of its highest joys, as well as its
deepest sorrows, and it has in reserve for us only just what is best for
us. May sorrow bring us both nearer to Christ! I can almost fancy my
little Eddy has taken your little Maymee by the hand and led her to the
bosom of Jesus. How strange our children, our own little infants, have
seen Him in His glory, whom we are only yet longing for and struggling
towards!
If it will not frighten you to own a Unitarian book, there is one called
"Christian Consolation" by Rev. A. P. Peabody, that I think you would
find very profitable. I see nothing, or next to nothing, Unitarian
in it, while it is _full_ of rich, holy experience. One sermon on
"Contingent Events and Providence" touches your case exactly.
No event of special importance marked the year 1855. She spent the month
of July among her friends in Portland, and the next six weeks at the
Ocean House on Cape Elizabeth. This was one of her favorite places of
rest. She never tired of watching the waves and their "multitudinous
laughter," of listening to the roar of the breakers, or climbing the
rocks and wandering along the shore in quest of shells and sea-grasses.
In gathering and pressing the latter, she passed many a happy hour. In
August of this year appeared one of her best children's books, _Henry
and Bessie; or, What they Did in the Country._
* * * * *
IV.
A Memorable Year. Lines on the Anniversary of Eddy's Death. Extracts
from her Journal. _Little Susy's Six Teachers._ The Teachers' Meeting.
A New York Waif. Summer in the Country. Letters. _Little Susy's Little
Servants._ Extracts from her Journal. "Alone with God."
The records of the year 1856 are singularly full and interesting. It was
a year of poignant suffering, of sharp conflicts of soul, and of great
peace and joy. Its earlier months, especially, were shadowed by a dark
cloud of anxiety and distress. And her feeble bodily state caused by
care-worn days and sleepless nights, added to the trouble. Old sorrows,
too, came back again. On the 16th of January, the anniversary of Eddy's
death, she gave vent to her feelings in some pathetic verses, of which
the following lines form a part:
Four years, four weary years, my child,
Four years ago to-night,
With parting cry of anguish wild
Thy spirit took its flight; ah me!
Took its eternal flight.
And in that hour of mortal strife
I thought I felt the throe,
The birth-pang of a grief, whose life
Must soothe my tearless woe, must soothe
And ease me of my woe.
Yet folded far through all these years,
Folded from mortal eyes,
Lying alas "too deep for tears,"
Unborn, unborn it lies, within
My heart of heart it lies.
My sinless child! upon thy knees
Before the Master pray;
Methinks thy infant hands might seize
And shed upon my way sweet peace;
Sweet peace upon my way.
Here follow some extracts from her journal.
_Jan 3d. 1856._--Had no time to write on New Year's day, as we had a
host of callers. It was a very hard day, as I was quite unwell, and had
at last to give up and go to bed.
_15th_--Am quite uneasy about baby, as it seems almost impossible she
should long endure such severe pain and want of sleep. My life is a
very anxious one. I feel every day more and more longing for my home
in heaven. Sometimes I fear it amounts almost to a sinful longing--for
surely I ought to be willing to live or die, just as God pleases.
_Feb. 1st._--I have had no heart to make a record of what has befallen
us since I last wrote. And yet I may, sometime, want to recall this
experience, painful as it is. Dear little baby had been improving in
health, and on Wednesday we went to dine at Mrs. Wainright's. We went at
four. About eight, word came that she was ill. When I got home I found
her insensible, with her eyes wide open, her breathing terrific, and her
condition in every respect very alarming. Just as Dr. Buck was coming
in, she roused a little, but soon relapsed into the same state. He told
us she was dying. I felt like a stone, _In a moment_ I seemed to give up
my hold on her. She appeared no longer mine but God's. It is always
so in such great emergencies. _Then_, my will that struggles so about
trifles, makes no effort. But as we sat hour after hour watching the
alternations of color in her purple face and listening to that terrible
gasping, rattling sound, I said to myself "A few more nights like this,
and I do believe my body and soul would yield to such anguish." Oh, why
should I try to tell myself what a night it was. God knows, God only!
How He has smitten me by means of this child, He well knows. She
remained thus about twelve hours. Twelve hours of martyrdom to me such
as I never had known. Then to our unspeakable amazement she roused up,
nursed, and then fell into a sweet sleep of some hours.
