There being no history with which every learned reader is better
acquainted in general, than that of John Bull, and his sister Peg,
we shall spend very little time in preambles or introductions to the
present story. John and his sister lived many a day, as every body
knows, in the two adjoining houses which were left them by their
father; and it matters not now to say, how much better John was lodged
than his sister, and how many more improvements he had made on his
farm. We never heard of any difference arising between them on this
score, farther than some jeers and taunts between the blackguards or
scullions of either house, who generally got themselves bloody noses
upon the occasion. As for Peg herself, she was so far from complaining
of her portion, that nothing could offend her more, than to be told out
of doors, that she was not the richest heiress in the world.
It is not easy to say, whether it was Peg’s own temper, the badness of
her subject, or the perpetual vexations she met with in her youth,
that hindered her from minding her domestic affairs, so much as she
should have done: but the truth is, that matters were often at sixes
and sevens in her family; and her brother and she, to be sure, never
could agree about any thing. All the world knows how long their affairs
remained in confusion, merely because they would not employ the same
attorney, and what an aversion they had to trust their affairs in
common to any single person. Peg would say, “I’ll have nothing to do
with John’s lawyers; whoever I employ must mind nobody’s affairs but
mine. I have as good a right to be served as he; and if he pays more
than I do, let it be for services done to himself, not for cheating
me.” John again would swagger and swear, and said, that whoever Peg
employed, must be a dirty lousy fellow; and would come to no terms,
unless she would take a steward of his choosing.
It happened, however, at last, as every careful peruser of history
knoweth, that every man of the law, within the reach almost of John’s
knowledge, from the master down to the merest clerk-boy, died, or left
the country, or disappeared some how or other, and John was obliged
for once to put his papers in the hands of his sister’s lawyer, a very
book-learned man, as many people affirm even unto this day. But be
this as it will, Peg had the vanity to boast, that though her lawyer
now lived in John’s own house, yet it was she who gave that clod-pated
pock-puddened numskull the lawyer at last; and that this same man
of the law, if he had any gratitude to the house where he was born
and bred, would not let her be wronged, or forget her boys, when the
stock came to be divided. She trusted too, that they would remember
themselves, and if John or the attorney pretended to cheat them, she
talked no less than of beating out both their brains. John was really
at bottom a good-natured fellow, and knowing himself to be an overmatch
for Peg, did not mind her peevish humours a rush; but he would not have
liked her attorney for all that, if he had not expected to manage him,
by keeping him in his own house, and by putting clerks about him, who
never had any connexion with Margaret, or her hungry loons, from whom,
the truth is, he expected no good.
This affair being settled between the brother and sister, as well as
could be expected with so little cordiality on either side, their
common concerns began to be a little better managed, and people got
some rest in their beds; for they did not harbour vagrants, as they
used to do, to hamstring one another’s cattle, to tear up the young
planting, and knock out one another’s brains. They differed, it is
true, now and then about this thing, and t’other thing, and about
attornies and agents, but it always happened that they employed the
same person, even whilst John wished Peg at the bottom of the sea; and
Peg sometimes let devilish knocks at him, and the attorney too, when
she was jealous of either.
John, however, was so far lucky, that his sister concurred with him
very readily in most things of consequence, such as turning off Squire
Geoffry, and the like; insomuch, that he himself was not readier to
part with this Squire, as every body knows, although he claimed kindred
to Peg, as the foster-mother of his family; and to make all sure, she
put her hand as freely to the perpetual contract with Sir Thomas. This
was a gentleman in the neighbourhood, of an ancient family, and a
pretty fortune of his own: but he was willing to take charge of the
brother and sister’s affairs, provided he had some security that he
should not be turned out the next moment, which was accordingly granted
in the form of a contract, by virtue of which he continues to manage
their business in a very orderly regular manner.
This, however, did not hinder some persons in both families, who had
a hankering after Squire Geoffry, from being mad enough once and
again, to think of restoring him to his office, in spite of John’s
and Margaret’s teeth. They came sometimes from the garret, and from
the cellar, roaring about this matter; and when they got drunk, they
imagined nothing was easier to be done. The truth is, that if Peg had
not been firm to the contract, John would often have been sore beset.
