THE NEW LIFE IN CHRIST.
1840-1841.
I.
A Memorable Experience. Letters to her Cousin. Goes to Richmond as a
Teacher. Mr. Persico's School. Letters.
Miss Payson was now in her twenty-first year, a period which she always
looked back to as a turning-point in her spiritual history. The domestic
influences that encompassed her childhood, her early associations, and
the books of devotion which she read, all conspired to imbue her with an
earnest sense of divine things, and while yet a young girl, as we
have seen, she publicly devoted herself to the service of her God and
Saviour. For several years her piety, if marked by no special features,
was still regarded by her young friends, and by all who knew her, as of
a decided character. But during the general religious interest in the
winter of 1837-8, even while absorbed in solicitude for others, she
began herself to question its reality. "For some months I had no hope
that I was a Christian, and _pride_ made me go on just as if I felt
myself perfectly safe. Nothing could at that time have made me willing
to have any eye a witness to my daily struggles." And yet she "often
longed for the sympathy and assistance of Christian friends," and to her
unwillingness to confide in them she afterwards attributed much of the
suffering that followed. "I do not know exactly how I passed out of that
season, but my school commenced in April, and I became so interested in
it that I had less time to think of and to watch myself. The next winter
most of my scholars were deeply impressed by divine things, and, of
course, I could not look on without having my own heart touched. It was
my privilege to spend many delightful weeks in watching the progress
of minds earnestly seeking the way of life and early consecrating
themselves to their Saviour." [1] But after a while a severe reaction
set in and in the course of the summer she became careless in her
religious habits, shrank from the Lord's table as a "place of absolute
torture," and while spending a fortnight in Boston in the fall, entirely
omitted all exercises of private devotion.
She had now reached a crisis which was to decide her course for life.
During the winter of 1839-40, she passed through very deep and harrowing
exercises of soul. Her spiritual nature was shaken to its foundation,
and she could say with the Psalmist, _Out of the depths have I cried
unto Thee, O Lord._ For several months she was in a state similar
to that which the old divines depict so vividly as being "under
conviction." Her sense of sin, and of her own unworthiness in the
sight of God, grew more and more intense and oppressive. At times she
abandoned all hope, accused herself of having played the hypocrite, and
fancied she was given over to hardness of heart. At length she sought
counsel of her pastor and confided to him her trouble, but he "did not
know exactly what to do with me." In the midst of her distress, and as
its effect, no doubt, she was taken ill and confined to her room, where
in solitude she passed several weeks seeking rest and finding none.
"Sometimes I tried to pray, but this only increased my distress and
made me cry out for annihilation to free me from the agony which seemed
insupportable." With a single interval of comparative indifference, this
state of mind continued for nearly four months. She thus describes it:
It was in vain that I sought the Lord in any of the lofty pathways
through which my heart wished to go. At last I found it impossible to
carry on the struggle any longer alone. I would gladly have put myself
at the feet of a little child, if by so doing I could have found peace.
I felt so guilty and the character of God appeared so perfect in its
purity and holiness, that I knew not which way to turn. The sin which
distressed me most of all was the rejection of the Saviour. This haunted
me constantly and made me fly first to one thing and then another, in
the hope of finding somewhere the peace which I would not accept from
Him. It was at this time that I kept reading over the first twelve
chapters of Doddridge's "Rise and Progress,"--the rest of the book I
abhorred. So great was my agony that I can only wonder at the goodness
of Him who held my life in His hands, and would not permit me in the
height of my despair to throw myself away.
It was in this height of despair that thoughts of the infinite grace
and love of Christ, which she says she had hitherto repelled, began to
irradiate her soul. A sermon on His ability to save "unto the uttermost"
deeply affected her. [2] "While listening to it my weary spirit _rested_
itself, and I thought, 'surely it can not be wrong to think of the
Saviour, although He is not mine.' With this conclusion I gave myself up
to admire, to love and to praise Him, to wonder why I had never done
so before, and to hope that all the great congregation around me were
joining with me in acknowledging Him to be chief among ten thousand and
the One altogether lovely." On going home she could at first scarcely
believe in her own identity, the feeling of peace and love to God and
to all the world was so unlike the turbulent emotions that had long
agitated her soul. "From this time my mind went slowly onward, examining
the way step by step, trembling and afraid, yet filled with a calm
contentment which made all the dealings of God with me appear just
right. I know myself to be perfectly helpless. I can not promise to do
or to be anything; but I do want to put everything else aside, and to
devote myself entirely to the service of Christ."
Her account of this memorable experience is dated August 28, 1840.
"While writing it," she adds, "I have often laid aside my pen, to sit
and think over in silent wonder the way in which the Lord has led me."
How in later years she regarded certain features of this experience, is
not fully known. The record passed at once out of her hands, and until
after her death was never seen by anyone, excepting the friend for whose
eye it was written. Many of its details had, probably, faded entirely
from her memory. It can not be doubted, however, that she would have
judged her previous state much less severely, would hardly have charged
it with hypocrisy, or denied that the Saviour had been graciously
leading her, and that she had some real love to Him, before as well as
after this crisis. So much may be inferred from the record itself and
from the narrative in the preceding chapter. Her tender interest in the
spiritual welfare of her friends and pupils, the high tone of religious
sentiment that marks her early writings, the books she delighted in, her
filial devotion, the absolute sincerity of her character, all forbid
any other conclusion. [3] The indications, too, are very plain that her
morbidly-sensitive, melancholy temperament had much to do with this
experience. Her account of it shows, also, that her mind was unhappily
affected by certain false notions of the Christian life and ordinances
then, and still, more or less prevalent--notions based upon a too narrow
and legal conception of the Gospel. Hence, her shrinking from the Lord's
table as a place of "torture," instead of regarding it in its true
character, as instituted on purpose to feed hungry souls, like her own,
with bread from heaven. But for all that, the experience was a blessed
reality and, as these pages will attest, wrought a lasting change in her
religious life. No doubt the Spirit of God was leading her through all
its dark and terrible mazes. It virtually ended a conflict which the
intensely proud elements of her nature rendered inevitable, if she was
to become a true heroine of faith--the conflict between her Master's
will and her own. Her Master conquered, and henceforth to her dying hour
His will was the sovereign law of her existence, and its sweetest joy
also.
The following extracts from letters to her cousin, George E. Shipman,
of New York, now widely known as the founder of a Foundling Home at
Chicago, will throw additional light upon her state of mind at this
period. Mr. Shipman was the friend to whom the account of her experience
already mentioned was addressed. He had just spent several weeks in
Portland, and to his Christian sympathy, kindness, and counsels while
there and during the two following years, she felt herself very deeply
indebted. [4]
PORTLAND, _August 22, 1840._
I am always wondering if any body in the world is the better off for my
being in it. And so if I was of any comfort to you, I am very glad of
it. I do want, I confess, the privilege of offering you sometimes the
wine and oil of consolation, and if I do it in such a way as to cause
pain with my unskilful hand, why, you must forgive me.... Mr. ----
talked to me as if he imagined me a blue-stocking. Just because my
sister wears spectacles, folks take it for granted that I also am
literary.
_Aug. 25th._--You ask if I find it easy to engage in religious
meditation, referring in particular to that on our final rest. This is
another of my trials. I can not meditate upon anything, except indeed it
be something quite the opposite of what I wish to occupy my mind. You
know that some Christians are able in their solitary walks and rides
to hold, all the time, communion with God. I can very seldom do this.
Yesterday I was obliged to take a long walk alone, and it was made very
delightful in this way; so that I quite forgot that I was alone.... I am
beginning to feel, that I have enough to do without looking out for a
great, wide place in which to work, and to appreciate the simple lines:
"The trivial round, the common task,
Would furnish all we ought to ask;
Room to deny ourselves; a road
To bring us daily nearer God."
Those words "daily nearer God" have an inexpressible charm for me. I
long for such nearness to Him that all other objects shall fade into
comparative insignificance,--so that to have a thought, a wish, a
pleasure apart from Him shall be impossible.
