_How =Bumbo= gave his evidence._
We are far from commending the practice of certain historians, who
pretend to give the compleat speeches which were spoken many ages
before, by leaders of armies, members of councils, and orators in
popular assemblies; we maintain that nobody can do this, except the
devil, or some person to whom the speaker himself gave a copy of his
harangue in writing. This not being our case, we content ourselves
with giving a few broken hints, such as we have been able to collect
from the best authorities, in order to give our reader some notion of
the substance of what was said to Mrs. Bull upon this great occasion.
With respect to the contents of this chapter, indeed, we are singularly
happy, in having met with the memoirs of Suck-Fist, a very learned man
of that age, who used to feed the game-keeper’s pointer, and being
present with Mrs. Bull on this occasion, has transmitted to posterity
the particulars of Bumbo’s appearance.
By him we are informed, that Bumbo, after all, was not put to his oath;
that the terrors of a formal oath approaching, he so explained what he
had said about the forgery, that it was not thought expedient to put
him to it in public; and the nurse thought it was better to hazard a
speech from him at large, which if the lady’s bowels could bear to an
end, would at least show the world, that there was one of Peg’s own
people against granting her request.
Bumbo therefore appeared with this view, as no better could be made of
it. Suck-Fist relates, that he began with declaring the instructions he
had got from Margaret, to second her application. He said, that for
his part it was his opinion, that nothing could be more reasonable than
the proposal she made; that if John Bull had arms in his house, or sent
his children to the fencing school for a month or two, there was no
reason why Margaret should be hindered from doing the same thing; and
that there was nothing more desireable than to have every distinction
between the two families abolished.
Were not Suck-Fist a writer of good authority, both in point of
judgment and veracity, we should be apt to question the following
particulars of his narration; they are so repugnant to what went
before, and so totally void of sense or coherence, that not only we,
but all future historians will hesitate before they transcribe this
part of his memoirs into their works. But as fiction is often more
probable than truth, we draw a presumption of veracity from the very
want of likelihood in the case, and are sure that such things could
never have come into any body’s head, if they had not been true. To
dissuade Mrs. Bull from signing the order, which, it seems, was brought
her ready written, relating to Peg’s people, he tells her, that it was
exactly like that she had already given in her own house. He did not
pretend, at least in public, that the Geoffrites were many in Peg’s
house, yet he would not even let Sir Thomas pick and chuse, but said,
it was giving arms indiscriminately, to raise turbulent spirits. He
commended Mac Lurchar extremely, and said it was a pity to take him
off his loom, except he was to be transported; that giving him arms
would spoil his hand as a weaver, and hinder his fighting, in which he
had behaved so gloriously, that he did not deserve to be discouraged,
much less annihilated, till John had made up matters with Lewis Baboon.
He pointed at many bad consequences, that would attend employing Mac
Lurchar, for the defence of the house, such as spoiling a good weaver,
and the like; but he insisted, that no distinction should be made
between him and any body else, by pushing a line, or any other method
that could separate the house into two parts; I implore, beseech, and
intreat, says he, that you would not push any such line across our
house; let us all be treated alike, and if there be any of us who are
not in danger of being molested, or others who are not fit to carry
arms, let us all be refused them together, that nobody’s mind may be
ruffled, nor any heart-burnings be left, but those which do or may
subsist between John Bull himself and his worthy sister Margaret; they
have been used to more dust than any can raise between them, and can
bear it all. He advised Mrs. Bull to do nothing at all in Peg’s house,
lest she should forget something; when you have shown to us, that you
can remember every circumstance at once, then we will apply for your
directions, or devise a method of our own; and as Margaret has already
born the disgrace of this difference so long, I see no reason why she
may not bear it some time longer; her house can never be more open, or
more defenceless than it is now, nor her children less qualified to
resist thieves; and I see no reason to hurry the supply of defects, to
which she is now so well accustomed. He concluded by telling Mrs. Bull,
what a dangerous thing it would be to give any orders in Peg’s house,
when he was told that her ladyship was just going to give some fresh
order in her own.
These particulars, posterity will no doubt admit upon the testimony
of Suck-Fist; especially as he adds, that if any body shall say, that
Bumbo reasoned upon other principles, he is ready to contradict them,
by saying it is not true. He subjoins, that Jowler paid him great
respect in speaking after him; and we ourselves know, that Small-Trash
exclaimed, that he had gained immortal honour.