RULES OF CONDUCT
I was very young when I first began to wonder why the world was so
unreasonable; and now I am growing old, and it is not a whit more
sensible than it used to be. Still, as a child I was in full accord with
the other boys and girls about the stupidity of the world. Of course
most of this perversity on the part of older people came from their
constant interference with our desires and plans. None of them seemed to
remember that they once were young and had looked out at the great wide
world through the wondering eyes of the little child.
It seemed to us as if our elders were in a universal conspiracy against
us children; and we in turn combined to defeat their plans. I wonder
where my little playmates have strayed on the great round world, and if
they have grown as unreasonable as our fathers and mothers used to be!
Reasonable or unreasonable, it is certain that our parents never knew
what was best for us to do. At least, I thought so then; and although
the wisdom, or at least the experience, of many years has been added to
my childish stock, I am bound to say that I think so still. Even a boy
might sometimes be trusted to know what he ought to do; and the instinct
and teachings of Nature, as they speak directly to the child, should
have some weight.
But with our parents and teachers all this counted not the least. The
very fact that we wanted to do things seemed ample reason why we should
not. I venture to say that at least nine-tenths of our requests were
denied; and when consent was granted, it was given in the most grudging
way. The one great word that always stood straight across our path was
“No,” and I am sure that the first instinct of our elders on hearing of
our desires was to refuse. I wondered then, and I wonder still, what
would happen if our elders and the world at large should take the other
tack and persuade themselves to say “Yes” as often as they could!
Every child was told exactly what he ought to do. If I could only get a
printed list of the rules given for my conduct day by day, I am sure
they would fill this book. In arithmetic and grammar I always skipped
the rules, and no scholar was ever yet found who liked to learn a rule
or could tell anything about it after it was learned.
I well remember what a fearful task it was to learn the rule for partial
payments in the old arithmetic. I could figure interest long before I
learned the rule; and although I now have no trouble in figuring
interest,—and if I have, some creditor does it for me,—still, to save my
life, I could not now repeat the rule for partial payments. When was
there ever a boy who knew how to do a sum, or parse a sentence, or
pronounce a word, because he knew the rules? We knew how because we knew
how, and that was all there was of the matter. Yet every detail of
conduct was taught in the same way as the rules in school.
I could not eat a single meal without the use of rules, and most of
these were violated when I had the chance. I distinctly remember that we
generally had pie for supper in our youthful days. Now we have dessert
for dinner, but then it was only pie for supper. Of course we never had
all the pie we wanted, and we used to nibble it slowly around the edges
and carefully eat toward the middle of the piece to make it last as long
as possible and still keep the pie-taste in our mouths.
I never could see why we should not have all the pie we could eat. It
was not because of its cost, for my mother made it herself, just the
same as bread. The only reason we could see was that we liked pie so
well. Of course we were told that pie was not good for us; but I have
always been told this about everything I liked to eat or do. Then, too,
my mother insisted that I should eat the pie after the rest of the meal
was done. Now, as a boy, I liked pie better than anything else that I
could get to eat; and I have not yet grown so old but that I still like
pie. I could see no reason why I should not eat my pie when I was hungry
for it and when it looked so good. My mother said I must first eat
potato and meat, and bread and butter; and when I had enough of these, I
could eat the pie. Now, of course, after eating all these things even
pie did not seem quite the same; my real appetite was gone before the
pie was reached. Then, too, if a boy ate everything else first, he might
never get to pie; he might be taken ill, or drop dead, or be sent from
the table, or one of the other boys might come along and he be forced to
choose between going swimming and eating pie,—whereas, if he began the
meal according to his taste and made sure of the pie, if anything else
should be missed it would not matter much.
Our whole lives were fashioned on the rules for eating pie. We were told
that youth was the time for work and study, so that we might rest when
we got old. Now, no boy ever cared to rest,—it is the very thing a boy
does not want to do; but still, by all the rules we ever heard, this was
the right way. Since I was a child I have never changed my mind. I do
not think the pie should be put off to the end of the meal. I always
think of my poor Aunt Mary, who saved her pie all through her life, and
died without eating it at last. And, besides all this, it is quite
possible that as we grow old our appetites will change, and we may not
care for pie at all; at least, the coarser fare that the hard and cruel
world is soon to serve up generously to us all is likely to make us lose
our taste for pie. For my part, I am sure that when my last hours come I
shall be glad that I ate all the pie I could get, and that if any part
of the meal is left untasted it shall be the bread and butter and
potatoes, and not the pie.