_Sept. 12th._--At Sabbath-school this morning, while talking with my
scholars about the Lord Jesus, my heart, which is often so cold and so
stupid, seemed completely melted within me, with such a view of His
wonderful, wonderful love for sinners, that I almost believed I had
never felt it till then. Such a blessing is worth toiling and wrestling
for a whole life. If a glimpse of our Saviour here upon earth can be so
refreshing, so delightful, what will it be in heaven!
_Sept. 17th._--I have been reading to-day some passages from Nevins'
"Practical Thoughts." [5] Perhaps you have seen them; if so, do you
remember two articles headed, "I must pray more," and "I must pray
differently"? They interested me much because in some measure they
express my own feelings. I have less and less confidence in _frames_, as
they are called. I am glad that you think it better to have a few books
and to read them over and over, for my own inclination leads me to that.
One gets attached to them as to Christian friends. Do not hesitate to
direct me over and over again, to go with difficulties and temptations
and sin to the Saviour. I love to be led there and _left_ there.
Sometimes when the exceeding "sinfulness of sin" becomes painfully
apparent, there is nothing else for the soul to do but to lie in the
dust before God, without a word of excuse, and that feeling of abasement
in His sight is worth more than all the pleasures in the world.... You
will believe me if I own myself tired, when I tell you that I made
fourteen calls this afternoon. But even the unpleasant business of
call-making has had one comfort. Some of the friends of whom I took
leave, spoke so tenderly of Him whose name is so precious to His
children that my heart warmed towards them instantly, and I thought it
worth while to have parting hours, sad though they may be, if with them
came so naturally thoughts of the Saviour. Besides, I have been thinking
since I came home, that if I did not love Him, it could not be so
refreshing to hear unexpectedly of Him.... I did not know that mother
had anything to do with your father's conversion, and when I mentioned
it to her she seemed much surprised and said she did not know it
herself. Pray tell me more of it, will you? I have felt that if, in the
course of my life, I should be the means of leading one soul to the
Saviour, it would be worth staying in this world for no matter how many
years.
Did you ever read Miss Taylor's "Display"? Sister says the character of
Emily there is like mine. I think so myself save in the best point.
We come now to an important change in her outward life. She had accepted
an invitation to become a teacher in Mr. Persico's school at Richmond,
Virginia. Mr. Persico was an Italian, a brother of the sculptor of that
name, a number of whose works are seen at Washington. He early became
interested in our institutions, and as soon as he was able, came to this
country and settled in Philadelphia as an artist. He married a lady of
that city, and afterward on account of her health went to Richmond,
where he opened a boarding and day school for girls. There were four
separate departments, one of which was under the sole care of Miss
Payson. Her letters to her family, written at this time, have all been
lost, but a full record of the larger portion of her Richmond life is
preserved in letters to her cousin, Mr. Shipman. The following extracts
from these letters show with what zeal she devoted herself to her new
calling and how absorbed her heart was still in the things of God. They
also throw light upon some marked features of her character.
BOSTON, _September 23._
I had, after leaving home, an attack of that terrible pain, of which I
have told you, and believed myself very near death. It became a serious
question whether, if God should so please, I could feel willing to die
there alone, for I was among entire strangers. I never enjoyed more of
His presence than that night when, sick and sad and full of pain, I felt
it sweet to put myself in His hands to be disposed of in His own way.
The attack referred to in this letter resembled _angina pectoris_, a
disease to which for many years she was led to consider herself liable.
Whatever it may have been, its effect was excruciating. "Mother was
telling me the other day," she wrote to a friend, "that in her long life
she had never seen an individual suffer more severe bodily pain than she
had often tried to relieve in me. I remember scores of such hours of
real agony." In the present instance the attack was doubtless brought
on, in part at least, by mental agitation. "No words," she wrote a few
months later, "can describe the anguish of my mind the night I left
home; it seemed to me that all the agony I had ever passed through was
condensed into a small space, and I certainly believe that I should die,
if left to a higher degree of such pain."
RICHMOND, _September 30, 1840._
About twelve o'clock, when it was as dark as pitch, we were all ordered
to prepare for a short walk. In single file then out we went. It seems
that a bridge had been burned lately, and so we were all to go round on
foot to another train of cars. There were dozens of bright, crackling
bonfires lighted at short intervals all along, and as we wound down
narrow, steep and rocky pathways, then up steps which had been rudely
cut out in the side of the elevated ground, and as far as we could see
before us could watch the long line of moving figures in all varieties
of form and color, my spirits rose to the very tiptop of enjoyment. I
wished you could have a picture of the whole scene, which, though one of
real life, was to me at least exceedingly beautiful. We reached
Richmond at one o'clock. Mr. Persico was waiting for us and received
us cordially.... When I awoke at eight o'clock, I felt forlorn enough.
Imagine, if you can, the room in which I opened my eyes. It is in the
attic, is very low and has two windows. My first thought was, "I never
can be happy in this miserable hole;" but in a second this wicked
feeling took flight, and I reproached myself for my ingratitude to Him
who had preserved me through all my journey, had made much of it so
delightful and profitable, and who still promised to be with me.
_Oct. 2._--I will try to give you some account of our doings, although
we are not fully settled. We have risen at six so far, but intend to be
up by five if we can wake. As soon as we are dressed I take my Bible out
into the entry, where is a window and a quiet corner, and read and think
until Louisa [6] is ready to give me our room and take my place. At nine
we go into school, where Miss Lord [7] reads a prayer, and from that
hour until twelve we are engaged with our respective classes. At twelve
we have a recess of thirty minutes. This over, we return again to
school, where we stay until three, when we are to dine. All day Saturday
we are free. This time we are to have Monday, too, as a special
holiday, because of a great Whig convention which is turning the city
upside-down. There is one pleasant thing, pleasant to me at least, of
which I want to tell you. As Mr. Persico is not a religious man, I
supposed we should have no blessing at the table, and was afraid I
should get into the habit of failing to acknowledge God there. But I
was much affected when, on going to dine the first day I came, he stood
leaning silently and reverentially over his chair, as if to allow all of
us time for that quiet lifting up of the heart which is ever acceptable
in the sight of God. It is very impressive. Miss Lord reads prayers at
night, and when Mrs. Persico comes home we are to have singing....
That passage in the 119th Psalm, of which you speak, is indeed
delightful. I will tell you what were some of my meditations on it. I
thought to myself that if God continued His faithfulness toward me, I
shall have afflictions such as I now know nothing more of than the name,
for I need them constantly. I have trembled ever since I came here at
the host of new difficulties to which I am exposed. Surely I did again
and again ask God to decide the question for me as to whether I should
leave home or not, and believed that He _had_ chosen for me. It
certainly was against my own inclinations....
_Oct. 12th._--This morning I had a new scholar, a pale, thin little girl
who stammers, and when I spoke to her, and she was obliged to answer,
the color spread over her face and neck as if she suffered the utmost
mortification. I was glad when recess came, to draw her close to my side
and to tell her that I had a friend afflicted in the same way, and that
consequently, I should know how to understand and pity her. She held my
hand fast in hers and the tears came stealing down one after another,
as she leaned confidingly upon my shoulder, and I could not help crying
too, with mingled feelings of gratitude and sorrow. Certainly it will be
delightful to soothe and to console this poor little thing.... You do
not like poetry and I have spent the best part of my life in reading
or trying to write it. N. P. Willis told me some years ago, that if my
husband had a soul, he would love me for the poetical in me, and advised
me to save it for him.
_Oct. 27th._--Sometimes when I feel almost sure that the Saviour has
accepted and forgiven me and that I _belong to Him_, I can only walk my
room repeating over and over again, _How wonderful_! And then when my
mind strives to take in this love of Christ, it seems to struggle in
vain with its own littleness and falls back weary and exhausted,
to _wonder_ again at the heights and depths which surpass its
comprehension.... If there is a spark of love in my heart for anybody,
it is for this dear brother of mine, and the desire to have his
education thorough and complete has grown with my growth. You, who are
not a sister, can not understand the feelings with which I regard him,
but they are such as to call forth unbounded love and gratitude toward
those who show kindness to him.
