"About a year later (having persisted in this promise) I made

overtures to him, but he refused. I then commended his conduct,

and said I knew he was quite right, and begged him to refuse

again if I should ever suggest it. I did not ever suggest it

again. For many years I bitterly reproached myself for having

corrupted him. However, I do not think any harm has been done

him. But my self-reproaches have caused me to feel I owe some

reparation to him. I also have more affection for him than for my

other brothers and sisters.

"At the age of 15 I went to one of the large public schools. I

was fairly forward for my age, and entered high. But I made small

progress. I had bad reports; I was 'slack in games,' and not

popular among the boys. In fact, I stood still, so that when I

left I was backward in comparison with other boys of even less

natural intelligence.

"The teaching was certainly bad. Moreover, I had not any friends,

and this made me very sensitive. It was to a great extent my

fault. When I first went there I was taken up by a set above

me--boys who were 'senior' to me in standing. When they left I

found myself alone.

"My unpopularity was increased by my being considered to put on

'side'; also because I paid attention to my dress.

"At the public school I had homosexual relations with various

boys, usually without any passion. With one boy, however, I was

deeply in love for over a year; I thought of him, dreamed of him,

would have been content only to kiss him. But my courtship met

with no success.

"When carrying on with other boys the desire to reach the crisis

was not always strong, perhaps out of shyness or modesty.

Occasionally I had intercrural connection, which gave me the

first intimation of what intercourse with a woman was like. When

I masturbated in solitude I used to continue till the orgasm.

"My housemaster one day sent for me and said he had walked

through my cubicle and noticed a stain on the sheet. At this time

I used to have nocturnal emissions. I cannot remember whether on

this occasion the stain was due to one, or to masturbation. But I

imagined that one did not have 'wet dreams' unless one

masturbated. So when he went on to say that this was a proof that

I was immoral I acknowledged I masturbated. He then told me I

would injure my health--possibly 'weaken my heart,' or 'send

myself mad'; he said that he would ask me to promise never to do

it again.

"I promised. I left humiliated and ashamed of myself; also

generally frightened. He used to send for me every now and then,

and ask me if I had kept my promise. For some months I did. Then

I relapsed, and told him when he asked me. Ultimately he ceased

sending for me--apparently convinced either that I was cured or

that I was incorrigible.

"A year or so afterward he discovered in my study (for I was now

in the upper school and had a study) a French photograph that a

boy had given me, entitled '_Qui est dans ma chambre?_' It

represented a man going by mistake into the wrong bedroom; inside

the room was a woman, in nightdress, in an attitude that

suggested she had just been relieving herself. My housemaster

told me the picture was terribly indecent, and that, taken with

what he knew of my habits, it showed I was not a safe boy to be

in the school. He added that he did not wish to make trouble at

home, but that he advised me to get my parents to remove me at

the end of that term, instead of the following term, when, in the

ordinary course of things, I should have left.

"I wrote to my people to say I was miserable at school, and I was

removed at the end of that term.

"My first case of true heterosexual passion was with a girl

called D., whom I first knew when she was about 16. My family and

hers were friendly. My attraction to her soon became a matter of

common knowledge and joking to members of my family. She was a

dark, passionate-looking child, with large eyes that--to

me--seemed full of an inner knowledge of sexual mysteries.

Precocious, vain, jealous, untruthful--those were qualities in

her that I myself soon recognized. But the very fact that she was

not conventionally 'goody-goody' proved an attraction to me.

"I never openly made love to her, but I delighted to be near her.

Our ages were sufficiently separated for this to be noticeable. I

dreamed of her, and my highest ideal of blessedness was to kiss

her and tell her I loved her. I heard that she had been

discovered talking indecently in a w.c. to some little boys, sons

of a friend of my family's. The knowledge of this precocity on

her part intensified my fascination for her.

"When I left home to return to school I kissed her--the only

time. Absence did nothing to diminish my affection. I thought of

her all day long, at work or at play. I wrote her a letter--not

openly passionate, but my real feelings toward her must have been

apparent. I found out afterward that her mother opened the

letter.

"When I returned home for the holidays her mother asked me not;

to write her any letters and not to pay attentions to her, as I

might 'spoil her.' I promised. I was, of course, greatly

distressed.

"D. used to come to our house to see my younger sister. She had

clearly been warned by her mother not to allow me to speak to

her. I was too nervous to make any advances; besides, I had

promised. As I grew older, my passion died out. I have hardly

ever seen her since. She married some years ago. I still retain

sentimental feelings toward her.

"I was now 18; I had stopped growing and was fairly broad and

healthy. Intellectually I was rather precocious, though not

ambitious. But I was no good at games, had no tastes for physical

exercises, and no hobbies.

"During the holidays, in my last year at school, I had gone to

the Royal Aquarium with a school companion. This was followed by

one or two visits to the Empire Theatre. It was then that I first

discovered that sexual intercourse took place outside the limits

of married life. On one occasion my friend talked to one of the

women who were walking about. This same friend spoke to a

prostitute at Oxford. (At this time I went up to the university.)

Once or twice I met this girl. She used to ask about my friend.

My feelings toward her were a combination of admiration for her

physical beauty, a sense of the 'mystery' of her life, and pity

for her isolated position.

"On the whole, my first university term produced considerable

improvement in me. I began to be interested in my work and to

read a fair amount of general literature. I learned to bicycle

and to row. I also made one intimate friend.

"In my first holiday I went to the Empire and made the

acquaintance of a girl there, W.H. She attracted me by her quiet

appearance. I eventually made arrangements to pay her a visit. My

apprehensions consisted of: 1. Fear of catching venereal disease.

This I decided to safeguard by using a 'French letter.' 2. Fear

that she might have a 'bully.'

"The girl showed no sexual desire; but at that time this did not

attract my attention.

"I got very much 'gone' on her, paid her several visits, gave her

some presents I could ill afford, and felt very distressed when

she informed me she was to be married and therefore could not see

me any more.

"My experiences with prostitutes cover a period of twelve years.

During three years of this period I was continually in their

company. I have had intercourse with some two dozen; in some

cases only once; in others on numerous occasions. They have

usually been of the class that frequent Piccadilly, St. James

Restaurant, the Continental Hotel, and the Dancing Clubs. Usual

fee, £2 for the night; in one case, £5.

"1. Not one of them, as far as I knew, was a drunkard.

"2. As a rule, they were not mercenary or dishonest.

"3. In their language and general behavior they compared

favorably with respectable women.

"4. I never caught venereal disease.

"5. I twice caught pediculi.

"6. I did not find them, as a rule, very sensual or fond of

indecent talk. As a rule, they objected to stripping naked; they

did not touch my organs; they did not suggest masturbation,

sodomy, or _fellatio_. They seldom exhibited transports, but the

better among them seemed sentimental and affectionate.

"7. Their accounts of their first fall were nearly always the

same. They got to know a 'gentleman,' often by his addressing

them in the street; he took them about to dinners and theatres;

they were quite innocent and even ignorant; on one occasion they

drank too much; and before they knew what was happening they were

no longer virgins. They do not, however, apparently round on the

man or expose him or refuse to have anything more to do with him.

"8. They state--in common with the outwardly 'respectable' women

whom I have had a chance of catechising--that before the first

intercourse they did not feel any conscious desire for

intercourse and hardly devoted any thought to it, that it was

very painful the first time, and that some time elapsed before

they commenced to derive pleasure from it or to experience the

orgasm.

"E.B. was the second woman I had intercourse with. She was a

prostitute, but very young (about 18) and had only been in London

a few months. I met her first in the St. James Restaurant. I

spoke a few words to her. The next day I saw her in the

Burlington Arcade. I was not much attracted to her; she was

pretty, in a coarse, buxom style; vulgar in manners, voice, and

dress. She asked me to go home with her; I refused. She pressed

me; I said I had no money. She still urged me, just to drive home

with her and talk to her while she dressed for the evening. I

consented. We drove to lodgings in Albany Street. We went in. She

proceeded to kiss me. I remained cold, and told her again I had

no money. She then said: 'That does not matter. You remind me of

a boy I love. I want you to be my fancy boy.' I was flattered by

this. I saw a good deal of her. She was sentimental. I never gave

her any money. When I had some, she refused to take it, but

allowed me to spend a little in buying her a present. On the

night before I left London she wept. She wrote me illiterate, but

affectionate letters. One day she wrote to me that she was to be

kept by a man, but that she had made it a condition with him that

she should be allowed to have me. I had never been in love with

her, because of her vulgarity. I therefore took the earliest

opportunity of letting matters cool, by not writing often, etc.

The next thing I remember was my fascination, a few months later,

for S.H.

"She was not a regular prostitute. She had taken a very minor

part in light opera. She was American by birth, young, slim, and

spoke like a lady. Her hair was dyed; her breasts padded. She

acted sentiment, but was less affectionate than E.B. I met her

when she was out of a job. I gave her £2 whenever I met her. She

was not mercenary. She was sensual. I became very much in love

with her. I discovered her, however, writing letters to a fellow

whom I had met one day when I was walking with her. He was only

an acquaintance, but the brother of my most intimate friend. What

I objected to was that in this letter to him she protested she

did not care for me, but could not afford to give me up. She had

to plead guilty, but I was so fascinated by her I still kept in

with her, for a time, until she was kept by a man, and I had

found other women to interest me.

"Owing to the strict regulations made by the university

authorities, prostitutes find it hard to make a living there, and

I never had anything to do with one. My adventures were among the

shopgirl class, and were of a comparatively innocent nature. One

of them, however, M.S., a very undemonstrative shopgirl, was the

only girl not a prostitute with whom I had so far had

intercourse.