Of course we were told we should say “Yes, ma’am,” and “No, ma’am.” I
observe that this rule has been changed since I was young,—or possibly
it was the rule only in Farmington and such provincial towns. At any
rate, when I hear it now I look the second time to see if one of my old
schoolmates has come back to me. But I cannot see why it was necessary
for us to say “Yes, ma’am,” and “No, ma’am,” in Farmington, and so
necessary not to say them in the outside world.
But while the rule made us say “Yes, ma’am,” and “No, ma’am,” it did not
allow us to say much more. We were told that “Children should be seen
and not heard.” It was assumed that what we had to say was of no
account. As I was not very handsome when I was young, there was no
occasion for me to be either seen or heard. True, we were industriously
taught how to talk, yet we had no sooner learned than we were told that
we “must not speak unless spoken to.” It is true the conversation of
children may not be so very edifying,—but, for that matter, neither is
that of grown-up folk. It is quite possible that if children were
allowed to talk freely, they might have a part of their nonsense talked
out by the time they had matured; and then, too, they might learn much
that would improve the conversation of their later life. At any rate, if
a child was not meant to talk, his faculties of speech might properly be
withheld until a riper age.
To take off our hats in the house, to say “Thank you” and “Please” and
all such little things, were of course most strictly enjoined. It did
not occur to our elders that children were born imitators, or that they
could possibly be taught in any other way than by fixed rules.
The common moral precepts were always taught by rule. We must obey our
parents, and speak the truth. Just why we should do either was not made
clear, although the penalty of neglect was ever there. The longer I
live, the more I am convinced that children need not be taught to tell
the truth. The fact is, parents do not teach them to tell the truth, but
to lie. They tell the truth as naturally as they breathe, and it is only
the stupidity and brutality of parents and teachers that drive them to
tell lies. In high society and low, parents lie to children much oftener
than children lie to parents; it would not occur to a child to lie
unless someone made him feel the need of doing so.
I remember that when I was a child two things used to cause me the
greatest trouble. One was the fact that I had to go to bed so early at
night, and the other that I had to get up so early in the morning. I
have never known a natural child who was ready to go to bed at night or
to get up in the morning. I suppose this was because work came first,
and pie was put off to the end of the day; and we did not want to miss
any of the pie. Of course there were exceptions to the rule. We were
ready to get up in the gray dawn of the morning, to go a-fishing or
blackberrying, or to celebrate the Fourth of July, or on Christmas, or
to see a circus come to town, or on any such occasion. And likewise we
were ready to go to bed early the night before, so that we might be
ready to get up. I remember one of my lies in connection with getting up
in the morning. It was my father’s custom to call us some time before
breakfast, to help do the chores; and as this was work and the bed was
warm, we were never ready to get up. On this particular morning I was
called twice, but seemed to be sound asleep, and did not move. Thereupon
at the next call my father came up the stairs, saying, “You know what
you are going to get,” and asking why I had not come before. There was
nothing else to do, and so I promptly answered that I did not hear him
the first two times. Somehow I learned that he surmised or found out
that I had lied, and after this I regarded him as a sort of Sherlock
Holmes. I did not know then, any more than my father did, that the
reason I lied was that I was afraid of being whipped. Neither did my
parents, or any of the others, understand that to whip us for lying only
served to make us take more pains to conceal the truth.
We were given certain rules as to our treatment of animals. We were told
to be kind to them, but no effort was made to awaken the imagination of
the child so that in a way he might put himself in the place of the
helpless beings with whom he lived. I am sure that had this been done
the rule would not have been required.
In our association with each other, we were more simple and direct. When
we lied to each other, we soon found that our tales were disbelieved,
and thus the punishment was made to fit the crime. But among ourselves
we were generally truthful, no matter how long or persistently our
teachers and parents had made it seem best for us to lie. We knew that
the other boys cared very little for the things that parents and
teachers thought important; and, besides, we had no jurisdiction over
each other, except as the strongest and most quarrelsome might take for
himself, and against him we always had the right to combine for
self-defence.
I seem to be living again in the world of the little child, and so hard
is it to recross to that forgotten bourne that I cannot help wishing to
linger there. I remember that as I grew beyond the time to play
base-ball and to join in other still more youthful games, I now and then
had the rare privilege of revisiting these early scenes in sleep; and
often and often in my waking moments, when I realized that I dreamed and
yet half thought that all was real, I tried to keep my eyes tight shut
that I might still dream on. And if I can now and then forget my years
and feel again the life of the little child, why should I not cling to
the fond remembrance and tell the story which he is all too young to
make us understand?
