* * * * *
[Illustration: _Mrs. McNicol._ "FOUND A POUN' NOTE IN THE STREET,
DONAL'? THAT'S GUID!"
_Her Husband (sadly.)_ "AY, BUT MCTAVISH SAW ME PICK IT UP, AN' I OWE
HIM TWENTY-TWO AN' SAXPENCE."]
* * * * *
=Our Tactful Orators.=
"At the close they asked President ----, who was in the chair, to
present a very handsome umbrella to Mr. ----.
In a few well-chosen words the Chairman said he trusted that
Mr. ----, while journeying through life, would be successful in
warding off many a shower with his umbrella, but they all hoped
they would be showers of goodwill."--_Trade Paper._
* * * * *
"This is great fun and mystifies your friends. Buy a few and you
will be the cleverest fellow in your district.
Our leaders are 'Stink Bomb' (make bad smell when broken). Re. 1 a
box.
'Sneeze Powder' (makes everybody sneeze when blown in the air) Re.
1 a bottle."
_Advt. in Indian Paper._
Who says the East has no sense of humour?
* * * * *
[Illustration: THROUGH THE GOAL-POSTS; OR, THE END OF A PERFECT
SCRUM.]
* * * * *
=THE WHITE SPAT.=
When it is remembered how large a part has been played in history by
revolutionary and political songs it is both lamentable and strange
that at the present time only one of the numerous political faiths has
a hymn of its own--"The Red Flag." The author of the words owes a good
deal, I should say, to the author of "Rule Britannia," though I am
inclined to think he has gone one better. The tune is that gentle old
tune which we used to know as "Maryland," and by itself it rather
suggests a number of tired sheep waiting to go through a gate than a
lot of people thinking very redly. I fancy the author realised this,
and he has got over it by putting in some good powerful words like
"scarlet," "traitors," "flinch" and "dungeon," whenever the tune is
particularly sheepish. The effect is effective. Just imagine if the
Middle Classes Union could march down the middle of the Strand singing
that fine chorus:--
"Then raise the scarlet standard high,
Beneath its shade we'll live and die;
Though cowards flinch and traitors sneer
We'll keep the Red Flag flying here."
Well, I have set myself to supply some of the other parties with
songs, and I have begun with "The White Spat," which is to be the
party-hymn of the High Tories (if any). I have written it to the same
tune as "The Red Flag," because, when the lion finally does lie down
with the lamb, it will be much more convenient if they can bleat and
roar in the same metre, and I shall hope to hear Mr. ROBERT WILLIAMS
and Lord ROBERT CECIL singing these two songs at once one day. I am
not wholly satisfied with "The White Spat," but I think I have caught
the true spirit, or, at any rate, the proper inconsequence of these
things:--