"About this time I made the acquaintance of three other

prostitutes, who, however, were nice, gentle, quiet girls,

neither vulgar nor mercenary. A night passed with them always

meant to me much more than mere intercourse. They

were--especially two of them--of a sentimental nature, and would

go to sleep in my arms. There was, on my part, not any passion,

but a certain sympathy with them, and pity and affection. I

remained faithful to the first, J.H., until she was kept by a

man, and gave up her gentlemen friends. Then came D.V. She got in

the family way and left London. Last, M.P. She was not pretty,

but a good figure, well dressed, a bright conversationalist, and

an intelligent mind. Her regular price for the night was £5, but

when she got to know one she would take one for less and take

one 'on tick.' She was very sensual. On one occasion, between 11

P.M. and about midday the following day I experienced the orgasm

eleven or twelve times.

"During term time I was often prevented from having women by want

of money and absence from London. I considered myself lucky if I

could have a woman once or twice a month. My allowance was not

large enough to admit of such luxuries; and I was only able to do

what I did by being economical in my general expenditure and

living, and by running up bills for whatever I could get on

credit. I lived in the hopes of picking up 'amateurs' who would

give me what I wanted for the love of it and without payment. My

efforts were not very successful at present, except in the case

of M.S. I considered myself very lucky in having discovered her,

and I should have stuck to her for longer but for the rival

attraction of another. There was, however, no deep sentiment on

either side.

"But in order to preserve a continuity in my account of the

women, I have left out two cases of temporary reversion to

homosexual practices. During the periods when I could not get a

woman I had recourse once more to masturbation. At times I had

'wet dreams' in which boys figured; and my thoughts, in waking

hours, sometimes reverted to memories of my school experiences. I

think, however, that I should have preferred a woman."

The homosexual reversions were as follows:--

"1. I had arranged to meet a shopgirl one evening, outside the

town. She did not turn up. The meeting place was a railway

bridge. Waiting there too, a few feet from me, was a boy of about

15. He was employed (I afterward found) by a gardener, and was

waiting to meet his brother, who was engaged on the line. I got

into casual conversation with him, and suddenly found myself

wondering whether he ever masturbated. With a feeling, that I can

only describe by calling it an intuition, I moved nearer him, and

asked: 'Do you ever play with yourself?' He did not seem

surprised at the abruptness of my question, and answered 'yes.' I

thereupon touched his penis, and _found he had an erection_! I

suggested retiring to a bench that was near. We sat down. I

masturbated him till he experienced the orgasm; then

intercrurally. I gave him a shilling, and said good night.

"2. During my last summer at the university I took to gardening.

There was a small piece of garden behind the house in which I had

lodgings. My landlady suggested getting a cousin of hers,

employed by a nurseryman, to supply me with plants, etc. He was a

youth of about 16 or 17, tall, dark, not bad favored in looks. I

forget how many times I saw him--not many, perhaps twice or

thrice; but one day, when he came to see me in my room, about

something connected with the garden, I gave him some old clothes

of mine. He was a great deal taller than myself, and I suggested

his trying on the trousers to see if they would fit. I do not

know whether I made this suggestion with any ulterior motive or

whether I had ever before thought of him in connection with any

sexual relations. I only know that once more, as if guided by

instinct, I felt he would not rebuff me, although certainly no

indecent talk had ever taken place between us. I pretended to

help him to pull up the trousers, and let my hand touch his

penis. He did not resist; and I felt his penis for a few seconds.

I then proposed he should come upstairs to my bedroom. No one was

in the house. We went up. He did not at first have an erection. I

asked why. He said 'because you are strange to me.' He then felt

my penis. Eventually we mutually masturbated one another. I gave

him half a crown.

"Some short time afterward he came again to the house. On this

occasion I attempted _fellatio_. I don't think I had at that time

ever heard of such a practice. He said, however, he did not like

it. He masturbated intercrurally. He said he had never done this

before, although he had had girls. (The other boy also told me he

had had girls.)

"3. On another occasion I was out bicycling. A boy, of about 10

years of age, offered me a bunch of violets for a penny. I told

him I would give him a shilling to pick me a large bunch. I am

not sure if I had any ulterior motive. He proceeded into a wood

on the side of the road; I dismounted from my machine and

followed him. He was a pretty, dark boy. He made water. I went up

to him and asked him to let me feel his penis. He at once jumped

away, and ran off shrieking. I was frightened, mounted my

bicycle, and rode as fast as I could home.

"There was no sentiment in the above cases. It is also to be

noted that in neither instance did I make any arrangements to see

the person again. As far as I can remember, when once I was

satisfied I felt disgust for my act. In the case of women this

was never so.

"Two of the women described in the foregoing pages stand out

above the others. Perhaps I have not sufficiently shown that in

the cases of W.H. and S.H. I felt a considerable degree of

_passion_. W.H. was the first woman with whom I had had

intercourse; this invested her in my heart, with a peculiar

sentiment. In neither case can I be accused of fickleness.

Indeed, I may say that up to this time I had had no opportunity

of being fickle. I never saw enough, or had enough, of a woman to

get a surfeit of her.

"The case I now come to presents the features of the cases of

W.H. and S.H. in a stronger form. I was then 20; I have since

then married; I am a father; my experiences have been many and

varied; but still I must confess that no other woman has ever

stirred my emotions more than--I doubt if as much as--D.C. Up to

date, if there has been any grand passion in my life, it is my

love for her. D.C., when I got to know her--by talking to her in

the street--was a girl of about 20. She was short and plump; dark

hair; dark, mischievous eyes; a fair complexion; small features;

quiet manners, and a sensual _ensemble_. I do not know what her

father was. He was dead, her mother kept a university lodging

house. She spoke and behaved like a lady. She dressed quietly;

was absolutely unmercenary; her intelligence--i.e., her

intellectual calibre--was not great. Her master-passion was one

thing. The first evening I walked out with her she put her hand

down on my penis, before I had even kissed her, and proposed

intercourse. I was surprised, almost embarrassed; she herself led

me to a wall, and standing up made me do it.

"Next day we went away for the day together. I may say she was

_always_ ready and never satisfied. She was sensual rather than

sentimental. She was ready to shower her favors anywhere and to

anyone. My feelings toward her soon became affectionate and

sentimental, and then passionate. I thought of nothing else all

day long; wrote her long letters daily; simply lived to see her.

"I found she was engaged to be married. Her _fiancé_, a

schoolmaster, himself used to have intercourse with her, but he

had taken a religious turn and thought it was wicked to do it

until they married. I had intercourse with her on every possible

occasion: in private rooms at hotels, in railway carriages, in a

field, against a wall, and--when the holidays came--she stayed a

night with me in London. She had apparently no fear of getting in

the family way, and never used any precaution. Sensual as she

was, she did not show her feelings by outward demonstration.

"On one occasion she proposed _fellatio_. She said she had done

it to her _fiancé_ and liked it. This is the only case I have

known of a woman wishing to do it for the love of it.

"The emotional tension on my nerves--the continual jealousy I was

in, the knowledge that before long she would marry and we must

part--eventually caused me to get ill. She never told me she

loved me more than any other man; yet, owing to my importunity,

she saw much more of me than anyone else. It came to the ears of

her _fiancé_ that she was in my company a great deal; there was a

meeting of the three of us--convened at his wish--at which she

had formally, before him, to say 'good-bye' to me. Yet we still

continued to meet and to have intercourse.

"Then the date of her marriage drew near. She wrote me saying that

she could not see me any more. I forced myself, however, on her,

and our relations still continued. Her elder sister interviewed

me and said she would inform the authorities unless I gave her

up; a brother, too, came to see me and made a row.

"I had what I seriously intended to be a last meeting with her.

But after that she came up to London to see me, we went to a

hotel together. We arranged to see one another again, but she did

not write. I had now left the university. I heard she was

married.

"It was now four years since I had first had intercourse with a

woman. During this time I was almost continually under the

influence, either of a definite love affair or of a general

lasciviousness and desire for intercourse with women. My

character and life were naturally affected by this. My studies

were interfered with; I had become extravagant and had run into

debt. It is worthy of note that I had never up to this time

considered the desirability of marriage. This was perhaps chiefly

because I had no means to marry. But even in the midst of my

affairs I always retained sufficient sense to criticise the moral

and intellectual calibre of the women I loved, and I held strong

views on the advisability of mental and moral sympathies and

congenital tastes existing between people who married. In my

amours I had hitherto found no intellectual equality or

sympathies. My passion for D.C. was prompted by (1) the bond that

sexual intercourse with a woman has nearly always produced in my

feelings, (2) her physical beauty, (3) that she was sensual, (4)

that she was a lady, (5) that she was young, (6) that she was not

mercenary. It was kept alive by the obstacles in the way of my

seeing her enough and by her engagement to another.

"The D.C. affair left me worn out emotionally. I reviewed my life

of the last four years. It seemed to show much more heartache,

anxiety, and suffering than pleasure. I concluded that this

unsatisfactory result was inseparable from the pursuit of

illegitimate amours. I saw that my work had been interfered with,

and that I was in debt, owing to the same cause. Yet I felt that

I could never do without a woman. In this quandary I found myself

thinking that marriage was the only salvation for me. Then I

should always have a woman by me. I was sufficiently sensible to

know that unless there were congenial tastes and sympathies, a

marriage could not turn out happily, especially as my chief

interests in life (after woman) were literature, history, and

philosophy. But I imagined that if I could find a girl who would

satisfy the condition of being an intellectual companion to me,

all my troubles would be over; my sexual desire would be

satisfied, and I could devote myself to work.

"In this frame of mind I turned my thoughts more seriously in the

direction of a girl whom I had known for some two years. Her age

was nearly the same as mine. My family and hers were acquainted

with one another. I had established a platonic friendship with

her. Undoubtedly the prime attraction was that she was young and

pretty. But she was also a girl of considerable character.

