_Leading Lady (to Stage Manager)._ Who's that man in the ulster coat
talking to the call-boy?
_Stage Manager._ Don't know, I'm sure. Perhaps a gas-fitter. Now, as I
was saying, Miss Frisette, I think that all your alterations in the
dialogue are quite up to date, but we must give Splitter a chance for
his cackle. Ah! here he is.
_Splitter._ Well, old boy, I've worked in that scene to rights, but the
boss thinks that some allusions to Turkey served up with German sausage
would fetch 'em. So you might chuck it in for me.
_Stage Man._ Of course I will. Capital idea. (_Marks prompt-book._) I
wonder who that chap is in the wing?
_Splitter._ Haven't the faintest idea. Looks like an undertaker. Hallo,
Wobbler, brought your new song?
_Wobbler._ Yes, it ought to go. And I've a gross or so of capital
wheezes.
_Splitter._ No poaching, old chap.
_Wobbler._ Of course not. I'll not let them off when you're on. Morning,
Miss Skid. Perfect, I suppose?
_Miss Skid (brightly)._ I'm always "perfect." But--(_seriously_)--I had
to cut all the idiotic stuff in my part, and get Peter Quip of "The
Kangaroo" to put in something up to date. Here's the boss!
[_Enter Mr. Footlyte, the manager, amid a chorus of salutations._
_Stage Man._ Places, ladies and gentlemen.
_Mr. Footlyte._ Before we begin the rehearsal, I would point out that I
have completely rewritten the second act, and----
_The Stranger in the Ulster._ But, sir, I beg of you to remember----
_Mr. F._ Who is that man?
_Everybody._ We don't know!
_Mr. F. (advancing)._ Who are you, sir, who dare to trespass on my
premises?
_The S. in the U._ Don't you remember me, Mr. Footlyte?
_Mr. F._ No, sir, I do not. What's your business?
_The S. in the U. (nervously)._ I am the author of the piece.
_Everybody._ Ha! ha! ha!
_Mr. F._ Then you're not wanted here. (_To stage manager._) Jenkins,
clear the stage.
[_The author is shown out. Rehearsal proceeds. Curtain._
* * * * *
MEANT AS A COMPLIMENT.--_Shakspeare Smith (to Miss Lagushe, after
production of his new comedy)._ And what did you think of my little
piece the other night?
_Miss Lagushe._ I didn't pay the least attention to the play. All I
thought was, what a cruel ordeal the performance must be for _you_!
* * * * *