_Nov. 3d._--I have always felt a peculiar love for the passage that
describes the walk to Emmaus. I have tried to analyse the feeling of
pleasure which it invariably sheds over my heart when dwelling upon it,
especially upon the words, "Jesus Himself drew near and went with them,"
and these, "He made as though He would go further," but yielded to
their urgent, "Abide with us." ... This is one of the comforts of the
Christian; God understands him fully whether he can explain his troubles
or not. Sometimes I think all of a sudden that I do not love the Saviour
at all, and am ready to believe that all my pretended anxiety to serve
Him has been but a matter of feeling and not of principle; but of late
I have been less disturbed by this imagination, as I find it extends
to earthly friends who are dear to me as my own soul. I thought once
yesterday that I didn't love anybody in the world and was perfectly
wretched in consequence.
_Nov. 12th._--The more I try to understand myself, the more I am
puzzled. That I am a mixture of contradictions is the opinion I have
long had of myself. I call it a compound of sincerity and reserve.
Unless you see just what I mean in your own consciousness, I doubt
whether I can explain it in words. With me it is both an open and a shut
heart--open when and where and as far as I please, and shut as tight as
a vise in the same way. I was probably born with this same mixture of
frankness and reserve, having inherited the one from my mother and the
other from my father.... I have often thought that, humanly speaking, it
would be a strange, and surely a very sad thing if we none of us inherit
any of our father's piety; for when he prayed for his children it was,
undoubtedly, that we might be very peculiarly the Lord's. H. was to
be the missionary; but if he can not go himself, and is prospered in
business, I hope he will be able to help send others. I have been
frightened, of late, in thinking how little good I am doing in the
world. And yet I believe that those who love to do good always find
opportunities enough, wherever they are. Whether I shall do any here, I
dare not try to guess.
_Dec. 3d._--How I thank you for the interest you take in my Bible class.
They are so attentive to every word I say that it makes me deeply feel
the importance of seeking each of those words from the Holy Spirit. Many
of them had not even a Bible of their own until now, nor were they
in the habit of reading it at all. Among others there are two
grand-daughters of Patrick Henry. I wish I could give you a picture of
them, as they sit on Sabbath evening around the table with their eyes
fixed so eagerly on my face, that if I did not feel that the Lord
Jesus was present, I should be overwhelmed with confusion at my
unworthiness.... Mr. Persico is a queer man. Last Sabbath Miss L. asked
him if he had been to church. "Oui, Mlle.," said he; "_vous_ étiez à
l'église de l'homme--_moi_, j'étais à l'église de Dieu--dans les bois."
There is the bell for prayers; it is an hour since I began to write, but
I have spent a great part of it with my eyes shut because I happened
to feel more like meditating than writing, if you know what sort of
a feeling that is. Oh, that we might be enabled to go onward day by
day--and _upward too_.
I have been making violent efforts for years to become meek and lowly in
heart. At present I do hope that I am less irritable than I used to be.
It was no small comfort to me when sister was home last summer, to learn
from her that I had succeeded somewhat in my efforts. But though I have
not often the last year been guilty of "harsh speeches," I have felt
my pride tugging with all its might to kindle a great fire when some
unexpected trial has caught me off my guard. I am persuaded that real
meekness dwells deep within the heart and that it is only to be gained
by communion with our blessed Saviour, who when He was reviled, reviled
not again.
_Sabbath Evening, 8th._--I wanted to write last evening but had a worse
pain in my side and left arm than I have had since I came here. While it
lasted, which was an hour and a half, I had such pleasant thoughts for
companions as would make any pain endurable. I was asking myself if,
supposing God should please suddenly to take me away in the midst of
life, whether I should feel willing and glad to go, and oh, it did seem
_delightful_ to think of it, and to feel sure that, sooner or later, the
summons will come. Those pieces which you marked in the "Observer" I
have read and like them exceedingly, especially those about growth in
grace.... You speak of the goodness of God to me in granting me so much
of His presence, while I am here away from all earthly friends. Indeed I
want to be able to praise Him as I never yet have done, and I don't know
where to begin. I have felt more pain in this separation from home on
mother's account than any other, as I feel that she needs me at home to
comfort and to love her. Since she lost her best earthly friend I have
been her constant companion. I once had a secret desire for a missionary
life, if God should see fit to prepare me for it, but when I spoke of
it to mother she was so utterly overcome at its bare mention that I
instantly promised I would _never_ for any inducement leave or forsake
her. I want you to pray for me that if poor mother's right hand is made
forever useless, [8] I may after this year be a right hand for her, and
be enabled to make up somewhat to her for the loss of it by affection
and tenderness and sympathy.... I don't remember feeling any way in
particular, when I first began to "write for the press," as you call it.
I never could realise that more than half a dozen people would read my
pieces. Besides, I have no desire of the sort you express, for fame.
I care a great deal too much for the approbation of those I love and
respect, but not a fig for that of those I don't like or don't know.
* * * * *
II.
Her Character as a Teacher. Letters. Incidents of School-Life. Religious
Struggles, Aims, and Hopes. Oppressive Heat and Weariness.
Miss Payson had been in Richmond but a short time before she became
greatly endeared to Mr. and Mrs. Persico, and to the whole school. She
had a rare natural gift for teaching. Fond of study herself, she
knew how to inspire her pupils with the same feeling. Her method was
excellent. It aimed not merely to impart knowledge but to elicit latent
powers, and to remove difficulties out of the way. While decided and
thorough, it was also very gentle, helpful, and sympathetic. She had a
quick perception of mental diversities, saw as by intuition the weak and
the strong points of individual character, and was skillful in adapting
her influence, as well as her instructions, to the peculiarities of
every one under her care. The girls in her own special department almost
idolised her. The parents also of some of them, who belonged to Richmond
and its vicinity, seeing what she was doing for their daughters, sought
her acquaintance and showed her the most grateful affection.
Although her school labors were exacting, she carried on a large
correspondence, spent a good deal of time in her favorite religious
reading, and together with Miss Susan Lord, the senior teacher and an
old Portland friend, pursued a course of study in French and Italian. At
the table Mr. Persico spoke French, and in this way she was enabled
to perfect herself in the practice of that language. Of her spiritual
history and of incidents of her school life during the new year, some
extracts from letters to her cousin will give her own account.
RICHMOND, _January 3, 1841._
If I tell you that I am going to take under my especial care and
protection one of the family--a little girl of eleven years whom nobody
can manage at all, you may wonder why. I found on my plate at dinner a
note from Mrs. Persico saying that if I wanted an opportunity of doing
good, here was one; that if Nannie could sleep in my room, etc., it
might be of great benefit to her. The only reason why I hesitated was
the fear that she might be in the way of our best hours. But I have
thought all along that I was living too much at my ease, and wanted a
place in which to deny myself for the sake of the One who yielded up
every comfort for my sake. Nannie has a fine character but has been
mismanaged at home, and since coming here. She often comes and puts her
arms around me and says, "There is _one_ in this house who loves me, I
do _know_." I receive her as a trust from God, with earnest prayer to
Him that we may be enabled to be of use to her. From morning to night
she is found fault with, and this is spoiling her temper and teaching
her to be deceitful.... I have been reading lately the Memoir of Martyn.
I have, of course, read it more than once before, but everything appears
to me now in such a different light. I rejoice that I have been led to
read the book just now. It has put within me new and peculiar desires to
live wholly for the glory of God.
_Jan.13th._--I understand the feeling about wishing one's self a dog,
or an animal without a soul. I have sat and watched a little kitten
frisking about in the sunshine till I could hardly help killing it in my
envy--but oh, how different it is now! I have felt lately that perhaps
God has something for me to do in the world. I am satisfied, indeed,
that in calling me nearer to Himself He has intended to prepare me for
His service. Where that is to be is no concern of mine as yet. I only
wish to belong to Him and wait for His will, whatever it may be.
_Jan. 14th_.--I used to go through with prayer merely as a duty, but now
I look forward to the regular time for it, and hail opportunities for
special seasons with such delight as I once knew nothing of. Sometimes
my heart feels ready to break for the longing it hath for a nearer
approach to the Lord Jesus than I can obtain without the use of words,
and there is not a corner of the house which I can have to myself. I
think sometimes that I should be thankful for the meanest place in the
universe. You ask if I ever dream of seeing the Lord. No--I never did,
neither should I think it desirable; but a few days ago, when I woke,
I had fresh in my remembrance some precious words which, as I had been
dreaming, He had spoken to me. It left an indescribable feeling of love
and peace on my mind. I seemed in my dream to be very near Him, and that
He was encouraging me to ask of Him all the things of which I felt the
need.