Without being as well educated as I was, she was above the

average girl in general intelligence. She was fond of reading;

books formed our chief subject of conversation and common

interest. She was, in fact, a girl of more intelligence than I

had yet encountered. On her side, as I afterward discovered, the

interest in me was less purely platonic. Our relations toward one

another were absolutely correct. Yet we were intimate, informal,

and talked on subjects that would be considered forbidden topics

between two young persons by most people. I felt she was a true

friend. She, too, confided to me her troubles.

"We corresponded with one another frequently. Sometimes it

occurred, to me that it was rather strange she should be so keen

to write to me, to hear from me, and to see me; but I had never

thought of her, consciously, except as a friend; I never for a

moment imagined she thought of me except as an interesting and

intelligent friend. Nor did the idea of illicit love ever suggest

itself to me. She was one of those women whose face and

expression put aside any such thought. I was, indeed, inclined to

regard her as a good influence on me, but as passionless. I

confided to her the affair of D.C., which took place during our

acquaintance. She was distressed, but sympathetic and not

prudish. I did not suspect the cause of her distress; I thought

it was owing to her disappointment in the ideals she had formed

of me. She invited me to join her and her family for a part of

the summer (I had now left the university, having obtained my

degree in low honors) and I decided to join them. At this stage

there began to impress itself on my mind the possibility that she

cared for me; also the desirability, if that were so, of becoming

engaged to her. I found my feelings became warmer. On several

occasions we found ourselves alone. Then, one day, our talk

became more personal, more tender; and I kissed her. I do

recollect distinctly the thought flashing through my mind, as she

allowed me to kiss her, that she was not after all the

passionless and 'straight' girl I had thought. But the idea must

have been a very temporary one; it did not return; she declared

her love for me; and without any express 'proposal' on my part we

walked home that afternoon mutually taking it for granted that we

were engaged. I was happy, and calmly happy; proud and elated.

"Circumstances now made it necessary for me to make money for

myself and I was forced to enter a profession for which I had

never felt any attraction; indeed, I had never considered the

possibility of it, until I became engaged, and saw I must support

myself if I were ever to marry. I worked hard, and rapidly

improved my position.

"I think I am correct in stating that from the day I became

engaged my sexual troubles seemed to have ceased. My thoughts and

passions were centred on one woman. We wrote to one another

twice every week, and as far as I was concerned every thought and

feeling I had I told her, and the receipt of her letters was for

me the event of my life for nearly three years. My anxiety in

connection with my work used up a great deal of my energy, and,

although I looked forward to the time when I should have a woman

at my side every night, my sexual desires were in abeyance. Nor

did I feel any desire or temptation for other women.

"I masturbated, but not frequently. Generally I did it to the

accompaniment of images or scenes associated with my betrothed,

sometimes the act was purely auto-erotic. My leisure time was

devoted to reading.

"On only one occasion did I have intercourse with a woman during

my engagement (three years); it was with a girl whose

acquaintance I had made at the university and who asked me to

come to see her.

"I married at the age of 24. Looking back on the early days of my

married life it is now a matter of surprise to me that I was so

far from exhibiting the transports of passion which since then

have accompanied any intercourse with a new woman. Partly I was

frightened of shocking her; partly my three years of comparative

abstinence had chastened me. It was some weeks before I ever saw

my wife entirely naked; I never touched her parts with my hand

for many months; and after the first few weeks I did not have

intercourse with her frequently.

"Perhaps this was to be expected. The basis of my affection for

her had always been a moral or mental one rather than physical,

although she was a handsome, well-made girl. Besides, money and

other worries kept my thoughts busy, as well as struggles to make

both ends meet.

"Indeed, I may say my sexual nature seemed to be dying out. When

I had been married less than six months I discovered that sexual

intercourse with my wife no longer meant what sexual intercourse

used to mean--no excitement or exaltation or ecstasy. My wife

perhaps contributed to this by her attitude. She confessed

afterward to me that for the first week or so she positively

dreaded bedtime, so physically painful was intercourse to her;

that it was many weeks, if not months, before she experienced the

orgasm. For the first year and more of marriage she could not

endure touching my penis. This at first disappointed me; then

annoyed and finally almost disgusted me.

"Later on, she learned to experience the orgasm. But she was very

undemonstrative during the act, and it was seldom that the orgasm

occurred simultaneously; she took a much longer time.

"I ceased to think about sexual matters. When I had been married

about three years I was aware that, in my case, marriage meant

the loss of all mad ecstasy in the act. I knew that if I had no

work to do, and plenty of money, and temptation came my way, I

should like to have another woman. But there was no particular

woman to enchain my fancy and I did not have time or money or

inclination to hunt for one.

"At times I masturbated. Sometimes I did this to the

accompaniment of homosexual desires or memories of the past. Then

I got my wife to masturbate me.

"About four years after marriage I got a woman from Piccadilly

Circus to do _fellatio_. I had never had this done before. She

did not do it genuinely, but used her fingers.

"As stated above various anxieties, the fact that I could always

satisfy my physical desires, all served to calm me. I was also

interested in my work and had become ambitious to improve my

position and was very energetic.

"On the whole, notwithstanding money worries, the first four or

five years of my married life were the happiest in my life.

Certainly I was very free from sexual desires; and the general

effect of marriage was to make me economical, energetic,

ambitious, and unselfish. I was certainly overworked. I seldom

got to bed before 1 or 2; my meals were irregular; and I became

worried and nervous. At the beginning of my fifth year of married

life I got run down, and had a severe illness, and at one time my

life was in danger, but I had a fairly rapid convalescence.

"My illness was critical, in more senses than one. My

convalescence was accompanied by a remarkable recrudescence of my

sexual feelings. I will trace this in detail: 1. As I got

well--but while still in bed--I found myself experiencing, almost

continually, violent erections. These were at first of an

auto-erotic character, and I masturbated myself, thus gaining

relief to my nerves. 2. I also found my thoughts tending toward

sexual images, and I felt a desire toward my nurse. I first

became conscious of this when I noticed that I experienced an

erection during the time that she was washing me. I mentioned the

matter to my doctor, who told me not to worry, and said the

symptoms were usual in the circumstances. 3. When I got up and

about I found myself desiring very keenly to have intercourse

with my wife. I can almost say that I felt more sexually excited

than I had done for four or five years. As soon, however, as I

had had intercourse with my wife a few times I felt my desire

toward her cease. 4. My thoughts now centered on having a woman

to do _fellatio_, and as soon as I was well enough to go out I

got a prostitute to do this.

"Just before I was ill my wife had a child, which was born with

more than one abnormality. No doubt the shock and worry caused by

this got me into a low state and predisposed me to my illness.

But the consequences were farther reaching still. The child

underwent an operation, and my wife had to take her away into the

country for nearly six weeks, so as to give her better air. I was

left alone in London, for the first time since my marriage. The

worry in connection with the child, and the heavy expense, served

to keep me nervously upset after I had apparently recovered

physically from the illness. Once more I found myself thinking

about women. As an additional factor in the situation I became

friendly with an old college-chum whom I had not seen much of for

many years. He lived the life of a fashionable young bachelor and

was at the time keeping a woman. The only common interest between

us was women. I found myself reverting to the old condition of

rampant lust that had been such a curse to me in my university

days. Some books he lent me had a decided effect. They gave me

erections; and it was on top of the excitement thus engendered

that one day I got a woman to do _fellatio_, as already

mentioned. Moreover, since my illness, I found all my previous

energy and ambition had gone.

"I have stated that I was in London alone with two servants. The

housemaid was a young girl; nice looking, with beautiful eyes and

a sensual expression. She had been with us for about a year. I

cannot remember when I first thought of her in a sexual way. But

one evening I suddenly felt a desire for her. I talked to her; I

found my voice trembling; I let my hand, as if by accident, touch

hers; she did not withdraw it; and in a second I had kissed her.

She did not resist. I took her on my knee, and tried to take

liberties, which she resisted, and I desisted.

"Next day I kissed her again, and put my hand inside her breasts.

The same evening I took her to an exhibition. On the way home, in

a hansom cab, I made her masturbate me. This was followed by a

feeling of great relief, elation, and _pride_.

"Next morning, when she came up to my bedroom to call me, I

kissed and embraced her; she allowed me to take liberties, and,

reassuring her by saying I would use a preventive, I had

intercourse with her. She flinched somewhat. She then told me she

was at her period and that she had never had intercourse with a

man before.

"During the next few weeks I found her an adept pupil, though

always shy and undemonstrative. I took her to a hotel, and

experienced the intensest pleasure I had ever had in undressing

her. I had lately heard about _cunnilingus_. I now did it to her.

I soon found I experienced very great pleasure in this, as did

she. (I had attempted it with my wife, but found it disgusted

me.) I also had intercourse _per anum_. (This again was an act I

had heard about, but had never been able to regard as

pleasurable. But books I had been reading stated it was most

pleasant both to man and woman.) She resisted at first, finding

it hurt her much; it excited me greatly; and when I had done it

in this way several times she herself seemed to like it,

especially if I kept my hand on her clitoris at the same time.

"My relations with the housemaid, with whom I cannot pretend that

I was in love, were only put an end to by satiety, and when I

went away for my holidays I was utterly exhausted. This was,

however, only the first of a series of relationships, at least

one of which deeply stirred my emotional nature. These

experiences, however, it is unnecessary to detail. There have

also been occasional homosexual episodes.

"I think I am now in a much healthier condition than I have been

for some years. (I assume that it is _not_ healthy for all one's

thoughts to be always occupied on sexual subjects.) The

conclusion I come to is that I can live a normal, healthy life,

devoting my thoughts to my work, and finding pleasure in

friendship, in my children, in reading, and in other sources of

amusement, as long as I can have occasional relations with a

young girl--i.e., about once a week. But if this outlet for my

sexual emotions is stopped sexual thoughts obsess my brain; I

become both useless and miserable.

