AN ENLIGHTENMENT
It might well seem that by now Winnie would have become accustomed to
the discovery that things which had never entered her head might none
the less occupy a large and unassailable position in the heads of other
people--nay, that she might, for safety's sake, allow for the likelihood
of such a revelation when she laid plans or embarked on a course of
conduct. But, in fact, this would be asking her to have learned very
early a very hard lesson. It was not as if there were only one or two of
these entrenched convictions; fresh ones leapt, as it were, from ambush
at every step of her advance, at every stage of her pilgrimage, and
manifested a strength on which she had not calculated, for which the
airy and untrammelled flight of Shaylor's Patch speculation had not
prepared her. It was all very well for her to declare that she accorded
to others the freedom of thought and opinion which she claimed for
herself. Of course she did; but the others made such odd uses of their
liberty! Maxon's point of view, Dick Dennehy's point of view, Woburn
Square's point of view, Bob Purnett's point of view (his--and Godfrey
Ledstone's!)--let these be taken as mastered and appreciated. Between
them they had seemed to cover the ground pretty completely, to
comprehend all the objections which could be raised by standards
religious, social, or merely habitual. But no. Here was a man who was
willing, for himself, to waive all the usual objections, but suddenly
produced a new cult, an esoteric worship, a tribal fetish of his own,
evidently a very powerful fetish, to be propitiated by costly
sacrifices, which he regarded himself as obviously necessary, and had no
doubt would be easily understood by other people.
"How could I be expected to think of the regiment?" asked Winnie
pathetically. "I declare I thought of everything else--that's why I told
him. He doesn't mind all the great world, but he does mind half a dozen
women and a dozen boys somewhere in India! People are queer, aren't
they, Mrs. Lenoir?"
But by now Mrs. Lenoir had been schooled; talks with both father and son
had made her understand better, and, since the thing had to be thus, it
was desirable that Winnie should understand also.
"Well, Winnie, that may be all his regiment is to you--a pack of women
and boys in India; indeed that's pretty much what I called it myself.
But, in justice to Bertie, we must remember that to him it's a great--a
great----"
"A great what?" Winnie was looking malicious over her friend's
hesitation.
"Well, a great institution," Mrs. Lenoir ended, rather lamely.
"An institution! Yes!" Winnie nodded her head. "That's it--and I'm
absolutely fated to run up against institutions. They wait for me, they
lie in hiding, they lurk round corners. And what a lot of them there
are, to break one's shins over!"
"They all come back to one in the end, I think," said Mrs. Lenoir,
smiling. She was glad to hear Winnie's philosophizing. It was a fair
proof that neither here was there a broken heart, though there might be
some disappointment and vexation. "I was very hurt at first," she went
on, "and it made me rude to the General. It's no use being hurt or
angry, Winnie. We bring it on ourselves, if we choose to go our own way.
Whether it's worth taking the consequences--that's for each of us to
decide."
"Worth it a thousand times in my case," said Winnie. "All the same I
didn't in the least understand what it would be like. Only--now I do
understand--I'm going to face it. Fancy if I'd had fewer scruples, and
effected a furtive entrance into the regiment! What mightn't have
happened?"
Three days had elapsed from the date of Winnie's confession to the
Major; they had changed the relative attitudes of the two women. Mrs.
Lenoir had got over her disappointment and returned to her usual
philosophy, her habitual recognition of things as they were, her
understanding that with men their profession and their affairs must come
first. Winnie had hardened towards her late suitor. Ready to be rejected
on her own account, she could not bring herself to accept rejection on
account of the regiment with meekness. After the great things she had
defied, the regiment seemed a puny antagonist. All the same, little
thing as it was, a mere dwarf of an institution compared with her other
giant antagonists, it, not they, now vanquished her; it, not they, now
held Bertie Merriam back.
It must be confessed that she behaved rather maliciously during the days
when the two officers were waiting for their ship. An exaggerated
interest in the affairs of the regiment, an apparently ingenuous
admiration of the wonderful _esprit de corps_ of the British service,
earnest inquiries as to the means by which the newly promoted Commanding
Officer hoped to maintain a high moral tone among his subalterns--these
were the topics with which she beguiled the hours of lunch and dinner.