_Sunday, Feb. 3d._--The stupor, or whatever it is, in which that
dreadful night has left me, is on me still. I have no more sense or
feeling than a stone. I kneel down before God and do not say a word.
I take up a book and read, but get hold of nothing. At church I felt
afraid I should fall upon the people and tear them. I could wish no one
to pity me or even know that I am smitten. It does seem to me that those
who can sit down and cry, know nothing of misery.
_Feb. 4th_.--At last the ice melts and I can get near my God--my only
comfort, my only joy, my All in all! This morning I was able to open my
heart to Him and to cast some of this burden on Him, who alone _knows_
what it is.... I see that it is sweet to be a pilgrim and a stranger,
and that it matters _very little_ what befalls me on the way to my
blessed home. If God pleases to spare my child a little longer, I will
be very thankful. May He take this season, when earthly comfort fails
me, to turn me more than ever to Himself. For some months I have enjoyed
a _great deal_ in Him. Prayer has been very sweet and I have had some
glimpses of joys indescribable.
_6th._--She still lives. I know not what to think. One moment I think
one thing and the next another. It is harder to submit to this suspense
than to a real, decided blow. But I desire to leave it to my God. He
knows all her history and all mine. He orders all these aggravating
circumstances and I would not change them. My darling has not lived in
vain. For eighteen months she has been the little rod used by my Father
for my chastisement and not, I think, quite in vain. Oh my God! stay
not Thy hand till Thou hast perfected that which concerneth me. Send
anything rather than unsanctified prosperity.
_Feb. 10th._--To help divert my mind from such incessant brooding over
my sorrows, I am writing a new book. I had just begun it when baby's
ill-turn arrested me. I trust it may do some little good; at least I
would not dare to write it, if it _could_ do none. May God bless it!
_Feb. 14th._--Wanted to go to the prayer-meeting but concluded to take
A. to hear Gough at the Tabernacle. Seeing such a crowd always makes
me long to be in that happy crowd of saints and angels in heaven, and
hearing children sing so sweetly made me pray for an entrance into the
singing, praising multitude there. Oh, when shall I be one of that
blessed company who _sin_ not! My book is done; may God bless it to
_one_ child at least--then it will not have been wasted time.
The book referred to was _Little Susy's Six Teachers_. It was published
in the spring, and at once took its place beside the _Six Birthdays_ in
the hearts of the children; a place it still continues to hold. The six
teachers are Mrs. Love, Mr. Pain, Aunt Patience, Mr. Ought, Miss Joy,
and the angel Faith. At the end of six years they hold a meeting and
report to little Susy's parents what they have been doing. The closing
chapter, herewith quoted, gives an account of this meeting, and may
serve as a specimen of the style and spirit of all the Little Susy
books.
"If Mr. Pain is to be at the meeting, I can't go," said Miss Joy.
She stood on tip-toe before the glass, dressing herself in holiday
clothes.
"Perhaps he would be willing to leave his rod behind him," said Mrs.
Love. "I will ask him at all events."
Mr. Pain thought he should not feel at home without his rod. He said he
always liked to have it in his hands, whether he was to use it or not.
Miss Joy was full of fun and mischief about this time, so she slipped
up slyly behind Mr. Pain while he was talking and snatched away the
rod before he could turn round. Mrs. Love smiled on seeing this little
trick, and they all went down to the parlor and seated themselves with
much gravity. Little Susy sat in the midst in her own low chair looking
wide awake, you may depend. Her papa and mamma sat on each side like two
judges. Mrs. Love rocked herself in the rocking-chair in a contented,
easy way; and Aunt Patience, who liked to do such things, helped Miss
Joy to find the leaves of her report--which might have been rose-leaves,
they were so small.
Mr. Ought looked very good indeed, and the angel Faith shone across the
room like a sunbeam.
"Susy will be six years old to-morrow," said her papa. "You have all
been teaching her ever since she was born. We will now listen to your
reports and hear what you have taught her, and whether you have done her
any good."