"I have never regretted my marriage. Not only do I feel that life

without a wife and home and children would be miserable, but I

entertain feelings of great affection toward my wife. We are well

suited to one another; she is a woman of character and

intelligence; she looks after my home well, is a sensible and

devoted mother, and understands me. I have never met a woman I

would have sooner married. We have many tastes and likings in

common, and--what is not possible with most women--I can, as a

rule, speak to her about my feelings and find a listener who

understands.

"On the other hand, all passion and sentiment have died out. It

seems to me that this is inevitable. Perhaps it is a good thing

this should be so. If men and women remained in the state of

erotic excitement they are in when they marry, the business and

work of the world would go hang. Unfortunately, in my case this

very erotic excitement is the chief thing in life that appeals to

me!

"The factors that in my case have produced this death of passion

and sentiment are as follows:--

"1. Familiarity. When one is continually in the company of a

person all novelty dies out. In the case of husband and wife, the

husband sees his wife every day; at all times and seasons;

dressed, undressed; ill; good tempered, bad tempered. He sees her

wash and perform other functions; he sees her naked whenever he

likes; he can have intercourse with her whenever he feels

inclined. How can love (as I use the expression--i.e., sexual

passion) continue?

"2. Satiety. I am of a 'hot,' sensual disposition, inclined to

excess, as far as my health and nerves are concerned. The

appetite gets jaded.

"3. Absence of strong sexual reciprocity on the part of my wife.

I have referred to this above. She likes intercourse, but she is

never outwardly demonstrative. She has naturally a chaste mind.

She never is guilty of those little indecencies which affect some

men a great deal. She does not like talking of these things; and

she tells me that if I died, she would never want to have

intercourse again with anyone. At times, especially recently, she

has even asked me to have intercourse with her, or to masturbate

her; but it is seldom that the orgasm occurs contemporaneously.

In this respect she is different from other women I knew, in whom

the mere fact that the orgasm was occurring in me at once

produced it in them. At the same time I doubt whether even strong

sexual reciprocity would have retained my passion for long.

"4. During the early years of our married life money worries

caused at times disagreements, reproaches and quarrels. Passion

and sentiment are fragile and cannot stand these things.

"5. The fact that I had already had other women diminished the

feeling of awe with which many regard the sexual act and the

violation of sexual conventions.

"6. Loss of beauty. Loss of figure is, I fear, inseparable from

childbearing especially if the woman works hard. We have always

had servants, still my wife has always worked hard, at sewing,

etc.

"I have stated that I entertain feelings of respect and

admiration for my wife. But I almost _loathe_ the idea of

intercourse with her. I would sooner masturbate, and think of

another woman than have intercourse with her. It causes nausea in

me to touch her private parts. Yet with other women it affords me

mad pleasure to kiss them, every part of their bodies. But my

wife still feels for me the love she had when we first married.

There lies the tragedy."

The following narrative is a continuation of History XII in the previous

volume:--

HISTORY III.--I had become good looking. For a time I knew what

it was to have loving looks from every woman I met, and being

saner and healthier I would seem to be moving in a divine

atmosphere of color and fragrance, pearly teeth and bright eyes.

Even the old women with daughters looked at me amiably--married

women with challenge and maidens with Paradise in their eyes.

"I was standing one morning at St. Peter's corner, with two young

friends, when a girl went by, coming over from the Roman Catholic

cathedral. When she had passed she looked back, with that

imperious swing that is almost a command, at me, as my friends

distinctly admitted. They advised me to follow her; I did so, and

she turned a pretty, blushing face and pair of dark gray eyes,

with just the kind of eyebrows I liked: brown, very level, rather

thick, but long. Her teeth and mouth were perfect, and she spoke

with a slight Irish brogue. She let me do all the talking while

she took my measure. God knows what she saw in me! I spoke in an

affected manner, I remember, imitating some swell character I had

seen on the stage a night or two before, but I was wise enough

not to talk too much and to behave myself. She promised to meet

me again and made the appointment. She was a school-teacher and

engaged to be married to some one else. She meant to amuse

herself her own way before she married. The second night I met

her she allowed me to kiss her as much as I liked and promised

all her favors for the third night. We took a long walk, and in

the dark she gave herself to me, but I hurt her so much I had to

stop two or three times. She had had connection only once, years

before, when at school herself. She was inclined to be sensual,

but she was young, fresh, and pretty, and her kisses turned my

head. I fell genuinely in love with her and told her so, one

night when she was particularly fascinating, with the tears in my

eyes; and her face met mine with equal love. The first night or

two I had felt no pleasure--whether through years of self-abuse

or not I do not know,--but this night my whole being was excited.

I met her once and sometimes twice a week and was always thinking

of her. My sister saw me looking love-sick one day and I heard

her say 'He's in love,' which rather flattered me, and I looked

more love-sick and idiotic than ever. It was all wrong and

perverted. She continued to meet her _fiancé_, and intended to

marry him. We both spoke of 'him' as an adultress speaks of her

husband. That high level of tears and childlike joy in our youth

and love was never reached again. But I realized her _sex_, her

kisses, her presence--after all those years of horror (if she had

only known)--more even than the sexual act itself; while she, as

time went on, commenced to show a curiosity which I thought

desecrating; she liked to examine--to 'let her hand stray,' were

her words. Even her beauty seemed impaired some nights and I

caught a gleam in her eye and a curve of her lip I thought

vulgar. But perhaps the next night I met her she would be as

bright as ever.

"I introduced her to my friends, who knew our relations, for I

blabbed everything. But she did not mind their knowing and if we

met would give them all a kiss, so that I felt I had been rather

too profuse in my hospitality, though I still would say: 'Have

another one, Bert; I don't mind.' But whatever ass I made of

myself she forgave me anything, and was fonder of me every time

we met, while I, although I did not know it for a long time, was

less fond of her. She knew how to revive my love, however. Some

nights she would not meet me, and I would be like a madman. Other

nights she would meet me, but not let me raise her dress. She

would lie on me, on a moonlit night, and her young face in shadow

like a siren's in its frame of hair, merely to kiss me. But what

kisses! Slow, cold kisses changing to clinging, passionate ones.

She would leave my mouth to look around, as if frightened, and

come back, open-mouthed, with a side-contact of lips that brought

out unexpected felicities.

"One night her _fiancé_ saw us together, and followed me after I

left her, but on turning a corner I ran. I ridiculed him to her

and despised him. I should have found it difficult to say why.

Another night her brother attacked me, and it would have gone

hard with me, but Annie pulled me in and banged the door. We were

in a friend's house, but her father came around soon and laid a

stick about her shoulders, in my presence. I tried to talk big,

and said something idiotic about being as good a man as her

betrothed, as though my intentions were honorable, which for one

brief moment made Anne look at me, paler faced and changed, such

a strange glance. But he beat her home, enjoying my rage, and she

went away, crying in her hands. I was allowed to go unmolested.

"I soon received a letter from her asking me not to mind and

making an appointment, at which she turned up cheerful and

unconcerned. She went to confession, and would meet me

afterwards; and her faith in that, and the difference of our

religions (if I had any religion) would make her seem strange and

alien to me at times, even banal. At last our meetings became a

mere habit of sensuality, with all charm, and suggestion of

better things eliminated....

"I went with my friend George (who shared my room) one afternoon

and called at Annie's school; she kept an infants' school of her

own. She came to the door herself. It was the first time I had

seen her in daylight, and I thought her cheek-bones bigger; she

certainly was not so pretty as on the first evening I met her.

George had told me he would sleep away if I wanted the room, and

when next I met her she promised to come and sleep with me.

Before I had always met her on the grass, under trees. She came,

and the sight of her young limbs and breasts revived something of

my love for her, my better love. But she was insatiable and more

sensual every day. One day she came when I was not well, and

would not go away disappointed. I had met a very pretty girl

about this time, and now resolved to give Annie up, which I did

in the cruelest manner, cutting her dead, and refusing to answer

her letters and touching messages. I heard that she would cry for

hours, but I was harder than adamant....

"I thought myself very much in love with the very pretty girl for

whom I had thrown up Annie. She lived with her mother and two

sisters, one older than herself, the other a mere child. The

eldest sister, a handsome, dark girl like a Spaniard, was not

virtuous. She was good natured; too much so, and took her

pleasure with several of us, dying, not long after, of

consumption. I thought her sister, my girl, was virtuous, and I

meant to marry her--some day. At any rate, I saw her mother, who

lived in a well-furnished house and was a superior woman. This

did not prevent my trying to seduce her daughter. I did not

succeed for a long time, though she did not cease meeting me. The

sisters came to see us. I knew, one night, her sister was

upstairs with D. and I guessed what they were at, so I suggested

to her she should creep up on them for fun. She did so, came

back, excited and pale--and gave herself to me. But she was not a

virgin and in time I had a glimpse of her unhappy fate and her

mother's position. Her father was dead or divorced, and her

mother, I believe, was mistress to some wealthy bookmaker. I am

not sure, there was always a mystery hanging over the mother, nor

am I certain that she connived at her daughter's seduction, but

the girl's account was that after some successful Cup day there

had been too much champagne drunk all around, and that a man she

looked on as a friend came into her bedroom that night when she

was _tête montée_ and seduced or violated her--whichever word you

like to choose. Since then his visits had been frequent until she

met me, she said, and if I would be true to her she would be a

true wife to me, and I believed her and still believe she meant

what she said. But I left Melbourne shortly after this, our

letters got few and far between, and ultimately I heard she was

married to a young man who had always been in love with her....

