"A POOR player,
Who struts and frets his hour on the stage,
And then--goes in society."
* * * * *
[Illustration: A solo on the horn]
* * * * *
[Illustration: AFTER THE PERFORMANCE.--_Rupert the Reckless (Tompkins, a
distinguished amateur from town)._ "Now, I call it a beastly shame,
Jenkins; you haven't ordered that brute of yours off my togs, and you
know I can't go back to the inn like _this_."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: SCENES FROM MR. PUNCH'S PANTOMIME. Scene I.--The Tragic
Mews]
* * * * *
[Illustration: SCENES FROM MR. PUNCH'S PANTOMIME. Scene II.--The Comic
Mews]
* * * * *
[Illustration: AMBIGUOUS.--_First Actress._ "Oh, my dear, I'm feeling so
chippy! I think I shall send down a doctor's certificate to-night, to
say I can't act." _Second Ditto._ "Surely a certificate isn't necessary,
dear?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Tenor (at amateur concert)._ "It's my turn next, and I'm
so nervous I should like to run away. Would you mind accompanying me,
Miss Brown?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Mrs. Smith._ "This is a very unpleasant piece, don't you
think? There's certainly a great deal to be done yet in the way of
elevating the stage." _Mr. Jones (who hasn't been able to get a glimpse
of the stage all the afternoon)._ "Well--er--it would come to much the
same thing if you ladies were to lower your hats!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: OUR THEATRICALS.--_The Countess._ "Will this cruel war
_never_ end? Day after day I watch and wait, straining every nerve to
catch the sound of the trumpet that will tell me of my warrior's return.
But, hark! what is that I hear?"
[_Stage direction.--"Trumpet faintly heard in distance." But we hadn't
rehearsed that, and didn't explain the situation quite clearly to the
local cornet-player who helped us on the night._
]
* * * * *
[Illustration: Master Jackey having seen a "professor" of posturing, has
a private performance of his own in the nursery.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Mazeppa._ "Again he urges on his wild career!!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS. THE ACTOR.--_Billy Wapshot._ "I
say, look here, you know! They've cast me for the part of _Sir Guy
Earliswoodde_, an awful ass that everyone keeps laughing at! How the
dickens am I to act such a beastly part as that?--and how am I to dress
for it, I should like to know?" _Brown (stage manager)._ "My dear
fellow, dress _just as you are!_--and as for acting, _be as natural as
you possibly can!_ It will be an immense success!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS. THE JEUNE PREMIER.--"_What_,
Eleanor? You know _Sir Lionel Wildrake_, the handsomest, wittiest, most
dangerous man in town! He of whom it is said that no woman has ever been
known to resist him yet!" "The same, Lilian! But hush! He comes----"
[_Enter Colonel Sir Lionel Wildrake_.
]
* * * * *
There is a blessing on peacemakers--is there one on playwrights?
* * * * *
THE HOME OF THE BRITISH DRAMA.--A French crib.
* * * * *
A COURT THEATRE TICKET.--The order of the garter available only at
Windsor as an order for the stalls.
* * * * *
NEW NAME FOR A THEATRE WHERE THE ACTORS ARE MORE OR LESS
UNINTELLIGIBLE.--"The Mumbles."
* * * * *
[Illustration: Music by handle.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE SWING OF THE PENDULUM
"And pray, Duke, what possible objection can you have to my being a
suitor for the hand of your daughter Gwendolen? I--a--_think_ I may
flatter myself that, as a leading gentleman at the Parthenon Theatre, my
social position is at least on a par with your Grace's!"
"I admit that to be the case just _at present_--but the social position
of an actor may suffer a reaction, and a day _may_ come when even the
leading gentleman at the Parthenon may sink to the level of a _Bishop_,
let us say, and be no longer quite a suitable match for a daughter of
the--a--House of Beaumanoir!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: TURNING A PHRASE.--_Dramatic Author._ "What the deuce do
you mean by pitching into my piece in this brutal manner? It's
shameful!" _Dramatic Critic._ "Pitching into it? No, no, no, dear old
man--you'll see how pleased I was, _if you'll only read between the
lines!_"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: SCENE--_A Booth in the Wild West_
_The curtain has just fallen on the first act of the "Pirates of the
Pacific."_
_Author._ "What is the audience shouting for?"
_Manager._ "They're calling for the author."
_Author._ "Then hadn't I better appear?"
_Manager._ "I guess not. They've got their revolvers in their hands!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "Men Were Deceivers Ever"
_First Counter Tenor._ "Scritchy, I think your wife's waiting for you at
our entrance."
_Second Counter Tenor._ "Oh, then, let's go out at the _bass_ door!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE COMMENTATORS.--_First Quidnunc (in an ecstasy)._
"I've just been writing to the 'New Shakspeare Society.' 'Believe I've
made a discovery--that _Horatio_ was _Hamlet's_ father!" _Second
Quidnunc (enchanted)._ "You don't say so!" _First Quidnunc._ "My dear
sir, doesn't _Hamlet_, when he handles _Yorick's_ skull, address
_Horatio_, 'And smelt so, pa'? I think that's conclusive!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A Disenchantment
_Very Unsophisticated Old Lady (from the extremely remote country)._
"_Dear_ me! He's a _very_ different-looking person from what I had
always imagined!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "JUST HINT A FAULT"
_Little Tommy Bodkin takes his cousins to the gallery of the Opera_
_Pretty Jemima (who is always so considerate)._ "Tom, dear, don't you
think you had better take off your hat, on account of the poor people
behind, you know?"]
* * * * *