Although the intention of this proem is far from being to give a full
account of the affairs of these two families, preceding the present
transaction, much less to censure or run down other grave historians,
who have published to the learned world any part of their history; yet
we cannot altogether pass in silence some few mistakes in the otherwise
elaborate work of the celebrated Sir Humphrey Polisworth, bred in the
learned university of Grub-street. An historian, in our opinion, should
be as mindful of truth in whatever he may occasionally mention, as he
is in the main series of his story. For want of attending to this
truth, the learned Sir Humphrey has unguardedly misrepresented the
nature of John’s and Peg’s agreement, together with the causes which
induced John to sollicit that accommodation. Many learned writers of
that time say, that the question was not then about John’s heir, but
about the old story the choice of a steward, and the perpetual contract
we have mentioned. But be this as it will, there was no disagreement
between John and his sister on either of these points, as Sir Humphrey
Polisworth himself doth acknowledge. On the contrary, if John roared
against Squire Geoffry, Peg tore her cap and her apron in perfect rage,
and was like cat and dog with the same Squire and his gang, all the
time they were in the management of John’s business.
The truth of the matter was, that about the time of the great change
we have mentioned, many people in both families said, Although we
agree now, we may quarrel hereafter, and it will be a plaguey thing
to come into the hands of different lawyers and attornies again, who
never fail to set people by the ears for their own advantage. John and
Margaret have lived so much better, since they came to employ the same
lawyer, that it is a pity they should ever be in danger of parting
their affairs. The lands of Bull-hall and Thistle-down were never
intended for two farms, the same hedge and ditch surround them, and
whilst they continue in one, they may be kept with half the looking
after; for nobody can be half so troublesome to either family, as they
have formerly been to one another. For these, and many more reasons, an
agreement was thought upon; and though it went somewhat against John’s
stomach, yet he coaxed and flattered sister Peg till he obtained her
consent, not to come to live in his house, as the learned Sir Humphrey
Polisworth has erroneously related, but merely to shut up her own
compting-room, dismiss her overseers, and send her clerks to John’s
house, to manage their affairs together with his accomptant, under
the inspection of the great lawyer, as he was then called, in both
families.
This agreement, however, did not please every body. The servants who
attended Peg’s compting-room, were angry at the loss of their vails.
The upper servants, as every body knows, mismanaged their part of the
business some how or other, and many people said, that the house looked
melancholy when the windows of the counting-room just looking to the
South were shut up. In short, you could hear a buzz in every corner of
the house, that the whole family was undone for ever. Jack himself grew
very sulky, and for the turn of a straw would have played the devil.
But what will not a little time to. Peg’s people got gradually into
better humour; Jack’s zeal for the contract made with Sir Thomas, soon
reconciled him to whatever was connected with it, and Peg’s affairs
went on so tolerably, that every body was pacified, except the few who
would be pleased with nothing, unless Squire Geoffry was restored.
About the time that Sir Thomas came to the office, there was a great
turmoil in John’s kitchin and back-yard, and in Peg’s garret, where
indeed she harboured a parcel of curious fellows, who did not mind
the business of the family much, but would run you up and down stairs
like lightning, sometimes get into the kitchen, the hen roost, or back
yard, and snap up any thing their fingers could lay hold of. Their
mistress seldom got any rent from them, except a days work now and
then in harvest, or the use of their children to keep the crows from
the barley. But the true secret of her liking to them was, that they
were excellent fellows at a brawl, and you had as good put your head
in the fire, as meddle with their mistress when they were by. But Peg
could never get them to agree among themselves till very lately, nor
always to behave very respectfully to herself; insomuch, that both John
and she were often tempted to condemn that garret. But things must have
their course, the garret gentry have sometimes done excellent service,
and there is nobody John himself likes better to see about him, when
Lewis Baboon or Lord Strutt come about cudgel-playing, which is a very
common case, as the learned Sir Humphrey has very well observed.