"Among the inmates of the boarding house was a 'married' couple

who stayed for some time; he was an insignificant, ugly, little,

crosseyed commercial traveler; she was a pretty, little creature

who looked as innocent and was as merry as a child; we all vied

in paying her attentions and waiting on her like slaves, the

husband always smiling a cryptic smile. After they had left it

was hinted they were not married at all; the oldest hands had

been taken in.... One afternoon I met Dolly, the commercial

traveler's wife, and she stopped and spoke to me. I remembered

what I had heard and ventured on some pleasantry at which she

laughed, and on my proposing that we should go for a walk she

consented. She had left the commercial traveler, it came out in

conversation, and we went on talking and walking, one idea only

in my mind now; could I detain her till dark? Dolly, who was very

pretty indeed, amused herself with me for hours, playing hot and

cold, snubbing me one minute, encouraging me with her eyed

another. Hour after hour went and she found this game so

entertaining that she accompanied me to the park behind the

Botanical Gardens, and it was not until it was too late for me to

catch a train home that she gave herself to me. In fact, we

stayed out the whole of that warm summer night. As the hours went

by she told me of her home in London and how she first went

wrong. She had been a good girl till one day on an excursion she

drank some rum or gin, which seemingly revived some dormant taint

of heritage; when she went home that night she fell flat at her

mother's feet. Her parents, well-to-do shopkeepers, who had

forgiven her several times before, turned her out. She became one

man's mistress and then another's. She began early, and was

scarcely 19 now. She would leave off the drink for a time and try

to be respectable. She loved her father and mother, but she could

not help drinking at times. She spoke cheerfully and laughingly

about it all; she was young, strong, good natured, and careless.

We went to sleep for a little while and then wandered in the

early morning down toward the cemetery, when she tried to tidy

her hair, asking me how I had enjoyed myself and not waiting for

an answer. She was thirsty, she said, and when the public houses

opened we went and had a drink. It was the first time I had seen

her drink alcohol,--at the boarding house she had always been the

picture of health and sweetness,--and I saw a change come over

her at once, so that I understood all that she had told me. The

sleepless night may have made it worse, but the look that came

into her eyes, and the looseness of the fibres not only of her

tell-tale wet mouth, but of every muscle of her face was

startling and piteous to see. She saw my look and laughed, but

her laugh was equally piteous to hear, and when she spoke again

her voice had changed too, and was equally piteous. She asked for

another. 'No, don't,' I begged, for the pretty girl I had

flattered myself I had passed a summer's night with that most

young men would envy, showed signs of changing, like some siren,

into a flabby, blear-eyed boozer. That hurt my vanity.

"I met her another night and she took, me to her lodgings, and I

slept with her all night. I no longer tried to stop her drinking,

but drank with her. I ceased to treat her with courtesy and

gallantry; she noticed it, but only drank the more, drank till

she became dirty in her ways, till her good looks vanished. I

left her, too drunk to stand, as some friend, a woman, called on

her.

"She came to see me once more, like her old self, so well dressed

and well behaved, and chatted so cheerfully to my landlady that

the latter afterward congratulated me on having such a friend.

Dolly carried a parcel of underclothing she had made, with a few

toys, for the children of a poor man in the suburbs, and I

accompanied her to the house. There was great excitement among

the ragged children; in fact, the atmosphere became so

dangerously full of love and charity that I commenced to feel

uncomfortable,--the shower of roses again,--and was glad to find

myself in the open air. We went for a walk and had several

drinks, which made the usual change in Dolly. I got tired of her,

determined I would leave her, spoke cruelly, and finally--after

having connection with her on the dry seaweed--rose and left her

brutally, walked away faster and faster, deaf to her

remonstrances, and careless whether or how she reached the

station....

"I had gone to lodge with a family whom I had been accustomed to

visit as a friend; there were two daughters; the elder, engaged

to a young German who was away with a survey party, had a rather

plain face, but a strong one and was herself a strong character,

and I came to like her in spite of myself; the second girl had

light golden hair, a fresh complexion, a short nose, and rather

large mouth, which contained beautiful teeth; they were both

good, obedient, innocent church-going daughters. As there was

plenty of amusement there of an evening, singing and dancing, I

did not go out, got into better ways, and gradually gave up

drinking to excess. I was so improved in appearance that an old

acquaintance did not recognize me. My anecdotes and fun amused

Mrs. S., the mother of the girls. She could be very violent on

occasions, I found, and I learned that there had been terrible

scenes at times, and that from time to time it had been necessary

to place her in an asylum. I went for drives with the girls and

to theatres, and ought to have been happy and glad to find myself

in such good quarters. The mother trusted me so entirely that she

left me for hours with the girls, the younger one of whom I would

kiss sometimes. She was engaged to a young fellow whom I spoke to

patronizingly, but whose shoes I was not worthy to fasten. I was

the cause of quarrels between them. They made it up again but I

think he noticed the change that was taking place in Alice. For

from kissing her I had gone on--all larking at first. We formed

the habit of sitting down on the sofa when alone and kissing

steadily for ten minutes or more at a time. She was excited

without knowing what was the matter with her--but I knew. And one

day when our mouths were together I drew her to me and commenced

to stroke her legs gently down. She trembled like a string bow,

and allowed my hand to go farther. And then she was frightened

and ashamed and commenced to laugh and cry together. She had

these hysterical attacks several times and they always frightened

me. It ended in my seducing her. She broke off her engagement,

and then was sorry; but soon she thought only of me.... One day

Alice and I were nearly caught. I had just left her on the sofa

and had commenced drawing at a table with my back to her when

suddenly her mother came in without her shoes, while Alice had

one hand up her clothes arranging her underclothing. The mother

stopped dead and shot me one glance I shall never forget. 'Why,

Alice, you frighten me!' she said. I feigned surprise and asked

'What is the matter?' Alice, although she was frightened out of

her wits, managed to stammer: 'He couldn't see me--you couldn't

see me, could you?' appealing to me. But I had managed to collect

my senses a bit and although still under that maternal eye I

asked,--at last turning slowly around to Alice: 'See? What do you

mean? See what?' And I looked so mystified that the mother was

deceived, and contented herself with scolding Alice and telling

her to run no risks of that sort. I breathed again.

"But I was near the end of my tether. Alice and I talked about

everything now. She told me about her life at boarding school and

the strange ideas some of the girls had about men and marriage.

After leaving school she had been sent to a large millinery or

drapery establishment to learn sewing and dressmaking. Here, she

said, the talk was awful at times, and one girl had a book with

pictures of men's organs of generation, which was passed around

and excited their curiosity to the highest pitch.

"I had days of tenderness and contrition, and even told her I

would get on and marry her. Then the tears would come into her

eyes and she would say: 'I seem to feel as if you were my husband

now.' ...

"I had to see a man on business and went to his cottage. The door

was opened by his wife, a handsome, dark-eyed young woman, who

looked as if butter would not melt in her mouth. After leaving a

message I went on talking to her on other subjects. She piqued my

vanity in some way, and made me feel curious and restless. I

found myself thinking of her after I left and looking back I saw

she was still looking at me.

"To make a long story short, she encouraged me. It ended by my

leaving the S. family and going to board with them. T.D., the

husband, was glad of my company and my money. They had a little

boy--whose father T. was not. I soon understood her inviting

looks at me. For she was a general lover, and an old man, in a

good government billet, visited her often when T.D. was away: I

will call him Silenus. There was also a dark, handsome man who

built organs. The latter came one day and sent for some beer. I

was working in my room, and it so happened that before he knocked

she had been going further than usual in her talk with me; in

fact, as good as giving me the word. When her friend was admitted

he had to pass my open door and he gave me a look with his black

eyes and I gave him a look which told each what the other's game

was. It is wonderful what a lot can be learned from a single

glance of the eyes. When I saw the little boy bringing in the

beer I felt that he had bested me. But she brought me in a glass

first, and putting her down on the sofa I scored first. It was

done so suddenly, so brutally, that, accustomed as she must have

been to such scenes she turned red and bit her under lip. But she

sent the other man away in a few minutes. After that she was

insatiable; it was every day and sometimes twice in one day. I

commenced to be gloomy and miserable again. And there was not

even a pretense of love. There was no deception about her; she

even introduced me to Silenus and we made excursions together,

for which he paid, as he had plenty of money. We were always

drinking, until at last I could eat nothing unless I had two or

three whiskies. I became very thin, my horizon seemed black and

all things at an end. (But T.D. enjoyed his meals and was really

fond of his wife and her boy and his work; life was pleasant to

him.) She would go up to town with me and to a certain hotel;

after drinking she would leave me waiting while she retired with

the handsome young landlord for a short time. She told me when

she came back that he was a great favorite with married women.

"She told me that Silenus visited a woman who practiced

_fellatio_ on him. Mrs. D. thought such practices abominable and

could not imagine how a woman could like doing such a thing.

"When she was out walking with me one day T.D.'s name came up and

she said in a slightly altered voice: 'He told me he loved me!'

It was a word seldom used by her except in jest. I threw a

startled look at her and caught an inquisitive and apologetic

look in return, such a strange and touching glance that I saw I

had not yet understood her,--there was an enigma somewhere. When,

bit by bit, she told me her life, I understood, or thought I

understood, that strange childlike glance in this young woman

steeped to her eyes in sin. No one had ever made love to her or

spoken to her of love in her life.

"It had commenced at school. She must have been a particularly

fine and handsome girl, judging from her photographs. She had

seen boys playing with girls' privates under the form and felt

jealous that they did not play with her's. She had no mother to

look after her and she soon found plenty of boys to play with

her, and young men, too, as she grew older. She took it as she

took her meals. She had been really fond of her child's father,

but as he had shown no tenderness for her, nothing but a craving

for sensual gratification, she would rather have died than let

him know. She soon tired of her attachments, she told me. She did

not like T.D. He was not the complacent husband; he was spirited

enough, but he believed everything she told him. One day he came

home unexpectedly when we were together on the bare palliass in

her room. It was a critical moment when his knocks were heard,

and in the hurry and excitement some moisture was left on the

bed. The knocks became louder, but she was calmer than I, and

bade me run down to the closet. I could hear her cheerful and

chaffing voice greeting him. When I walked in back to my own room

she called out: 'Here's T. home!' I learned afterward that he had

been surly and suspicious, and had seen the moisture on the bed,

and asked about it, whereupon she had turned the tables upon him

completely; he ought to be ashamed of himself; she knew what he

meant by his insinuations; if he must know how that moisture come

on the bed, why she put the soap there in a hurry to catch a

flea. He believed her and brought her a present next day in

atonement for his suspicions.

