EVELINA IN CONTINUATION. Berry Hill, July 29th.
I MUST own myself somewhat distressed how to answer your raillery:
yet, believe me, my dear Maria, your suggestions are those of fancy,
not of truth. I am unconscious of the weakness you suspect; yet, to
dispel your doubts, I will animate myself more than ever to conquer
my chagrin, and to recover my spirits.
You wonder, you say, since my heart takes no part in this affair,
why it should make me so unhappy? And can you, acquainted as you
are with the high opinion I entertained of Lord Orville, can you
wonder that so great a disappointment in his character should affect
me? Indeed, had so strange a letter been sent to me from any body,
it could not have failed shocking me; how much more sensibly, then,
must I feel such an affront, when received from the man in the world
I had imagined least capable of giving it?
You are glad I made no reply; assure yourself, my dear friend, had this
letter been the most respectful that could be written, the clandestine
air given to it, by his proposal of sending his servant for my answer,
instead of having it directed to his house, would effectually have
prevented my writing. Indeed, I have an aversion the most sincere to
all mysteries, all private actions; however foolishly and blameably,
in regard to this letter, I have deviated from the open path which,
from my earliest infancy, I was taught to tread.
He talks of my having commenced a correspondence with him: and
could Lord Orville indeed believe I had such a design? believe me
so forward, so bold, so strangely ridiculous? I know not if his man
called or not; but I rejoice that I quitted London before he came,
and without leaving any message for him. What, indeed, could I have
said? it would have been a condescension very unmerited to have taken
any, the least notice of such a letter.
Never shall I cease to wonder how he could write it. Oh, Maria! what,
what could induce him so causelessly to wound and affront one who
would sooner have died than wilfully offended him? -How mortifying
a freedom of style! how cruel an implication conveyed by his thanks
and expressions of gratitude! Is it not astonishing, that any man
can appear so modest, who is so vain?
Every hour I regret the secrecy I have observed with my beloved
Mr. Villars; I know not what bewitched me, but I felt at first a
repugnance to publishing this affair that I could not surmount;-and
now, I am ashamed of confessing that I have any thing to confess! Yet
I deserve to be punished for the false delicacy which occasioned my
silence, since, if Lord Orville himself was contented to forfeit
his character, was it for me, almost at the expense of my own, to
support it?
Yet I believe I should be very easy, now the first shock is over,
and now that I see the whole affair with the resentment it merits,
did not all my good friends in this neighbourhood, who think me
extremely altered, tease me about my gravity, and torment Mr. Villars
with observations upon my dejection and falling away. The subject
is no sooner started, than a deep gloom overspreads his venerable
countenance, and he looks at me with a tenderness so melancholy,
that I know not how to endure the consciousness of exciting it.
Mrs. Selwyn, a lady of large fortune, who lives about three miles from
Berry Hill, and who has always honoured me with very distinguishing
marks of regard, is going, in a short time, to Bristol, and has
proposed to Mr. Villars to take me with her for the recovery of my
health. He seemed very much distressed whether to consent or refuse;
but I, without any hesitation, warmly opposed the scheme, protesting
my health could no where be better than in this pure air. He had
the goodness to thank me for this readiness to stay with him; but he
is all goodness! Oh, that it were in my power to be indeed what, in
the kindness of his heart, he has called me, the comfort of his age,
and solace of his infirmities!
Never do I wish to be again separated from him. If here I am grave,
elsewhere I should be unhappy. In his presence, with a very little
exertion, all the cheerfulness of my disposition seems ready to return;
the benevolence of his countenance reanimates, the harmony of his
temper composes, the purity of his character edifies me! I owe to
him every thing! and, far from finding my debt of gratitude a weight,
the first pride, the first pleasure of my life, is the recollection
of the obligations conferred upon me by a goodness so unequalled.
Once, indeed, I thought there existed another,-who, when time
had wintered o'er his locks, would have shone forth among his
fellow-creatures with the same brightness of worth which dignifies
my honoured Mr. Villars; a brightness how superior in value to that
which results from mere quickness of parts, wit, or imagination! a
brightness, which, not contented with merely diffusing smiles,
and gaining admiration from the sallies of the spirits, reflects a
real and a glorious lustre upon all mankind! Oh, how great was my
error! how ill did I judge! how cruelly have I been deceived!
I will not go to Bristol, though Mrs. Selwyn is very urgent with
me;-but I desire not to see any more of the world! the few months I
have already passed in it, have sufficed to give me a disgust even
to its name.
I hope, too, I shall see Lord Orville no more: accustomed, from my
first knowledge of him, to regard him as a being superior to his race,
his presence, perhaps, might banish my resentment, and I might forget
his ill conduct; for oh, Maria!-I should not know how to see Lord
Orville -and to think of displeasure!
As a sister I loved him;-I could have entrusted him with every
thought of my heart, had he deigned to wish my confidence: so steady
did I think his honour, so feminine his delicacy, and so amiable his
nature! I have a thousand times imagined that the whole study of his
life, and whole purport of his reflections, tended solely to the good
and happiness of others: but I will talk,-write,-think of him no more!
Adieu, my dear friend!