They were all silent, but everybody looked at Mrs. Love as much as to
say she should begin. Mrs. Love took out a little book with a sky-blue
cover and began to read:
"I have not done much for Susy, but love her dearly; and I have not
taught her much, but to love everybody. When she was a baby I tried to
teach her to smile, but I don't think I could have taught her if Miss
Joy had not helped me. And when she was sick, I was always sorry for
her, and tried to comfort her."
"You have done her a great deal of good," said Susy's papa, "we will
engage you to stay six years longer, should God spare her life."
Then Mr. Pain took up his book. It had a black cover, but the leaves
were gilt-edged and the cover was spangled with stars.
"I have punished Susy a good many times," said Mr. Pain. "Sometimes I
slapped her with my hand; sometimes I struck her with my rod; sometimes
I made her sick; but I never did any of these things because I was angry
with her or liked to hurt her. I only came when Mrs. Love called me."
"You have taught her excellent lessons," said Susy's papa, "if it had
not been for you she would be growing up disobedient and selfish. You
may stay six years longer."
Then Mr. Pain made a low bow and said he was thinking of going away and
sending his brother, Mr. Sorrow, and his sister, Mrs. Disappointment, to
take his place."
"Oh, no!" cried Susy's mamma, "not yet, not yet! Susy is still so
little!"
Then Mr. Pain said he would stay without a rod, as Susy was now too old
to be whipped.
Then Miss Joy took up her book with its rainbow cover and tried to read.
But she laughed so heartily all the time, and her leaves kept flying out
of her hands at such a rate, that it was not possible to understand what
she was saying. It was all about clapping hands and running races, and
picking flowers and having a good time. Everybody laughed just because
she laughed, and Susy's papa could hardly keep his face grave long
enough to say:
"You have done more good than tongue can tell. You have made her just
such a merry, happy, laughing little creature as I wanted her to be. You
must certainly stay six years longer."
Then Mr. Ought drew forth his book. It had silver covers and its leaves
were of the most delicate tissue.
"I have taught little Susy to be good," said he. "Never to touch what
is not hers; never to speak a word that is not true; never to have a
thought she would not like the great and holy God to see. If I stay six
years longer I can teach her a great deal more, for she begins now to
understand my faintest whisper. She is such a little girl as I love to
live with."
Then Susy turned rosy-red with pleasure, and her papa and mamma got up
and shook hands with Mr. Ought and begged him never, never to leave
their darling child as long as she lived.
It was now the turn of Aunt Patience. Her book had covers wrought by her
own hands in grave and gay colors well mingled together.
"When I first came here," she said, "Susy used to cry a great deal
whenever she was hurt or punished. When she was sick she was very hard
to please. When she sat down to learn to sew and to read and to write,
she would break her thread in anger, or throw her book on the floor, or
declare she never could learn. But now she has left off crying when she
is hurt, and tries to bear the pain quietly. When she is sick she does
not fret or complain, but takes her medicine without a word. When she
is sewing she does not twitch her thread into knots, and when she is
writing she writes slowly and carefully. I have rocked her to sleep
a thousand times. I have been shut up in a closet with her again and
again, and I hope I have done her some good and taught her some useful
lessons."
"Indeed you have, Aunt Patience," said Susy's papa, "but Susy is not yet
perfect. We shall need you six years longer."
And now the little angel Faith opened his golden book and began to read:
"I have taught Susy that there is another world besides this, and have
told her that it is her real home, and what a beautiful and happy one it
is. I have told her a great deal about Jesus and the holy angels. I do
not know much myself. I am not very old, but if I stay here six years
longer I shall grow wiser and I will teach Susy all I learn, and we will
pray together every morning and every night, till at last she loves the
Lord Jesus with all her heart and soul and mind and strength."
Then Susy's papa and mamma looked at each other and smiled, and they
both said:
"Oh, beautiful angel, never leave her!"
And the angel answered:
"I will stay with her as long as she lives, and will never leave her
till I leave her at the very door of heaven."
Then the teachers began to put up their books, and Susy's papa and mamma
kissed her, and said:
"We have had a great deal of comfort in our little daughter; and, with
God's blessing, we shall see her grow up a loving, patient, and obedient
child--full of joy and peace and rich in faith and good works."
So they all bade each other good-night and went thankfully to bed.
The next entry in the journal notes a trait of character, or rather of
temperament, which often excited the wonder and also the anxiety of
her friends. It caused her no little discomfort, but she could never
withstand its power.