The Major wriggled, the General looked grave and pained; Mrs. Lenoir
affected to notice nothing, for she saw that her young friend was for
the moment out of hand and only too ready to quarrel with them all. For
the rest, Miss Wilson--whose artificial existence was to end when she
got on the steamer for Genoa--flirted with the Anstruther boys and lost
her money gambling.
So time went on till the eve of the departure of father and son. At
dinner that night Winnie was still waywardly gay and gaily malicious;
when the meal was over she ran off into the garden, and hid herself in a
secret nook. The Anstruther boys sought her in vain, and discontentedly
repaired to the casino. But there was a more persistent seeker.
She was roused from some not very happy meditations by finding Bertie
Merriam standing opposite to her. He did not apologize for his intrusion
nor, on the other hand, ask leave to sit by her; he stood there, looking
gravely at her.
"Why do you take a pleasure in making me unhappy?" he asked. "Why do you
try to make me look ridiculous, and feel as if I'd done something
ungentlemanly? I'm not ridiculous, and I'm not aware of having done
anything ungentlemanly. The subject is a very difficult one for me even
to touch on with you; but I'm acting from honest motives and on an
honest conviction."
Winnie looked up in a moody hostility. "Whenever I've acted from honest
motives and on honest convictions, people have all combined to make me
unhappy, Major Merriam."
"I'm sincerely, deeply sorry for that, and I don't defend it. Still, the
cases are not the same."
"Why aren't they?"
"Because you wanted to do what you did. No doubt you were convinced you
had the right, but you wanted to, besides. Now I don't want to do what
I'm doing. That's the difference. I want it less and less every hour I
spend with you--in spite of your being so disagreeable." He smiled a
little over the last words.
Winnie looked at him in curiosity. What was he going to say?
"You're not consistent. You say you like people to act up to their
convictions; you feel wronged when people blame you for acting up to
your convictions. Yet you punish me for acting up to mine. Will you let
me put the thing before you frankly--since we're to part, probably for
good, to-morrow?"
"Yes, you can say what you like--since we're to part to-morrow."
"Mine isn't the absurd idea you think it is, and I'm not the grandmother
you try to make me out. I'm going to be called on to serve the King in a
position of great responsibility, where my example and my standards will
affect many lives. I must be true to my responsibilities as I see them.
If I did what my feelings incline me to do--pray believe that I assume
nothing as to yours--I shouldn't be true to them. Because in the
regiment you wouldn't be understood--neither your position nor your
convictions. What do most officers' wives, and what do most young men in
the army, know about the sort of society or the sort of speculations
which produce convictions like yours? They would neither understand nor
appreciate them. And if they didn't--well, what opinion must they hold
about you? And what effect would that opinion have? I don't speak of
your position--that would be for you to consider--but what effect would
it have on my position and my influence?"
"They'd just put me down as an ordinary--an ordinary bad woman?"
"Let's say the ordinary case of a woman who has made a scandal. Because
I agree with you in thinking that such a woman needn't be a bad woman.
But even when she's not bad, she may in certain positions be injurious
to the commonwealth--and a regiment's a commonwealth. I'm not clever, as
my brother is. I'm not likely ever to get a bigger job than this. It'll
be the most important trust I shall get, I expect. I want to be loyal to
it. I'm being loyal to it at a great cost to me--yes, a great cost now.
And you try to make me look ridiculous! Well, let that pass. Only,
feeling as I do, I want to put myself right in your eyes, before we say
good-bye."
"I'm sorry I tried to make you look ridiculous. Is that enough, Major
Merriam?"
"It's something," he smiled. "But couldn't you go so far as not to think
me ridiculous?"
"Have I got to think the officers' wives and the subalterns not
ridiculous too?"
"I can leave that to your later reflections. They're not going to part
from you to-morrow, and they don't care so much about your good
opinion."
"No, I don't think you ridiculous any more." She spoke now slowly and
thoughtfully. "I didn't understand. I see better what you mean and feel
now. Only understanding other people doesn't make the world seem any
easier! But I think I do understand. The King pays you for your life,
and you're bound to give it, not only in war, if that's required of you,
but in peace too--is it something like that?"
"Yes, that's the sort of thing it is. Thank you."