_Jan. 17th_.--I did not mean to write so much about myself, for when I
took out my letter I was thinking of things and beings far above this
world. I was thinking of the hour when the Christian first enters into
the joy of his Lord, when the first note of the "new song" is borne to
his ear, and the first view of the Lamb of God is granted to his eye. It
seems to me as if the bliss of that one minute would fully compensate
for all the toils and struggles he must go through here; and then to
remember the ages of happiness that begin at that point! Oh, if the
unseen presence of Jesus can make the heart to sing for joy in the midst
of its sorrow and sin here, what will it be to dwell with Him forever!
My Bible class, which consists now of eighteen, is every week more
dear to me. I am glad that you think poor Nannie well off. She has
an inquiring mind, and though before coming here she had received no
religious instruction and had not even a Bible, she is now constantly
asking me questions which prove her to be a first-rate thinker and
reasoner. She went to the theatre last night and came home quite
disgusted, saying to herself, "I shouldn't like to die in the midst of
such gayeties as these." She urged me to tell her if I thought it wrong
for her to go, but I would not, because I did not want her to stay away
for my sake. I want her to settle the question fairly in her own mind
and to be guided by her own conscience rather than mine. She is so
grateful and happy that, if the sacrifice had been greater, we should be
glad that we had made it. And then if we can do her any good, how much
reason we shall have to thank God for having placed her here!
_Feb. 11th._--My thoughts of serious things should, perhaps, be called
prayers, rather than anything else. I have constant need of looking up
to God for help, so utterly weak and ignorant am I and so dependent upon
Him. Sometimes in my walks, especially those of the early morning, I
take a verse from the "Daily Food" to think upon; at others, if my mind
is where I want it should be, everything seems to speak and suggest
thoughts of my Heavenly Father, and when it is otherwise I feel as
if that time had been wasted. This is not "keeping the mind on the
stretch," and is delightfully refreshing. All I wish is that I were
always thus favored. As to a hasty temper, I know that anybody who ever
lived with me, until within the last two or three years, could tell
you of many instances of outbreaking passion. I am ashamed to say how
recently the last real tempest occurred, but I will not spare myself. It
was in the spring of 1838, and I did not eat anything for so long that I
was ill in bed and barely escaped a fever. Mother nursed me so tenderly
that, though she forgave me, I _never_ shall forgive myself. Since then
I should not wish you to suppose that I have been perfectly amiable, but
for the last year I think I have been enabled in a measure to control my
temper, but of that you know more than I do, as you had a fair specimen
of what I am when with us last summer. It has often been a source of
encouragement to me that everybody said I was gentle and amiable till
my father's death, when I was nine years old.... While reading to-night
that chapter in Mark, where it speaks of Jesus as walking on the sea,
I was interested in thinking how frequently such scenes occur in our
spiritual passage over the sea which is finally to land us on the shores
of the home for which we long. "While they were toiling in rowing,"
Jesus went to them upon the water and "would have passed by" till He
heard their cries, and then He manifested Himself unto them saying, _"It
is I."_ And when He came to them, the wind ceased and they "wondered."
Surely we have often found in our toiling that Jesus was passing by
and ready at the first trembling fear to speak the word of love and
of consolation and to give us the needed help, and then to leave
us _wondering_ indeed at the infinite tenderness and kindness so
unexpectedly vouchsafed for our relief.
_Feb. 13th_--I do not think we should make our enjoyment of religion the
greatest end of our struggle against sin. I never once had such an idea.
I think we should fight against sin simply because it is something
hateful to God, because it is something so utterly unlike the spirit of
Christ, whom it is our privilege to strive to imitate in all things. On
all points connected with the love I wish to give my Saviour, and the
service I am to render Him, I feel that I want teaching and am glad to
obtain assistance from any source. I hardly know how to answer your
question. I do not have that constant sense of the Saviour's presence
which I had here for a long time, neither do I feel that I love Him as
I thought I did, but it is not always best to judge of ourselves by our
feelings, but by the general principle and guiding desire of the mind. I
do think that my prevailing aim is to do the will of God and to glorify
Him in everything. Of this I have thought a great deal of late. I have
not a very extensive sphere of action, but I want my conduct, my every
word and look and motion, to be fully under the influence of this desire
for the honor of God. You can have no idea of the constant observation
to which I am exposed here.
_Feb. 21st._--I spent three hours this afternoon in taking care of a
little black child (belonging to the house), who is very ill, and as
I am not much used to such things, it excited and worried me into a
violent nervous headache. I finished Brainerd's Life this afternoon,
amid many doubts as to whether I ever loved the Lord at all, so
different is my piety from that of this blessed and holy man. The book
has been a favorite with me for years, but I never felt the influence of
his life as I have while reading it of late.
She alludes repeatedly in her correspondence to the delight which she
found on the Sabbath in listening to that eminent preacher and divine,
the Rev. Dr. Wm. S. Plumer, who was then settled in Richmond. In a
letter to her cousin she writes:
I have become much attached to him; he seems more than half in heaven,
and every word is full of solemnity and feeling, as if he had just held
near intercourse with God. I wish that you could have listened with me
to his sermons to-day. They have been, I think, blessed messages from
God to my soul.
All her letters at this time glow with religious fervor. "How wonderful
is our divine Master!" she seemed to be always saying to herself. "It
has become so delightful to me to speak of His love, of His holiness, of
His purity, that when I try to write to those who know Him not, I hardly
know what is worthy of even a mention, if He is to be forgotten." And
several years afterwards she refers to this period as a time when she
"shrank from everything that in the slightest degree interrupted her
consciousness of God."
The following letter to a friend, whose name will often recur in these
pages, well illustrates her state of mind during the entire winter.
_To Miss Anna S. Prentiss. Richmond, Feb 26, 1841._
Your very welcome letter, my dear Anna, arrived this afternoon, and, as
my labors for the week are over, I am glad of a quiet hour in which to
thank you for it. I do not thank you simply because you have so soon
answered my letter, but because you have told me what no one else could
do so well about your own very dear self. When I wrote you I doubted
very much whether I might even allude to the subject of religion,
although I wished to do so, since that almost exclusively has occupied
my mind during the last year. I saw you in the midst of temptations to
which I have ever been a stranger, but which I conceived to be decidedly
unfavorable to growth in any of the graces which make up Christian
character. It was not without hesitation that I ventured to yield to the
promptings of my heart, and to refer to the only things which have at
present much interest for it. I can not tell you how I do rejoice
that you have been led to come out thus upon the Lord's side, and to
consecrate yourself to His service. My own views and feelings have
within the last year undergone such an entire change, that I have wished
I could take now some such stand in the presence of all who have known
me in days past, as this which you have taken. My first and only wish is
henceforth to live but for Him, who has graciously drawn my wandering
affections to Himself.... You speak of the faintness of your heart--but
"they who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength," and I do
believe the truth of these precious words; not only because they are
those of God, but also because my own experience adds happy witness to
them. I have lived many years with only just enough of hope to keep me
from actual despair. The least breath was sufficient to scatter it all
and to leave me, fearful and afraid, to go over and over again the same
ground; thus allowing neither time nor strength for progress in the
Christian course. I trust that you will not go through years of such
unnecessary darkness and despondency. There is certainly enough in our
Saviour, if we only open our eyes that we may see it, to solve every
doubt and satisfy every longing of the heart; and He is willing to give
it in full measure. When I contemplate the character of the Lord Jesus,
I am filled with wonder which I can not express, and with unutterable
desires to yield myself and my all to His hand, to be dealt with in
His own way; and His way is a blessed one, so that it is delightful to
resign body and soul and spirit to Him, without a will opposed to His,
without a care but to love Him more, without a sorrow which His love
can not sanctify or remove. In following after Him faithfully and
steadfastly, the feeblest hopes may be strengthened; and I trust that
you will find in your own happy experience that "joy and peace" go hand
in hand with love--so that in proportion to your devotion to the Saviour
will be the blessedness of your life. When I begin I hardly know where
to stop, and now I find myself almost at the end of my sheet before I
have begun to say what I wish. This will only assure you that I love you
a thousand times better than I did when I did not know that your heart
was filled with hopes and affections like my own, and that I earnestly
desire, if Providence permits us to enjoy intercourse in this or in any
other way, we may never lose sight of the one great truth that we are
_not our own._ I pray you sometimes remember me at the throne of grace.