_March 21st_.--I have been busy with a sewing fit and find the least
interesting piece of work I can get hold of, as great a temptation
as the most charming. For if its _charm_ does not absorb my time and
thoughts, the eager haste to finish and get it out of the way, does.
This is my life. I either am stupefied by ill-health or sorrow, so as
to feel no interest in anything, or am _absorbed_ in whatever business,
work or pleasure I have on hand.
But neither anxiety about her child, household cares, or any work she
had in hand, so absorbed her thoughts as to render her insensible to the
sorrows and trials of others. On the contrary, they served rather to
call forth and intensify her kindly sympathies. A single case will
illustrate this. A poor little girl--one of those waifs of humanity in
which a great city abounds--had been commended to her by a friend. In a
letter to this friend, dated March 17, 1856, she writes:
That little girl came, petticoat and all; we gave her some breakfast,
and I then went down with her to Avenue A. On the way, she told me that
you gave her some money. To my great sorrow we found, on reaching the
school, that they could not take another one, as they were already
overflowing. As we came out, I saw that the poor little soul was just
ready to burst into tears, and said to her "Now you're disappointed, I
know!" whereupon she actually looked up into my face and _smiled_. You
know I was afraid I never should make her smile, she looked so forlorn.
I brought her home to get some books, as she said she could read, and
she is to come again to-morrow. A lady to whom I told the whole story,
sent me some stockings that would about go on to her big toe; however,
they will be nice for her little sister. The weather has been so mild
that I thought it would not be worth while to make her a cloak or
anything of that sort; but next fall I shall see that she is comfortably
clad, if she behaves as well as she did the day she was here. Oh, dear!
what a drop in the great bucket of New York misery, one such child is!
Yet somebody must look out for the drops, and I am only too thankful to
seize on this one.
In June she went, with the children, to Westport, Conn., where in rural
quiet and seclusion she passed the next three months. Here are some
extracts from her letters, written from that place:
Westport, _June 25, 1856._
We had a most comfortable time getting here; both the children enjoyed
the ride, and baby seemed unusually bright. Judge Betts was very
attentive and kind to us. Mrs. G. grows more and more pleasant every
day. We have plenty of good food, but she worries because I do not eat
more. You know I never was famous for eating meat, and country dinners
are not tempting. You can't think how we enjoy seeing the poultry fed.
There are a hundred and eighty hens and chickens, and you should see
baby throw her little hand full of corn to them. We went strawberrying
yesterday, all of us, and the way she was poked through bars and lifted
over stone-walls would have amused you. She is already quite sunburnt;
but I think she is looking sweetly. I find myself all the time peeping
out of the window, thinking every step is yours, or that every wagon
holds a letter for me.
_To Miss A. H. Woolsey, Westport, June 27._
Mr. P. enclosed your kind note in one of his own, after first reading it
himself, if you ever heard of such a man. I had to laugh all alone while
reading it, which was not a little provoking. We are having very nice
times here indeed. Breakfast at eight, dinner at half-past twelve, and
tea at half-past six, giving us an afternoon of unprecedented length
for such lounging, strawberrying or egg-hunting as happens to be on
the carpet. The air is perfectly loaded with the fragrance of clover
blossoms and fresh hay. I never saw such clover in my life; roses are
nothing in comparison. I only want an old nag and a wagon, so as to
drive a load of children about these lovely regions, and that I hope
every moment to attain. To be sure, it would be amazingly convenient
if I had a table, and didn't have to sit on the floor to write upon
a trunk; but then one can't have everything, and I am almost too
comfortable with what I have. A. is busy reading Southey to her
"children"; baby is off searching for eggs, and her felicity reached its
height when she found an ambitious hen had laid two in her carriage,
which little thought what it was coming to the country for. I think the
dear child already looks better; she lives in the open air and enjoys
everything.
Mrs. Buck lives about half a mile below us, and we run back and forth
many times a day. I have already caught the country fashion of rushing
to the windows the moment a wheel or an opening gate is heard. I fancy
everybody is bringing me a letter or else want to send one to the
office, and the only way to do that is to scream at passers-by and
ask them if they are going that way. If you hear that I am often seen
driving a flock of geese down the road, or climbing stone walls, or
creeping through bar fences, you needn't believe a word of it, for I am
a pattern of propriety, and pride myself on my dignity. I hope, now
you have begun so charmingly, that you will write again. You know what
letters are in the country.