"During her monthly periods, when I could not touch her, she

would come in and play with me until emissions occurred, and my

feelings had become so perverted that I even preferred this to

coitus. The orgasm would occur twice in her to once in me, and

though her eyes were rather hard and her mouth too, she always

looked well and cheerful, while I was gloomy and depressed. In

her side, however, was a hard lump, which pained her at times,

and which, doubtless, was waiting its time....

"One day I felt so low in health that I proposed to T.D. that we

should take a boat and sail out in the bay for a day or two. The

sea, the change, the open air revived me, and I even made

sketches of the black sailor as he steered the boat. One day when

I was left alone in charge of the boat, as I felt the time

hanging on my hands, for the sea, the blue sky, the lovely day

gave me no real pleasure, I remember abusing myself, the old

habit reasserting itself as soon as I was alone and idle. When

T.D. came back he brought Mrs. D. with him, laughing and jolly as

usual. She was surprised when lying next to me under the deck on

our return I did not respond to her advances. It would have

pleased her, with her husband only a few feet away. After that I

spent a night with her, but she was getting tired of me. I did

not care for her, but it hurt my vanity and I made a few attempts

to be impertinent. She looked at me coldly and threatened to

complain to T....

"I want to relate an impression I received one night about this

time when with several friends we called at a brothel. I forget

my companion, but I remember two faces. It was winter, and great

depression prevailed in Adelaide. We had been talking to the

mistress as we drank some beer and were pretending to be jolly

fellows, although we were wet, cold, and had not enjoyed

ourselves (at least, I had not), and she was speaking harshly and

jeeringly about two girls she had now who had not earned a penny

for the past week. Just then we heard footsteps and she said in a

lower tone: 'Here they are,' They came in, unattended, having

ascertained which the brothel-keeper snorted and turned her back

to them. The faces of the girls, who were quite young, looked so

miserable that even I pitied them. The look on the face of one of

those girls as she stood by the hearth drawing off her gloves

lives in my memory. Too deep for tears was its sorrow, shame, and

hopelessness....

"I had given up drink and was living in the bush. To anyone with

normal nerves it would have been a happy time of quiet, rustic

peace, beauty, and relief from city life. With me it was restless

vanity amounting to madness. In every relation, action, or

possible event in which I figured or might figure in the future,

I always instantaneously called up an imaginary audience. And

then this imaginary audience admired everything I did or might

do, and put the most heroic, gallant, and romantic construction

on my acts, appearance, lineage, and breeding. Suppose I saw a

pretty girl on a bush road. Instead of thinking 'There is a

pretty girl; I should like to know her or kiss her,' as I suppose

a healthy, normal young man would think, I thought after this

fashion: 'There is a pretty girl; now, as I pass her she will

think I am a handsome and aristocratic-looking stranger, and, as

I carry a sketch-book, an artist--"A landscape painter! How

romantic!" she will say, and then she will fall in love with me,'

etc. This preoccupation with what other people might think or

would think so engrossed all my time that I had no means of

enjoying the presence, thought, or favor of the divine creatures

I met, and I must have appeared 'cracked' to them with my

reticence, pride, and silly airs.

"I met girls as foolish as myself sometimes. Once at a _table

d'hôte_ I met a young girl who went for a walk with me and let me

know her carnally although she was little more than a schoolgirl.

She was going down to town soon, she said, and would meet me at a

certain hotel (belonging to relations of hers) in Adelaide on a

certain date, some time ahead; if I took a room there she would

come into it during the night. In the meanwhile I had given way

to drink again and abused myself at intervals. I came down to

town, drunk, in the coach, and kept my appointment with the young

girl at the hotel, expecting a night of pleasure; but she merely

stared at me coldly as if she had never seen me before. I abused

myself twice in my solitary room....

"I met a middle-aged schoolteacher (who had once been an officer

in the army) down for his holidays. As he spoke well, and was a

'gentleman,' I cultivated him. One night he asked me to meet a

girl he had an appointment with and tell her he was not well

enough to meet her. He foolishly told me the purpose of their

intended meeting. I went to the trysting-place, at the back of

the hotel, and met the girl. On delivering my message she smiled,

made some joke about her friend, and looked at me as much as to

say: 'You will do as well.' I had been drinking, and in the most

brutal manner I took her into a closet. By some strange chance or

state of nerves she gave me exquisite pleasure, but the orgasm

came with me before it did with her, and in spite of her

disappointment and protests I stood up and pulled her out of the

place for fear some one should find us there. Still protesting

she followed me, but her foot slipped on the paved court, and she

fell down on her face. When she rose I saw that her front teeth

were broken. I looked at her without pity, with impatience, and

abruptly leaving her I went into the hotel to 'the colonel.' I

commenced to tell him lies, when he asked me with a weak laugh

what had been keeping me. I smiled with low cunning and drunken

vanity, evading the question. Then he accused me directly. I only

laughed; but, drunk as I was, I remember the look of the ageing

bachelor as he saw he had been betrayed by a younger man. He had

known her for years....

"I was now living in the home of a woman who was separated from

her husband and kept lodgers. She had a daughter, with whom I

walked out, a pretty girl who drank like a fish, as her mother

also did. There were other lodgers coming and going. I would lie

down all day and keep myself saturated with beer. I commenced to

get fat and bloated, with the ways of a brothel bully. A

broken-down, drunken old woman who visited the house and had been

a beautiful lady in her youth told me I should end my days on the

gallows trap. The same woman when drunk would lift up her dress,

sardonically, exposing herself. Other old women would congregate

in the neglected and dirty bedrooms and tell fortunes with the

cards. One little woman, an onanist, was like a character out of

Dickens, exaggerated, affected, unnatural, with remains of

gentility and society manners. Amidst all this drunkenness and

abandonment May, the landlady's daughter, preserved her

virginity. Young lodgers would take liberties with her, but at a

certain stage would receive a stinger on the face. The girl liked

me and would kiss me, but nothing else. And then--out of this

home of drunkenness and shame--May fell in love with some pretty

boy she met by chance, whom she never asked to her home. She

began to neglect me, even to neglect drink, and to dream,

preoccupied. I felt a restless jealousy, but she would look at

me, without resentment, without recognition, without seeing me,

look me straight in the eyes as I was talking to her, and dream

and dream. This same pretty boy seduced her, I believe. When next

I met her she was 'on the town,' her one dream of spring over....

"About this time I had one of those salutary turns that have

marked epochs in my life, and as a result I left that house and

resolutely abstained from drink.... I was now in a small

up-country town. I commenced to play croquet and to ride out.

Sometimes I was invited to dinner by a young man at the bank,

whose house was kept by his sister. She had a small figure, a

pretty but rather narrow face, and well-bred manners; but there

was a look in her asymmetrical eyes, in the shape of her thin

hands, even in the stoop of her shoulders, that seemed

passionate. One day--when her brother, a fine, sweet-blooded

manly young athlete, was absent--I commenced to pull her about.

She gave me one passionate kiss, but said: 'No! Do you know what

keeps me straight? It is the thought of my brother.' I refrained

from molesting her further. I met other girls, some pretty and

arrogant, others plain and hungry-eyed; it was a country town

where there were four or five females to every male. But I could

not speak frankly and candidly to a young woman as the young

banker did....

"I remember that one night, when I was living at the Port, I

slept all night with a prostitute who had taken a fancy to me and

who used to cry on my shoulder, much to my impatience and

annoyance. In the same bed with us, lying beside me, was a girl

aged about 12. On my expressing surprise I was told she was used

to it and noticed nothing. But in the morning I turned my head

and looked at her, and even in the dim light of that dirty

bedroom I could see that her eyes had noticed and understood. She

pressed herself against me and smiled; it was not the smile of an

infant. I could record many instances I have observed of the

precocity of children.

"At one time I made the acquaintance of three young men, two in

the customs, the other in a surveyor's office. At the first

glance you would have said they were ordinary nice young clerks,

but on becoming better acquainted you would notice certain

peculiarities, a looseness of mouth, a restless, nervous

inquietude of manner, an indescribable gleam of the eye. They

were very fond of performing and singing at amateur minstrel

shows and developed a certain comic vein they thought original,

though it reminded me of professional corner-men. However, I

enjoyed their singing and drinking habits and went to their

lodgings several nights to play cards, drink beer, and tell funny

stories. One night they asked me to stay all night and on going

to a room with two beds I was told to have one. Presently one of

the young men came in and commenced to undress. But before going

to his bed he made a remark which, though I had been drinking,

opened my eyes. I told him to shut up and go to bed, speaking

firmly and rather coldly, and he went reluctantly to his own bed.

But another night when they had shifted their lodgings and were

all sleeping in the same room I was drunk and went to bed with

the same fair-haired young man. On waking up in the night I found

my bedmate tampering with me. The old force came over me and I

abused him, but refused to commit the crime he wanted me to. His

penis was small and pointed. I rose early in the morning,

sobered, suffering, and covered with shame, and went hastily

away, refusing to stay for breakfast. I thought I caught an

amazed and evil smile on the faces of the other two. Meeting the

three the same evening in the street, I passed them blushing, and

my bedmate of the previous night blushed also....

