_Saturday._--Things looking queer. Leamington in a ferment, Tories
denouncing _me_. Like their impudence. Must order ARTHUR BALFOUR to
stop this nonsense, and bring rebels to reason. I shall want Hythe
thrown into the bargain. BALFOUR must write more letters. If our
little lot are to get nothing out of all this, what's the use of
having sacrificed principles and COURTNEY? Obviously none. JESSE
COLLINGS quite agrees. Says the Tories will repent, when it is too
late, of having refused to submit to the greatest, wisest, most
generous and noblest statesman of this or any other age, past
or future. Wonderful amount of sense in JESSE. Shall make him
Governor-General of India, or First Lord of Admiralty.
[Illustration]
_Monday._--Have seen BALFOUR. Says he can do nothing at Leamington.
Wanted me to withdraw Liberal Unionist candidate. ME! The mere notion
ridiculous. Told him so. Also asked him how about Compact. He said
"Compact be ----". At this moment GOSCHEN came in, and interrupted.
BALFOUR said missing word was "observed." GOSCHEN full of sympathy,
but said he could do nothing. Shall not allow him to be Chancellor of
Exchequer again. Shall be Chancellor of Exchequer myself. Letter
in _Times_ from GEOFFREY DRAGE, saying kind things about me. Rather
patronising, but well meant. Shall make DRAGE Home Secretary.
_Tuesday._--Letter in _Times_ from Lord TEYNHAM attacking me on
account of vote on Welsh Disestablishment. Even a fool of a lord
might know a man can't wriggle out of everything, and can't please
everybody. Have written to SALISBURY ordering him to throw TEYNHAM
into the Tower as soon as Unionist Government in power. If he refuses,
shall accept Premiership myself and execute TEYNHAM on Tower Hill.
Leamington still raging. If this goes on shall march at head of
Birmingham Fencibles and rase Leamington to the ground--all except
three houses said to belong to Liberal Unionists. That'll teach them
to oppose _me_.
_Wednesday._--Letter in _Times_ from BYRON REED. Says I'm not so bad
as they want to make me out. Nice sensible fellow BYRON. Shall make
him Minister of Agriculture. Have sent ultimatums to SALISBURY,
BALFOUR, AKERS-DOUGLAS, MICHAEL HICKS-BEACH, and CHAPLIN, ordering
them to retire from public life. Shall run the show on entirely
different lines with AUSTEN and JESSE to help me. Have heard from
editor of _New Review_, who refuses to disclose name of author, of an
attack on me. Have sent HENRY JAMES to editor with new patent rack
and thumbscrews. But there, my name's easy. Never could bear malice.
Always forgive everybody.... Notes from SALISBURY, BALFOUR & CO. They
refuse to retire. HENRY JAMES returns. Editor broke rack and threw
thumbscrews out of window. A very rude man, HENRY JAMES says. GULLY
elected Speaker. I'm off to Birmingham.
* * *
_Later._--Letter from HART DYKE in the _Times_. A good fellow, HART
DYKE. But why, in the name of screw-nails, should they all presume to
patronise _me?_
* * *
Letter in _Standard_ from STANLEY BOULTER. Must stop that kind of
nonsense. Leading article in _Standard_. Usual futilities: "We fully
recognise loyal services, but on the present occasion," &c. Shall
refuse peerage and retire to Central Australia with JESSE to found a
Me-colony. Sick of the whole show.
* * * * *
QUEER QUERY.--ANY ADVANCE?--I see that at the Shop Assistants'
Conference at Cardiff it was said that what shop-workers ought to go
in for was a "Forward Policy." Surely this must be a mistake? If there
is one thing that everybody objects to, it is forward young men and
women behind the counter. One often hears the shop-walker say, "Will
you come forward, Miss JONES, and serve this lady!" And perhaps _that_
was what the Cardiff people were thinking of. Can this be the true
explanation? I sincerely hope so; I don't want a "forward" young
person, a sort of "independent labour party," slamming down goods for
_me_ to inspect!--ALARMED.
* * * * *