_To her Husband, Westport, June 27._
I wonder where you are this lovely morning? Having a nice time
somewhere, I do hope, for it is too fine a day to be lost. If you want
to know where I am, why I'm sitting at the window writing on a trunk
that I have just lifted into a chair, in order to make a table. For
table there, is none in this room, and how am I to write a book without
one? If ever I get down to the village, I hope to buy, beg, borrow or
steal one, and until that time am putting off beginning my new
Little Susy. [7] That note from Miss Warner, by the by, spoke so
enthusiastically of the Six Teachers that I felt compensated for the
mortification of hearing -------- call it a "nice" book. You will be
sorry to hear that I have no prospect of getting a horse. I am quite
disappointed, as besides the pleasure of driving our children, I hoped
to give Mrs. Buck and the boys a share in it. Only to think of her
bringing up from the city a beefsteak for baby, and proposing that the
doctor should send a small piece for her every day! Thank you, darling,
for your proposal about the Ocean House. I trust no such change will be
needful. We are all comfortable now, the weather is delicious, and there
are so many pretty walks about here, that I am only afraid I shall be
too well off. Everything about the country is charming to me, and I
never get tired of it. The first few days nurse seemed a good deal out
of sorts; but I must expect some such little vexations; of course, I can
not have perfection, and for dear baby's sake I shall try to exercise
all the prudence and forbearance I can.
_Sunday._--We went to church this morning and heard a most instructive
and, I thought, superior sermon from Mr. Burr of Weston, on progress in
religious knowledge. He used the very illustration about the cavern and
the point of light that you did.
_July 7th._--We all drove to the beach on Saturday. It was just the very
day for such a trip, and baby was enchanted. She sat right down and
began to gather stones and shells, as if she had the week before her. We
were gone three hours and came home by way of the village, quite in
the mood for supper. Yesterday we had a pleasant service; Mr. Atkinson
appears to be a truly devout, heavenly man to whom I felt my heart knit
at the outset on this account, I am taking great delight in reading the
Memoir of Miss Allibone. [8] How I wish I had a friend of so heavenly a
temper! I fear my new Little Susy will come out at the little end of the
horn. I am sure it won't be so good as the others. It is more than one
quarter done.
_July 21st._--What do you think I did this forenoon? Why, I finished
Little Susy and shall lay it aside for some days, when I shall read it
over, correct, and pack it off out of the way. Yes, I wish you would
bring my German Hymn Book. I am so glad you liked the hymns I had
marked! [9] And do get well so as not to have to leave off preaching the
Gospel. My heart dies within me whenever I think of your leaving the
ministry. Every day I live, it appears to me that the office of a
Christian pastor and teacher is the best in the world. I shall not be
able to write you a word to-morrow, as we are to go to Greenfield Hill
to Miss Murray's, and you must take to-morrow's love to-night--if you
think you can stand so much at once. God be with you and bless you.
_July 30th._--Baby and I have just been having a great frolic. She was
so pleased with your message that she caught up your letter and kissed
it, which I think very remarkable in a child who, I am sure, never saw
such a thing done. A. seems well and happy, and is as good as I think we
ought to expect. I see more and more every day, that if there ever _was_
such a thing as human perfection, it was as long ago as David's time
when, as he says, he saw the "end" of it. How very kind the W.'s have
been!
_August 3d._--I got hold of Dr. Boardman's "Bible in the Family," at the
Bucks yesterday, and brought it home to read. I like it very much. There
is a vein of humor running through it which, subdued as it is, must have
awakened a good many smiles. He quotes some lines of Coleridge, which I
wonder I did not have as a motto for Susy's Teachers:
Love, Hope and Patience, these must be thy graces,
And in thine own heart let them first _keep school_.
