No. VII.--PARLIAMENTARY PROCEDURE.
(_Scene and Persons as usual._)
_Inquirer_ (_to First Well-Informed Man_). I say, have you ever been in
the House of Commons?
_First W. I. M._ (_shortly_). No, you know I haven't.
_Inquirer._ Oh, I don't mean as a Member. Of course I know you wouldn't
stand the rot of all these Constituents, or whatever they call
themselves. But have you ever been there as a visitor while a debate's
going on?
_First W. I. M._ Yes, once--some years ago. But why do you ask?
_Inquirer_ (_producing an order of admission_). Well, you see, I got old
JENKINS to give me a ticket for to-night, and I'm hanged if I know how
I'm to get there, or when I'm to go, or anything about it. I thought you
might be able to tell me how it's done.
_First W. I. M._ Let's have a look at your ticket.
[_Both the_ Well-Informed Men _inspect it with an air of
critical sagacity._
_First W. I. M._ (_after a prolonged pause_). I don't see where your
difficulty is. You just present this! at the door.
_Inquirer._ Ah, I daresay!--but what door? That's what I want to know.
The place looks as if it had about fifty thousand doors, you know. And
then I believe, if you make any mistakes, they march you off, in
two-twos, as a dynamiter, or a Socialist, or an agitator, or something.
You know old BONKER. Well, he went there once with a black bag, in which
he'd got some sandwiches and cake, and, just because he wouldn't open
it, they made no end of a row, and shoved him in the Clock-tower, or
something, until he apologised. I don't want any of those games, you
know.
_Average Man._ Don't take a black bag then. They won't want to search
your pockets.
_Inquirer_ (_relieved_). Won't they? That's one comfort, at any rate. Do
you think I ought to go in at the big entrance?
_First W. I. M._ Of course you ought. The others are only for Members.
_Inquirer._ Ah! And I suppose I ought to get there pretty early now that
they've changed their hours. (_With determination._) I'll go about
half-past eleven.
[_A pause. They read papers._
_Inquirer_ (_suddenly, with intense alarm_). Oh, I say, look here, you
chaps. Here's old GLADSTONE gone and suspended the Twelve o'Clock Rule.
What does that mean?
_Second W. I. M._ It means that they start everything at twelve o'clock
in the day.
_First W. I. M._ No, it doesn't. It means that they don't start anything
till twelve o'clock at night.
_Second W. I. M._ (_pityingly_). My dear fellow, where have you been all
these years? They _always_ go home on the stroke of midnight now.
_First W. I. M._ That's just where you're wrong. Midnight to two in the
morning is just jolly well their best time now.
_Second W. I. M._ I'll bet you half a thick 'un you're wrong!
_First W. I. M._ And I'll bet you half a thick 'un I'm right!
[_The argument continues for some minutes in this
strain._
_Inquirer._ I wonder if they'll have any obstruction. I should like to
see some of that. I believe it's no end amusing.
_Second W. I. M._ Oh, you may trust this Opposition for that. Their only
notion for employing time is to obstruct everything and everybody.
_First W. I. M._ (_with a deadly calmness_). Ah! you call it
obstruction, of course, because you want to rush your iniquitous Bills
through the House. But you don't think we're going to stand that, do
you?--because we're not, and the Country's with us. Just look at
Grimsby.
_Second W. I. M._ All right! Suppose you look at Cirencester.
_First W. I. M._ What do you say to Stockport then?
_Second W. I. M._ And what do _you_ say to Walsham and Hexall, and all
the rest of them? (_At the suggestion of the_ Average Man, _they abandon
this fiery debate. A pause._)
_Inquirer._ Who's Speaker now?
_First W. I. M._ Sir ROBERT PEEL.
_Inquirer._ Will he be there to-night?
_First W. I. M._ Of course he will. He's got to be there.
_Inquirer._ But then what does the Chairman of Committee do?
_First W. I. M._ Oh, ah,--um, let me see; the Chairman of Committee
does----(_Brightly._) He's only appointed, you know, when they want a
Committee about something.
_Second W. I. M._ I fancy he has to read the Bills.
_First W. I. M._ (_gathering assurance as he proceeds_). Not when
they're read a first time. Somebody else does that--I forget what they
call him. The Chairman reads 'em a second time, and takes 'em up to the
House of Lords.
_Inquirer._ So he does, of course. I ought to have remembered that. But
I'd got a sort of notion they didn't really read the Bills at all--just
chucked 'em into a bag, and called it a Second Reading.
_First W. I. M._ (_condescendingly_). That's how they used to do it
about ten years ago; but they had to alter the whole thing after they
got BRADLAUGH into the House.
_Inquirer._ Why was that?
_First W. I. M._ Well, he wouldn't take an oath, you know; so, after
that, they altered everything.
_Inquirer_ (_with admiration_). By Jove, what a chap you are for
recollecting things!
[_Terminus._
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