"I now took cheap lodgings in North Adelaide. Here I had slight

recurrences of the strangeness and fear of going mad which I had

experienced once before. I led such a solitary life and fell into

such a queer state that I turned to religion and attended church

regularly. It was approaching the time for those young men and

women who wished to be confirmed to prepare themselves, and a

struggle now ensued between my pride and my wish to gain rest and

peace of mind in Jesus. I was self-conscious to an incredible

degree, and dreaded exposure or making an exhibition of myself,

but still went to church, hoping the grace of God would descend

on me. I had no other resources. I had no pleasure in life, and

was so shattered and in such misery of dread that I welcomed the

only refuge that seemed open to me. At last, one Sunday, I had

what I thought was a call; I shed a few tears, and although

tingling all down my spine I went up in the cathedral and joined

those who were going to be confirmed. I attended special meetings

and shocked the good bishop very much by telling him I had never

been baptized. I had to be baptized first and went one day to the

cathedral and he baptized me. When the critical awful moment came

the bishop, whose faith even then surprised me somehow, held my

hand in his cold palm, and gave it a pressure, eyeing me,

expectantly, inquisitively, to see any change for the better.

But, it so happened, that morning I was in a horrible temper and

black mood, hard and dry-eyed, and no change came. Still, I tried

to believe there was a change.

"I was confirmed with others, had a prayer-book given me with

prayers for nearly every hour in the day, and was always kneeling

and praying. I procured a long, white surplice, and assisted at

suburban services, even conducting small ones myself, reading the

sermons out of books. But my mood of rage increased, and one

Sunday I had to walk a long way in a new pair of boots. I shall

never forget that hot Sunday afternoon. My feet commenced to ache

and a murderous humor seized me. I swore and blasphemed one

moment and prayed to God to forgive me the next. When I reached

the chapel where I had to assist the chaplain I was exhausted

with rage, pain, fear, and religious mania. I thought it probable

I had offended the Holy Ghost. When, next Sunday, I went to try

my hand at Sunday-school teaching I wore a pair of boots so old

that the little boys laughed. I was always talking of my

conversion and the spirit of our Saviour. I do not know what the

clergymen I met thought of me. I thought I should like to be a

minister myself, and questioned a Church of England parson as to

the amount of study necessary. He received my question rather

coldly, I thought, which discouraged me. As my dread gradually

diminished, though I still felt strange, I made excuses for not

conducting services, although I continued to read my Bible and

prayer-book, and really believed I had been 'born again.'

"Surely now, I thought, that I had Christ's aid, I shall be able

to break off my habit of self-abuse that had been the curse of my

youth. What was my horror and dismay to find that, when the mood

came on me next, I went down the same as ever. And after all my

suffering and dread and fear of fits! What could I do? Was I mad,

or what? I was really frightened at my helplessness in the matter

and decided on a course of conduct that ultimately brought me

past this danger to better health and comparative happiness. I

said to myself that there is always a certain amount of

preliminary thought and dalliance before I do this deed;

doubtless this it is that renders me incapable of resisting. I

decided, therefore, never to let my thoughts _commence_ to dwell

on lustful things, but to think of something else on the _first_

intimation of their appearance in my mind. I rigorously followed

this rule; and it proved successful, and I recommend it to others

in the same predicament as myself. After suffering weeks and

months of dread and illness once more, falling away in flesh and

turning yellow, I gradually mended a little. I had a better color

and tone, and was something like other young men, barring a

strange alternate exaltation and depression. Even this gradually

became less noticeable, and my moods more even and reliable."

FOOTNOTES:

[219] My Christian faith is of a somewhat nonemotional, intellectual type,

with a considerable element of agnostic reserve.

[220] On having connection with my wife I frequently exhibit sufficient

sexual power to produce orgasm in her; but on occasion, especially during

the first year or so of married life, I have been unable to do this, owing

to the too rapid action of the reflexes in myself, and have even, now and

again, had emissions _ante portam_.

INDEX OF AUTHORS.

Adachi

Adam, Madame

Adler

Ælian

Allbutt, Gifford

Allen, Grant

Allin, A.

Alrutz

Andree

Anselm, St.

Arbuthnot

Ariosto

Aristænetus

Aristophanes

Aristotle

Athenæus

Aubert

Audeoud

Avicenna

Ayrton

Bacarisse

Backhouse

Bain, A.

Baker, Sir S.

Bälz

Baschet, Armand

Batchelor, J.

Baudelaire

Bazan, Pardo

Beatson

Beauregard

Bendix

Benedikt

Bernard, L.

Bernardin de St. Pierre

Bianchi, L.

Biérent

Binet

Bloch, A.G.

Bloch, I.

Boccaccio

Bollinger

Borel

Botallus

Brantôme

Breitenstein

Brisay, Marquis de

Bronson

Broune, R.

Brown, H.

Brunton, Sir Lauder

Bücher

Buckman, S.S.

Bulkley

Bullen, F. St. John

Burckhardt

Burdach

Burton, Sir R.

Burton, R.

Cabanès

Cabanis

Cadet-Devaux

Candolle, A. de

Cardano

Cardi, Comte di

Casanova

Castellani

Cervantes

Chadwick

Chamfort

Chaucer

Clement of Alexandria

Cloquet

Cocke, J.

Coffignon

Cohn, Jonas

Colegrove

Colenso, W.

Collet

Compayre

Cook, Captain

Cornish

Courtier

Crawley

Cyples, W.

Daniell, W.F.

D'Annunzio

Dante

Darlington, L.

Darwin, C.

Darwin, E.

Davy, J.

Deniker

D'Enjoy

Digby, Sir K.

Dillon, E.

Distant

Dogiel

Donaldson, H.H.

D'Orbigny

Duffield

Dufour

Dühren, E.

Dunlop, W.

Edinger

Eliot, George

Ellis, A.B.

Ellis, A.J.

Ellis, Havelock

Ellis, W.

Eloy

Eméric-David

Emin Pasha

Endriss, J.

Engelmann, I.J.

Epstein

Esquirol

Eulenburg

Féré

Ferrand

Ferrero

Filhés, Margarethe

Fillmore

Firenzuola

Flagy, R. de

Fletcher, A.C.

Fliess

Fol, H.

Foley

Forster, J.B.

Franklin, A.

Frazer, J.G.

Friedländer

Friedreich, J.B.

Fromentin

Frumerie, G. de

Galopin

Galton, F.

Garbini

Garson

Giard

Giessler

Gilman

Goblot

Goethe

Goncourt, E. de

Görres

Gould

Gourmont, Remy de

Griffith, W.D.A.

Griffiths, A.B.

Grimaldi

Groos, K.

Guibaud

Hack

Häcker

Hagen

Hall, G. Stanley

Halle, A. de la

Haller

Harrison, F.

Hart, D. Berry

Harvey, W.F.

Hawkesworth

Haycraft

Hearn, Lafcadio

Heine

Hellier, J.B.

Helmholtz

Henry, C.

Hermant, Abel

Herodotus

Herrick, C.L.

Herrick, R.

Heschl

Hildebrandt

Hippocrates

Holder, A.B.

Hortis

Houdoy

Houzeau

Huart

Humboldt, W. von

Hutchinson, W.F.

Hutchinson, Woods

Huysmans

Hyades

Jäger

James, W.

Janet

Jerome, St.

Joal

Joest

Johnston, Sir H.H.

Jorg

Jouin

Juvenal

Kaan

Kate, H. ten

Kennedy

Kiernan, J.G.

King, J.S.

Kirchhoff, A.

Kistemaecker

Klein, G.

Kleist

Krafft-Ebing

Krauss

Kubary

Külpe

Lane, E.W.

Lancaster, E.

Latcham

Laycock

Layet

Léchat

Lecky

Lejeune

Lemaire, J.

Léoty

Lewin

Lewis, A.T.

Linnæus

Lombard

Lombroso, C.

Lombroso, Gina

Lucian

Lucretius

Luigini

Lumholtz

MacCauley

MacDonald, J.

MacDougall, B.

MacKenzie, J.N.

MacKenzie, S.

Man, E.H.

Mantegazza

Marholm, L.

Marie de France

Marro

Marston, J.

Martial

Martineau, Harriet

Massinger

Matusch

Mau

Maudsley, H.

Maxim, Sir H.

McBride

McDougall, W.

McKendrick

Melle, Van

Menander

Mentz

Merensky

Mertens

Michelet

Milton

Miner, J.B.

Minut, G. de

Mironoff

Mitford

Möbius

Moll

Moncelon

Monin

Moore, A.W.

Moore, F.

Moraglia

Motannabi

Muir, Sir W.

Myers, C.S.

Näcke

Newman, W.L.

Nietzsche

Niphus

Nordenskjöld

Norman, Conolly

Nuttall

Nyrop

O'Donovan

Ordericus Vitalis

Ovid

Papillault

Parke, T.H.

Parker, Rushton

Passy, J.

Patrick, G.T.W.

Patrizi, M.L.

Paulhan

Pearson, K.

Penta

Perls

Petrarch

Petrie, Flinders

Piéron

Piesse

Pillon, E.

Plateau

Plato

Ploss

Plutarch

Potwin, E.

Pouchet

Poulton, E.B.

Pruner Bey

Pyle

Raciborski

Raffalovich

Ramsey, Sir W.

Raseri

Raymond

Reade, Winwood

Remfry

Renier, R.

Restif de la Bretonne

Rhys, J.

Ribbert

Ribot

Ries

Ripley

Robinson, Louis

Rochas, A. de

Roger, J.L.

Rohlfs

Romi, Shereef-Eddin

Ronsard

Roscoe, J.

Rosenbaum

Roth, H. Ling

Roth, W.

Roubaud

Rousseau

Routh, A.

Rowbotham, J.F.

Rudeck

Rutherford

Salmuth, P.

Sanborn, L.

Santayana, G.

Savage, G.

Savill

Schellong

Schiff

Schopenhauer

Schultz, A.

Schurigius

Scott, Colin

Scripture, E.W.

Seligmann

Selous, E.

Semon, Sir F.

Sénancour

Sensai, Nagayo

Sergi

Shakespeare

Sharp, D.

Shelley

Shields, T.E.