The more I see of the Saviour, the more I feel my own weakness and
helplessness and my need of His constant presence, and I can not help
asking assistance from all those who love Him.... Oh, how sorry I am
that I have come to the end! I wish I had any faculty for expressing
affection, so that I might tell you how much I love and how often I
think of you.
Her cousin having gone abroad, a break in the correspondence with him
occurred about this time and continued for several months. In a letter
to her friend, Miss Thurston, dated April 21st, she thus refers to her
school:
There are six of us teachers, five of them born in Maine--which is
rather funny, as that is considered by most of the folks here as the
place where the world comes to an end. Although the South lifts up its
wings and crows over the North, it is glad enough to get its teachers
there, and ministers too, and treats them very well when it gets
them, into the bargain. We have in the school about one hundred and
twenty-five pupils of all ages. I never knew till I came here the
influence which early religious education exerts upon the whole future
age. There is such a wonderful difference between most of these young
people and those in the North, that you might almost believe them
another race of beings. Mrs. Persico is beautiful, intelligent,
interesting, and pious. Mr. Persico is just as much like John Neal as
difference of education and of circumstances can permit. Mr. N.'s strong
sense of justice, his enthusiasm, his fun and wit, his independence and
self-esteem, his tastes, too, as far as I know them, all exist in like
degree in Mr. Persico.
The early spring, with its profusion of flowers of every hue, so far in
advance of the spring in her native State, gave her the utmost pleasure;
but as the summer approached, her health began to suffer. The heat was
very intense, and hot weather always affected her unhappily. "I feel,"
she wrote, "as if I were in an oven with hot melted lead poured over my
brain." Her old trouble, too--"organic disease of the heart" it was now
suspected to be--caused her much discomfort. "While writing," she says
in one of her letters, "I am suffering excruciating pain; I can't call
it anything else." Her physical condition naturally affected more or
less her religious feelings. Under date of July 12th, she writes:
The word _conflict_ expresses better than any other my general state
from day to day. I have seemed of late like a straw floating upon the
surface of a great ocean, blown hither and thither by every wind, and
tossed from wave to wave without the rest of a moment. It was a mistake
of mine to imagine that God ever intended man to rest in this world. I
see that it is right and wise in Him to appoint it otherwise.... While
suffering from my Saviour's absence, nothing interests me. But I was
somewhat encouraged by reading in my father's memoir, and in reflecting
that he passed through far greater spiritual conflicts than will
probably ever be mine.... I see now that it is not always best for us to
have the light of God's countenance. Do not spend your time and strength
in asking for me that blessing, but this--that I may be transformed into
the image of Christ in His own time, in His own way.
Early in August she left Richmond and flew homeward like a bird to its
nest.
* * * * *
III.
Extracts from her Richmond Journal.
Were her letters to her cousin the only record of Miss Payson's Richmond
life, one might infer that they give a complete picture of it; for they
were written in the freedom and confidence of Christian friendship, with
no thought that a third eye would ever see them. But it had another and
hidden side, of which her letters contain only a partial record. Her
early habit of keeping a journal has been already referred to. She kept
one at Richmond, and was prevented several years later from destroying
it, as she had destroyed others, by the entreaty of the only person who
ever saw it. This journal depicts many of her most secret thoughts and
feelings, both earthward and heavenward. Some passages in it are of
too personal a nature for publication, but the following extracts seem
fairly entitled to a place here, as they bring out several features
of her character with sunlike clearness, and so will help to a better
understanding of the ensuing narrative:
RICHMOND, _October 3, 1840._
How funny it seems here! Everything is so different from home! I foresee
that I shan't live nearly a year under these new influences without
changing my old self into something else. Heaven forbid that I should
grow old because people treat me as if I were grown up! I hate old young
folks. Well! whoever should see me and my scholars would be at a loss to
know wherein consists the difference between them and me. I am only a
little girl after all, and yet folks do treat me as if I were as old and
as wise as Methusaleh. And Mr. Persico says, "Oui, Madame." Oh! oh! oh!
It makes me feel so ashamed when these tall girls, these damsels whose
hearts are developed as mine won't be these half dozen years (to say
nothing of their minds), ask me if they may go to bed, if they may walk,
if they may go to Mr. So-and-so's, and Miss Such-a-one's to buy--a stick
of candy for aught I know. Oh, oh, oh! I shall have to take airs upon
myself. I shall have to leave off little words and use big ones. I shall
have to leave off sitting curled up on my feet, turkey-fashion. I shall
have to make wise speeches (But a word in your ear, Miss--I _won't_).
_Oct. 27th_--This Richmond is a queer sort of a place and I should be as
miserable in it as a fish out of water, only there is sunshine enough
in my heart to make any old hole bright. In the first place, this dowdy
chamber is in one view a perfect den--no carpet, whitewashed walls,
loose windows that have the shaking palsy, fire-red hearth, blue paint
instead of white, or rather a suspicion that there was once some blue
paint here. But what do I care? I'm as merry as a grig from morning till
night. The little witches down-stairs love me dearly, everybody is kind,
and--and--and--when everybody is locked out and I am locked into this
same room, this low attic, there's not a king on the earth so rich, so
happy as I! Here is my little pet desk, here are my books, my papers.
I can write and read and study and moralise, I don't pretend to say
_think_--and then besides, every morning and every night, within these
four walls, heaven itself refuses not to enter in and dwell--and I may
grow better and better and happier and happier in blessedness with which
nothing may intermeddle.
Mr. Persico is a man by himself, and quite interesting to me in one
way, that is, in giving me something to puzzle out. I like him for his
exquisite taste in the picture line and for having adorned his rooms
with such fine ones--at least they're fine to my inexperienced eye; for
when I'm in the mood, I can go and sit and dream as it seemeth me good
over them, and as I dream, won't good thoughts come into my heart? As
to Mrs. P., I hereby return my thanks to Nature for making her so
beautiful. She has a face and figure to fall in love with. K. has also a
fine face and a delicate little figure. Miss ---- I shall avoid as far
as I can do so. I do not think her opinions and feelings would do me
any good. She has a fine mind and likes to cultivate it, and for that I
respect her, but she has nothing natural and girlish in her, and I am
persuaded, never had. She hates little children; says she hates to hear
them laugh, thinks them little fools. Why, how odd all this is to me!
I could as soon hate the angels in heaven and hate to hear them sing.
That, to be sure, is my way, and the other way is hers--but somehow it
doesn't seem good-hearted to be so very, very superior to children as to
shun the little loving beautiful creatures. I don't believe I ever shall
grow up! But, Miss ----, I don't want to do you injustice, and I'm much
obliged to you for all the flattering things you've said about me, and
if you like my eyes and think there is congeniality of feeling between
us, why, I thank you. But oh, don't teach me that the wisdom of the
world consisteth in forswearing the simple beauties with which life is
full. Don't make me fear my own happy girlhood by talking to me about
love--oh, don't!
_Dec. 1._--I wonder if all the girls in the world are just alike? Seems
to me they might be so sweet and lovable if they'd leave off chattering
forever and ever about lovers.... If mothers would keep their little
unfledged birds under their own wings, wouldn't they make better mother-
birds? Now some girls down-stairs, who ought to be thinking about all
the beautiful things in life but just lovers, are reading novels,
love-stories and poetry, till they can't care for anything else.... Now,
Lizzy Payson, where's the use of fretting so? Go right to work reading
Leighton and you'll forget that all the world isn't as wise as you think
you are, you little vain thing, you! Alas and alas, but this is such a
nice world, and the girls don't know it!
_Dec. 2._--What a pleasant walk I had this morning on Ambler's Hill.