_To Miss Mary B. Shipman, Westport, August 11._
Dr. Buck, who has seen her twice since we came here, thinks baby
wonderfully improved, and says every day she lives increases her chance
of life. I have been exceedingly encouraged by all he has said, and feel
a great load off my heart. Last Friday, on fifteen minutes' notice, I
packed up and went _home_, taking nurse and biddies, of course. I was so
restless and so perfectly _possessed_ to go to meet George, that I could
not help it. We went in the six o'clock train, as it was after five when
I was "taken" with the fit that started me off; got home in a soft rain,
and to our great surprise and delight found G. there, he having got
homesick at Saratoga, and just rushed to New York on his way here. We
had a great rejoicing together, you may depend, and I had a charming
visit of nearly three days. We got back on Monday night, rather tired,
but none of us at all the worse for the expedition. Mr. P. sits here
reading the Tribune, and A. is reading "Fremont's Life." She is as brown
as an Indian and about as wild.
A few passages from her journal will also throw light upon this period:
_June 30th._--I am finding this solitude and leisure very sweet and
precious; God grant it may bear the rich and abundant fruit it ought to
do! Communion with Him is such a blessing, here at home in my own room,
and out in the silent woods and on the wayside. Saturday, especially,
I had a long walk full of blissful thoughts of Him whom I do believe I
love--oh, that I loved Him better!--and in the evening Mrs. Buck came
and we had some very sweet beginnings of what will, I trust, ripen into
most profitable Christian communion. My heart delights in the society of
those who love Him. Yesterday I had a more near access to God in prayer
than usual, so that during the whole service at church I could hardly
repress tears of joy and gratitude.
_July 7th._--I do trust God's blessed, blessed Spirit is dealing
faithfully with my soul--searching and sifting it, revealing it somewhat
to itself and preparing it for the indwelling of Christ. This I do
heartily desire. Oh, God! search me and know me, and show me my own
guilty, poor, meagre soul, that I may turn from it, humbled and ashamed
and penitent, to my blessed Saviour. How very, very thankful I feel for
this seclusion and leisure; this quiet room where I can seek my God and
pray and praise, unseen by any human eye--and which sometimes seems like
the very gate of heaven.
_July 23d._--This is my dear little baby's birthday. I was not able to
sleep last night at all, but at last got up and prayed specially for
her. God has spared her two years; I can hardly believe it! Precious
years of discipline they have been, for which I do thank Him. I have
prayed much for her to-day, and with some faith, that if her life is
spared it will be for His glory. How far rather would I let her go this
moment, than grow up without loving Him! Precious little creature!
_27th._--This has been one of the most oppressive days I ever knew. I
went to church, however, and enjoyed all the services unusually. As we
rode along and I saw the grain ripe for the harvest, I said to myself,
"God gathers in _His_ harvest as soon as it is ripe, and if I devote
myself to Him and pray much and turn entirely from the world I shall
ripen, and so the sooner get where I am _all the time_ yearning and
longing to go!" I fear this was a merely selfish thought, but I do not
know. This world seems less and less homelike every day I live. The more
I pray and meditate on heaven and my Saviour and saints who have crossed
the flood, the stronger grows my desire to be bidden to depart hence and
go up to that sinless, blessed abode. Not that I forget my comforts, my
mercies here; they are _manifold_; I know they are. But Christ appears
so precious; sin so dreadful! so dreadful! To-day I gave way to pride
and irritation, and my agony on account of it outweighs weeks of merely
earthly felicity. The idea of a Christian as he should be, and the
reality of most Christians--particularly myself--why, it almost makes
me shudder; my only comfort is, in heaven, I _can_ not sin! In heaven I
shall see Christ, and see Him as He is, and praise and honor Him as I
never do and never shall do here. And yet I know my dear little ones
need me, poor and imperfect a mother as I am; and I pray every hour to
be made willing to wait for their sakes. For at the longest it will not
be long. Oh, I do believe it is the _sin_ I dread and not the suffering
of life--but I know not; I may be deluded. My love to my Master seems to
me very shallow and contemptible. I am astonished that I love anything
else. Oh, that He would this moment come down into this room and tell me
I never, never, shall grieve Him again!
Some verses entitled "Alone with God," belong here:
Into my closet fleeing, as the dove
Doth homeward flee,
I haste away to ponder o'er Thy love
Alone with Thee!
In the dim wood, by human ear unheard,
Joyous and free,
Lord! I adore Thee, feasting on Thy word,
Alone with Thee!
Amid the busy city, thronged and gay,
But One I see,
Tasting sweet peace, as unobserved I pray
Alone with Thee!