Shipley

Shufeldt

Simpson, Sir J.Y.

Skeat, W.W.

Smith, Sir A.

Smith, G. Elliot

Smith, H.

Smyth, Brough

Sonnini

Southerden

Spencer, Herbert

Spinoza

Stanley, Hiram

Stendhal

Stevens, Vaughan

Stirling, E.C.

Stoddart, W.H.B.

Stratz, C.H.

Swift

Symonds, J.A.

Syrus, Publilius

Talbot, E.B.

Talbot, E.S.

Tarchanoff

Tardif

Tarnowsky

Temesvary

Tennyson

Tinayre, Marcelle

Tolstoy

Toulouse

Tourdes, G.

Tregear

Tuckey

Turner

Tylor, E.B.

Varigny, O. de

Vaschide

Vatsyayana

Velten

Venturi

Vinci, L. de

Vineberg

Volkelt

Vurpas

Waits

Wallace, A.E.

Wallaschek

Waller, A.

Walther, P. von

Wartanoff

Watts, G.F.

Weinhold, K.

Wellhausen

Wessmann

Westermarck

Whytt

Wiedemann, A.

Wiese

Wilks, Sir S.

Wright, T.

Wundt

Yellowlees

Yung, E.

Zola

Zurcher

Zwaardemaker

INDEX OF SUBJECTS.

Acne in relation to sexual development

Æsthetics,

standard modified by love

in region of smell

in relation to the sexual impulse

Ainu

Alexander the Great,

odor of

Ambergris

American Indians

types of beauty

ideas of beauty

seldom acquainted with kiss

Anæsthesia produced by tuning forks

Antisexual instinct

Arabs,

ideal of beauty

kissing among

Armpit,

odor of

Asafoetida

Assortative mating

Australians

ideal of beauty

kissing among

Bath,

its history in modern Europe

opposed by early Christians

also by Mohammed

Baudelaire's olfactory sensibility

Beard in relation to beauty

Beauty,

as the symbol of love

the chief agent in sexual selection

the sexual element in æsthetic

its largely objective character

ideals of, among various peoples

sometimes found in lowest races

primary sex characters as an element of

Beauty, clothing in relation to

secondary sexual characters as an element of

in relation to pigmentation

the individual element in ideal of

the exotic element

in relation to stature

Bird song,

origin of

Biting in relation to origin of kissing

Blind,

sense of smell in the

sensitiveness to voice

Blondes,

the admiration for

Breasts,

as an element of beauty

as a tactile sexual focus

Breath,

odor of

Brothels,

public baths once synonymous with

Brummell

Brunettes,

the admiration for

Bustle

Capryl odors

Carbolic acid disliked by savages

Castoreum

Cataglottism

Catholic theologians,

on danger of tactile contacts

opposed bathing

_Chenopodium vulvaria_

Chinese ideal of beauty

odor of

music among

practice the olfactory kiss

Christianity,

its use of the kiss

opposition to bathing

Civet

Cleanliness and Christianity

Cleanliness in relation to sexual attraction

Clitoris,

deformation of

Clothing,

sexual attraction of

Codpiece

Coitus,

body odor during

Comic sense

Continence,

odor of

Corset

Crinoline

Cumarine

_Cunnilingus_

Cutaneous excitation,

tonic effects of

Dancing in sexual selection

Death,

odor of

Degenerates sexually attracted to one another

Disparity,

the sexual charm of

Dogs practice _cunnilingus_

predominance of smell in mental life of

susceptibility to music

Doves,

sexual attraction among

Dyeing the hair,

origin of

Egyptian ideal of beauty

Emotional memory

English type of beauty

Erogenous zone

Eskimo

Eunuchs,

odor of

Europeans,

odor of

Exotic element in ideal of beauty

Eyes as a factor of beauty

Fairness in relation to vigor

the admiration for

Farthingale

_Fellatio_

Fetichism,

olfactory

urinary

shoe

Flowers,

occasional injurious effect of perfumes of

sexual character of their perfume

French ideal of beauty

Fuegians

German ideal of beauty

Goethe's olfactory sensibility

Gray eyes,

admiration for

Greeks,

conception of music

ideal of beauty

pygmalionism among

Green eyes,

admiration for

Gunnings, the

Hair as an element of beauty

sexual development of

suggested function of

odor of

Hallucinations of smell

Hamilton, Lady

Hebrews acquainted with kiss

ideal of beauty

Henna plant,

odor of

Heterogamy

Hindu ideal of beauty

Hips as a feature of beauty

Homogamy

Hottentot apron as a feature of beauty

Hura dance

Hypnosis,

effect of music during

Hysteria and the skin

Immorality and bathing

Incest, origin of the abhorrence of

Incontinence,

odor of

Indians, American,

ideas of beauty

odor of

types of beauty

seldom acquainted with kiss

Infants,

odor of

Insects and music

smell in their sexual life

Inversion,

influence of odor in sexual

Irish ideal of beauty

Italian ideal of beauty

Itching,

its parallelism to sexual tumescence

Japanese,

ideal of beauty

odor of

perfumes among

unacquainted with kiss

Javanese

Jewish ideal of beauty

Joan of Aragon as a type of beauty

Kiss, the

Kwan-yin as a type of beauty

Lactation,

controlling influences on

in relation to menstruation

Larynx at puberty

Laughter as a form of detumescence

Leather,

odor of

Lily,

odor of

Longevity and beauty

Malays,

ideals of beauty

the kiss among

Maoris

Married couples,

degree of resemblance between

Massage as a sexual stimulant

Masturbation,

in relation to acne

in relation to bleeding of nose

in relation to hallucinations of smell

Melody,

the nature of

Memories,

olfactory

tactile

Menstruation,

in relation to acne

in relation to lactation

in relation to body odors

in relation to bleeding of nose

Mirror as a method of heightening tumescence

Mixoscopy

Modesty in relation to ticklishness

Mohammed,

his love of perfumes

his opinion of public baths

Mohammedans,

attitude toward bath

preference for musk perfume

Mosquitoes,

attracted by music

Moths,

sexual odors of

Movement,

beauty of

Music,

among Chinese and Greeks

origins of

effects of, during hypnosis

physiological influence of

Music,

why it is pleasurable

its sexual attraction among animals

in man

supposed therapeutic effects

Musk

Mutilations,

among savages for magic purposes

for sake of beauty

Narcissism

Nasal mucous membrane and genital sphere

Nates as a feature of beauty

Necklace,

significance of

Necrophily

Negress,

beauty of

odor of

Negro ideas of beauty

odor of

mode of kissing

Neopallium

Neurasthenia and olfactory susceptibility

in relation to pruritus

Nicobarese

Nietzsche's supposed olfactory sensibility

Nipple as a sexual focus

Nose and sexual organs,

supposed connection, between

Obesity,

the oriental admiration for

Odors,

artificial

classification of

as stimulants

as medicines

distinctive of various human races

of sanctity

Odors of death

of the body

Olfaction in relation to sexual selection

(See "Odors" and "Smells.")

the study of

Olfactory area of brain

Oöphorectomy and sense of smell

Orgasm as a skin reflex

founded on tactile sensations

produced by various tactile contacts

Ornament,

its religious significance

sexual significance of

Overall, Mrs.

_Padmini_

Papuans

Parity,

the sexual charm of

Peasants,

odor of

Peau d'Espagne

Perfume,

ancient use of

sexual influence of

results of excessive stimulation by

Persian ideal of beauty

Phallus worship

Pigmentation connected with intensity of odor

in relation to beauty

in relation to vigor

Polynesian dancing

Pompeii

Preferential mating

Pregnancy as an ideal of beauty

Primary sex characters as an element of beauty

Provençal ideal of beauty

Pruritus

Puberty,

accompanied by increased interest in art

olfactory sensibility at

Pygmalionism

Reeve, Pleasance

Renaissance type of beauty

Restif de la Bretonne

Rhinencephalon

Rhythm,

as a stimulant

the sense of

Saddleback as a feature of beauty

Salutation by smelling

Samoans

Sanctity, odor of

Savages,

important part played by odor in their mental life

sometimes beautiful

their ideals of beauty

Secondary sexual characters in relation to sexual attraction

Semen,

odor of

Sexual differences in admiration of beauty

in olfactory acuteness

in urination

Shoe fetichism

Singalese ideal of beauty

Singing as affected by sexual emotion

Skin,

complexity of its functions

Smell,

antipathies aroused by

its evolution

sexual significance in animals

its significance in man

theory of

special characteristics of

as the sense of the imagination

as distinctive of races and individuals

hallucinations of

in part the foundation of kiss

results of its excessive stimulation

Sneezing and sexual stimulation

Spanish ideal of beauty

saddle-back as an element of

Stanley, Lady Venetia

Statues, sexual love of

Statue in relation to beauty

Steatopygia

Strength,

the admiration of women for

Suckling as a cause of perversion

as a source of sexual emotion

Swahilis

Tahiti

Tallness,

the admiration of

Taste no part in sexual selection

Tattooing

Tennyson

Thure-Brandt system of massage as a sexual stimulant

Ticklishness

not a simple reflex

explainable by summation-irradiation theory

in relation to the sexual embrace

diminishes with age

also after marriage

Touch,

of kiss

Touch,

in part, foundation of kiss

the most primitive of all senses

the first to prove pleasurable

the most emotional sense

foundation of sexual orgasm

Triangle as a sexual symbol

Tumescence as a necessary preliminary to sexual influence of odors

the chief stimuli of

Urinary fetichism

Urination,

habits of sexes in

Uterus,

its relations to breast

_Vair_, significance of term

Valerianic acid

Vanilla

Viguier, Paule de

Violet perfume

Voice as a source of sexual stimulation

Vulvar odor,

alleged function of

Wagner's music,

emotional effects of

Walk,

beauty of

Whitman,

odor of Walt

Zola's olfactory sensibility