The sun rose while I was there and I was so happy! The little valley,
clothed with white houses and completely encircled by hills, reminded me
of the verse about the mountains round about Jerusalem. Nobody was awake
so early and I had all the great hill to myself, and it was so beautiful
that I could have thrown myself down and kissed the earth itself. Oh,
sweet and good and loving Mother Nature! I choose you for my own. I will
be your little lady-love. I will hunt you out whenever you hide, and you
shall comfort me when I am sad, and laugh with me when I'm merry, and
take me by the hand and lead me onward and upward till the image of the
heavenly forceth out that of the earthly from my whole heart and soul.
Oh, how I prayed for a holy heart on that hillside and how sure I am
that I shall grow better! and what companionable thoughts I've had all
day for that blessed walk!
_8th._--My life is a nice little life just now, as regular as clockwork.
We walk and we keep school, and our scholars kiss and love us, and we
kiss and love them, and we read Lamartine and I worship Leighton, good,
wise, holy Leighton, and we discourse about everything together and
dispute and argue and argue and dispute, and I'm quite happy, so I am!
As to Lamartine, he's no great things, as I know of, but I want to keep
up my knowledge of French and so we read twenty pages a day. And as to
our discourses, my fidgety, moralising sort of mind wants to compare its
doctrines with those of other people, though it's as stiff as a poker
in its own opinions. You're a very consistent little girl! you call
yourself a child, are afraid to open your mouth before folks, and yet
you're as obstinate and proud as a little man, daring to think for
yourself and act accordingly at the risk of being called odd and
incomprehensible. I don't care, though! Run on and break your neck if
you will. You're nothing especial after all.
_9th._--To-night, in unrolling a bundle of work I found a little note
therein from mother. Whew, how I kissed it! I thought I should fly out
of my senses, I was so glad. But I can't fly now-a-days, I'm growing
so unetherial. Why, I take up a lot of room in the world and my frocks
won't hold me. That's because my heart is so quiet, lying as still as a
mouse, after all its tossings about and trying to be happy in the things
of this life. Oh, I am so happy now in the _other_ life! But as for
telling other people so--as for talking religion--I don't see how I
_can._ It doesn't come natural. Is it because I am proud? But I pray to
be so holy, so truly a Christian, that my _life_ shall speak and gently
persuade all who see me to look for the hidden spring of my perpetual
happiness and quietness. The only question is: Do I live so? I'm
afraid I make religion seem too grave a thing to my watching maidens
down-stairs; but, oh, I'm afraid to rush into _their_ pleasures.
_25th._-- ... I've been "our Lizzy" all my life and have not had to
display my own private feelings and opinions before folks, but have sat
still and listened and mused and lived within myself, and shut myself up
in my corner of the house and speculated on life and the things thereof
till I've got a set of notions of my own which don't _fit into_ the
notions of anybody I know. I don't open myself to anybody on earth; I
can not; there is a world of something in me which is not known to those
about me and perhaps never will be; but sometimes I think it would be
_delicious_ to love a mind like mine in some things, only better, wiser,
nobler. I do not quite understand life. People don't live as they were
made to live, I'm sure ... I want _soul._ I want the gracious, glad
spirit that finds the good and the beautiful in everything, joined to
the manly, exalted intellect--rare unions, I am sure, yet possible ones.
Little girl! Do you suppose such a soul would find anything in yours to
satisfy it? No--no--no--I do not. I know I am a poor little goose which
ought to be content with some equally poor little gander, but I _won't._
I'll never give up one inch of these the demands of my reason and of my
heart for all the truths you tell me about myself--never! But descend
from your elevation, oh speculating child of mortality, and go down to
school. Oh, no, no school for a week, and I guess I'll spend the week in
fancies and follies. It won't hurt me. I've done it before and got back
to the world as satisfied as ever, indeed I have.
_Jan. 1, 184l._--We've been busy all the week getting our presents ready
for the servants, and a nice time I've had this morning, seeing them
show their ivory thereat. James made a little speech, the amount of
which was, he hoped I wouldn't get married till I'd "done been" here two
or three years, because my face was so pleasant it was good to look at
it! I was as proud as Lucifer at this compliment, and shall certainly
look pleasant all day to-day, if I never did before. Monsieur and the
rest wished me, I won't say how many, good wishes, rushing at me as I
went in to breakfast--and Milly privately informed Lucy that she liked
Miss Payson "a heap" better than she did any body else, and then came
and begged me to buy her! I buy her! Heaven bless the poor little girl.
I had some presents and affectionate notes from different members of the
family and from my scholars--also letters from sister and Ned, which
delighted me infinitely more than I'm going to tell _you_, old journal.
Took tea at Mr. P.'s and Mrs. P. laughed at her husband because he had
once an idea of going to New England to get my little ladyship to wife
(for the sake of my father, of course). Mr. P. blushed like a boy and
fidgeted terribly, but I didn't care a snap--I am not old enough to be
wife to anybody, and I'm not going to mind if people do joke with
me about it. I've had better things to think of on this New Year's
day--good, heavenward thoughts and prayers and hopes, and if I do not
become more and more transformed into the Divine, then are prayers and
hopes things of nought. Oh, how dissatisfied I am with myself. How I
long to be like unto Him into whose image I shall one day be changed
when I see Him as He is!
I believe nobody understands me on religious points, for I can not, and,
it seems to me, _need_ not parade my private feelings before the world.
Cousin G., God bless him! knows enough, and yet my letters to him do not
tell the hundredth part of that which these four walls might tell, if
they would. I do not know that I am not wrong, but I do dislike
the present style of talking on religious subjects. Let people
pray--earnestly, fervently, not simply morning and night, but the _whole
day long_, making their lives one continued prayer; but, oh, don't let
them tell others of, or let others know _half_ how much of communion
with Heaven is known to their own hearts. Is it not true that those who
talk most, go most to meetings, run hither and thither to all sorts of
societies and all sorts of readings--is it not true that such
people would not find peace and contentment--yes, blessedness of
blessedness--in solitary hours when to the Searcher of hearts alone are
known their aspirations and their love? I do not know, I am puzzled; but
I may say here, where nobody will ever see it, what I _do_ think, and I
say it to my own heart as well as over the hearts of others--there is
not enough of real, true communion with God, not enough nearness to Him,
not enough heart-searching before Him; and too much parade and bustle
and noise in doing His work on earth. Oh, I do not know exactly what I
mean--but since I have heard so many apparently Christian people own
that of this sense of nearness to God they know absolutely nothing--that
they pray because it is their habit without the least expectation of
meeting the great yet loving Father in their closets--since I have heard
this I am troubled and perplexed. Why, is it not indeed true that the
Christian believer, God's own adopted, chosen, beloved child, may speak
face to face with his Father, humbly, reverently, yet as a man talketh
with his friend? Is it not true? Do not I _know_ that it is so? Oh, I
sometimes want the wisdom of an angel that I may not be thus disturbed
and wearied.
_14th._--Now either Miss ----'s religion is wrong and mine right, or
else it's just the other way. I wrote some verses, funny ones, and sent
her to-day, and she returned for answer that verse in Proverbs about
vinegar on nitre, and seemed distressed that I ever had such worldly and
funny thoughts. I told her I should like her better if she ever had any
but solemn ones, whence we rushed into a discussion about proprieties
and I maintained that a mind was not in a state of religious health, if
it could not _safely_ indulge in thoughts funny as funny could be. She
shook her head and looked as glum as she could, and I'm really sorry
that I vexed her righteous soul, though I'm sure I feel funny ever so
much of the time, can not help saying funny things and cutting up capers
now and then. I'll take care not to marry a glum man, anyhow; not that
I want my future lord and master to be a teller of stories, a wit, or a
particularly funny man--but he shan't wear a long face and make me wear
a long one, though he may be as pious as the day is long and _must_ be,
what's more. Oh, my! I don't think I was so very naughty. I saw Miss
---- laughing privately at these same verses, and she rushed in to Mrs.
P. and read them to her, and then copied them for her aunt and paid
twenty-five cents postage on the letter. I should like to know how she
dared waste so much time in unholy employments! As I was saying, and am
always thinking, it's rather queer that people are so oddly different in
their ideas of religion. Heaven forbid I should trifle with serious and
holy thoughts of my head and heart--but if my religion is worth a straw,
such verse-writing will not disturb it.