Oh, sweetest life! Life hid with Christ in God!
So making me
At home, and by the wayside, and abroad,
Alone with Thee!
WESTPORT, _August 22, 1856._
* * * * *
V.
Ready for new Trials. Dangerous Illness. Extracts from her Journal.
Visit to Greenwood. Sabbath Meditations. Birth of another Son. Her
Husband resigns his pastoral Charge. Voyage to Europe.
The summer at Westport was so beneficial to the baby and so full both of
bodily and spiritual refreshment to herself, that on returning to town,
she resumed her home tasks with unwonted ease and comfort. The next
entry in her journal alludes to this:
_November 27th_.--Two months, and not a word in my journal! I have done
far more with my needle and my feet than with my pen. One comes home
from the country to a good many cares, and they are worldly cares, too,
about eating and about wearing. I hope the worst of mine are over now
and that I shall have more leisure. But no, I forget that now comes the
dreaded, dreaded experience of weaning baby. But what then? I have had
a good rest this fall. Have slept unusually well; why, only think, some
nights not waking once--and some nights only a few times; and then we
have had no sickness; baby better--all better. Now I ought to be willing
to have the trials I need so much, seeing I have had such a rest. And
heaven! heaven! let me rest on that precious word. Heaven is at the end
and God is there.
Early in March, 1857, she was taken very ill and continued so until May.
For some weeks her recovery seemed hardly possible. She felt assured
her hour had come and was eager to go. All the yearnings of her heart,
during many years, seemed on the point of being gratified. The next
entry in her journal refers to this illness:
_Sunday, May 24th, 1857._--Just reading over the last record how ashamed
I felt of my faithlessness! To see dear baby so improved by the very
change I dreaded, and to hear her pretty, cheerful prattle, and to
find in her such a source of joy and comfort--what undeserved, what
unlooked-for mercies! But like a physician who changes his remedies as
he sees occasion, and who forbears using all his severe ones at once, my
Father first relieved me from my wearing care and pain about this dear
child, and then put me under new discipline. It is now nearly six months
since I have been in usual health, and eight weeks of great prostration
and suffering have been teaching me many needed lessons. Now, contrary
to my hopes and expectations, I find myself almost well again. At first,
having got my heart _set_ toward heaven and after fancying myself almost
there, I felt disappointed to find its gates still shut against me. [10]
But God was very good to me and taught me to yield in this point to His
wiser and better will; He made me, as far as I know, as peaceful in
the prospect of living as joyful in the prospect of dying. Heaven
did, indeed, look very attractive when I thought myself so near it;
I pictured myself as no longer a sinner but a blood-washed saint; I
thought I shall soon see Him whom my soul loveth, and see Him as He is;
I shall never wound, never grieve Him again, and all my companions will
be they who worship Him and adore Him. But not yet am I there! Alas, not
yet a saint! My soul is oppressed, now that health is returning, to find
old habits of sin returning too, and this monster Self usurping God's
place, as of old, and pride and love of ease and all the infirmities of
the flesh thick upon me. After being encompassed with mercies for two
months, having every comfort this world could offer for my alleviation,
I wonder at myself that I can be anything but a meek, docile child,
profiting by the Master's discipline, sensible of the tenderness that
went hand-in-hand with every stroke, and walking softly before God and
man! But I am indeed a wayward child and in need of many more stripes.
May I be made willing and thankful to bear them.
Indeed, I do thank my dear Master that He does not let me alone, and
that He has let me suffer so much; it has been a rich experience, this
long illness, and I do trust He will so sanctify it that I shall have
cause to rejoice over it all the rest of my life. Now may I return
patiently to all the duties that lie in my sphere. May I not forget how
momentous a thing death appeared when seen face to face, but be ever
making ready for its approach. And may the glory of God be, as it never
yet has been, my chief end. My love to Him seems to me so very feeble
and fluctuating. Satan and self keep up a continual struggle to get the
victory. But God is stronger than either. He must and will prevail, and
at last, and in a time far better than any I can suggest, He will open
those closed gates and let me enter in to go no more out, and then "I
shall never, never sin."