"And you mustn't do anything that makes the life he's bought less
valuable to him either in war or peace?"
"Yes, that's it too." He smiled at her more happily now and in a great
kindness.
"In fact, you've sold yourself right out and quite irrevocably?"
"Ah, well, that's not quite the way I should put it. We Merriams have
always done it."
"Hereditary slaves!" smiled Winnie. "It's really rather like marriage,
as Cyril conceived it. You mustn't have another wife. The regiment's
yours. It would be bigamy!"
"Charming people can talk great nonsense," the Major made bold to
observe. He was rather chilled again.
"We're veering round in this discussion. Now you're making out that I'm
ridiculous!"
He made a gesture of protest. Winnie laughed. "Six days ago I didn't
care particularly about you, but I should have married you if you'd
asked me."
"So you told me why I'd better not ask you? Yes?"
"Now I like you very particularly, but nothing on earth would induce me
to marry you," said Winnie. She shot a quick glance of raillery at him.
"So, if you're struggling, you needn't struggle."
"I am struggling rather, Winnie."
"To-morrow ends it."
"Yes, but what's going to happen to you?"
"That's become rather more difficult to answer than it used to be." She
rose from her chair. "But now I'm going in, to beg the General's pardon
for having been so naughty."
She stood there before him, slim, almost vague, in the soft darkness.
Her black gown was a darker spot on the gloom; her face and shoulders
gleamed white, her brows and the line of her red lips seemed black, and
black, too, the eyes with which she regarded him, half-loving, still
half-ridiculing, from across the gulf that parted them. He made a quick
impulsive step towards her, putting out his arms. It seemed to him that
hers came out to meet them; at least she did not retreat. With a sigh
and a shiver she yielded herself to his embrace. "I'm half sorry it's
so utterly impossible all round," she whispered.
After his passionate kiss the man let her go and drew back. "Now I'm
thoroughly ashamed of myself," he said.
"Oh, my dear, you needn't be. Here we are, two small puzzled things,
together on this beautiful night for just a little while, and then a
long way from one another for ever! And we've done nothing very
dreadful. Just what you like in me has kissed me, and just what I like
in you has kissed you, and wished you God-speed, and been sorry for the
trouble I've made, and told you how much I hope for you and your dear
regiment. I'm glad you did it, and I'm glad I did it. Surely it makes us
friends for always that our lips have met like that?"
"I'll give it all up if you ask me, Winnie."
"No, no. I've been learning to think how one will feel about things
to-morrow. Forget you said that. You don't really mean it."
He stood silent for a moment. "No, I didn't really mean it. I beg your
pardon."
"I bear you no malice. I liked you to think it for just a minute. It's
all over." She smiled reassuringly. "But I shall remember--and like to
remember. Everything of me won't leave you, nor everything of you leave
me now, to-morrow--not absolutely everything. Well, it never does, with
people you've met intimately, I think. But what you leave to me is all
good. I was getting hard. This glimpse of you as you really are has
stopped it. Dear friend, kiss me once again, and so good-bye."
Very gently now he kissed her lips again--for it was her lips she gave
him in a perfect confidence.
"Let's go in now," said Winnie, putting her arm through his.
They sauntered slowly through the fragrant garden. The night was still;
no envious wind disturbed the island's rest. Merriam, deeply moved, but
now master of himself, did not speak, but once or twice gently pressed
the hand that lay on his arm. With Winnie there was a sense of sadness,
yet also of peace. She had made a friend, and now was to lose him--yet
not wholly. And, in winning him, she had won back herself also, and had
done with the Miss Wilson who had been flouting and flirting these last
few days, with intentions none too kind and manners none too good; she
was again trying to understand, to be fair, to strike a true balance
between herself and other people.
"You're very different from the others," she said suddenly; "but,
somehow, you're helping me to be more just to them too." She gave a
little sigh. "But justice is most awfully difficult. It's really much
more comfortable to believe that there's absolutely nothing to be said
for people. You believe that about a lot of people, don't you? You'd
believe it about my friend Dick Dennehy, I expect, who wants to have
Ireland independent, and to destroy the monarchy, and put down the army
and navy, and all that sort of thing. Yet he's one of the greatest
gentlemen."
"Then I'd hang him, but I'd shake hands with him first," said the Major.
