_Of the Essence of Drama._--It is not strictly necessary that you should
know much about this, but as a rough indication it may be stated that
whenever two or more persons stand (or sit) upon a platform and talk,
and other persons, whether from motives of ennui, or charity, or malice,
or for copyright purposes only, go and listen to them, the law says it
is a stage-play. It does not follow that anybody else will.
_Of the Divers Sorts of Dramatic Writing._--Owing to the competition
nowadays of the variety entertainment you will do well to treat these as
practically amalgamated. For example, start Act I. with an entirely
farcical and impossible marriage, consequent upon a mistake similar to
that of "Mr. Pickwick" about the exact locality of his room; drop into
poetry and pathos in Act II. (waltz-music "off" throughout will show
that it _is_ poetry and pathos); introduce for the first time in Act
III. a melodramatic villain, who endeavours to elope with the heroine
(already married, as above, and preternaturally conscious of it), and
wind-up Act IV. with a skirt dance and a general display of high
spirits, with which the audience, seeing that the conclusion is at hand,
will probably sympathise. Another mixture, very popular with serious
people, may be manufactured by raising the curtain to a hymn tune upon a
number of obviously early Christians, and, after thus edifying your
audience, cheering them up again with glimpses of attractive young
ladies dressed (to a moderate extent) as pagans, and continually in fits
of laughter. The performance of this kind of composition is usually
accompanied by earthquakes, thunder and lightning; but the stage
carpenter will attend to these.
_Of Humour._--Much may be accomplished in this line by giving your
characters names that are easily punned upon. Do not forget, however,
that even higher flights of wit than you can attain by this means will
be surpassed by the simple expedient of withdrawing a chair from behind
a gentleman about to sit down upon it. And this only requires a
stage-direction.
_Of Dialogue._--Speeches of more than half a page, though useful for
clearing up obscurities, are generally deficient in the qualities of
repartee. After exclaiming, "Oh, I am slain!" or words to that effect,
no character should be given a soliloquy taking more than five minutes
in recitation.
_Of the Censorship._--This need not be feared unless you are unduly
serious. Lady Godiva, for instance, will be all right for a ball where
the dress is left to the fancy, but you must not envelop her in
problems.
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