As might be inferred from this record, she was at this time in the
sweetest mood, full of tenderness and love. The time of the singing of
birds had now come, and all nature was clothed with that wondrous beauty
and verdure which mark the transition from spring to summer. The drives,
which she was now able to take into the country, on either side of the
river, gave her the utmost delight. On the 30th of May--the day that has
since become consecrated to the memory of the Nation's heroic dead--she
went, with her husband and eldest daughter, to visit and place flowers
upon the graves of Eddy and Bessie. Never is Greenwood more lovely and
impressive than at the moment when May is just passing into June. It is
as if Nature were in a transfiguration and the glory of the Lord shone
upon the graves of our beloved! Mrs. Prentiss made no record of this
visit, but on the following day thus wrote in her journal:
_May 31st._--Another peaceful, pleasant Sunday, whose only drawback has
been the want of strength to get down on my knees and praise and pray to
my Saviour, as I long to do. For well as I am and astonishingly improved
in every way, a very few minutes' use of my voice, even in a whisper,
in prayer, exhausts me to such a degree that I am ready to faint. This
seems so strange when I can go on talking to any extent--but then it is
talking without emotion and in a desultory way. Ah well! God knows best
in what manner to let me live, and I desire to ask for nothing but a
docile, acquiescent temper, whose only petition shall be, "What wilt
Thou have me to do?" not how can I get most enjoyment along the way. I
can not believe if I am His child, that He will let anything hinder my
progress in the divine life. It seems dreadful that I have gone on so
slowly, and backward so many times--but then I have been thinking this
is "to humble and to prove me, and to do me good in the latter end." ...
I thank my God and Saviour for every faint desire He gives me to see
Him as He is, and to be changed into His image, and for every struggle
against sin He enables me to make. It is all of Him. I do wish I loved
Him better! I do wish He were never out of my thoughts and that the
aim to do His will swallowed up all other desires and strivings. Satan
whispers that will never be. But it shall be! One day--oh, longed-for,
blessed, blissful day!--Christ will become my All in all! Yes, even
mine!
This is the last entry in her journal for more than a year; her letters,
too, during the same period are very few. In August of 1857, she was
made glad by the birth of another son, her fifth child. Her own health
was now much better than it had been for a long time; but that of her
husband had become so enfeebled that in April, 1858, he resigned his
pastoral charge and by the advice of his physician determined to go
abroad, with his family, for a couple years; the munificent kindness of
his people having furnished him with the means of doing so. The tender
sympathy and support which she gave him in this hour of extreme weakness
and trial, more than everything else, after the blessing of Heaven,
upheld his fainting spirits and helped to restore him at length to his
chosen work. They set sail for the old world in the steamship Arago,
Capt. Lines, June 26th, amidst a cloud of friendly wishes and
benedictions.
[1] The friend was Mr. Wm. G. Bull, who had a summer cottage at
Rockaway. He was a leading member of the Mercer street church and one
of the best of men. The poor and unfortunate blessed him all the
year round. To Mrs. Prentiss and her husband he was indefatigable in
kindness. He died at an advanced age in 1859.
[2] Godman's "American Natural History."
[3] Mrs. Norman White, mother of the Rev. Erskine N. White, D.D., of New
York.
[4] Her cousin, whose sudden death occurred under the same roof in
October of the next year.
[5] "We were all weighed soon after coming here," she wrote, "and my
ladyship weighed 96, which makes me out by far the leanest of the ladies
here. When thirteen years old I weighed but 50 pounds."
[6] Referring to "Little Susy's Six Birthdays."
[7] _Little Susy's Little Servants._
[8] A Life bid with Christ in God, being a memoir of Susan Allibone. By
Alfred Lee, Bishop of the Protestant Episcopal Church in Delaware.
[9] See appendix C, p. 539.
[10] Many years afterward, speaking to a friend of this illness, she
related the following incident. One day she lay, as was supposed,
entirely unconscious and _in articulo mortis_. Repeated but vain
attempts had been made to administer a medicine ordered by the doctor to
be used in case of extremity. Her husband urged one more attempt still;
it might possibly succeed. She heard distinctly every word that was
spoken and instantly reasoned within herself, whether she should consent
or refuse to swallow the medicine. Fancying herself just entering the
eternal city, she longed to refuse but decided it would be wrong and so
consented to come back again to earth.