HE, _a nonentity_.
SHE, _another_.
_He._ Dear----!
_She_ (_wearily_). Oh please don't. [_Does nothing._
_He._ Why, what's the matter?
_She._ Nothing.
[_He does nothing._
_She._ Well, you may as well go on. It will be something, anyhow.
(_Yawns._) Nothing ever seems to happen in this play. I don't know
why. It isn't my fault. Oh, go on.
_He._ All right. Don't suppose it amuses me, though. Darling, I
love you--will you marry me?
_She_ (_very wearily_). Oh, I suppose so.
_He._ Thanks very much. (_Kisses her._) There!
[_Returns proudly to his seat, and does nothing._
_She_ (_with sudden excitement_). Supposing I had said "No," would
you have shot yourself?--would you have gone to the front?--would
your life have been a blank hereafter? Would anything interesting
have happened?
_He_ (_with a great determination in his eyes_). Had you spurned my
love----
_She_ (_excitedly_). Yes, yes?
_He_ (_with emotion_).--I should have--I should have--done nothing.
[_Does it._
_She._ Oh!
_He._ Yes. As for shooting or drowning myself if any little thing
of that sort had happened it would have been _off_ the stage. I
hope I know my place.
[_She does nothing._
_He_ (_politely_). I don't know if you're keen about stopping here?
If not, we might----
_She._ We must wait till somebody else comes on.
_He._ True. (_Reflects deeply._) Er--do you mote much?
[_She sleeps. The audience follows suit. Curtain eventually._
* * * * *
[Illustration: HOW HE OUGHT _NOT_ TO LOOK
_Excited Prompter_ (_to the Ghost of Hamlet's father, who is
working himself up to the most funereal aspect he can assume_).
"Now then, Walker, _LOOK ALIVE_!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: PREHISTORIC SHAKSPEARE.--"MACBETH"
"Infirm of purpose!
Give me the daggers."--_Act II. Sc. 2._]
* * * * *
[Illustration: MUSIC-HALL INANITIES.--I.
_Miss Birdie Vandeleur ("Society's Pet"--vide her advertisements
passim) bawls the refrain of her latest song_:--
"Ow, I am sow orferly _shy_, boys!
I am, and I kennot tell wy, boys!
Some dy, wen I'm owlder,
Per'aps I'll git bowlder,
But naow I am orfer-ly shy!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: MUSIC-HALL INANITIES.--II. The Illustrative Method.
'E's not a _tall_ man--Nor a _short_ man--But he's just the man for me.'
"Not in the army--Nor the nivy--But the royal artill-er-ee!"]
* * * * *