In this desperate situation, the pride of my heart, which hitherto
had not bowed to adversity, gave way; and I determined to intreat
the assistance of my friend, whose offered services I had a thousand
times rejected. Yet, Madam, so hard is it to root from the mind
its favourite principles or prejudices, call them which you please,
that I lingered another week ere I had the resolution to send away
a letter, which I regarded as the death of my independence.
At length, reduced to my last shilling, shunned insolently by the
people of the house, and almost famished, I sealed this fatal letter;
and, with a heavy heart, determined to take it to the post office. But
Mr. Branghton and his son suffered me not to pass through their
shop with impunity; they insulted me grossly, and threatened me with
imprisonment, if I did not immediately satisfy their demands. Stung
to the soul, I bid them have but a day's patience, and flung from
them in a state of mind too terrible for description.
My letter which I now found would be received too late to save me from
disgrace, I tore into a thousand pieces; and scarce could I refrain
from putting an instantaneous, an unlicensed, a period to my existence.
In this disorder of my senses, I formed the horrible plan of turning
foot-pad; for which purpose I returned to my lodging, and collected
whatever of my apparel I could part with; which I immediately sold,
and with the produce purchased a brace of pistols, powder and shot. I
hope, however, you will believe me, when I most solemnly assure you,
my sole intention was to frighten the passengers I should assault
with these dangerous weapons; which I had not loaded but from a
resolution,-a dreadful one, I own,-to save myself from an ignominious
death if seized. And, indeed, I thought, that if I could but procure
money sufficient to pay Mr. Branghton, and make a journey to Scotland,
I should soon be able to, by the public papers, to discover whom I
had injured, and to make private retribution.
But, Madam, new to every species of villainy, my perturbation was so
great, that I could with difficulty support myself, yet the Branghtons
observed it not as I passed through the shop.
Here I stop:-what followed is better known to yourself. But no time
can ever efface from my memory that moment, when, in the very action
of preparing for my own destruction, or the lawless seizure of the
property of others, you rushed into the room and arrested my arm!-It
was indeed an awful moment!-the hand of Providence seemed to intervene
between me and eternity: I beheld you as an angel!-I thought you dropt
from the clouds!-The earth, indeed, had never presented to my view a
form so celestial!-What wonder, then, that a spectacle so astonishing
should, to a man disordered as I was, appear too beautiful to be human?
And now, Madam, that I have performed this painful task, the more
grateful
one remains of rewarding, as far as is in my power, your generous
goodness, by assuring you it shall not be thrown away. You have
awakened me to a sense of the false pride by which I have been
actuated;-a pride which, while it scorned assistance from a friend,
scrupled not to compel it from a stranger, though at the hazard of
reducing that stranger to a situation as destitute as my own. Yet,
oh! how violent was the struggle which tore my conflicting soul ere
I could persuade myself to profit by the benevolence which you were
so evidently disposed to exert in my favour!
By means of a ring, the gift of my much-regretted mother, I have for
the present satisfied Mr. Branghton; and, by means of your compassion,
I hope to support myself either till I hear from my friend, to whom
at length I have written, or till the relation of my mother returns
to town.
To talk to you, Madam, of paying my debt, would be vain; I never can!
the service you have done me exceeds all power of return: you have
restored me to my senses; you have taught me to curb those passions
which bereft me of them; and, since I cannot avoid calamity, to bear
it as a man! An interposition so wonderfully circumstanced can never
be recollected without benefit. Yet allow me to say, the pecuniary
part of my obligation must be settled by my first ability.
I am, Madam, with the most profound respect, and heartfelt gratitude,
Your obedient, and devoted humble servant, J. MACARTNEY.