_January 16th_.--I wonder what's got into me to-day--I feel cross,
without the least bit of reason for so feeling. I guess I'm not well,
for I'm sure I've felt like one great long sunbeam, I don't know how
many months, and it doesn't come natural to be fretful.
_17th_.--I knew I wasn't well yesterday and to-day am half sick. We got
through breakfast at twenty minutes to eleven, and as I was up at seven,
I got kind o' hungry and out of sorts. This afternoon went to church and
heard one of Dr. E.'s argumentative sermons. But there's something in
those Prayer-book prayers, certainly, if men won't or can't put any
grace into their sermons. I wish I had a perfect ideal Sunday in my head
or heart, or both. If I'm _very_ good I'm tired at night, and if I'm bad
my conscience smites me--so any way I'm not very happy just now and I'm
sick and mean to go to bed and so!
_18th_.--Had a talk with Nannie. She has a thoughtful mind and who knows
but we may do her some good. I love to have her here, and for once in my
life like to feel a little bit--just the least bit--_old_; that is, old
enough to give a little sage advice to the poor thing, when she asks it.
She says she won't read any more novels and will read the Bible and dear
knows what else she said about finding an angel for me to marry, which
heaven forbid she should do, since I'm too fond of being a little mite
naughty, to desire anything of that sort. After she was in bed she began
to say her prayers most vehemently and among other things, prayed for
Miss Payson. I had the strangest sensation, and yet an almost heavenly
one, if I may say so. May it please Heaven to listen to her prayer for
me, and mine for her, dear child. But suppose I do her no good while she
lives so under my wing?
_19th._--Up early--walked and read Leighton. Mr. P. amused us at dinner
by giving a funny account in his funny way, of a mistake of E.----
H.----'s. She asked me the French for _as_. "Aussi" quoth I. Thereupon
she tucked a great O. C. into her exercise and took it to him and they
jabbered and sputtered over it, and she insisted that Miss Payson said
so and he put his face right into hers and said, "Will you try to prove
that Miss Payson is a fool, you little goose?" and at last Miss A.
understood and explained. Read Leighton after school and thirty-two
pages of Lamartine--then Mr. P. called--then Miss ---- teased me to
love her and kept me in her paws till the bell rang for tea. Why can't I
like her? I should be so ashamed if I should find out after all that
she is as good as she _seems_, but I never did get cheated yet when I
trusted my own mother wits, my instinct, or whatever it is by which I
know folks--and she is found wanting by this something.
_28th_.--Mrs. Persico has comforted me to-day. She says Mr. T. came to
Mr. P. with tears in his eyes (could such a man shed tears?) and told
him that I should be the salvation of his child--that she was already
the happiest and most altered creature, and begged him to tell me so. I
was ashamed and happy too--but I think Mr. P. should have told him
that if good has been done to Nannie, it is _as_ much--to say the
least--owing to Louisa as to me. L. always joins me in everything I do
and say for her, and I would not have even an accident deprive her of
her just reward for anything. Nannie sat on the floor to-night in her
night-gown, thinking. At last she said, "Miss Payson?" "Well, little
witch?" "You wouldn't care much if you should die to-night, should you?"
"No, I think not." "Nor I," said she. "Why, do you think you should be
better off than you are here?" "Yes, in heaven," said she. "Why how do
you know you'll go to heaven?" She looked at me seriously and said, "Oh,
I don't know--I don't know--I don't think I should like to go to the
other place." We had then a long talk with her and it seems she's a
regular little believer in Purgatory--but I wouldn't dispute with her. I
guess there's a way of getting at her heart better than that.... Why is
it that I have such a sensitiveness on religious points, such a dread of
having my own private aims and emotions known by those about me? Is it
right? I should like to be just what the Christian ought to be in these
relations. Miss ---- expects me to make speeches to her, but I _can
not_. If I thought I knew ever so much, I could not, and she annoys me
so. Oh, I wish it didn't hurt my soul so to touch it! It's just like
a butterfly's wing--people can't help tearing off the very invisible
_down_ so to speak, for which they take a fancy to it, if they get it
between fingers and thumb, and so I have to suffer for their curiosity's
sake. Am I bound to reveal my heart-life to everybody who asks? Must I
not believe that the heavenly love may, in one sense, be _hidden_ from
outward eye and outward touch? or am I wrong?
_Feb. 1, 184l._--Rose later than usual--cold, dull, rainy morning. Read
in Life of Wilberforce. Defended Nannie with more valor than discretion.
This evening the storm departed and the moonlight was more beautiful
than ever; and I was so sad and so happy, and the life beyond and above
seemed so beautiful. Oh, how I have longed to-day for heaven within my
own soul! There has been much unspoken prayer in my heart to-night. I
don't know what I should do if I could have my room all to myself--and
not have people know it if even a good thought comes into my mind. I
shall be happy in heaven, I know I shall--for even here prayer and
praise are so infinitely more delightful than anything else.
_3d._--Woke with headache, got through school as best I could, then came
and curled myself up in a ball in the easy-chair and didn't move till
nine, when I crept down to say good-bye to poor Mrs. Persico. Miss L.
and Miss J. received me in their room so tenderly and affectionately
that I was ashamed. What makes them love me? I am sure I should not
think they could.
_10th._--I wonder who folks think I am, and what they think? Sally R----
sent me up her book of autographs with a request that I would add mine.
I looked it over and found very great names, and did not know whether
to laugh or cry at her funny request, which I couldn't have made up my
mouth to grant. How queer it seems to me that people won't let me be
a little girl and will act as if I were an old maid or matron of
ninety-nine! Poor Mr. Persico is terribly unhappy and walks up and down
perpetually with _such_ a step.
_12th._-- ... I am sure that in these little things God's hand is just
as clearly to be seen as in His wonderful works of power, and tried to
make Miss ---- see this, but she either couldn't or wouldn't. It seems
to me that God is my Father, my own Father, and it is so natural to
turn right to Him, every minute almost, with either thank-offerings or
petitions, that I never once stop to ask if such and such a matter is
sufficiently great for His notice. Miss ---- seemed quite astonished
when I said so.
_16th._-- ... I've been instituting an inquiry into myself to-day and
have been worthily occupied in comparing myself to an onion, though
in view of the fragrance of that highly useful vegetable, I hope the
comparison won't go on all fours But I have as many natures as an onion
has--what d'ye call 'em--coats? First the outside skin or nature--kind
o' tough and ugly; _any_body may see that and welcome. Then comes my
next nature--a little softer--a little more removed from curious eyes;
then my inner one--myself--that 'ere little round ball which nobody
ever did or ever will see the whole of--at least, s'pose not. Now most
people see only the outer rind--a brown, red, yellow, tough skin and
that's all; but I _think_ there's something inside that's better and
more truly an onion than might at first be guessed. And so I'm an onion
and that's the end.
_17th._--Mrs. P.'s birthday, in honor of which cake and wine. Mr. P. was
angry with us because we took no wine. If he had asked me civilly to
drink his wife's health, I should probably have done so, but I am not to
be _frightened_ into anything. I made a funny speech and got him out of
his bearish mood, and then we all proceeded to the portico to see if the
new President had arrived--by which means we obtained a satisfactory
view of two cows, three geese, one big boy in a white apron and one
small one in a blue apron, three darkies of feminine gender and one old
horse; but Harrison himself we saw not. Mr. Persico says it's Tyler's
luck to get into office by the death of his superior, and declares
Harrison must infallibly die to secure John Tyler's fate. It's to be
hoped this won't be the case. [9]
_March 6th._--Miss L. read to us to-day some sprightly and amusing
little notes written her years ago by a friend with whom she still
corresponds. I was struck with the contrast between these youthful and
light-hearted fragments and her present letters, now that she is a wife
and mother. I wonder if there is always this difference between the girl
and woman? If so, heaven forbid I should ever cease to be a child!
_18th._--Headache--Nannie sick; held her in my arms two or three hours;
had a great fuss with her about taking her medicine, but at last out
came my word _must_, and the little witch knew it meant all it said and
down went the oil in a jiffy, while I stood by laughing at myself for my
pretension of dignity. The poor child couldn't go to sleep till she had
thanked me over and over for making her mind and for taking care of her,
and wouldn't let go my hand, so I had to sit up until very late--and
then I was sick and sad and restless, for I couldn't have my room to
myself and the day didn't seem finished without it.