It is rarely indeed that the child is able to prevent the sorrows of the
man or woman; and when he can prevent them, and really knows he can, no
man or woman ever looks in vain to him for sympathy or help. But the
happiness of the child is almost wholly in the keeping of men and women
of maturer years, and this charge is of the most sacred kind. If schools
for the education of children were closed, and those for the instruction
of parents were kept open, surely the world and the children would
profit by the change. No doubt men and women owe duties to themselves
that even their children have no right to take away; but these duties
are seldom inconsistent with the highest welfare of the child.
As I look back at the father and mother who nourished me, I know that
they were both wise and kind beyond others of my time and place; and yet
I know that many of my deepest sorrows would have been spared had they
been able to look across the span of years that divided them from me,
and in thought and feeling become as little children once again.
The joys of childhood are keen, and the sorrows of childhood are deep.
Years alone bring the knowledge that in thought and in feeling, as in
the heavens above, sunshine and clouds follow each other in quick
succession. In childhood the shadows are wholly forgotten in the
brilliant radiance of the sun, and the clouds are so deep as to obscure
for a time all the heavens above.
Over childhood, as over all the world, hangs the black pall of
punishment,—which is only another name for vengeance and hate. In my
day, and I fancy too often even now, parents believed that to “spare the
rod” was to “spoil the child.” It was not the refinement of cruelty that
made parents promise the child a whipping the next day or the next week,
it was only their ignorance and thoughtlessness; but many times I went
to bed to toss and dream of the promised punishment, and in the morning,
however bright the sunshine, the world was wrapped in gloom. Of course
it was seldom that the whipping was as severe as the fear that haunted
the mind of the child; but the punishment was really there from the time
it was promised until after it was given.
Few boys were mean enough to threaten to tell our parents or teacher of
our misdeeds, yet there were children who for days or even weeks would
hold this threat over their playmates and drag it forth on the slightest
provocation. But among children this species of cruelty was generally
condemned. We knew of no circumstances that could justify the threat to
tell, much less the telling. A “tattle-tale” was the most contemptible
of boys,—even more contemptible than a “cry-baby.” A “cry-baby” did not
rank much below a girl. Still, we would suffer a great deal without
flinching, to avoid this name.
In my time boys were not always so democratic as children are supposed
to be. Somehow children do pick up a great deal from their elders,
especially things they ought not to learn. I know that in our school
there was always the same aristocracy as in our town. The children of
the first families of the village were the first in the school. In games
and sports these would usually get the foremost places, and each one
soon knew where he belonged in the boys’ social scale. Certain boys were
carefully avoided,—sometimes for sanitary reasons, more often, I fancy,
for no reason at all. I am sure that all this discrimination caused the
child sorrow and suffering that he could in no way defend himself
against. So far from our teachers doing anything to show the cruelty and
absurdity of this caste spirit, it was generally believed that they were
kinder and more considerate and what we called “partial” to the children
of influential parents than to the rest. And we were perfectly sure that
this consideration had an important bearing on our marks.
As a general rule, we children did not care much to read; and, for that
matter, I am inclined to think that few healthy children do. A child
would rather do things, or see them done, than read about how someone
else has done them. So far as we did read, we always chose the things we
were told we should not read. No doubt this came from the general belief
that the imagination of children should be developed; and with the
ordinary teacher and parent this meant telling about fairies, giants,
and goblins, and sometimes even ghosts. These stories were always told
as if they were really true; and it was commonly believed that
cultivating the imagination of a child meant teaching him to see giants
instead of men, and fairies and goblins instead of beasts and birds. We
children soon came to doubt the whole brood of fairies, and we never
believed in ghosts except at night when there was no candle in the room,
and when we came near the graveyard. After these visions were swept
away, our minds turned to strong men, to kings and Indians and warriors,
and we read of them.
My parents often despaired about the rules that I would not learn or
keep, and the books I would not read. They did not seem to know that all
the rules ever made could cover only the very smallest fraction of the
conduct of a child or man, and that the one way to teach conduct was by
an appeal direct to the heart, an effort to place the child in harmony
with the life in which he lived. To teach children their duty by rule,
or develop their imaginations by stories of fairies and angels and
goblins, always was and always will be a hopeless task. But imagination
is more easily developed in the little child than in later years,
because the blood flows faster and the feelings are deeper and warmer in
our youth. The imagination of the child is aroused when it really feels
itself a part of all the living things with which its life is cast;
feels that it is of kin to the parents and teachers, the men and women,
the boys and girls, the beasts and birds, with whom it lives and
breathes and moves. If this thought and this feeling take possession of
the heart of the child, he will need no rules or lessons for his
conduct. It will become a portion of his life; and his associations with
his fellows, both human and animal, will be marked by consideration,
gentleness, and love.