"Rather like what he's done to me!" thought Winnie to herself; but
Merriam did not read the meaning of the glance, the smile, and the
gentle pressure on his arm.
"But he's got his regiment too!" she went on. Then, glancing up at her
companion, she saw that he was not heeding her words, and the rest of
her meditation over the parallel was conducted in silence.
The General was not to be found that night--he had retreated to his own
quarters in the annex. Winnie said her farewell to him on the balcony
after breakfast the next morning, as they stood and looked at the big
hull of the liner in the roadstead; she was to start in a couple of
hours' time.
"Have you forgiven me, General? Will you say good-bye to me? I said
good-bye to your son last night."
"He'll be gone before you get back to England. He told me something
about last night. You're friends, he and you, now? And, of course, my
dear, you and I. And we shall meet."
The ship sent out a warning hoot. "Come on, if you're coming," she
seemed to say.
"But he and I shan't meet. I'm so glad we have met--just for an hour
once."
The funny little man, 'Dolly,' fussed on to the balcony, monstrously
encumbered with impedimenta--a rug, a 'nest' of wicker baskets, a cap
and a pair of shoes of the country, a huge bunch of bananas, and a
specimen of sugar cane. The ship hooted again, and he made a hurried
rush up to Winnie.
"Good-bye, Miss Wilson, good-bye," he said, dropping half a dozen things
on the floor in order to give her a handshake. "I've got something for
everybody, I think. I won--yes, I won--last night, and I went down to
the town early and bought these presents."
"How fine! Good-bye, Mr. Wigram. Tell all the truth you can, won't you?"
He put his head on one side, in a comical seriousness. "I've been
thinking--since I talked to you, Miss Wilson--that my senior class could
stand a little." Another hoot! "Oh, good-bye!" he exclaimed, in an
extraordinary fluster, as he picked up the things he had dropped, and
made a bolt for the stairs. Winnie watched him running down the steps
that led through the garden to the landing-stage.
"I think the senior class can stand a little, don't you, General?"
"You're over-young to be in it, my dear."
She turned to him. "I'm not unhappy, and I don't reckon myself
unfortunate, because I think that, to some extent at least, I can learn.
The only really unhappy people are people who can't learn at all, I
think. Fancy going through it all and learning absolutely nothing!"
A longer, more insistent hoot! Bertie Merriam sauntered on to the
balcony. No observer would have guessed that the hoot meant anything to
him or that he had any farewell to make. The General held out his hand
to Winnie. "I'll take the steps gently--Bertie can overtake me. _Au
revoir_, Miss Winnie, in London!"
Bertie Merriam came to her. "You slept well?" he asked.
"Oh yes. Why not? I was so at peace. Say nothing this morning. We said
good-bye last night."
"Yes, I know, but----" He was obviously embarrassed. "But I want to ask
you one thing. It'll seem jolly absurd, I know, and rather conceited."
"Will it?" asked Winnie, with bright eyes glistening.
"Well, if there should be any little row in India--I know people at home
don't take much notice of them--any little expedition or anything of
that kind, could you keep your eye on it? Because we might have the luck
to be in it, and I should like you to know how the regiment shows up."
"If you've the luck to be getting killed, I'll read about it," said
Winnie. She smiled with trembling lips. "It's really the least I can do
for a friend, Major Merriam."
"Killed? Oh, rot! Just see first how near to full strength we turn
out--that's my great test--and then, if you read of any other fellows
showing us the way, you might let me know, and I'll inquire about
it--because we don't reckon to let it happen very often. Hullo, that
whistle really sounds as if she meant business!" He gripped her hand
tightly and looked into her eyes. "Here's the end, Winnie!"
"I wouldn't have had it not happen; would you?"
"I shall often wonder if I did right."
She smiled. "You needn't. What you did would have made no
difference--only you'd have been a little less loyal to your duty."
"I wish I knew what was going to become of you."
"I'm not afraid any more. God bless you, dear."
He waited one moment longer. "You've no grudge against me?"
Winnie turned sharply away, and leant over the balcony. "Oh, please,
please!" she stammered.
When she saw him again, he was half-way down to the landing-stage. He
turned, waved his hand, and so passed out of sight--and out of life for
Winnie Maxon.