It is a perfect mystery to me how folks get along with so little
praying. Their hearts must be better than mine, or something. What is
it? But if God sees that the desire of my whole heart is to-night--has
been all day--towards Himself, will He not know this as prayer, answer
it as such? Yes, prayer is certainly something more than bending of the
knees and earnest words, and I do believe that goodness and mercy will
descend upon me, though with my lips I ask not.
_24th._--Had a long talk with Mr. Persico about my style of governing.
He seemed interested in what I had to say about appeals to the
conscience, but said my _youthful enthusiasm_ would get cooled down when
I knew more of the world. I told him, very pertly, that I hoped I should
never know the world then. He laughed and asked, "You expect to make
out of these stupid children such characters, such hearts as yours?"
"No--but better ones." He shook his head and said I had put him into
good humor. I don't know what he meant. I've been acting like Sancho
to-day--rushing up stairs two at a time, frisking about, catching up
Miss J---- in all her maiden dignity and tossing her right into the
midst of our bed. Who's going to be "schoolma'am" out of school? Not I!
I mean to be just as funny as I please, and what's more I'll make Miss
---- funny, too,--that I will! She'd have so much more health--Christian
health, I mean--if she would leave off trying to get to heaven in such a
dreadful bad "way." I can't think _religion_ makes such a long, gloomy
face. It must be that she is wrong, or else I am. I wonder which? Why
it's all sunshine to me--and all clouds to her! Poor Miss ----, you
might be so happy!
_April 9th._--Holiday. We all took a long walk, which I enjoyed highly.
I was in a half moralising mood all the way, wanted to be by myself very
much. We talked more than usual about home and I grew so sad. Oh, I
wonder if anybody loves me as _I love_! I wonder! I long for mother, and
if I could just see her and know that she is happy and that she will be
well again! It is really a curious question with me, whether provided
I ever fall in love (for I'll _fall_ in love, else not go in at all) I
shall leave off loving mother best of anybody in the world? I suppose I
shall be in love sometime or other, but that's nothing to do with me now
nor I with it. I've got my hands full to take care of my naughty little
self.
_17th._--Mrs. Persico got home to-night [10] and what a meeting we had!
what rejoicing! How beautiful she looked as she sat in her low chair,
and we stood and knelt in a happy circle about her! A queen--an
angel--could not have received love and homage with a sweeter grace. Sue
Irvine cried an hour for joy and I wished I were one of the crying sort,
for I'm sure I was glad enough to do almost anything. Beautiful woman!
We sang to her the Welcome Home, Miss F. singing as much with her eyes
as with her voice, and Mr. and Mrs. Persico both cried, he like a little
child. Oh, that such evenings as this came oftener in one's life! All
that was beautiful and good in each of our hidden natures came dancing
out to greet her at her coming, and all petty jealousies were so quieted
and--why, what a rhapsody I'm writing! And to-morrow, our good
better natures tucked away, dear knows where, we shall descend with
business-like airs to breakfast, wish each other good morning, pretend
that we haven't any hearts. Oh, is this life! I won't believe it.
Our good genius has come back to us; now all things will again go on
smoothly; once more I can be a little girl and frolic up here instead of
playing Miss Dignity down-stairs.
_May 7th._--This evening I passed unavoidably through Miss ----'s room.
She was reading Byron as usual and looked so wretched and restless, that
I could not help yielding to a loving impulse and putting my hand on
hers and asking why she was so sad. She told me. It was just what I
supposed. She is trying to be happy, and can not find out how; reads
Byron and gets sickly views of life; sits up late dreaming about love
and lovers; then, too tired to pray or think good thoughts, tosses
herself down upon her bed and wishes herself dead. She did not tell me
this, to be sure, but I gathered it from her story. I alluded to
her religious history and present hopes. She said she did not think
continued acts of faith in Christ necessary; she had believed on Him
once, and now He would save her whatever she did; and she was not going
to torment herself trying to live so very holy a life, since, after all,
she should get to heaven just as well through Him as if she had been
particularly good (as she termed it). I don't know whether a good or a
bad spirit moved me at that minute, but I forgot that I was a mere child
in religious knowledge, and talked about _my_ doctrine and made it a
very beautiful one to my mind, though I don't think she thought it
so. Oh, for what would I give up the happiness of praying for a holy
heart--of striving, struggling for it! Yes, it is indeed true that we
are to be saved simply, only, apart from our own goodness, through the
love of Christ. But who can believe himself thus chosen of God--who can
think of and hold communion with Infinite Holiness, and not long for
the Divine image in his own soul? It is a mystery to me--these strange
doctrines. Is not the fruit of love aspiration after the holy? Is not
the act of the new-born soul, when it passes from death unto life, that
of desire for assimilation to and oneness with Him who is its all in
all? How can love and faith be _one act_ and then cease? I dare not
believe--I would not for a universe believe--that my very sense of
safety in the love of Christ is not to be just the sense that shall bind
me in grateful self-renunciation wholly to His service. Let me be _sure_
of final rest in heaven--sure that at this moment I am really God's own
adopted child; and I believe my prayers, my repentings, my weariness of
sin, would be just what they now are; nay, more deep, more abundant. Oh,
it is _because_ I believe--fully believe that I shall be saved through
Christ--that I want to be like Him here upon earth It is because I do
not fear final misery that I shrink from sin and defilement here. Oh,
that I could put into that poor bewildered heart of hers just the sweet
repose upon the ever present Saviour which He has given unto me! The
quietness with which my whole soul rests upon Him is such blessed
quietness! I shall not soon forget this strange evening.
[1] She refers to this, doubtless, in a note to Mr. Hamlin, dated March
28, 1839. Mr. H. was then in Constantinople. "It seems as if a letter to
go so far ought to be a good one, so I am afraid to write to you. But we
'_think to you_' every day, and hope you think of us sometimes. I have
been so happy all winter that I have some happiness to spare, and if you
need any you shall have as much as you want."
[2] The sermon was preached by her pastor, the Rev. Dr. Condit, April
19th.
[3] There is one thing I recall as showing the very early religious
tendency of Lizzy's mind. It was a little prayer meeting which she held
with a few little friends, as long ago as her sister kept school in the
large parlor of the house on Middle street, before the death of her
father. It assembled at odd hours and in odd places. I also remember her
interest in the spiritual welfare of her young companions, after the
return of the family from their sojourn in New York. She showed this by
accompanying some of us, in the way of encouragement, to Dr. Tyler's
inquiry-meeting. Then during the special religious interest of 1838, she
felt still more deeply and entered heartily into the rejoicing of those
of us who at that time found "peace in believing." The next year I
accompanied my elder sister Susan to Richmond, and during my absence she
gave up her Christian hope and passed through a season of great darkness
and despondency, emerging, however, into the light upon a higher plane
of religious experience and enjoyment. She sometimes thought this the
very beginning of the life of faith in her soul. But as I used to say
to her when the next year we were together at Richmond, it seemed to me
quite impossible that any one who had not already received the grace of
God, could have felt what she had felt and expressed. I do not doubt
in the least that for years she had been a true follower of
Christ.--_Letter from Miss Ann Louisa P. Lord, dated Portland, December
30, 1878_.
[4] It may be proper to say here, that while but few of her letters are
given entire, it has not been deemed needful specially to indicate all
the omissions. In some instances, also, where two letters, or passages
of letters, relate to the same subject, they have been combined.
[5] An excellent little work by Rev. William Nevins, D.D. Dr. Nevins was
pastor of the first Presbyterian Church in Baltimore, where he died in
1835, at the age of thirty-seven. He was one of the best preachers and
most popular religious writers of his day.
[6] Miss Ann Louisa P. Lord.
[7] Miss Susan Lord.
[8] Referring to a serious accident, by which her mother was for some
time deprived of the use of her right hand.
[9] But, singularly enough, it was. President Harrison died April 4,
1841, just a month after his inauguration, and Mr. Tyler succeeded him.
[10] From Philadelphia, where she had undergone a surgical operation.